I was thinking this morning about relationships and what is unseen. It’s taken me several years and several “layers” to appreciate a beautiful synchronicity between my husband and me. Mind you, the appearance of it is not quite so stunning. It goes something like this: I’m aggravated because he seems to be preoccupied and isn’t “present” in our interaction, whatever it may be. My aggravation makes itself known by saying something directed at him like “what’s wrong with you?” Or a sentence that begins with “you”….”you’re not present, you seem upset, you’re a little tense.” And I SO want to put it on him. That he seems a bit “off” and is responsible for my aggravation.
But really – it’s me who’s feeling something. I’m not feeling loved or I’m feeling distant from him. I’m the one who has the aggravation and for him it’s like an ambush when I say “you seem upset?” Rather than share with him what I’m feeling, I feel aggravated, rejected – and put it on him. It must be that he feels something unpleasant and creates a blip in our screen of love. Whether he is preoccupied with another area of life may or may not be true. But if I’m coming to him and immediately projecting my feelings onto him, I will never know the true answer. And I rob us both of honest and intimate communication.
Jenny McCarthy said of her breakup with Jim Carey that she took out a piece of paper and wrote down all the “negative” things she felt he’d done or not done in their relationship. She then went down the page and crossed out Jim and wrote “I.” Whatever she believed he had made her feel was all her own doing. I love Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote: “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” My husband cannot make me feel unloved, unappreciated, unnoticed. But I sure can. I’m solely responsible for how I feel and how I see myself. People and situations may come along that are upsetting, but then it’s up to me what I do with that experience.
And THAT is the beautiful synchronicity. Just when I need to see myself clearly, appreciate my own value and know within who I am really am, I begin to feel my husband doesn’t. This is God’s gift to us all. We are paired in our lives with spouses, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, friends and loved ones with whom we share a contract to help one another grow and heal the places we are broken.
Truly, what I most need in those moments of aggravation is to listen to my own heart whispers. For when I do, I understand the language of love that prompts me to cuddle up close and let love flow with my husband. Even when I’m not feeling loved, I can always find within myself the desire to love. It pulses with life and shines an exquisitely shimmering light. I have only to pause long enough to listen….to see…..to feel.
This is my wish for you today. Pause long enough to hear your own heart whispers of love.