Beneath the Emotion

Continuing on from yesterday’s post…

Allowing the emotional flow to breathe and move through my consciousness, there’s a deep well of truth to be learned about myself and my patterns.  Sometimes I forget to love, and indeed get too busy to let myself FEEL how much and how passionately I love.  Even now, I can feel so fully within myself the pure essence of love, and yet, with it comes a bit of guilt that I didn’t show it more while I had the opportunity.  And this is part of what I’m learning about myself–how much guilt I have, take on, create inside.  Then the guilt becomes part of the wall that is unconsciously being built between me and the energy of loving.  It’s beginning to feel a bit complex, isn’t it?  I understand completely.  Somehow, writing it helps to unwind all the twists, turns and knots created by the chaos of my own mind and unhealthy patterns.

If I keep myself in the space of the guilty feelings, I lose the connection to the love that is already filling the “cracks.”  Instead, it becomes a robotic way of thinking:  “I should have, why didn’t I, wish I….”  A deep pool of emptiness from which there is no rescue. 

I’m not choosing to swim in that water.  By becoming an observer to the way my subconscious self is handling the pain of loss, the cracks in my heart and the grief that follows, I’m realizing where I have blindly just moved around my own heartaches rather than through them.  Not this time.  I’m standing right in the middle of it, opening my arms, my heart and my soul to receive the healing that comes through the light filling my emptiness. 

The next piece I’m realizing is my own propensity to begin caring for others in order to not have to feel the sadness.  If I can just take care of them, make sure THEY are ok and have everything they need….then somehow in my twisted monkey mind, I’LL be ok too.  It’s a vicious cycle, a drug of its own.  My addictive habit I’m realizing, although I thought I had kicked it a few years back when I stopped putting myself in the position of always being busy taking care of what I perceived others needed.  I consciously made the effort to take care of ME.  And this my friends, is how our patterns work.  This is how we move through our journey in that cyclical process.  What we feel we have “mastered,” learned or overcome only comes back into our lives through a different route.  Indeed, we have grown through the same “addiction” in another place, through another lens, but then we return to the same truth of ourselves, with new players, a new stage and fresh, vibrant storylines.  The beauty of the process is that with each return, we go a bit deeper in our healing, our self-awareness, our Divine being.

It’s all part of the journey, all forward motion (as forward as we can be while traveling a spherical path)–or perhaps inward motion is a better term, as we are moving deeper into the space of authenticity, where empowerment lives.  We go even deeper from there, to the castle of our soul.  I know for me, I’ll take whatever route needed to get THERE, for that is where I long to be, in the presence of GRACE, Divine love and in communion with Spirit/God.  If it’s through the cracks and harsh doses of self-awareness that I must go to find this place, in the center of myself, then I’m willing to take every step. 

There’s more to what I’m learning, but this is enough for today.  I’m grateful for this process.  I’m thankful for the opportunity to break, to heal, to love.  I’m honored to be here with each of you, who allow me to share the most precious whispers of my heart….xo

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Inspiring fiery passion through soul connection. Lover, Seducer, Awakener, Firestarter, Visionary. #kissingthesacred

4 thoughts on “Beneath the Emotion”

  1. Anna–this is beautiful, so open and eloquently shared. You’re very right about the tools we each have, and the Universe graciously sends us what we need.

    Interestingly, after writing this the other day the pain and pressure began to lift. My sister Lydia reminded me of something from “The Power of Now” that Eckhart Tolle said when talking about guilt: it’s not connected to the present, but its power lives in focusing on the past. All too often we live our lives focused on yesterday or tomorrow and forget about “right now.” With the wisdom of his words and the compassion of her sharing….the reality set in and transformation into a space of healing took an even greater effect.

    I’m so thankful for you and your sharing heart–as I am to the others that join us here in this sanctuary of my own inner voice. We are so very blessed to have found one another and come together. For isn’t it true…we are a reflection. And so it must also be true…that there is an abundance of love flowing through this space. How blessed are we! Love you. xoxo

  2. It is the cycle of change. I am always weary of people who call themselves experts. I’ve been in my field of work 12 years, I would never claim to be an expert, I would never claim to know everything there is because it simply isn’t true. When I work with someone the most important thing I can do is listen to them, their story, their journey. As we work together we identify what they want to make changes in, and how they best want to work with that. For each different phase of the cycle of change (prochaska and diclemente) there are different skills and tools not only for myself to use in helping people achieve what they need to, but also for them to learn to make the changes.

    I see, very much so, my job as giving people tools for their tool box, or teaching them to use the tools they already have to better use. As people go through attempts at making changes they slowly learn to identify (through awareness) the situation and what tools they need and to use those tools they are equipped with to deal with things more effectively.

    It isn’t just about substance use, it’s for all life.

    You are learning to use your tools better, through awareness. The tool of love in particular is a tricky one. As with most tools it can be used for many different purposes, some better than others. As we increase our awareness, our ‘being in the moment’, as we are mindful, we see more clearly the most effective ways of using the tools to do the specific task we require completing.

    The one thing that has been so amazingly clear since meeting you is your love. If there was only one word that I could use to describe you it would be love. Now I know it is different than being present with you every day and experiencing all that is you, but I do believe that the ‘frequency’ you are on is most definitely the one you so describe at the end of your blog, the goals you have set yourself. The tools you are using are tuning you appropriately.

    The cycle never ends, we can always learn more, but who would want to stop learning anyway?

    Guilt is a heavy burden. I know that we probably won’t ever in earthly existence free ourselves totally from guilt but if you are looking back on situations, and feeling the guilt there is a very positive thing you can adopt to help dissolve the power. In asking the question what can I do differently next time you can acknowledge constructively all that was not so good in the situation and find solutions to turn it around, see a different perspective. Even in the good things when we look at things from a doing differently angle we are able to factor in so much light and many possibilities that it makes the opportunities in the future a more exciting place, because we have the chance of directing the changes we wish to see in our lives.

    Thank you for opening your heart Jackie. I love you ❤

  3. So right Grace, so right. Co-dependent. It’s like a dirty word, isn’t it? Thankfully, we can step back in times like this and see it so clearly. As always, I’m grateful to share with you and feel your love. Sending it right back out to you. xoxo

  4. AH… as a recovered CareGiver (in other realms, called CoDependent), I can totally feel you here.

    How wonderful that you are so in touch with your feelings, that even in the midst of ‘them’, you can see all the intricacies.

    Thank you for sharing, sweet lady. Much love to you.

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

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