It’s a cliche, I know….but it’s proving true in my heart a bit: “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” While I fully believed I knew how much I love and appreciate, admire and adore, care for and connect with my younger brother, it’s hitting me even more deeply as the evening goes on. He’s been staying with us for nearly a year and a half, taking time to understand and connect with “what’s next” in the space of a loving environment. To us, he’s been one of our family–sharing meals, favorite shows, conversations, challenges and triumphs.
I knew all of this already. But what I’m realizing tonight, in this moment as tears flow without restraint down my cheeks is how deeply I love him. Today was moving day. He’s only been gone less than an hour….moving into the next phase of his life, becoming more of his authentic and empowered self…and only 45 minutes or a phone call away. Yet, the hole in my heart is already feeling as though thousands of miles have been placed between us.
Nate’s been my best friend, confidante, spiritual companion through these months. Always his arms are open to love and support. Whatever might be running through my mind, raging through my veins or softening my heart–we could talk about it. Tough decisions, relationship reflections, even working things out between the two of us in the most difficult of moments–we shared openly.
We laughed, we cried, we sometimes just could “be” together. I’ll miss that. We’ll always have this special relationship we share, but it’s evolving into something different now–not bad, just different. And in this space, I’m honoring these feelings. Because as I’ve written about recently and shared with the quote I love so much:
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi
I don’t feel wounded, but I do feel the heartbreak mingled with love and admiration. As I’m allowing myself to feel the depth of emotions that have caught me a bit off guard in letting go, I’m feeling the depth of love I have been and am so blessed to share with Nate. I’m seeing through eyes of my soul how extraordinary this man is and how much he brought to my spirit.
The sacred heart is one that is broken open in order to allow love and compassion to grow in the crack. I’m feeling that….and so I know that what comes through this chasm is a love more pure, more sacred and more real than I knew until this moment. The light enters. The light of Divine love for a Divine being who I am blessed, honored and grateful to have shared my heart and soul with over this time we were graciously given to grow together. And because of our experience, our openness, our journey together, we each take the energy of Divine love into the world around us.
My days will be quieter going forward. But in the space of where Nate and I shared so much, there will be the bloom for each of us of new life being birthed. I’m confident that as we go forward…we’ll grow with Grace and expand even more into our authentic selves…..listening to the whispers of our hearts…..