Or perhaps it’s ‘without eloquence.’ Something inside myself feels lacking the ability to connect with the elegance of writing, sharing. Instead I’m feeling overly emotional, unsure of myself, unable to go about the ‘usual’ notes of the day. I’ve had the screaming woman in my head at times, but she’s become instead a heap of tears just waiting for something to trigger their silent march over my cheeks.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt quite this way–and perhaps I never have in ‘quite this way.’ That longing, the hunger for something more, something deeper, something ELSE is what drives my every moment. There’s no escape, nor do I even feel the energy to try finding one. I’m full IN it.
There aren’t words for whatever this is, other than to say I know there is purpose. It’s the Divine who understands what that could possibly be. And for now–I’m not meant to know; only to trust, to allow, to surrender to its presence.
I can’t help but wonder how it relates to turning 40 this year. There aren’t negative emotions around this age for me, only a sense of stepping wholly into a new space in my life, my self, my soul. There’s a sacredness that transcends the human world and yet paradoxically is infused into every thought, emotion, sensation I experience. As I write that sentence, I realize: while I haven’t been aware and even just said there aren’t negative emotions, perhaps there are negative feelings that trigger emotions. I’ve never been one to worry about my health, my body, being fit and eating right. Yet, the call comes and if I’m honest, I’m not happy about it at all. And in the most intimate place of my being there is the realization that some part of me continues to fight it. Ugh.
I feel so much wrapped up in this time of my life…and the truths are coming even as I type. This is a space in which we once again must go deep within and heal places in ourselves that have remained silent, waiting for us to be at the ready. The physical is one thing, but the whispers remind me there is emotional shifting as well. Surrender. Honor. Letting go. Allowing. These are the short words that are my truth. Women cannot play at being young girls, for we are not. Nor do I truly want to be. Time to bring some of those places within myself to present time, to let the authentic bits of me become even more apparent and out into the open.
Funny isn’t it? I’ve watched our daughter move through the space of honoring who she is as a young gay woman and haven’t felt a kinship to what that must be like in today’s climate. And yet, we each have parts of ourselves that we would rather for a time keep ‘in the closet.’ The warm beauty of Lauren being true to herself is that she continually talks of the liberated sense of being that envelops her on a daily basis. ‘I can just be who I am mom.’ I heard her voice echo in my heart. She is more my teacher than my child in this moment. And I am feeling blessed.
There is a richness in this place, even when I can’t feel it to be so, I know it from the depths of my heart to be what is true. And in the darkest moments, I know too that I am always held in the arms of the Divine–always. So that is where I’ll leave you my friends…..in the presence of Divine love….each one of us wrapped in grace. xoxo