Monthly Archives: January 2012

Undoing ‘Good’

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The first line of Mary Oliver’s poem, Wild Geese, playing with my thoughts, my heart, my emotions this morning–and quite suddenly. 

‘YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE GOOD’

It’s one of my most favorite lines of poetry, seared into my consciousness during an intensive with my beloved teacher Andrew Harvey. I loved it as soon as I heard it–felt something release inside myself, liberated. 

Raw, random, personal thoughts fill the space in this post….followed by a pause, feeling, listening, tuning in. What does that mean: ‘You do not have to be good’ ? 

It seems to be a statement to define the unraveling of who we ‘thought’ we were–who I thought I was. 

Every time it comes around again, it feels as though there is a clear shift occurring in my belief system, very visible, very palpably felt. While I’m not yet ready to share the details of this transition, I’m soothed by Mary Oliver’s statement to us all: You do not have to be good. 

Funny how it is, though isn’t it–’good’–a goal we can chase all our lives and never quite reach it. 

Because it’s a fallacy, an illusion that we have taken on and decided holds our truth. 

Then just as we release one layer of that illusion, another reveals itself–opening the cracks that lead to healing, surrender….wholeness. 

And so it goes….the spiral, the cycle of this journey. Letting go….of ‘being good.’ 

Instead….just BEing. Allowing. 

Thank you, Mary Oliver for sharing such richness and Universal truth. 

My statement to myself this day: I do not have to be good. 

I have only to be ME. And THAT is enough. 

Desiderata of Happiness

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After just watching Morgan Freeman on Oprah’s ‘Master Class’ and hearing him mention some of the lines in this poem, I had to take time to read it in its entirety. Reminds me of Mother Teresa’s ‘Do Good Anyway.’ Wise words from open hearts. ‘Be gentle with yourself’…..love that line. Another poem comes to mind, Mary Oliver’s ‘Wild Geese’ in which she begins with the line: ‘You do not have to be good.‘ 

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy. ~ Max Ehrmann

Miracles & Moments ~ No Comfort Zone Challenge Week 4

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I’m loving reading everyone’s movement and opening as we all go through this ‘challenge’ together. Ironic, isn’t it–that we’ve actually NAMED something meant to be part of our every day life journey and experience. S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G beyond our own comfort zone and into the space of the sacred. We are consciously choosing to go into the center of ourselves, allow our souls to guide us. For it’s true, friends, that even when we have human language for it and it looks like we are engaging solely on the level of being earthlings, it is indeed our inner voice that beckons and drives us onward, deeper and deeper into who we are.

Twice the call came. First as an ‘oh, yes, that sounds nice’ when Janece shared that she was writing less on her blog, but more in her journal which had been silent for some time. And then last week when Marge shared that her decision to step outside her comfort zone was to change up her morning routine, part of which included writing in her journal. I have books and books of journals from when I wrote every day–so filled with emotion, awe and downloads of ME that I went on for pages in one sitting. And then, something shifted. I stopped writing in my journal so much, eventually writing more and more here, in plain sight.

A ritual I set for myself years ago was to get up early, in the darkness of morning and write. There was something incredibly sacred in that time of day for me. The stillness of a household not yet awakened. Quiet hush over all of nature until that first bird begins her chirping song. The Divine seemed more tangible and alive somehow. So after reading Marge talk about the beauty of the morning hours and the enveloping grace they exude, I decided I would get up early again this last week and write in my journal.

There wasn’t anything profound, in fact it was different than those years ago, in how it fed my soul to commune with the sacred–then & now. At that time, I could say it was as though I was a new recruit to the convent, come in with exuberant passion for this journey, for the connection to something so much greater than I. In this time and place, there is a calm within myself. A settled knowing of who and what I am, and in turn an understanding of the permeating presence of Divine energy throughout my entire day. What I found instead, wasn’t so much the joy of journaling once again, but the pause to whisper ‘Good morning, Ms. Jackie’ and then to allow myself to begin preparing for this day in my home. ‘This’ being any given day. After a space of writing, I felt myself infusing a loving warmth into each task I was doing: making coffee for my husband, feeding the cats, organizing the kitchen in order to make lunches. There was a different kind of sacred hush. Just a quiet knowing, calm, peacefulness. Morning was more like a glow of love greeting me.

It doesn’t sound uncomfortable, though, does it? And in truth, it wasn’t horribly so. But on half of those mornings, as I rolled over to quiet my alarm, I found myself thinking it would be much more comfortable to stay cuddled up next to my husband, in the warm embrace of our bodies resting together. To instead get up and greet the cool air of winter–let me assure you–was not so comfortable. The beauty: downstairs a cozy blanket awaited me. Sacred morning moments.

I love the unexpected–and this week’s experience certainly was that, in a very gentle and nurturing way. Miracles often come to us in the quiet of our interior, and in ways we least expect. Before closing, I’d like to quickly (well, as quickly as possible, we ARE writers after all!) share two notes on miracles and healing. Since our ‘walk-out’ visit to the vet last week, Snuggles’ symptoms of concern stopped completely! If that isn’t a resounding YES! to the truth of my own inner voice, I don’t know what is. I’m still amazed that it was so simple. When he first came to us, Snuggles was dreadfully afraid of humans. We couldn’t ever touch him. It’s been three years now and he will actually talk to me and ask to be loved and touched. He’s still unsure sometimes, but that boy has come a long way. It’s crystal clear that he has come into our lives–my life–to teach TRUST, and last week was one of the biggest lessons yet.

The conflict with my son has also begun to dissolve after my own conscious awareness and choice to just LOVE. Let go and love him. It has served to liberate us both. I have no illusions we’ll be flitting about the clouds with blind happiness for the remainder of our lives, but I do see how choosing to allow ourselves to move THROUGH what we feel, emerge on the other side with an energy of surrender and just give in to the call of our hearts–in my case to LOVE–will reorder our interior truth. I’m grateful for the healing in our home this last week, for the trust and love we are allowing to flourish as we grow together.

I’m actually quite clear on what next week’s challenge is for myself. Paint. I have inner visions of fluid strokes, colors, energies coming together on the ‘canvas.’ Voices of doubt have kept me from exploring, and I’m feeling very succinctly the call to honor my inner creativity. So I’ll be letting go in a whole new way as I explore the art of painting….however it may come to be over the next week. As a prompt and added inspiration for myself, I’ve attached a photo of the mug I painted to honor my 40th birthday. How on earth I’ve let nearly two months go by without letting this creativity express herself, I cannot say. Next week….that changes!

Love’s Post-A-Day

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I think I could write a post a day on all the properties, experiences, lessons, joys, heartbreak, inspiration (you get the idea) of love. She comes to us in so many forms, not the least of which is through the cracks in our hearts. Today’s Lesson: Moving past the frustration, through the heartbreak and into the space of love’s purity. 

So often I hear Rumi’s word in my heart: the crack, the wound is where the light shines through. As I laid on my pillow letting tears flow last night, recognizing for the first time with great clarity a deep heart pain, I nearly smiled with the truth of it. Amidst all of this, there is radiant light beginning to seep into through the jagged edges of heartbreak. I know the words, all too well. I’ve watched my mom go through ‘letting go’ of her five children as we grew into adults. Perhaps with little enough appreciation and definitely void of any understanding of what was really occurring in the deepest space of her heart. We give them birth, feeling even then our heartspace cracking wide open with a love we didn’t know was possible. As our children grow, we revel in our ability to provide their needs, nurture their spirit, honor their individuality. Without even giving a thought to the day when they DON’T need us; when we cease to be the center of their world. When the careful work we have done to let them make choices and be who they are suddenly becomes the impetus to a disengagement from their dependence on us. And truthfully my friends – I would have been the last one to expect this of myself, but I must tell you – it hurts like hell. 

I wasn’t prepared – at all – for the level of heartbreak I’m recognizing in myself. Nope, not me. I’ve done deep pain release, letting it all go in cries that come from the darkest places of our insides. I’m good. Ready to go forward with a happy excitement for the next chapter of our lives. I THOUGHT. I was wrong. NOTHING in me was ready for this–for the realization that I’m holding on so tightly I’m creating conflict. I’ve forgotten that I want to LOVE, unconditionally. The pain became the lead, so quietly, covertly–converting into frustration and the belief that I was doing what was ‘best.’ But what I learned a few years back to do with my husband is just what I need to connect with as a mother: just love. Stop waiting for them to become what I see would be good, better, best for them. Stop wanting them to be what they are not. For gosh sakes, Jackie, stop trying to bend the situation to YOUR will. Love. Love them because YOU want to, not because they’re asking, not because they appreciate it–do it for the greatest reason there is: because YOU want to. Because I want to. 

 

Surrender. Let go. Once again, I find myself sitting deep in the center of these words. Follow the truth I believe in wholeheartedly and let this child go. Surrender their well-being to the Universe, who of course is much more qualified than you. Ugh. Dearest friends, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t find this truth amongst the hurt overlaid with frustration. But I’m feeling it…and finding more peace as the day goes on and it settles in. 

And yet….I know in the core of my being – this is his path. He is fully held in the arms of grace. I’ve said it so many times, haven’t I? Do you believe it Jackie? Yes, yes, I do. Then LET go. 

And love. Just love. I know this harmony so well. Being able to view the situation with a bit more clarity, to release the frustration, to feel the heartbreak….I can find my way into the power of love. SHE will be our guide, now that I’m getting out of the way.

I’m grateful for the gift of clarity, of seeing this situation from a new perspective and reconnecting to a truth I can emulate: BE love. Love because YOU want to….because your heart longs to. xo 

 

Percolating Love

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Growing up I was certain that once I fell in love and got married my life would change drastically and things would become clear, easy, happy. Imagine my pain in falling off that pedestal of false perception! For years I wondered how I could have been so wrong, how the Universe could orchestrate such depths of love and connection between two souls, only to leave us empty, yearning for what felt so out of reach. 

It’s been twenty years my husband and I have been together now. The dream I carried in my heart as a child has taken a long and winding journey of its own, alongside the path of my life. But what is true is this, my friends: that dream of love being the answer to everything I desired–it’s truth. Love is the answer. It does carry a powerfully healing and empowering energy. Only not in the way we all anticipate. It doesn’t look like Snow White and her Prince Charming. Nor is it the racy, passionate love we expect to be duplicated from what we see on the screen, onto the pages of our every day existence. 

Connecting to love’s presence takes time. We have so many boundaries and barriers to her entrance into the very tender and vulnerable core of our heart. As humans in Earth school, we are adept at holding her prisoner, placing expectations on how she is meant to look and enter our lives. Sometimes so much so that we can’t recognize her even when she arrives in all her beauty and glory. We push back, keep her warmth at bay–believing somehow WE are the ones being wronged in this scenario. 

We aren’t yet trained to see love as she is. Quiet, open, inviting–ever beckoning us to let go. She waits for us as we wrestle with the art of surrender. With patience and grace she holds space while we flounder in the depths of our own wounds and fears. And when we emerge through healing and a desire to be whole, she is there. Arms open, fully ready and willing to hold us in her embrace. 

One of the most beautiful things about Divine love is she does not force herself upon us. Always we have the choice–stay or go. Open or hold on tightly to what feels ‘safe.’ Walk away with our pride intact, or stay in the place where transforming fire burns away the rough edges of our ego. For beyond those walls of protection lives the most exquisite gem of who we are–the capacity to let go, to love completely, to trust that we are always held in the arms of her grace. 

Twenty years. Love has been percolating in my marriage all this time, and I’ve only just realized it over the last few years. Even in the darkest moments–she never left us–she never left me. The true essence of her has been right here all along, waiting to be unleashed, burning through the barriers we’ve so meticulously engineered around our soft spots. And today, my friends, she could even be Prince Charming! Only Prince Charming isn’t the man I thought he was. He’s REAL. He’s authentic, with dreams, hopes, fears and a truth of his own. We are both human–AND spirit. We are meant to be side by side, loving, supporting, honoring one another. And together, through all of life’s curves and turns, we have and are continuing to learn just how to follow her lead. She is our ever present Guide. 

The choice continues to be ours. Follow, open, allow, surrender….or hold tight. For me personally, I find the more I let go and surrender to the Divine, to the power of the Love I so desire, the more it is reflected back to me. What greater gift could I want from the man I love than to speak directly to the very tender and vulnerable core of my heart? I can’t think of anything. It’s been worth the wait, the struggles, the challenges, the heartbreak to come full circle to this place. No doubt, we have more turns to navigate, but we’ll do it together and in the warm rays of Divine Love.