Monthly Archives: January 2012

‘Just Jump’

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While studying with Caroline Myss several years ago, there was a phrase that came out of our ‘classroom’ conversation: ‘Just Jump.’ The premise being there is no ‘good time’ to honor the voice of your spirit, to build a soul with stamina and follow your guidance. NOW is when you are most ready–if you choose to animate the Divine presence of who you are. For me, there has always been something very powerful and unavoidable in the understanding of what my guidance is–and making a choice whether or not to follow it. Once that language is felt, recognized, taken in and fully realized, to not honor my own inner voice mingled with that of the sacred feels to carry significant impact in my life. And really–there is only once choice in that space. 

This is coming to reality in so many more ways ‘around’ the various relationships and experiences in my day-to-day interactions. There is an expansion of the sphere in which I am being asked to step up and ‘just jump.’ Not coincidentally, this falls in line with the commitment I’ve made for 2012 to step more and more into my ‘no comfort zone’ and open myself to let go of what isn’t needed. And on a side note, this seems to go along with a yearning to keep ‘cleaning out’ our home, too. 

Yesterday’s jump allowed me to see the full extent of what we do to ourselves in the midst of receiving and sometimes filtering our guidance. After being at the vet’s office for an hour with one of our rescue cats, I just didn’t feel comfortable going ahead with the run of blood tests and potential treatment they were prescribing for what I was seeing. I couldn’t get to a peace about it. Generally, I would recognize I was a little hesitant, listen to what they said, step into the ‘oh no’s’ and ‘what if’s’ that we often hear when it comes to medical health–and then just go ahead and do it. In this case especially it would have seemingly been much ‘easier’ to just let them run the tests. Our vet had been at a conference over the weekend and specifically attended classes to learn about this because of our situation. They weren’t charging me an office visit fee. Although $238 is a lot, we could make it work if it was something we really needed. And perhaps the loudest (although in a very smooth and subtle way) reason to ‘just do it:’ how on earth would it look for me to say no after all that? Don’t I care about my cat? Aren’t I concerned what could happen if we ‘miss’ something–if we don’t treat him? What about all the time they’d set aside for me, the vet, the assistant explaining everything over the course of the hour I was there? And then I would just walk out and do nothing? How does THAT look? What kind of pet owner am I anyway?

Ah, the brilliant voice of our mind…feeling my inner chaos and stepping in to help me feel better. I remember this voice now from my teenage years even: ‘just do it and then worry about the rest later.’ But I couldn’t. I felt tearful, letting the struggle within myself become overwhelming as I tried to sort it through with a vet tech who really couldn’t comprehend what I was feeling and working out internally, although bless her heart for trying. She left the room to allow me some time to get clarity, to decide what to do. That was when my spirit’s voice came through loud and clear: when you are unsure what to do, walk away. Don’t do anything. If the choice isn’t clear, let it rest and come back to it when YOU are clear. 

I picked up the cat carrier, opened the door and walked to the front desk. While I fully believed in my choice and felt strong in what I was doing, that tiniest little sliver of ‘you look like a fool’ still tried to make its presence felt. We were going to do nothing. Not today. It didn’t feel right, and I wasn’t willing to compromise what I was feeling so clearly within myself. I don’t know how they felt about it, and truthfully, very little of me cares. Even with regard to the cost, although that wasn’t the deciding factor, I heard a new language whispering to me: Is this really a good use of our money? Money is energy after all–and to just spend it because we can make it work without the strength of my belief behind it is irresponsible use of the energy and abundance that flows into my life. 

I *know in my being our boy is ok. He doesn’t have any of those medical conditions the blood tests would have revealed. I just had to give myself the opportunity to hear that clearly, away from the chaos and yes, my friends, fear of humiliation. THAT is what I’ve been talking about. I love my cats unconditionally, enough to trust what I feel about their well-being over what someone who is ‘qualified’ might recommend and believe. But fear would have played the greater role in the past. Yesterday, I walked out of that office with strength in my spirit, increased stamina in my soul. 

It was interesting to note, that when I got in the car I could feel the energy overload of the whole situation. I called a close friend and soul companion just to talk it through–in truth, just to allow myself to say out loud and validate the process and choice. A headache had begun to throb, my body felt a little jittery…until the words began to flow and the peace of being ME, honoring my guidance settled in. 

Uncomfortable, yes. Humiliating–actually, no. I chopped away at some of those old beliefs when I wrote honestly earlier this week, and then the Universe graciously gave me a situation in which to practice my deeper truth: following guidance does not equal humiliation. I’m humbled and grateful. 

Unconditional Love Exposed ~ NoCZ Challenge 2012

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If I am convinced it’s love – unconditional love, wouldn’t that necessitate the love pushing any and all fear out so that it could express itself? Maybe it is GRACE that we need, to energize the love to do just that.

The fear of humiliation

FEAR of being Naked

Humiliation and embarrassment are one of the biggest culprits of unfulfilled lives. 

The vortex of self-image – you described it so beautifully. The risk of being who we are and the consequences if we hide.

I Love. I am Love. I do not give it, I be it.

These are some of the provoking thoughts left on my last post, Liberating Love. Although we were away over the weekend, I did read each one and took with me a deep contemplation into the dance between love, fear, humility and humiliation. The notes you each shared left me really searching within for what I feel is true in my own life and how it is that fear and love can move together. 

Because I do believe they can. I’m not certain they can do so elegantly and with a flowing rhythm, but I think we all have a dance that goes around inside of us between these two. The reality, however, is that the love is the TRUTH from a universal perspective – it’s what’s real, who we are, the ‘stuff’ of which we are made. Fear comes from the conditioning we’ve taken on in our lives and/or the lessons we are here to experience. While LOVE is what’s always there in the core of who we are, fear can sometimes mask its presence and overtake any desire we have to let our love Flow.

Isn’t that what this journey is really all about? Aren’t we here to move through our fears and let the love really shine from our souls? It’s not always love of a partner or significant other, our children, our family. What about the ability to love a co-worker? To love ourselves enough to live out loud who we are? Loving our planet, the Life that is contained on it. Love goes far beyond just being unconditional in how we interact with those whom we *know we love. The ability to love without conditions across the board of our lives is something entirely different – and in my world, it requires a soul with stamina to hold that altitude. It doesn’t just happen because I *wish it to be so. It requires a consistent practice of looking inward, seeing and acknowledging the fears and then choosing to take each one by the hand and walk forward together rather than be controlled by them. 

Do you have the courage, the stamina in your soul to let your Love flow unconditionally? No matter how it looks? 

Each of your comments above holds truth, my dear friends. Love what Janece has said about grace – and I do believe you are right on. The grace is the heat we need to melt through the fears and release the love. Love is truth while fear is illusion. But as a human – I believe we can experience both together. We do, however, have to choose which one we will give our power to – and when we call on the healing and releasing power of grace, the love prevails. 

Humility and humiliation. Somehow, somewhere in our lives, we all come face to face with these two. It’s not always someone outside of us who brings the humiliation into our energy field. In fact, we often do so ourselves. WE hold the keys of seeing what it might ‘look like.’ And yes, Miro – it lends to a lack of feeling fulfilled in our lives. We hold ourselves back, preventing the sacred from entering our presence out of the fear of how we might be perceived. When we surrender those fears and step into the guidance we are being given, humility takes over. Humility as in ‘resignation, non-resistance.‘ We SURRENDER and become vessels of service, love, healing for the Divine. 

NAKED. I love that you used this word, Cat because just yesterday someone who is a nudist made the comment that they are not ‘naked’ – they are ‘nude.’ Naked implies vulnerability, whereas nude is a natural state of being. I’m not a nudist myself, however I easily understood what he was saying. Being a nudist is a choice. Feeling naked can be disempowering. Humility is a choice for the mystic who seeks to live in the grace of Divine love. Humiliation comes from the human fear of what I might look like. 

Lee so beautifully summed it up: ‘The risk of being who we are and the consequences if we hide.’ Isn’t that what it comes down to my friends? Isn’t the risk of being who we are worth whatever may come in our lives? That’s where we step into love and out of fear. We stop hiding, we say it openly, honestly, clearly…as Betsy did:

I Love. I am Love. I do not give it, I be it.

When I surrender, let go of fears of being humiliated, invoke grace and step into the energy of my soul, I absolutely AM. 

~ * ~ 

Writing this post with such clarity and openness is yet another step in my journey of living out loud. I would generally reply to the comments left on my last post and let it be at that. But the conversation was too juicy to leave it there. I’m putting into practice what I believe and letting my soul reply instead. For me – this would have once been risky (very recently) – to so openly say ‘I think’ and ‘I believe’ – even if it might not be what someone else agrees with. I’m honoring the No Comfort Zone Challenge by stepping out of my comfort zone in a whole new way. Letting my love shine, allowing my truth to be spoken out loud, not fearing the consequences. Yes, Joss, we are changing. And I’m reminded of the song from Wicked – ‘You changed me for the good.’ ♥ Thank you to each of you for letting YOUR voice be heard and sparking this conversation to go deeper. xoxo

Liberating Love

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The Divine conspires with us to nurture, heal, and expand our heart. ~ Crowing Crone Joss, She Who Walks in Beauty 

How does it come to be that we measure the ways in which we love? By this I mean, we carefully keep in check how much we let it show that we love someone, something, ourselves. There seem to be social boundaries around how and when to let your love show. 

I remember being a teenager and writing love letters. Sitting in the corner of my bedroom where the heat register was, curled up and in my pj’s, I would sit for easily an hour and write the whispers of my heart. There was something so liberating in being able to say to someone what I was feeling – about anything, about everything. 

Georgia O'Keefe, Red Canna

As I think back to that time and then continue on through the years, I can see that I’ve always had someone in my life with whom I can be completely open and honest. Sometimes a narrative issued directly from the heart can later feel to be so ‘silly’ or ‘out there.’ And yet, it reveals the purest of who we are.

How is it that we have fear wrapped around this exercise, this opening and willingness to let ourselves be felt and heard? I’m asking myself this question, as I can see that there are places where I have such love, but keep it so carefully guarded. Subconsciously, there are ways in which I protect the depth of how much I can and do love. There are filters on when, how and with whom it flows. 

I recognize that some of this is part of our social structure. We aren’t ‘supposed’ to put it all out there on display for everyone to see. The best reason I can find for this isn’t the one that we might expect – the vulnerability of others taking advantage. Instead it’s one that we create ourselves – the fear of humiliation. How does it look to let such depth of love be seen, felt, heard? 

Humiliation. Takes me again to my teacher, Caroline Myss. In the same series on mysticism in which we connected to the fire of grace, we talked of humiliation vs. humility. It takes humility to let our love shine so brilliantly. And I don’t mean the kind of shining that means we have to tell everyone about it. Sometimes it’s just letting our truth be present, however it will. Because we are Divine beings, we are also beings filled with Divine love, and meant to let that love touch and seep into the world around us.  

I loved watching Oprah interview Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler on her new program, ‘Oprah’s Next Chapter.‘ He let his ability to love so deeply, so openly, so erotically be heard and seen for what it is. He didn’t apologize, filter or make it sound acceptable. As they shared in the serenity of his home on Lake Sunapee, NH, Steven confidently and comfortably held true to his beliefs and who he is. 

And I’m holding true to mine. I’m choosing to love as I feel it in my heart. I’m honoring the liberation of letting her whispers be my guide. And I know in doing so, I’m opening myself to seeing and moving through every boundary that keeps my deep and boundless love in check. I’m grateful to have had–and continue to have–experiences and people in my life that allow me to love without limits. And I’m feeling overwhelmed with the sudden awareness: THIS is my purpose. xo

Subconscious Movement ~ NoCZ Week 2

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 Sometimes I just have to laugh out loud – seriously – LOL. 

Just yesterday I posted that I didn’t have clear direction for this week’s No Comfort Zone Challenge – there wasn’t anything in particular I felt guided to focus on directly. Yes, there’s a list of things to ‘check off’ – but none that were relative in that moment. Surprisingly, I’m still amazed and left in awe with the ways of the Universe and how quickly our lives can ‘spin on a dime.’ 

The list – yes. On the list are several health related ‘do’s’ that I’ve been putting off–one of which is to reconnect with a chiropractor for neck pain. Other little signs have indicated it’s getting worse, and I need to be proactive instead of sit still uncertain of how to address it. 

After reading Marge’s post It Came to Me in a Flash yesterday, I found myself pondering again a commitment I’ve made to work in trade with a woman who has created a very profound process of connecting even more deeply to who we are.  It intrigued me from the first time I heard about it – and the trade works well for both of us. My role is to assist her in expanding the public awareness of the process, through a presence in social media especially and other outlets as well. We were both elated to find one another and begin. 

Until. The holidays came, my life felt over full and I needed to take a step back. I put off our work together and something has ever since felt ‘uneasy’ about it all. I’ve really considered and asked myself if this means it’s not in alignment with where I am. I’ve also stopped and sat full with the awareness that sometimes what is so good for us seems to stir our subconscious resistance into action. Unsure which of the two were my truth, I’ve decided to move forward with the process, to get started and allow it to unfold. Should things become clear, then I’ll act on what I know. For now, I know (knew) to at least be honest with her and give it some time.

We began today, Ahna and me. It was day one of the Opening Energy process. There was a tremendous amount of ‘discomfort’ if you consider the uncertainty and unsettled feeling inside myself. I really, truly had no idea just what to expect. My energy felt unsure, unconvinced, but still open. 

Within 10 minutes it was shifting. We talked about what I was feeling and the honesty of sharing my truth was refreshing. I read yesterday in my book The Expected One that we have only to ‘ask’ for what we want and then it will show up. Granted it doesn’t always happen that quickly or simply, but at times, it does. Just a few more minutes into our conversation today, and Ahna asked if I’m experiencing any pain. I described what I’m feeling (which she was already intuitively connected to) and she went on to recommend a particular type of chiropractic care that feels very much in alignment with what I’m desiring. 

TWO answers my friends. Both in response to my own movement OUT of the comfort zone. Neither of these are steps I was excited to take initially, but both feel so very healing and loving toward myself. So I’m revising what I said yesterday – I DO know what this week’s movement is on my No Comfort Zone Challenge: 

1. Even when the path is not clear or comfortable – take a step. Honor the commitment to Ahna and begin the process. Trust the answers I need are already here. CHECK. 

2. Call the local chiropractor who I feel is in alignment with the treatment I need – make an appointment and get the program STARTED. (Sort of ‘check’ – I called, they’re not open today. So I’ll call again tomorrow.)

These steps were not driven by what my mind decided was best. There was an invisible Flow happening beneath the surface. What is clear once again is that when we consciously choose to listen to our guidance – even the ‘small’ guidance that feels flat, boring, insignificant – we open the channel to the Divine even more. Taking one tiny step moves us forward in giant measure on this journey. Remember my friends, we are spirits in EARTH school. Earth life applies to us all. We can’t just feed the soul, we must honor the mind and care for the body as well. xo

From ‘Comfort’ to ‘Grace’

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I had an aha! moment that began last week and has continued into the present. So many things have contributed to this awareness, I can’t begin to list them all. But I will say thank you to my fellow bloggers for the wisdom and inspiration you share. Often your words are the food that warms my soul.

The realization is that we can move from comfort into chaos and just plain feel uncomfortable–OR we can move from comfort into a state of grace. Grace is a mystical substance, with a high vibration of Divine energy. There is a heat to it when you feel it enter your being, surrounding you, indeed comforting you. I experienced its return to my awareness last week when I felt most turned inside out. The faulty belief–and I shared it here–was that discomfort is necessary in order to grow sometimes. While there may still be some TRUTH to that, it doesn’t have to remain part of my belief system. Do you understand the difference, my friends?

Our belief system holds truths that ARE. They don’t have movement or flexibility. The hold static energy and ARE. This particular bit of truth can be so at times, and other times not. Therefore it doesn’t belong in the core of my being as part of what I hold true. I am Divine. THAT is an always truth. Growth = discomfort doesn’t hold up.

The power of this aha! though, came in the moment when I heard the word GRACE spoken by one of my teachers. It took me back instantly to the classroom of Caroline Myss in 2005, when something Divine and beyond all of us entered our space. The energy of grace, the ability to invoke grace at any time, and the realization of how much we all need its presence and power came to life once again. 

We can move out of our comfort zone. But we don’t have to then flounder around in chaos and discomfort. We can invoke the healing, calming energy of grace. The heat of it will move where we most need it. As I felt this last week, I felt everything in my being begin to surrender to its warmth. The inner turmoil and battle were quieted. And I also realized: it’s ok for me to exude grace. I don’t have to hide that in this lifetime. I can be fully Jackie. However she may look, be perceived or understood by others is ok. I don’t have to quiet her, dim her, tone her down in order to feel comfortable in being me. I can enter a state of grace, channel that grace to others in whatever form it takes and be ‘comfortable’ in me. 

I’m not sure words serve me well in sharing this with you, my friends. But I’m clear on it inside myself. I’ve shared below an excerpt of Caroline’s teaching on grace. Within just moments of listening, the power, the sacredness, the high altitude energy of her words penetrates my soul. 

So I don’t have a specific item or task for this week’s No Comfort Zone Challenge. I do have some places that aren’t comfortable, that are stretching me. I’m surrendering them to grace. They’re too personal to share, but I wanted to share with you the experience around them. And I have a list accumulating of some things I need to address that will fall under this challenge and will be tended to in future weeks. For today, for this round, I ask you to trust that I am honoring our journey into this space and I am honoring the call of my own soul. 

Walking 5 days last week was quite exhilarating. My husband even joined in! I remembered that I hear the voice of spirit so clearly when I walk. The importance of getting out of the house and moving my body goes far beyond the physical benefits. And yet, I do fully believe that as truth. I’ll keep walking….keep listening….and keep sharing. xoxo