I’ve realized recently what I lost somewhere along the way: that sensual connection to life, from every level and perspective. As my own life changed several years ago from one who relied on her physical prowess to feel ‘secure,’ I let go of pieces of myself that were undesirable, ugly, empty. But along with those pieces went some of the ability to really let my senses guide me to that inner sweetness we all carry.
Or perhaps, the words come as I’m writing this–I lost it long before that transformative time in my life. Perhaps THAT bit of myself wasn’t based on the ‘real thing’ either. Certainly I possessed the ability to connect with the fullness of my being to the beauty, ecstasy and sensual pleasure of my world as a child. We come into this life equipped and blessed with the desire to do so. Somewhere along the way, I ‘shushed’ that part of myself, locked her into a closet and asked her–demanded of her that she be quiet.
I’ve thought these last years that I had moved through some of this and indeed, believe I have. There was the time of not wanting to be beautiful, attractive, too feminine at all. As a physical ‘casting off’ of the person I’d been, I rebelled against the female presence that had been flaunted and put on for show in order to feel ‘safe’ and ‘wanted.’ I was determined no longer to be that woman–that girl.
And then with time, I realized the inner desire was really one of seeking connection to the Divine, to the pure and authentic sweetness of the sacred. This inner knowing gave me a new perspective on it all, helped me to see the purpose, to understand how and why I had lived as I did. I ‘got it.’ And I must admit it felt wonderfully liberating to shift perspective and see myself from this place, and to once again embrace the fullness of being a woman.
Yet, it’s all been stirred up once again. Two experiences this week brought about a realization of a very deep, very powerful desire to intimately connect to the sensuality of the Divine in ways that feel overwhelming and a bit filled with fear. There’s a sense of ‘losing control’ and not being able to remain centered–or perhaps to remain ‘sane.’ But the call continues to come…and somewhere, somehow I must answer. If only I could plan and see what that might look like, how to wrap it up neatly in a package that presents herself in a way accepted not just by the world around her, but even more so–by her own inner critic and captor.
The second experience was through the simple process of a conversation around consciously connecting to eating chocolate. Listening to others share without censor times in their life that have brought about a sensual connection through chocolate–I could feel myself begin to hide behind the walls I’d constructed to ‘be’ somebody else. And I’m sad with the realization of it; with the recognition of this place within my being who remains silent because I have chosen her to be so. The fear of what she might be without the muzzle I’ve put on her is paralyzing.
This is a big AHA! moment for me….but not the kind that makes the lights and whistles go off inside onself. Instead it’s the kind that feels wrapped in confusion, uncertainty, fears that feel foreign and a lack of knowing my authentic self. Perhaps there is even a tendency to want to keep her quiet, to continue on in ‘safe’ mode and smile as though all is as it was. But it’s not, is it? No my dear friends….it’s not. And I cannot ignore the call. Thus begins an unveiling, an opening, a blind reliance on the Universe to guide me through this process. I don’t know what it is, how it will look–but I know enough in my HEAD at least, that the fears and the thoughts perpetrated by them will present a picture so much ‘worse’ than anything real that can occur.
Thank you for holding this space, allowing me to ‘talk out loud.’ As we’ve talked about here before, there is some step forward, a bit of validation in letting the truth be heard by others. And so you are each ‘witness’ to this step along my journey, here to uplift and support my soul with your presence. I’m grateful…humbled…and open to moving through this place in myself.
Love to all…xoxo