Without Words

Or perhaps it’s ‘without eloquence.’ Something inside myself feels lacking the ability to connect with the elegance of writing, sharing. Instead I’m feeling overly emotional, unsure of myself, unable to go about the ‘usual’ notes of the day. I’ve had the screaming woman in my head at times, but she’s become instead a heap of tears just waiting for something to trigger their silent march over my cheeks.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt quite this way–and perhaps I never have in ‘quite this way.’ That longing, the hunger for something more, something deeper, something ELSE is what drives my every moment. There’s no escape, nor do I even feel the energy to try finding one. I’m full IN it.

There aren’t words for whatever this is, other than to say I know there is purpose. It’s the Divine who understands what that could possibly be. And for now–I’m not meant to know; only to trust, to allow, to surrender to its presence.

I can’t help but wonder how it relates to turning 40 this year. There aren’t negative emotions around this age for me, only a sense of stepping wholly into a new space in my life, my self, my soul. There’s a sacredness that transcends the human world and yet paradoxically is infused into every thought, emotion, sensation I experience. As I write that sentence, I realize: while I haven’t been aware and even just said there aren’t negative emotions, perhaps there are negative feelings that trigger emotions. I’ve never been one to worry about my health, my body, being fit and eating right. Yet, the call comes and if I’m honest, I’m not happy about it at all. And in the most intimate place of my being there is the realization that some part of me continues to fight it. Ugh.

I feel so much wrapped up in this time of my life…and the truths are coming even as I type. This is a space in which we once again must go deep within and heal places in ourselves that have remained silent, waiting for us to be at the ready. The physical is one thing, but the whispers remind me there is emotional shifting as well. Surrender. Honor. Letting go. Allowing. These are the short words that are my truth. Women cannot play at being young girls, for we are not. Nor do I truly want to be. Time to bring some of those places within myself to present time, to let the authentic bits of me become even more apparent and out into the open.

Funny isn’t it? I’ve watched our daughter move through the space of honoring who she is as a young gay woman and haven’t felt a kinship to what that must be like in today’s climate. And yet, we each have parts of ourselves that we would rather for a time keep ‘in the closet.’ The warm beauty of Lauren being true to herself is that she continually talks of the liberated sense of being that envelops her on a daily basis. ‘I can just be who I am mom.’ I heard her voice echo in my heart. She is more my teacher than my child in this moment. And I am feeling blessed.

There is a richness in this place, even when I can’t feel it to be so, I know it from the depths of my heart to be what is true. And in the darkest moments, I know too that I am always held in the arms of the Divine–always. So that is where I’ll leave you my friends…..in the presence of Divine love….each one of us wrapped in grace. xoxo

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Published by

Jacqueline

Inspiring fiery passion through soul connection. Lover, Seducer, Awakener, Firestarter, Visionary. #kissingthesacred

13 thoughts on “Without Words”

  1. I smiled big when I got to this part: . “Yet, the call comes and if I’m honest, I’m not happy about it at all.” Behold, the Truth 🙂

    Sometimes we cover the truth with all sorts of things – even positive, good things – when what is most needful for us is to embrace the void…to get alone, stop trying to be all things to all people, embrace the tears and allow our pain to lead us to the core of the matter. Because there is a “core” to the Inbetweens 🙂

    You may not believe it now (and I’m only 14 years older than you) but 40 is a lot younger than you think it is. LOL I came into my own as a woman at 40. I was physically in the best shape of my life, I was happily marrying a much younger man (Larry was 32 at the time), the children were grown enough that I had some freedom….and don’t even get me started about taking Sexy Back…the first half of the 40s were HOT!!!

    Sometimes, just a slight shift in our perception changes everything. You’ll get your groove back, just you wait and see. Only…

    It might not look like what you thought it would 😉

    Love you!

    1. Thank you Janece….brought tears to my eyes. Seems I’m doing a lot of that lately–without always even knowing why. It does feel as though I’ve ‘lost my groove.’ And while I know in my mind that’s ok, some other part of my self is crying out (thus the tears, I guess) with a lack of understanding, grounding and void of the ability to gain stable footing once again.

      And it feels as though there is something that lies just out of reach. While I’m not happy about the whole ‘be mindful of your health’ piece, I’ve been quite looking forward to turning 40. Only–I had no idea there would be such emotional turmoil happening within myself. I believe this is a time when old ‘stuff’ comes to collect on the debt we owe–even if that’s simply letting it go rather than continuing to carry it forward. Strange, ridiculous feelings and beliefs are surfacing that I had thought were gone for good–and yet they seem to be staring me full in the face just now. Ugh. I don’t like one bit of it–and I know some part of me is fighting to just gain some ‘leg up’ with understanding, labeling, creating a reality around it. When in truth – what you say is true. Time to just let it go and allow the dark void to envelop me fully. I even thought today that perhaps days in bed with covers pulled over my head might be just perfect! LOL And that is a very foreign perspective to me.

      I so appreciate your understanding and could feel your compassion in the words you shared. I’m not feeling like myself….but my self isn’t who she used to be–not even who she was yesterday. So….I do see that somehow I’m still holding on. Thank you for your love….sending more of the same right back to you. xoxo

      1. Sweet Jackie. Your words here reminded me of the much loved and often quoted Richard Bach: What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

        Back in the days of some of my own very personal metamorphosis, I wrote a lot about this phase in a womans’ life. Frankly, I wouldn’t have minded going from wormy to wingy, if I could have skipped the cocoon stage! LOL But no worm who wants to become a butterfly ever gets outta this thing alive. We must all melt away. We must all go into that dark cramped place and become so much mush. The DNA in our system demands its.

        But there comes a day when the transformation is complete, and it’s time to break out into the Light of a New Day and spred our wings.

        Your turn will come. Have faith. Be courageous. Know you are loved beyond measure and nothing – absolutely nothing – can compare to the You you are becoming. 🙂 xox

  2. Jackie, You touch me, move me, as you are such a catalyst for others to go deep and feel what is real…. Your vulnerability creates closeness..I have a step son who is Gay , teaches yoga, has a retreat center in Costa Rico, and if it weren’t for his mom accepting him for who he is, he would never have this success. She gave him the confidence and love to live your passion. We love him so much and so proud that he following his passion … I can see that you are at a junction in your life, asking thought provoking questions , being proactive and even sharing through your writing, not only gives you more clarity.. it gives more more clarity for my own life….Maybe I ought to start my muse.. grin grin….I again want to acknowledge you for being transparent, sharing your emotions, your journey, in the light and dark..

    Love your exquisite writing, rich, deep, revealing, .”in the presence of Divine love….each one of us wrapped in grace. xoxo…. and healing to us all…

    BTW, interesting what you shared about turning 40.. I will have you guess my age.. Another passage… I did not say generation… grin grin.. pretty close though hee hee

    You are some kind of wonderful!

    1. Sunwolf–our every interaction leaves me with a soft heart and warm spirit–for that I humbly thank you. I so appreciate being able to share openly, to let my innermost self speak her truth in a way that not many years ago she couldn’t possibly have felt safe to do. And to consider that may uplift, honor and support others is a tremendous unexpected blessing.

      It feels sometimes as I write these deeply personal posts that I am merely in a place of ‘need.’ It doesn’t occur to me in that moment that someone else could possibly find respite, clarity, inner strength through what I am struggling with in my own life. To recognize that shifts my perspective immensely. Thank you for saying so.

      I have a thought about your age…although neither your face nor spirit betray you in that department! I’ll save that piece for our conversation later today or this week.

      Thank you for being the beautiful soul you are, and for choosing to be part of my journey at this time of my life. I’m so grateful. xoxo

  3. With every change of season brings a change of the self. Something I have personally experienced. Like the season we shed or discard what isn to needed and what emerges is something new… and reconnecting with that newsiness requires time and patience…
    There is a lot of compassion yet I sense a hurt…I could or maybe wrong…

    1. Your words ring true Savira. I’ve read and heard that as we reach pivotal points in our journeys, there will be old wounds or beliefs we need to heal/release. I’m coming face to face with some of these and am ready to move through them into the ‘new life’ that awaits me on the other side. Thank you for taking the time to share your heart….sending you love & gratitude. xoxo

  4. Jackie – My Sweet –
    Just from reading – i sense – and it may only be my empathy tuned in… That there is a new Voice in You coming .
    A beautiful new phase – or cycle .
    Your writing in the past few posts has been so much more Naked and transparent – and Translucent – as i commented before .
    My View – and it’s just me knowing you for a short tiny while through the method You express Yourself – Is That …
    A Brand new Voice from Your heart is being heard from your subconscious – and it’s rising up like a swelling wave –
    Just observing the ebb and flow or your words – and the beauty behind the heart beat behind them .
    I love You very Much .
    xx
    Cat

    1. Always I can feel your love Cat. That’s one of the greatest treasures you possess–to love so openly and freely. ❤

      Thank you for what you've said…it rings true for me–a new phase, voice, cycle. Something is indeed rising like a swelling wave…and I'm certain I have very little control over its movement.

      I'm grateful to read and receive your words. They always feel like a warm blanket of loving gentleness enfolding my entire being.

      I love you right back my dear friend.
      xoxo
      J

  5. I feel a zen tale coming from this (inspirational) emotions are a powerful part of our being, I know a couple of years ago I discovered something. I was to be at a very important meeting, it was raining, I put the boys (two foster children) in the truck and went to back out and got the truck stuck. I was so wrapped up emotionally, in anticipation of the meeting, dealing with the children, work and life was getting to be a heavy load to carry. I got out, in the rain and dug the truck tires out, got the truck un-stuck. I was spent, tired and had an extensive work out with the labor of digging the truck out. I changed and went to the sitters, went to the meeting and some how I felt confident through the meeting because I had been challenged to get there and over came it. I just this past spring had a meeting for a promotion, several people went up for the job, I went and worked out before going to the meeting. I was sore from pounding the punching back and exercises but went in confident and got the promotion. So when I feel anxious, nervous and emotionally challenged, I work out and challenge myself and it helps. I didn’t mean for this comment to run so long but I am hoping this theory may help you, xo (~_~)

    1. What rings true most in your words, my new friend, is the reminder to myself that there is a connection to oneself that can be experienced in the movement of one’s body. For me, walking is an absolute joy and a way to ‘get the energy moving.’ It also becomes its own meditation of sorts. Too often I see ‘fitness’ as something to be dreaded and scorned–and yet, there are ways for each of us that we find great comfort and our own source of strength within and through the process of movement.

      Loved your comment….I could feel the tense energy leave your awareness as you allowed the emotions to work through your efforts. There is something of tremendous value for each of us in this, and you have shared a lovely reminder of it. Thank you my friend. XOXO

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

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