The hunger I’m feeding could in fact be preventing me from connecting to the passion I’m actually feeling.
It’s uncomfortable–so we seek comfort; at least I do. Most of us who are gathered here are aware of the reality that so often human beings bury emotions beneath the food they eat. I’ve somewhat recognized this in myself, but not to the extent that is becoming so inescapably obvious. My belief is that as we approach significant rites of passage in our lives, we must come face to face with pieces we’ve buried beyond the surface of our every day thoughts. Tomorrow I’ll be 40 – the growing awareness leading up to that moment is that there are spaces within myself that require healing – in a way that I’ve not encountered for the last few years. There is a deep, deep sadness and pain that is longing to be seen and heard. I share this with you not to procure sympathy, but to move forward into a much more sacred truth around this process, one to which perhaps many of us can relate.
While to the human self, the voice is one of pain, emptiness, longing–in reality there is a Divine whisper beneath its call. The hunger comes from the recesses of my soul, manifesting in the form of human emotions and realities. What I recognize is the passion that lives unearthed in the core of my being. It’s become abundantly clear that staying in this place will only serve to block the outlet from which the most beautiful pieces of my spirit emanate. Resisting the looking glass through which I see what feels to be ugliness, unwelcome discipline, overwhelming emotion will only serve to squelch the melody that plays from the deep well of my soul, hidden beneath these layers.
The hunger is the voice of the Divine, calling, beckoning, reaching out. And yet, my perceived reality is such that I believe myself at times to be in a state of emptiness, without love, void of purpose–and so I feed THAT hunger, preventing the journey that takes me more further into the pure space of All That Is. So, in order to heal–I’m FEELING the hunger instead of FEEDING it. I’m acknowledging that food cannot satisfy the emptiness that lives within even as I embrace that the emptiness is what will drive me to seek union with the sacred rather than the fleeting satisfaction of food. This is a tremendous challenge for me, but one that I’m choosing to take on and feel my way through. Food has been a constant source of companionship. In my desire to be wholly present, it’s time to heal my relationship to what I eat, how I eat, why I eat. I’m telling my emotions it’s okay to feel this way. For as we open ourselves to feeling fully what is true for us, we give ourselves the gift of moving through the layers and arriving at what is a Universal truth for us. What we perceive is not always a Universal truth. Time to separate the two and honor the reality of my soul.
Thank you for listening, for allowing me to share this very intimate and personal truth with you. Although I have *known for some time there is inner work to be done here–healing to occur, letting go that is required–there has been a tremendous force of defense guarding the entrance to this space. I’m ready now. I choose wholeness. My heart whispers guidance to let go–trust that all is well, honor the call of my soul–and surrender even this. There is great fear in me. Just saying so shines light on it, acknowledging it, welcoming it rather than giving it power through exile. I am welcoming the fear, the sadness, the emptiness–because they are part of me. They are begging to be seen, to be heard, to be loved. Oh my, dear friends, that is a realization. As I recognize some part of me feels unloved, I’ve been asking today–how on earth do I know what to do to love that part, when I don’t even know what that part is? Yet, here has come some answer, revealed through just saying: ‘I am welcoming the fear, sadness, emptiness.’ THAT is the place in me that is unloved. The ugly. How we do deceive ourselves. Do you see my friends–that when we tuck it away, in a room dusty and stale, door closed, never to be opened or seen again–that we abandon some part of who we are? I’ve done just that. Whatever it’s been that has made Jackie want to eat for comfort–I left that part of her locked away, steeped in judgment, loneliness, guilt and shame.
No more. I’m unlocking the door, looking inside, clearing the cobwebs and holding her with love. This is the journey laid out for me. This is the gift I give to Jackie as she becomes more fully herself–ALL of herself.
All my love…
P.S. I couldn’t believe this image when I found it – about comfort food. This is the ‘story’ my ego has been telling so that I could ‘be ok.’