I couldn’t have guessed what the real implication of moving out of my own ‘comfort zone’ would be this early in 2012. Yesterday – January 1 – I had an emotional meltdown. Typically I’m very mindful of how I communicate and interact when my emotions are stretched to the edge – and even that isn’t a regular occurrence. Mindfulness in expression, I’ve worked hard to connect to that space. And I really thought taking part in this ‘no comfort zone’ challenge would expand my ability to live authentically and connect me even more intimately with my purest self.
As I tried to fall asleep after unleashing tears, anger, frustration and all of what I was feeling inside on the people involved, I could hear myself thinking aloud: ‘Welcome to your no comfort zone, Jackie.’ Emotions neatly processed, words carefully chosen, choices weighed with conscious contemplation. I don’t ‘lose it’ very often, in fact I can’t recall the last time I did.
But the walls of safety, my desire for integrity and efforts of mindfulness couldn’t hold me in last night. It wasn’t unkindness that flowed from me, but a deep, deep pain and frustration that sought to move beyond the barriers and ‘right ways’ of expressing and just be heard. I can’t begin to tell you, my friends, how careful I usually am to not say something harmful, to not be the parent who can’t control her emotions when her children upset her, to hold it together and not become the ’emotional mother’ when I feel hurt by teenagers who have no idea what life is really about–because I don’t want to put ‘my stuff’ on them. I want to be a conscious mother who honors her children’s feelings and ability to choose–only perhaps I’ve done too much of that and the scales are out of balance.
I would normally be checking everything I said this morning to see what damage I might have done. And yet, something deeper inside knows it wasn’t about that, and I wasn’t cruel or unkind. I was human. Feeling, expressing, speaking my truth–out loud. It’s not only our comfortable truth that we are compelled to share, is it friends? We have emotional truth, spiritual truth, mental truth–all are a part of our being. Emotional truth found her way to my lips last night, and she spoke with a passion that couldn’t be quieted. And here’s what’s true: I’m not sorry. Not because I’m pious–but because I can’t find anything to feel ‘sorry’ for.
My realization in all this in real-life time of what I have known to be true: when we begin listening to our guidance (to walk five days in one week, for example) we step into the unknown and much, much greater things begin moving. The comfortable box I was in, where I could find peace in how I was interacting throughout this 6 month ordeal in our family took new form last night. What was once a nice square ‘cardboard box’ is now a flattened bit of flaps that no longer fit together. Alchemy. Spiritual alchemy. What was–is no longer.
I don’t know what today will bring. I do know that I’m committed to this journey, however it leads me. And it feels quite clear that 2012 will bring an unveiling of the walls that confine who I am. Beyond those walls lives the mystery, the mystical journey, the magic of BEing. THAT is my destination. I’m so grateful to have found Marge’s post about the ‘no-comfort zone’ challenge. For in taking those steps of committing, listening to the guidance that came, and then following through and WALKING yesterday, already the transformation has made her entrance. And that was DAY ONE.