Reclaiming Sensuality

I’ve realized recently what I lost somewhere along the way: that sensual connection to life, from every level and perspective. As my own life changed several years ago from one who relied on her physical prowess to feel ‘secure,’ I let go of pieces of myself that were undesirable, ugly, empty. But along with those pieces went some of the ability to really let my senses guide me to that inner sweetness we all carry.

Or perhaps, the words come as I’m writing this–I lost it long before that transformative time in my life. Perhaps THAT bit of myself wasn’t based on the ‘real thing’ either. Certainly I possessed the ability to connect with the fullness of my being to the beauty, ecstasy and sensual pleasure of my world as a child. We come into this life equipped and blessed with the desire to do so. Somewhere along the way, I ‘shushed’ that part of myself, locked her into a closet and asked her–demanded of her that she be quiet.

I’ve thought these last years that I had moved through some of this and indeed, believe I have. There was the time of not wanting to be beautiful, attractive, too feminine at all. As a physical ‘casting off’ of the person I’d been, I rebelled against the female presence that had been flaunted and put on for show in order to feel ‘safe’ and ‘wanted.’ I was determined no longer to be that woman–that girl.

And then with time, I realized the inner desire was really one of seeking connection to the Divine, to the pure and authentic sweetness of the sacred. This inner knowing gave me a new perspective on it all, helped me to see the purpose, to understand how and why I had lived as I did. I ‘got it.’ And I must admit it felt wonderfully liberating to shift perspective and see myself from this place, and to once again embrace the fullness of being a woman.

Yet, it’s all been stirred up once again. Two experiences this week brought about a realization of a very deep, very powerful desire to intimately connect to the sensuality of the Divine in ways that feel overwhelming and a bit filled with fear. There’s a sense of ‘losing control’ and not being able to remain centered–or perhaps to remain ‘sane.’ But the call continues to come…and somewhere, somehow I must answer. If only I could plan and see what that might look like, how to wrap it up neatly in a package that presents herself in a way accepted not just by the world around her, but even more so–by her own inner critic and captor.

The second experience was through the simple process of a conversation around consciously connecting to eating chocolate. Listening to others share without censor times in their life that have brought about a sensual connection through chocolate–I could feel myself begin to hide behind the walls I’d constructed to ‘be’ somebody else. And I’m sad with the realization of it; with the recognition of this place within my being who remains silent because I have chosen her to be so. The fear of what she might be without the muzzle I’ve put on her is paralyzing.

This is a big AHA! moment for me….but not the kind that makes the lights and whistles go off inside onself. Instead it’s the kind that feels wrapped in confusion, uncertainty, fears that feel foreign and a lack of knowing my authentic self. Perhaps there is even a tendency to want to keep her quiet, to continue on in ‘safe’ mode and smile as though all is as it was. But it’s not, is it? No my dear friends….it’s not. And I cannot ignore the call. Thus begins an unveiling, an opening, a blind reliance on the Universe to guide me through this process. I don’t know what it is, how it will look–but I know enough in my HEAD at least, that the fears and the thoughts perpetrated by them will present a picture so much ‘worse’ than anything real that can occur.

Thank you for holding this space, allowing me to ‘talk out loud.’ As we’ve talked about here before, there is some step forward, a bit of validation in letting the truth be heard by others. And so you are each ‘witness’ to this step along my journey, here to uplift and support my soul with your presence. I’m grateful…humbled…and open to moving through this place in myself.

Love to all…xoxo

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Published by

Jacqueline

Inspiring fiery passion through soul connection. Lover, Seducer, Awakener, Firestarter, Visionary. #kissingthesacred

12 thoughts on “Reclaiming Sensuality”

  1. Jackie, I was moved and profoundly touched by your vulnerability , expressing your authentic truth . That created intimacy quickly….What an experience we had this morning.. Amazing what Chocolate brings up etc
    and how this caused you to be in more inquiry about your feminine , goddess self… I did feel that you were in a deep reflection of your sensuality, witnessing a part of you that was uncomfortable..,where the past triggered some invaluable emotions, stirring the pot…

    By being so transparent in your writing, you gave yourself fresh new wings and permission to further expand into your feminine radiance and human sensuality , and sexuality…..

    What we feel we can heal . Thanks so much for sharing so fully, with such openness, what you are experiencing, feeling.. You have reclaimed your Goddess self and I am so excited for you. Great to acknowledge from past where there was a lack of living in your Divine Feminine which did not represent this glowing sensual , beautiful being you truly are…Which you are now bringing forth and reclaiming…. . I honor the Goddess within you….I simply adore you, Jackie.. Namaste..Sunwolf
    Enjoyed the sharing of you and Nuckinuk

    1. You’ve brought a new awareness into this conversation Sunwolf: Goddess. After reading your note here, I’ve been pondering just how it is that I view the Goddess within myself–then and now. What is the truth of her? We are ever changing, are we not? So what we once were, we are no longer, unless it is that place that is our purest essence. THAT is where I want to return to–that beautiful, Divine, pure sacred place within my being that no longer holds herself in contempt or feels uncertain because the chains of her past are carried with her still. I can even visualize myself ‘shaking it off.’

      It’s so true–just verbalizing this, and with witnesses, has begun the process of release, healing, revitalizing a part of myself left to lie dormant. Thank you for your warmth, your openness and your willingness to allow my vulnerabilities to just BE. Too often we are fearful of that place in ourselves–and in others. Your warm spirit lovingly coaxes the beauty to shine in us all. I’m grateful to know you, to share this journey with you and to connect with such unconditional love and joy of LIFE! xoxo

  2. BEAUTIFUL POST – SO NAKED AND TRANSPARENT JACKIE 🙂 a beautiful Conversation with ANNA ……
    U are beautiful in every way – every atom of You screams beauty …..I love You miss Georgia 🙂
    always have – always will xx
    Yours xx
    C

  3. Anna~ Always you are filled with unconditional love and I thank you. I find myself not in a place of disliking what I find within, but rather of being uncertain just how it will be expressed at this time of my life. The ‘ugliness’ I saw in myself was somewhat warranted several years ago, because I had to see it for what it was in order to change it. With that said, ‘ugly’ comes in many forms. While I don’t believe it was ME who was ugly, I do continue to believe that some of the ways I chose to express myself were not fully authentic and therefore carried a false sense of being me.

    This time in my life is very different. What comes now is a deeply protected wariness about allowing the fullness of my desire to connect to the sacred and also to the fullness of our sensual selves. There are several layers to this: no longer am I feeling any of them are ugly, but rather that they are odd, strange, unaccepted in certain ways. And perhaps these are one in the same…but it feels differently. The feelings now feel as though they are beyond what I once was, who I am now or anything I’ll become. They feel buried in DNA from years and perhaps lifetimes passed. I’m reminded of a conversation with Anthony Hidalgo in which we discussed that one does not have to go back to that place in order to obtain healing.

    And here is where you have ‘hit the nail on the head.’ LOVE is what heals. This love is very intimate, personal, vulnerable–more so than much of what I have allowed myself to experience. It lives in a sacred, protected place. THAT realization mingled with the seasoning of my heart’s full expression is what I know will create the shift. I’ve moved through layers of being afraid to BE love–what it must look like and how it might not be accepted. This feels as perhaps another of those layers, buried deep within and filled with an enormous level of transformative and Divine power.

    Thank you for your love and your wisdom Anna. You touch my heart deeply and I’m so glad to have you in my life. xoxo

    1. Do you really need to know how something will be expressed? There are lots of things that we can’t control and there are the unpredictability of being human that means that even the best intentions can go out of the window.

      If you can love everything no matter where it comes from, it will heal.

      Trust that you will respond in the correct way to maximise your learning in any and every situation. You work hard on your journey, there is no part of how you behave, respond or react that you won’t own or work through if needed.

      We learn lots when things go wrong.You are still perfectly imperfect even if the expression from you is not how you would have liked. If we try to control how it comes out then we alter the experience and the lessons.

      There are some areas of our life where control and planning work really well, I would suggest this might be one of those areas where it is less effective.

      Sensuality isn’t a word that seems to work with control, it’s flowing and responsive, reactive. You will reclaim all that is yours to reclaim along your journey. Love love love you.

      1. You’re so right Anna….why does one ‘need to know’ in order to be? And perhaps you’ve hit the most sensitive place of all with just one word that is present throughout this entire comment: CONTROL. One can’t surrender to the Divine and maintain control, can they?

        The second word that stands out is ‘trust’–trusting myself to be able to handle whatever comes along. And I can do that because–and WHEN–I’m in tune with my own heart truth.

        I love you Anna. Your wisdom is far beyond what you realize. Thank you for sharing it with me. You do SEE me so clearly. xoxo

  4. Jackie, you and I know, with the sincerest heart that you are perfectly imperfect. Just as you love me unconditionally, I ask you to ‘borrow’ my eyes, to take a look at you through my heart, through my perspective. When you do that you will know the extra things you could do to support you.

    Allow the inner Jackie to talk louder than the inner critic. Just BE and know that there is no wrong in who you are. You have the awareness, you have the intelligence- emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

    You do know you. Uncertainty comes in when we are not comfortable with just loving all of us, warts and all, unconditionally. Fear comes in when we acknowledge the parts of us we’d rather not see, but they just are. The only way is love. Unconditional love. If we ignore the parts of us we don’t like then they cast a shadow over us. If we disown them, they pop up when we are least expecting it. If we love them then we validate all of us and know that no matter what it might be we can disarm it with the same unconditional love that you see so visibly healing others. That same unconditional love you use in healing the world.

    The power is shifted from the negative to the positive when we acknowledge it all. Just as there is positive in everything, the aspects of us we don’t like so much also contain benefits and positives. The challenge is to find the positive or just love it anyway (and the positive will come) At first it’s just alarming, because we have an image of ourselves and an intention to be a specific way.

    You could ask of a certain trait, characteristic, habit or thought pattern; how can I use this differently? How can I view this differently?

    Jackie, I love you on all levels in all dimensions. It’s time for you to really do the same. It’s time to stop judging yourself, you simply are beautiful and perfectly imperfect.

    We all have the journey to take and we learn what we need to at any time. Release the fears and embrace YOU. You are good enough already, with all that you are. Love you sweet sweet lady.

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

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