Unraveling. That’s the word I would use to define myself just now. Some others might be perplexed, uncertain and even a bit unhinged. It’s no coincidence I’ve entered a bit of inner confusion just as the start of a new year is upon us. My soul was seeking change, and with a hurricane force, I’m experiencing just that on so many levels and in so many areas of life.
Caroline Myss taught us that confusion is good – for our spirit. It means we enter a space of darkness in which we are then able to let go of pretense, seeking out only our own true reality, universal truths, Divine connection. I *know this to be true. And yet, the confusion and uncertainty are the reality I’m living in.
That ‘perfection’ word has really got me. No one could have known the impact their supportive comments could have had, and yet I know there is purpose in all of this. I mean: I *know. Again – the knowing doesn’t change the discomfort.
Marge, Joss, Cat & others: Could we ever have imagined that the ‘no comfort zone’ would bring us into discomfort in so many areas of our lives – and SO quickly? Yes, perhaps. But now we’re living the every day reality of that vision.
What I find to be the most disconcerting is that the words don’t always ‘work’ anymore. My writing style….my interaction, communication especially through written word has always had a certain ‘flow’ to it. I know what it feels like…and when I’m unable to get there…..well…..
Oh my…the realizations that are coming. ‘The Ugly Truth’ could have been the title of this post. It hurts to say that sometimes when I’m unable to get there authentically….I ‘fake it.’ Ugh. I seek out the warmest thing I can say when I simply don’t know WHAT to say. It’s almost amusing to observe myself even now trying to insert little ‘explanations’ into this post to make it a little less ugly….ALMOST amusing, but not really.
So what happens now? I have no clue, other than I don’t WANT to fake it. The words aren’t flowing, there’s not a river-like rhythm to what I’m sharing. Instead it feels like a jumbled up mess that I couldn’t possibly ‘edit’ to move more beautifully…..there’s just no way. What would be the point anyway?
Perfection. It’s breaking down inside me so quickly, I can’t even find a way to MAKE it remain on lead. And here’s what’s true, my friends: While somewhere deep inside myself I surely *knew all this was true….in the everyday place of awareness….I had no idea. Thus the ‘sting.’ Perhaps this is not a year of whispers from my heart, but 2×4’s, lol. Or perhaps a heart’s whisper isn’t always gentle, sweet and loving. I’m redefining it for myself, I think….no, I’m REfining it, the heart’s whisper. Because really, I know it’s the message, the yearning, the truth of who we are, from the very depths of our soul. And that truth isn’t always beautiful to the human eye…..only to the view that comes from the purity of our hearts.
I don’t have anything profound to share today. I don’t have words of wisdom to uplift you. I’m not feeling filled with grace or elegance. But I am sharing what is true. Even though it seems ugly by comparison. My ego isn’t filled with pride at how beautiful all these words are. I’m seeing myself. With a very raw clarity that creates change and brings me to tears. And although there are places in me that feel ugly, empty, without worth…..I know this is positive. I know the sting represented truth I needed to see. Here on day five of this new year. I’m continuing to break down the box….to let the flaps lie as they are. No ‘prettying it up’ or ‘keeping it safe.’ I can’t even find the tools to do that. It just doesn’t work anymore.
In the situation with our son that is currently so challenging – I keep hearing him say how ‘tired he is of this.’ This, I can see clearly is him trying to hold on to something that just isn’t possible – to fight for it rather than let life move forward and see who and what he is. I can so relate….but haven’t realized until just now….how very tired I am. Time to stop fighting for perfection. The reward is rapidly growing dim….and losing value.
To the mirrors in my life…and you know who you are….I thank you for reflecting the truth back to me. xo