Continuing on from yesterday’s post…
Allowing the emotional flow to breathe and move through my consciousness, there’s a deep well of truth to be learned about myself and my patterns. Sometimes I forget to love, and indeed get too busy to let myself FEEL how much and how passionately I love. Even now, I can feel so fully within myself the pure essence of love, and yet, with it comes a bit of guilt that I didn’t show it more while I had the opportunity. And this is part of what I’m learning about myself–how much guilt I have, take on, create inside. Then the guilt becomes part of the wall that is unconsciously being built between me and the energy of loving. It’s beginning to feel a bit complex, isn’t it? I understand completely. Somehow, writing it helps to unwind all the twists, turns and knots created by the chaos of my own mind and unhealthy patterns.
If I keep myself in the space of the guilty feelings, I lose the connection to the love that is already filling the “cracks.” Instead, it becomes a robotic way of thinking: “I should have, why didn’t I, wish I….” A deep pool of emptiness from which there is no rescue.
I’m not choosing to swim in that water. By becoming an observer to the way my subconscious self is handling the pain of loss, the cracks in my heart and the grief that follows, I’m realizing where I have blindly just moved around my own heartaches rather than through them. Not this time. I’m standing right in the middle of it, opening my arms, my heart and my soul to receive the healing that comes through the light filling my emptiness.
The next piece I’m realizing is my own propensity to begin caring for others in order to not have to feel the sadness. If I can just take care of them, make sure THEY are ok and have everything they need….then somehow in my twisted monkey mind, I’LL be ok too. It’s a vicious cycle, a drug of its own. My addictive habit I’m realizing, although I thought I had kicked it a few years back when I stopped putting myself in the position of always being busy taking care of what I perceived others needed. I consciously made the effort to take care of ME. And this my friends, is how our patterns work. This is how we move through our journey in that cyclical process. What we feel we have “mastered,” learned or overcome only comes back into our lives through a different route. Indeed, we have grown through the same “addiction” in another place, through another lens, but then we return to the same truth of ourselves, with new players, a new stage and fresh, vibrant storylines. The beauty of the process is that with each return, we go a bit deeper in our healing, our self-awareness, our Divine being.
It’s all part of the journey, all forward motion (as forward as we can be while traveling a spherical path)–or perhaps inward motion is a better term, as we are moving deeper into the space of authenticity, where empowerment lives. We go even deeper from there, to the castle of our soul. I know for me, I’ll take whatever route needed to get THERE, for that is where I long to be, in the presence of GRACE, Divine love and in communion with Spirit/God. If it’s through the cracks and harsh doses of self-awareness that I must go to find this place, in the center of myself, then I’m willing to take every step.
There’s more to what I’m learning, but this is enough for today. I’m grateful for this process. I’m thankful for the opportunity to break, to heal, to love. I’m honored to be here with each of you, who allow me to share the most precious whispers of my heart….xo