It’s happening again. I hear the screaming woman in my head which means something is about to break wide open. There’s a struggle within myself: heart or mind? Knowing or feeling? Truth or status? ‘Good’ or real?
I didn’t trust it for a moment
but I drank it anyway,
the wine of my own poetry.
It gave me the daring to take hold
of the darkness and tear it down
and cut it into little pieces.
And so 2012’s theme for my life persists. It was January 2 that I wrote Breaking Down the Box, followed by this comment back to a fellow blogger: ‘That’s where I’m heading in 2012…into the space where the mind becomes the observer and the deeper part of myself is the author.’ Little did I realize how prophetic that statement truly was. The dismantling of my ‘self’ has continued. What has felt safe and ‘good’ for so long no longer holds appeal. Unknown wounds appear out of nowhere. An emptiness endures which cannot be fed. The challenge is on–let go, surrender or satisfy the self with proving my point, being right, being ‘good.’ It’s ugly to even see in print.
The beauty, however, is that amidst the darkest night of our souls there is always light. While this year has brought tremendous angst, inner turmoil and struggle–it’s also been one of connecting so deeply and intimately with truth and sacred presence that those experiences almost seem to intensify the dark moments. To have merged with the Divine in oneself so deeply in a very pure and real way is a gift. One that we expect and hope will last or reoccur upon awaking each day. I daresay there is a depression that sets in when we cannot repeat the connection. It’s a rare thing to glimpse the face of God, to be in the presence of such radiant sacredness. It’s where the soul longs to be in every moment of every day. And yet….we ARE human, too.
So comes the balance, the harmony of allowing oneself to be fully present in THIS world. It feels very much like a death, this unraveling combined with a perceived absence of the Divine. I *know intellectually what appears to be taking place. Yet there is no way to make the heart step over what lies in her path. The only way ‘out’ is through. The only answer I know is to be IN it–to let the truth of it be my voice. And believe me, my friends–it’s very uncomfortable. Being so transparent, sharing such deep intimate feelings is a vulnerable place to be. Still, I feel to be in good company. For I’ve talked with, read and watched many of you go through your own unraveling in the midst of a dark night.
Vulnerability and openness connect us. We see ourselves in the face of another. It raises our ability to serve as compassionate human beings, to be honest with ourselves and each other. And to drop the facade that ‘everything is ok.’ Because even though I trust fully in the Divine purpose and order of our lives, there are times as a spirit living in a human body that everything is absolutely NOT ok. That’s my truth dear ones: everything is not ok. But somewhere beneath the layers of ego, fear and pain is the truth that I am Divine and I am always fully held in the arms of the Divine. It’s just going to take some time to release the barriers to FEELING that truth.
~ * ~
I came across these related posts while searching for a photo and wanted to share with you.
Dark Night of the Soul by Jacque Keil
The Dark Night of the Soul by Chris Duel