Holding Space With the Sacred

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It’s a funny thing, this world of ‘blogging.’ Doesn’t even sound right: blogging. So often when I’m walking or driving I find myself dictating posts in my mind, sharing with you so many things that amaze and inspire me. There are AHA! moments and wonders of this beautiful planet we inhabit; thoughts about what is and perhaps what might be. And yet, I sit to write and all those thoughts drift away leaving me to turn inward and seek the words waiting to be whispered. 

Today let me begin with THANK YOU. Thank you for taking the time to read my writing, to share your thoughts, to engage on the conscious level required to live authentically. Thank you for walking by my side as I explore the ‘good, the bad and the ugly.’ Thank you for your willingness to take this journey through the waves of emotion and uncertainty that accompany living our truth. Thank you. Whether you move silently with me or stop to post a comment and let your own voice be heard–we have a community of connection here in this space, for which I am deeply grateful. 

‘Inner Self’ by Elena Ray

It’s like prayer, I realize. We don’t have to get down on our knees and fold our hands, we don’t have to sit in yoga poses. We simply have to be, to allow, to ask, to receive. It’s quiet, subtle. The movement at times is like the crescendo of a symphony, and others sleek as the moon shining into the darkness. It’s always happening, though. Whether we are aware of it or not. The energy, the power, pulsating beneath what we see with our human eyes or ‘know’ in the recesses of our human mind. There is, however  a much deeper intelligence that senses it, craving its Presence, waiting for the very radiance of its Light to break through even our darkest moments. 

Finally (!) it feels as though the darkness has eased and broken for me. I can’t say I know when such a state has come upon me in the last several years. Surely we all go into this space? Unknowing, clear in our thoughts yet so muddled in our emotions. Unable to grasp anything that bonds us to the Divine even while we desperately ache to make the connection. And in truth, my friends, the stark reality is there’s not really a damn thing we can do to change it. Our tools are prayer, awareness and perhaps most of all a spirit of allowing. We cannot make sense of it through accessing the mind and all the training and knowledge we’ve accumulated thus far. The option that lies before us is to ask for help, to surrender into the gentle Flow and allow IT to move US. In some way, we are powerless. 

But that’s not true on the level of our souls, either. While we are powerless to control the emotional disconnect of it all, we are always able to choose how we will respond to whatever it is we may encounter. Seems we’ve been raised to believe that if something doesn’t feel right–well, you just do this or that and it will be better. Oh, no loved ones–this is not the dialogue of our souls. Our power there lies in trust, faith, openness. Always, always there is purpose. Always, always we are held in the arms of the Divine. Even when we cannot feel it, we are given the choice to trust. Trust we are loved. Trust the Divine is there, even when we feel separate. 

Words struggle to convey this truth. It seems so simple, and yet while in the midst of it, there is great angst soothed only by the comfort of prayer and faith. How strange for ME to lean on these two, for after the tumultuous experience with religion in my teens, I cast off all connotations to my childhood faith. They hold a different energy for me today than they did then, and yet I can see the delight my soul took in being One with the sacred even then. Ah, but that’s a story for another day. 

For today, remember this sacred truth: there is purpose in every moment. Every word is our prayer. And we are always held in the arms of Grace. It feels like a trinity of truths…holding space with the sacred…..if we choose. 

 

Mystic Without a Monastery

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Yesterday’s post left me wanting….to say more, to share more, to open those spaces that live so deep inside ourselves we live in too much fear of what might happen when we open them up. Time was short, I felt I had much to say, and while in the middle of writing I realized I was touching upon bits and pieces that truly were an entire sharing of their own. It’s one of those times when it felt as though many threads were lined up waiting for their turn to be woven into the written story, only to find themselves all jumbled up into one great ball of ‘stuff.’

I’m not sure just where to go from there, how to unwind it all, approaching each piece as its own even while maintaining some semblance of Flow. So that’s it, isn’t it? Flow. Let go of trying to make sense of it all and allow IT to move ME. Become as the reed that moves with the wind or downstream with the river’s currents, and allow myself to become One with the Flow.

It was an odd thing to share some of the intimacy of my own sacred connection. And yet, what you cannot realize is how much the discomfort has loosened since it began to really push its way into my expression earlier this year. I believe we fear it somehow–the intensity of communing with the Divine. To me it feels like it would be okay if I were a nun in a convent somewhere, safe–normal, part of everyone else who felt the way I did. It would be natural there, then wouldn’t it? Acceptable, expected. But out here in this world, to love so deeply, to desire so profoundly to be merged with a Presence that calms every cell in our being–well, that just feels a little bit strange to be sharing ‘out loud.’ But what I’m sensing is that more and more of us are experiencing this aching sensation. We are answering the call to listen to the longing that comes from within.

From the very first time I heard of St. Teresa of Avila I was drawn to her. Something about her deep love of her Beloved, her ecstatic experiences of becoming one in ways we don’t speak of in our world resonated. It happened years before when watching Agnes of God. Agnes wasn’t afraid or embarrassed to say how much she loved God, even as she was inexplicably pregnant with His child. Her energy, the vulnerability with which she expressed her deep desire to be one with the Divine spoke to me even though I would have been just 14 years old. What does one do with such devotion?

I find myself again feeling many posts on this topic and perhaps a little jumbled as the words rush forward all at once, and to me it feels as though I’ve opened a dialogue that has been anxiously waiting to begin. What happens to us when we carry such deep, deep longing for intimate connection with the Beloved? How do we come to reconcile that in our lives, and what are the substitutes that fill the void? This very question has framed so much of my own journey, without my even being aware of it even while it happened.

I believe many of us carry the ache in our souls, but not everyone feels it in the same way. Different energies accompany us on our way, determining just how we play out our purpose on this planet. There’s much I’d like to explore on this topic, and I hope you’ll take the journey with me and share your own experience. For those of us who feel the profound longing, we are in today’s world ‘mystics without monasteries’ in the words of Caroline Myss. We are living in a time when the energy of the mystic is needed in the everyday places of our world, in our families, with our friends, our workplaces, around the globe and in our own homes. It’s time to let the voices be heard, to live it out loud. THIS is our time. Time to allow the Beloved to be seen, felt and heard through us, as us, ONE with us. The merging has begun. And I pray for clarity and eloquence as we continue the dialogue together. 

Loving Out Loud

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Why is it that we find it so difficult to share our feelings of love openly? I’m not someone to hide how she feels, nor am I successful when trying. And yet, there’s some kind of natural filter we have allowed to take over when it comes to being vulnerable enough to share intimate truths. This feels to be true both in interactions/conversation with others as well as when feeling my connection to the Divine. 

I’ll begin there–my relationship to the Divine. The raw, pure, deep love I feel in this regard sometimes feels awkward to speak of openly. To say how much I love God, to allow anyone else a glimpse into that sacred space feels so very vulnerable and unsafe. There’s an added sense of ‘she’s crazy’ that seems to be woven into the truth of it, stepping in at times to quiet my thoughts and words. I’ve felt embarrassed to let anyone know the depth of adoration, passion and devotion I feel for the sacred. This untethering of my deep truth has been very much a part of what 2012 has brought to the forefront of my inner life. I’m not sure we’re supposed to keep it secret, to allow it out only when we feel safe and are alone with ourselves. I’m also not sure it’s meant to be paraded as a label of who we are. But what feels a bit more certain is that it’s real, and we are being called to be and live authentically. Part of who we are as Divine beings IS Divine–so to allow our souls to love the sacred so deeply and purely is infused into our being, it is indeed our purpose. 

We’ve somehow forgotten along the way. Locked a part of ourselves in the closet, tucked away safe from the harm experienced by our ancestors–and by ourselves if you believe in past lives. However it came to be, we are still carrying those fears and wounds in our DNA and I believe we are in a time of healing and releasing them–for ourselves as well as those who came before and will follow after us. We are letting go of old ways of being. The buried pains we’ve carried for too long rise to the surface to be seen in the light of day, which in itself allows for them to heal and become whole. 

This trickles on down to our connection with others, those whom we love dearly as well as those whom we ‘just meet’ each day as we go about our lives. Oprah’s ‘Super Soul Sunday’ recently featured a conversation with Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh in which he shared four affirmations for us to live mindfully in our relationships: 

1. Darling, I am here for you. 

2. Darling, I know you are there for me. 

3. Darling, I know you are suffering and that is why I’m here for you. 

4. Darling, I suffer. I try my best to practice. Please help me. 

Say them aloud to yourself, imagine yourself sharing these affirmations with the ones you love in moments they are most needed, as you look into one another’s eyes. Feel the depth of presence you are offering. Can you imagine yourself having the courage and humility to say these words?

I’ve tried….and although I can say them in my mind, I haven’t yet been able to use the one that feels most prevalent thus far. Number 4. It’s a statement of feeling hurt or struggle, and letting your walls down enough to allow your loved one to be there for you and SEE that you hurt. Oh, the pride that so wants to hold on! But even while I’ve been unable to say the words to that other person, I was blessed enough to feel the impact of someone else saying them to me. My brother sees right through the stubbornness and hurt feelings, and in the midst of our conversation said to me ‘darling, I am here for you.’ I can tell you, my friends, there is much power in those words to melt even the hardest wall of protection. The frustration, the pride and defense all crumble in the midst of true Presence, compassion and love. 

When we dare to love out loud, we change the world. We let go of the years of programming we’ve taken on as part of our own ‘well-being’ and instead begin to lean on the Divine to carry us through. We SURRENDER. And so it continues, this seemingly subtle but powerfully healing energy of 2012: Surrender. Let yourself go, move through the fears and hurts and dare to be authentic in the midst of it all. Remember that ‘No Comfort Zone Challenge’ we began in 2012? She continues her work, beneath the layers, behind the scenes, she carries us through our own sabotage and into the sacred. 

My challenge to you is this: Dare. Dare to love out loud in whatever way your heart whispers to you. 

Dear God

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I’ve heard it many times in 2012 especially – ask for what you want. Energy is moving so much more quickly, there isn’t a space of months or years during which we are meant to heal, but mere moments, hours, days. The mystical climate of our consciousness is undergoing tremendous transformation. Just take a quick scan of the new television programs, articles in print, movies, etc. Even the media is on board with the spiritual energy that is becoming more and more apparent and ‘mainstream.’ 

Ask for what you want. The message keeps coming, in different ways. Ask your angels, your guides, loved ones–call on any of your team that you feel connected to. They are waiting in the wings to assist you, but it’s important to ask. 

All prayers are answered. I believe that truth. Even when the ‘answers’ don’t look like what we think they will. We have a direct connection to the Universe, God, the Divine. Ask for what you want.

It’s beginning to feel different to me now. I’ve never been one to look far beyond today and articulate just what I want. And yet, specific things have come to mind these last few days. I’m asking. Even more important I’m trusting. Just typing these words, I’m feeling how difficult that is. The words are easy in the mind, aren’t they? Yes, I trust. But drop it down a moment, feel in the core of your being what it is to be so vulnerable as to say – Dear God, I would like _____. And to trust that God is listening, and you could possibly even have _____. It’s not about cars or houses or money. It’s about the desires that live in the purity of your heart. 

Trust. That it’s ok to even ASK. I’m not sure I’m fully past this step. It’s ok to ASK. Ask for what you want. That means it’s ok to WANT? It’s ok to want, to desire. Why does that feel so unnatural in this respect? There’s an old dialogue – we should feel blessed for what we have rather than always wanting more. It feels selfish, greedy to be asking for more when there’s so much abundance in my life already. Who do I think I am?? Asking for something when I have so much. Already I can feel the esteemed ‘judge’ and ‘lecturer’ getting started on me. Besides ‘what makes you think you DESERVE?’

Tears warm my eyes. Ah, here it is. One of those old wounds being fed by the conversations I have with myself. Someone in my energy field, some part of me has decided she is the ruler over whether or not I deserve more. Some being other than the Universe–God–is now deciding what is right for me, what I deserve, how ‘good’ I am, what worth I really have. Without mercy. There is no grace here. Only checklists of what I’ve done and not done. Criteria that determine how I’m rated overall. I can’t possibly measure up. 

The greatest wound is feeling inadequate. ~ Iyanla Vanzant

We all have it – somewhere – in our subconscious. It’s been with us through centuries of human existence. We carry it in our DNA. I believe now is the time we are being called to heal it. Not only within ourselves, but on behalf of the planet. 

Ask for what you want. I want to see myself through the eyes of God. I want to stop being so hard on myself and to let Jackie breathe a bit. I want to see love reflected in the eyes of those around me, rather than begin the list of shortcomings I believe they see. I want to heal. Not only for myself, but for my children and their children. For the generations that came before us and have felt unworthy, rejected…not good enough. I want to stand tall in all of who I am. To raise my head up and know that I am perfect as I am. I AM enough. I want to have such compassion for me that it can’t help but overflow to everyone I touch in any way. I want to be used as a channel of grace. I want freedom to let every emotion flow without censor. I want healing on our planet. 

I could go on, as I’m sure could you. I’m asking. Now and going forward. These words are my prayer. Our time is now–for healing, liberation, compassion. Ask for what you want, my friends. And then dig deep inside yourself to find whatever tools you need to trust that it is so. I believe by our very awareness, we are instruments of healing. The more aware we are of what we feel and what we desire, the more we are able to step into our purpose and allow our gifts to be used to uplift and honor ourselves and our planet. Ask for what you want.

This is my prayer. Amen. 

I Am Mom Enough

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It’s a striking image, isn’t it? A boy old enough to be in preschool still nursing from his mother’s breast. I believe the ‘shock factor’ intended has been achieved here in the United States. People are appalled – tagging the Time magazine cover photo as ‘sexual, indecent, extreme, crazy’ – and on and on the list goes. Yet when you open to the story matching the cover photo, something is lost in translation. 

Attachment parenting is actually the topic being discussed, as shared in The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears. I’m not going to get into the debate here, but it has stirred something in me as a mom. I was one of those who subscribed to ‘The Ferber Method’ – let your baby cry until they understand you’re not responding or they fall asleep. I had fears about ‘holding them too much’ and having them end up ‘spoiled.’ There’s no question in my mind that were I to have another child today (which I am not, lol) things would be very, very different. What Dr. Sears recommends is holding them as much as possible – to help your baby feel safe and loved. While there are indeed extremes on either side of the conversation, I’m a firm supporter in the style of parenting that supports being present for our children rather than setting them aside to become strong and independent on their own. 

Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.  ~ Author Unknown

As I thought about it, I realized the whole process my husband and I have been through with our older two children through the difficult teenage years has redefined who we are as parents and the style with which we respond to our children. R-E-S-P-O-N-D. Not react. There’s a difference. Having been raised by a mom (I love very much) who feels it’s her duty to do everything in her power to ensure I take the ‘right path,’ it’s been an inner struggle to figure out who I am as a parent. My husband and I began our entry into parenting teenagers with the intent to set the boundary and ‘make them follow it.’ HA! What a shock when we realized how impossible that is. 

It’s taken time, very open communication, letting go of our own pride, allowing vulnerability and being patient with one another to come to this place of co-parenting. Our goal is no longer to make our children bow to our demands, but to allow them to find their own path at this tender age of exploring who they are, seeking their independence and making their own mistakes. It’s the falling down and getting back up that will open their eyes to the inner character they already have in place. Our job is to support them as people, to talk with them about how to set their own boundaries and to be there when they fall, assisting them in picking up the pieces. 

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~ William Makepeace Thackery

I want to say this, too: however my mother or my husband’s mother may have been – I believe we are given exactly what we need in one form or another. My mom’s style of raising me may not be my own, but it worked for me as a child. Part of our challenge when we become parents is to sort out who we are as children from who we are as parents. We are not our parents, nor will we likely follow exactly in their footsteps when we raise our own children. I was blessed to have a mom who did everything in her power to give me all she felt I needed, to protect me from being hurt and to teach me how to look inward when life wasn’t going the way I’d hoped. Without a doubt, I have brought these gifts into being a mom myself…just in a different way. 

As Mother’s Day approaches, I’m remembering just how graced I am to be living my dream. From the time I was a little girl, I envisioned ‘growing up, getting married and being a mom’ as my future. As these blessed beings whom I’ve been entrusted to care for over this short period of time spread their wings to fly, the love and adoration only grows deeper. There was a time I found no fulfillment or value in being a mom. That’s no longer true. Instead I’m filled with overwhelming emotion at the beautiful gift I’ve been given….these three amazing children who chose me to be their mom. And that’s enough. I Am….mom enough. This is my calling…and I’m overflowing with joy to answer.