Expression. My soul craves it. And yet–the words have yet to cooperate. I KNOW I wish to write today. It’s been too long away. I desire too much to move into this channel of grace that is my heart speaking. And so my prayer is this: I’m open. Allow the truth to be shared through me. Servant of truth. Channel of grace. Amen.
I keep coming back around to the theme of my life in 2012: I AM. It began in 2011 as a proclamation TO myself of the Divine presence that is us All. I stood up, took accountability, willing to be seen, heard and recognized. So many steps outside my comfort zone–and it was exhilarating most of the time.
But this year has been different. The walls are falling down around me. There is significant change in how I see myself, what I experience from within – and the beliefs I’ve claimed as my own are crumbling. I know this process: refining. My soul understands it. My mind in all her brilliance and desire to protect me, tries to reason through it. And yet, there is nothing the mind can do to ease the process.
When you pray, you draw to you and invoke Grace. Grace is uncontaminated conscious light. It is divinity. Prayer brings grace and grace calms you. That is the cycle. Grace is the tranquilizer of the soul. With grace comes a knowing that what you are experiencing is necessary. It calms you with a sense of knowing.~Gary Zukav
The No Comfort Zone Challenge. I’ve said before I couldn’t have imagined what it would unlock within myself–and that continues to prove true. While I’m not participating within the guidelines of doing something each week, there is indeed a shift in my reality that is steadily present. It feels as though there is even too much to begin sharing, and I find myself again at a loss for words.
I know this to be true: My soul called out to the Divine, asking, begging for connection. My greatest desire is to heal, to be of service, to live and choose with integrity. I fully knew turning 40 was going to be a significant turning point in my life. As I’m watching my younger sister go through the process of her first pregnancy, my daughter maneuver through her first year of college, my parents buy a new home for the first time in over 25 years: there is a clear transition happening in each one of them. They are leaving behind one stage of life and moving through the tunnel into another. There is discomfort, exhilaration, joy, sadness, grief, excitement–nearly every scale of emotion. So much is changing in our lives–in my life. I’m letting go of layers of who I was, opening myself even more to who I AM. In REAL time.
Pieces are falling away. Growing pains. We so want to ‘get there’–and yet there are stages we must go through along the way. I’ve been one of the greatest promoters of a positive attitude. That began to change as I read Gary Zukav’s chapter on the optimist in his book ‘The Heart of the Soul.‘ At times our optimism–MY optimism–is a protective barrier from seeing truth, FEELING truth. It’s taken several months for that reality to sink in. And then I read in Joss Burnel’s ‘What I Know About Fibro’ about our inability to really connect to what another might be feeling when they are in pain. Nothing in that chapter jumped out at me, but a subtle realization began. The messages are coming through clearly: somehow, I’m disconnected from the truth of my feelings, and so from the truth of myself. The signs are everywhere–through the Grace of the Universe in assisting me to ‘get it.’ (Incidentally, neither I nor anyone in my family have Fibro. But I found Joss’s wisdom to be pure and filled with guidance on how to love ourselves, acknowledge not only our pain, but our bodies, our whole selves, and begin to heal in places we aren’t even aware require healing.)
And so–the No Comfort Zone has really become the story of my life this year. All the places I’ve sought comfort: being a good mom, taking care of others, eating delicious food, seeing a ‘good’ figure in the mirror–the list could go on–all of these are falling away. Until there’s only ME left. There is no comfort in those places. They aren’t reflecting back to me what they once did.
And so I turn to something greater: GRACE. ‘Prayer brings grace and grace calms you.’ This is the loving hand of the Universe. Grace. We aren’t on this journey for it to be easy. We are on this journey to understand and more and more choose to BE who we truly are. We are here to let go of our own pretense–whether it came with us into this life or became a necessary part of our survival along the way. Our ever increasing lesson is to recognize when we no longer NEED it…and through prayer and grace….to let it go. THAT is where the comfort begins. With grace–the tranquilizer of the soul.