Circle of Remembrance

Expression. My soul craves it. And yet–the words have yet to cooperate. I KNOW I wish to write today. It’s been too long away. I desire too much to move into this channel of grace that is my heart speaking. And so my prayer is this: I’m open. Allow the truth to be shared through me. Servant of truth. Channel of grace. Amen. 

I keep coming back around to the theme of my life in 2012: I AM. It began in 2011 as a proclamation TO myself of the Divine presence that is us All. I stood up, took accountability, willing to be seen, heard and recognized. So many steps outside my comfort zone–and it was exhilarating most of the time. 

But this year has been different. The walls are falling down around me. There is significant change in how I see myself, what I experience from within – and the beliefs I’ve claimed as my own are crumbling. I know this process: refining. My soul understands it. My mind in all her brilliance and desire to protect me, tries to reason through it. And yet, there is nothing the mind can do to ease the process. 

When you pray, you draw to you and invoke Grace. Grace is uncontaminated conscious light. It is divinity. Prayer brings grace and grace calms you. That is the cycle. Grace is the tranquilizer of the soul. With grace comes a knowing that what you are experiencing is necessary. It calms you with a sense of knowing.~Gary Zukav

The No Comfort Zone Challenge. I’ve said before I couldn’t have imagined what it would unlock within myself–and that continues to prove true. While I’m not participating within the guidelines of doing something each week, there is indeed a shift in my reality that is steadily present. It feels as though there is even too much to begin sharing, and I find myself again at a loss for words.

I know this to be true: My soul called out to the Divine, asking, begging for connection. My greatest desire is to heal, to be of service, to live and choose with integrity. I fully knew turning 40 was going to be a significant turning point in my life. As I’m watching my younger sister go through the process of her first pregnancy, my daughter maneuver through her first year of college, my parents buy a new home for the first time in over 25 years: there is a clear transition happening in each one of them. They are leaving behind one stage of life and moving through the tunnel into another. There is discomfort, exhilaration, joy, sadness, grief, excitement–nearly every scale of emotion. So much is changing in our lives–in my life. I’m letting go of layers of who I was, opening myself even more to who I AM. In REAL time. 

Pieces are falling away. Growing pains. We so want to ‘get there’–and yet there are stages we must go through along the way. I’ve been one of the greatest promoters of a positive attitude. That began to change as I read Gary Zukav’s chapter on the optimist in his book ‘The Heart of the Soul.‘ At times our optimism–MY optimism–is a protective barrier from seeing truth, FEELING truth. It’s taken several months for that reality to sink in. And then I read in Joss Burnel’s ‘What I Know About Fibro’ about our inability to really connect to what another might be feeling when they are in pain. Nothing in that chapter jumped out at me, but a subtle realization began. The messages are coming through clearly: somehow, I’m disconnected from the truth of my feelings, and so from the truth of myself. The signs are everywhere–through the Grace of the Universe in assisting me to ‘get it.’  (Incidentally, neither I nor anyone in my family have Fibro. But I found Joss’s wisdom to be pure and filled with guidance on how to love ourselves, acknowledge not only our pain, but our bodies, our whole selves, and begin to heal in places we aren’t even aware require healing.) 

And so–the No Comfort Zone has really become the story of my life this year. All the places I’ve sought comfort: being a good mom, taking care of others, eating delicious food, seeing a ‘good’ figure in the mirror–the list could go on–all of these are falling away. Until there’s only ME left. There is no comfort in those places. They aren’t reflecting back to me what they once did.

And so I turn to something greater: GRACE. ‘Prayer brings grace and grace calms you.’ This is the loving hand of the Universe. Grace. We aren’t on this journey for it to be easy. We are on this journey to understand and more and more choose to BE who we truly are. We are here to let go of our own pretense–whether it came with us into this life or became a necessary part of our survival along the way. Our ever increasing lesson is to recognize when we no longer NEED it…and through prayer and grace….to let it go. THAT is where the comfort begins. With grace–the tranquilizer of the soul. 

 

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20 thoughts on “Circle of Remembrance

  1. What a journey it has been & what an honor to witness the revelation of your Soul dear jackie! I wish you and your family many blessings as you move through all of these changes.

    Love,
    Jeanette

    1. It’s been a while since I’ve picked up your book again. But although it’s an easy read, it feels packed with wisdom, grace, healing.

      ‘Infusion.’ That was something the Renaissance artists–some of them–would use in their painting and Katherine McGowan used in her writing of the Magdalene series. The intent being to infuse into the work an underlying energy of the sacred, in a way that moves others beyond merely reading words, learning information, appreciating art. It’s meant instead to touch the soul, to stir something within. It feels very much as though your book does this. Thank you for sharing your story. We can never know how we will touch another.

      I highly recommend the Magdalene series, beginning with The Expected One.

  2. I JUST GOT A GUT FEELING ——-
    YOUR NEED FOR EXPRESSION —–
    I THOUGHT – JUST NOW !JACKIE – GO OUTSIDE WITH YOUR CAMERA !!!!!!!
    THAT COULD BRING NEW VIEW ON HOW YOU VIEW YOUR SOULS LONGING TO EXPRESS ITSELF .
    XO

    1. I LOVE THIS, CAT!

      SURELY YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE SPRING BEAUTY TO BLOOM….WANTING SO MUCH TO GET OUT AND CAPTURE HER UNFOLDING.

      I THINK I’LL DO THIS TOMORROW….FIND SOME TIME TO TAKE SOME PHOTOS OF THE BEAUTY THAT IS ALL AROUND.

      TREES ARE FLOWERING WITH WHITE, PINK, PURPLE. FORSYTHIA IN HER BRIGHT YELLOW GLORY. TIME TO CONNECT TO THE ESSENCE OF THE DIVINE FEMININE IN PHYSICAL FORM.

      MORE TO COME…THANK YOU. YOU SEE ME. I KNOW IT’S TRUE.

      LOVE YOU. XO

      1. I SO DO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
        I CAN IMAGINE YOU
        LIKE A GROWN UP LITTLE CHILD
        SO EXCITED TO TAKE PHOTOS THROUGH THE LENS OF NATURE ——- WITH NEW PERSPECTIVE
        XX
        HUGE HUGS XO
        AND ALWAYS HAVE FUN – RIGHT !!!!
        XX
        C

          1. YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I’M GOING TO POST SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PHOTOS I TOOK. CAT, IT WAS SO AWESOME….I LOVED THE HOUR OF JUST WALKING AROUND THE YARD AND THE PARK AREA OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD….IN SEARCH OF BEAUTY. XOXOXO

            AND THANK YOU FOR THE ‘HUG AWARD.’ LOVE YOU. XO

  3. UNRAVELLING MORE AND MORE
    WHAT A YEAR JACKIE ……
    IT’S MID MARCH
    3 MONTH OF 2012 …..
    READ YOUR OLDER POSTS ……
    UNCANNY AMOUNTS OF GROWTH AND SHOOTING UP LIKE A STAR THAT IS BORN JUST TO MAKE LIGHT FOR OTHERS HEARTS …
    LOVE YOU XX

    1. IT’S THE SAME IN OUR SOUL AS IT IS IN OUR BODIES WHEN WE GROW AS A CHILD–

      THE GROWTH SEEMS TO HAPPEN WHEN WE AREN’T LOOKING, IN PLACES WE DON’T SEE UNTIL IT’S ALREADY HAPPENED.

      MY WRITING HAS TAKEN DIFFERENT SHAPE THIS YEAR….NOT ON PURPOSE…BUT JUST BECAUSE IT HAS. ALLOWING THE FLOW TO DETERMINE THE COURSE…THAT’S WHAT IT IS.

      YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SMILE. YOUR WORDS FEEL LIKE HAVING A LOVING COMPANION TO ENCOURAGE, COMFORT, NURTURE AND SUPPORT ALL ALONG THE WAY.

      THANK YOU.
      LOVE YOU. XOXO

  4. the orld truely is …what you make it,
    stepping stones are always a part of the path as well as bridges, then there is the saying ( I thought of while reading this post) close your eye and imagine what it is yor trying to achieve… and makeit so!!!

    you’re an inspiration (!_!)

    1. Indeed it is, my friend Art….what we make it. Our perceptions create our reality. And as ‘good’ and comfortable as they may seem, many of them become outdated with time. Thanks for your loving support and presence. I’m honored. xo

    1. It seems there is an energy about it, doesn’t it? I’ve heard people say such things and generally dismiss it as their own journey. And yet, it seems so prevalent, this immense transition, release, shift into another layer of who we are…who we TRULY are. Thank YOU for sharing and at times, guiding the journey. My love. xoxo

  5. You have words to share that I can’t even begin to find. I’m lost inside…empty….but your words ring truth through me. At some point they will find their places inside me and help lift me back up. Thank you for sharing. I love you anam cara ❤

    1. One of the things I’m realizing most of late, my sweet anam cara is that I don’t have to see something ‘wrong’ when I am lost or disconnected. I still AM. We rise and fall, as do the waves along the shoreline. That is the rhythm of our lives, of our journeys, of our souls. Grace carries us through. She is ever present for you…for me…for all. I love you. xoxo

  6. Jackie, I am learning so much from you as you sally forth into the unknown, the known (and dismissed) and the unacknowledged regions of your world. The beauty is how your words take me along so I can breathe deeply with you on this journey.

    With warmth and appreciation — MKM

  7. I am reminded of the story of the branches and the vine as I read you post today. We are all being pruned by the Master Gardner so that we can experience more of Real Life. Thank you for sharing so beautifully from you heart.
    ~Paige

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