‘Mirror, Mirror’

Unraveling. That’s the word I would use to define myself just now. Some others might be perplexed, uncertain and even a bit unhinged. It’s no coincidence I’ve entered a bit of inner confusion just as the start of a new year is upon us. My soul was seeking change, and with a hurricane force, I’m experiencing just that on so many levels and in so many areas of life. 

Caroline Myss taught us that confusion is good – for our spirit. It means we enter a space of darkness in which we are then able to let go of pretense, seeking out only our own true reality, universal truths, Divine connection. I *know this to be true. And yet, the confusion and uncertainty are the reality I’m living in. 

That ‘perfection’ word has really got me. No one could have known the impact their supportive comments could have had, and yet I know there is purpose in all of this. I mean: I *know. Again – the knowing doesn’t change the discomfort. 

Marge, Joss, Cat & others: Could we ever have imagined that the ‘no comfort zone’ would bring us into discomfort in so many areas of our lives – and SO quickly? Yes, perhaps. But now we’re living the every day reality of that vision. 

What I find to be the most disconcerting is that the words don’t always ‘work’ anymore. My writing style….my interaction, communication especially through written word has always had a certain ‘flow’ to it. I know what it feels like…and when I’m unable to get there…..well…..

Oh my…the realizations that are coming. ‘The Ugly Truth’ could have been the title of this post. It hurts to say that sometimes when I’m unable to get there authentically….I ‘fake it.’ Ugh. I seek out the warmest thing I can say when I simply don’t know WHAT to say. It’s almost amusing to observe myself even now trying to insert little ‘explanations’ into this post to make it a little less ugly….ALMOST amusing, but not really. 

So what happens now? I have no clue, other than I don’t WANT to fake it. The words aren’t flowing, there’s not a river-like rhythm to what I’m sharing. Instead it feels like a jumbled up mess that I couldn’t possibly ‘edit’ to move more beautifully…..there’s just no way. What would be the point anyway?

Perfection. It’s breaking down inside me so quickly, I can’t even find a way to MAKE it remain on lead. And here’s what’s true, my friends: While somewhere deep inside myself I surely *knew all this was true….in the everyday place of awareness….I had no idea. Thus the ‘sting.’ Perhaps this is not a year of whispers from my heart, but 2×4’s, lol. Or perhaps a heart’s whisper isn’t always gentle, sweet and loving. I’m redefining it for myself, I think….no, I’m REfining it, the heart’s whisper. Because really, I know it’s the message, the yearning, the truth of who we are, from the very depths of our soul. And that truth isn’t always beautiful to the human eye…..only to the view that comes from the purity of our hearts. 

I don’t have anything profound to share today. I don’t have words of wisdom to uplift you. I’m not feeling filled with grace or elegance. But I am sharing what is true. Even though it seems ugly by comparison. My ego isn’t filled with pride at how beautiful all these words are. I’m seeing myself. With a very raw clarity that creates change and brings me to tears. And although there are places in me that feel ugly, empty, without worth…..I know this is positive. I know the sting represented truth I needed to see. Here on day five of this new year. I’m continuing to break down the box….to let the flaps lie as they are. No ‘prettying it up’ or ‘keeping it safe.’ I can’t even find the tools to do that. It just doesn’t work anymore

In the situation with our son that is currently so challenging – I keep hearing him say how ‘tired he is of this.’ This, I can see clearly is him trying to hold on to something that just isn’t possible – to fight for it rather than let life move forward and see who and what he is. I can so relate….but haven’t realized until just now….how very tired I am. Time to stop fighting for perfection. The reward is rapidly growing dim….and losing value. 

To the mirrors in my life…and you know who you are….I thank you for reflecting the truth back to me. xo

Published by

Jacqueline

Inspiring fiery passion through soul connection. Lover, Seducer, Awakener, Firestarter, Visionary. #kissingthesacred

22 thoughts on “‘Mirror, Mirror’”

  1. it seems we are each being challenged to be authentic and transparent. The most painful moments of growth seem to bring with them the most grace and revelation. Be gentle with yourself through this process, receive strong healing energies from us. Sometimes when we are this tired, it’s that we need to just let go, release it all – our expectations, our desires for things to be a certain way – let it all go and breathe, dear one, breathe in peace. And remember that once that box is flattened, it will make a wondrous floor upon which to dance.

    1. Grace. Oh, how that energy seeped into my being and continued the healing. I love what you said, Joss – and I felt it as I read it: ‘receive strong healing energies from us.’ I’m open, receiving and feeling full with the love and healing that surround me. Release was the next word that stood out in your post. Necessary for us to move forward.

      I’m ready for the dance. xoxo

  2. Jackie,
    Like you, I often sit down to write a post and just unleash the me that is feeling so lost and hopeless and then I turn the words around into encouragement and hope for others. It looks better to the blogging world but the twist is I didn’t get to truly express myself. And when I look back at the post – I read something upbeat and helpful with no hint of the lost soul within. Armor? Maybe. I’m working on changing that too – a bit more honesty in a wholesome manner… is that a contradiction too?

    I would love to connect on a deeper level with you – my email is nocomfortzone2012@gmail.com. I will gladly phone you or Skype you if you have the same desire to connect.

  3. Your boldness and bravery inspire me always Jackie! I’m writing of my own confusion and ‘unraveling’ privately in my Labyrinth Journal as a quiet giraffe at the moment, gathering steadiness … mindfully seeking to do no harm to myself or others while sitting with negativity and insecurity swirling around me … manifested in a nasty head cold for the better part of the last two weeks and realizing I’m anything but alone with this process. Speaking and writing truthfully about everything is how the light gets in … through the ‘cracks’ … and cultivating compassion for ourselves helps us be tender & merciful with others. Thanks for the inspiration …
    Hugs and blessings,
    Virginia

    1. Virginia – dear friend. Thank you for these words. Something you said about taking this journey in the privacy and quiet of your journal really spoke to me. You offered (perhaps unknowingly) the gentle reminder that we don’t have to share all of what we feel with the world. We are never alone, tho, are we?

      I have truly realized the captivity of my own mind in all this. The bars that held me in the negativity were my own, self-imposed.

      Thank you for sharing yourself with me….for letting your light shine through my cracks. Much love to you, friend. xoxo

  4. Stripping down; like the bark being pulled off a tree. That is what I was thinking as I drove to work this morning meditating on my morning reading. I was gently reminded as that thought rolled around my brain that as kids we stripped the bark to get to the minty tasting green wood underneath.
    Never comfortable, always necessary.

  5. I posted my previous comment before I read your post (trying to be a ‘good blogger’ speaking of perfectionism) and it once again has blown me away.

    I struggle with authenticity and craft – but more often than not I let authenticity win. My goal in blogging is accountability and sustainable change – to connect with others who will help me learn who I am. In order to do that, I must show who I am.

    If you were to edit this it would lose its power – it is perfect in its authenticity. The perfection we are losing is fake; smoke and mirrors – the sitcom version of reality.

    How liberating it must be to drop the robe you have clutched around you and hear only applause 

    1. LOL…your honesty inspires me, so thank you for being so willing to let yourself be seen.

      LIBERATING. That word has come to mind often over the last two days – and rather than see the whole wrapped up concern over my perfection become the lead role, I began to see that in fact this whole process has been wildly LIBERATING!

      Thank you for the Versatile Blogger Award. I’m behind on my ‘blog reading’ – so I’ll head over to your site and get caught up.

      I look forward to continuing to share your journey. xo

  6. “Never explain; your friends don’t need it, and your enemies won’t believe you anyways.” ~Elbert Hubbard.

    My addendum to this quote is “And everyone is your friend” for all of those people who miss the point of the quote and say “So I’m an enemy?” with hurt feelings. 🙂

    On perfection, these might interest you:
    http://warriorpoetwisdom.com/2011/08/30/perfectos-vault/
    http://warriorpoetwisdom.com/2011/08/30/imperfectos-vault/

    The angst you’re feeling is simply you falling to the level of your training. You haven’t trained to focus on the moment, so you’re not focusing on the moment. Your mind is elsewhere. Clear your mind, take out the trash, and live in the moment. You are not your past, and you are not your future. You are right now. This moment. So this very moment, choose to be at peace.

    Peace & grace,
    ~Miro

    1. Miro – I can’t begin to tell you how reading this comment the other day began to really shift what I was feeling. ‘Falling to the level of your training.’ Something inside cried out – ‘nope, this is not the level of my training and this is not where I will stay.’ And the ‘sorry for me’ of trying to please began to dissolve. Thank you…thank you…..THANK YOU. xo

      1. That quote had a monumental effect on me. It’s given me such peace of mind whenever things don’t go not only as I’ve expected, but as others have expected of me. 🙂
        Wishing you successful training,
        ~Miro

  7. I thought of the quote..

    there are two ways to shine, be the candle or be the reflection from the mirror where the candle is.

    your write shows how we all reflect each other in a marvelous manner and I love your light…shine!

    (~_~)

  8. I love the rawness here. It still flows beautifully. It might not be pretty in its content but pretty is another box to unwrap because its less about truth ans more about expectations and norms that have been accepted as truths. Whilst you might not see of feel the beauty of your writing or life experience right now it remains light filled and in its own full power. The beauty lies in the genuine not in the decoration. False beauty is all around us. True beauty is breathtakingly simple and raw. It is also unique. I love you for the steps you are taking and the willingness to sit in the confusion of it all and still seek to remain transparent and open. Love you always. Xx

  9. Oh My Jackie – I am just about to sleep – I could Not of imagined all of this in now 5 days of The New Year – “Mirror Mirror ” I am fully stripped of everything – Living in my heart – and this heart has Edges – It’s not the shape of the hearts we draw as kids .I send you all the warmth and shine back that i can manage — yes it’s Unconditional Opening Time . And I writing from blue tinged fingers – I am writing from Reality – How very Cold . The Box doesn’t work anymore – You are so right . I am concerned about Your son and If You wanna mail me – you have my email – it’s on that gravatar thingy . or youtube or anywhere on this web of webs – But Most of all i am – I am concerned about You . But Not concerned in a bad way – I know You are SAFE still . I feel it . Just telling You – I am here Night and day – well maybe Dusk and Dawn Today ! Gosh – i am rambling . I love you . You Know It . What we are learning/ experiencing /feeling in these hours – It’s beyond my comprehension Really ….- And I feel we are all stripping it down to the place that inevitably will reveal itself as what this “Challenge” is all about .
    I send You Back Light – Maybe a little bit less twinkly today – But Light – Nonetheless.
    I love You Sweet Jackie .
    always always always xxx
    Cat

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

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