Feeling Through the Layers

It’s happening again. I hear the screaming woman in my head which means something is about to break wide open. There’s a struggle within myself: heart or mind? Knowing or feeling? Truth or status? ‘Good’ or real? 

I didn’t trust it for a moment
but I drank it anyway,
the wine of my own poetry.

It gave me the daring to take hold
of the darkness and tear it down
and cut it into little pieces.

~Lalla

And so 2012’s theme for my life persists. It was January 2 that I wrote Breaking Down the Box, followed by this comment back to a fellow blogger: ‘That’s where I’m heading in 2012…into the space where the mind becomes the observer and the deeper part of myself is the author.’ Little did I realize how prophetic that statement truly was. The dismantling of my ‘self’ has continued. What has felt safe and ‘good’ for so long no longer holds appeal. Unknown wounds appear out of nowhere. An emptiness endures which cannot be fed. The challenge is on–let go, surrender or satisfy the self with proving my point, being right, being ‘good.’ It’s ugly to even see in print. 

‘Dark Night’ by Fosforix

The beauty, however, is that amidst the darkest night of our souls there is always light. While this year has brought tremendous angst, inner turmoil and struggle–it’s also been one of connecting so deeply and intimately with truth and sacred presence that those experiences almost seem to intensify the dark moments. To have merged with the Divine in oneself so deeply in a very pure and real way is a gift. One that we expect and hope will last or reoccur upon awaking each day. I daresay there is a depression that sets in when we cannot repeat the connection. It’s a rare thing to glimpse the face of God, to be in the presence of such radiant sacredness. It’s where the soul longs to be in every moment of every day. And yet….we ARE human, too.

So comes the balance, the harmony of allowing oneself to be fully present in THIS world. It feels very much like a death, this unraveling combined with a perceived absence of the Divine. I *know intellectually what appears to be taking place. Yet there is no way to make the heart step over what lies in her path. The only way ‘out’ is through. The only answer I know is to be IN it–to let the truth of it be my voice. And believe me, my friends–it’s very uncomfortable. Being so transparent, sharing such deep intimate feelings is a vulnerable place to be. Still, I feel to be in good company. For I’ve talked with, read and watched many of you go through your own unraveling in the midst of a dark night.

Vulnerability and openness connect us. We see ourselves in the face of another. It raises our ability to serve as compassionate human beings, to be honest with ourselves and each other. And to drop the facade that ‘everything is ok.’ Because even though I trust fully in the Divine purpose and order of our lives, there are times as a spirit living in a human body that everything is absolutely NOT ok. That’s my truth dear ones: everything is not ok. But somewhere beneath the layers of ego, fear and pain is the truth that I am Divine and I am always fully held in the arms of the Divine. It’s just going to take some time to release the barriers to FEELING that truth. 

~ * ~

I came across these related posts while searching for a photo and wanted to share with you.  

Dark Night of the Soul by Jacque Keil

The Dark Night of the Soul by Chris Duel

Advertisements

Published by

Jacqueline

Inspiring fiery passion through soul connection. Lover, Seducer, Awakener, Firestarter, Visionary. #kissingthesacred

8 thoughts on “Feeling Through the Layers”

  1. Jackie, this is beautiful….i really get the part about the unknown wounds appearing out of nowhere….yes, they are there and i find my best course of action is to sit with them and learn to love and accept them….you write so beautifully! thanks for this!

  2. I LOVE YOU JACKIE
    THANKS FOR BEING WITH ME LAST NIGHT .
    THERE ARE NO MILES BETWEEN THOSE MILES .
    I GAVE MYSELF A GOOD KICK IN THE %^& THIS MORNING
    AND REALIZED I HAD FACED THIS PLACE BEFORE .
    I REMEMBERED IT BEING A LITTLE BREAKTHROUGH FOR ME
    I JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT ——
    SOMETIMES I FORGET THE BIGGEST OF LESSONS
    LEARNED –
    JUST GET CARRIED AWAY BY STUFF THE DAILY HEAVINESS
    BUT I REMEMBERED WHAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT …………
    IT WAS THIS POST I HAD TO READ TO STRAIGHTEN ME BACK UPWARDS ,,,,,,,,
    http://catforsley.me/2011/11/24/between-courage-and-vulnerability-there-is-a-place-called-peace-by-cat-forsley/
    I DON’T HAVE TO BE COURAGEOUS NOR VULNERABLE AND I WAS SLIPPING
    BETWEEN THOSE TWO PLACES – IT’S JUST LOVE .//// AND ME . AND THAT’S ENOUGH
    AND YESTERDAY WAS A SEERING DAY OF HEAVINESS OF LIFE
    I AM WITH MY SISTER AND HER CHILD AT SICK KIDS TODAY . FOR HER .LITTLE LILY ……
    AND REMEMBERED WHAT IS TRULY TRULY IMPORTANT .
    BE LOVE
    BE LIGHTNESS IN TIMES OF DARKNESS
    JUST BE ,….
    I HAD ALREADY LEARNED THIS LESSON – I DON’T KNOW WHY IT ALWAYS COMES BACK .
    I GUESS WELL NOW I KNOW THERE IS SO MUCH MORE INNER WORK TO DO
    AND IT’S NOT ABOUT WRITING TONS OF MUSIC OR WORDS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT
    IT’S JUST SAYING – CARRY ON ————
    NO MATTER WHAT XX
    LOVE TO YOU AND LAUREN – HOPE SHE IS DOING MUCH BETTER …………
    THANKS FOR BEING WITH ME – MILES AWAY YET SO CLOSE ………….
    LOVE YOU XOXOXO
    C

  3. Jackie, your words are so powerful and your emotions are siting on live wires for the whole world to see! It is so easy to jump in and offer solutions to take away the pain. Instead I listen, hear and invite more…

  4. You have echoed here what I am intensely feeling today. This journey of consciousness is not for the faint of heart. The Divine is conspiring with us to give us that which we long for. All is well, all will be well. Breathe, release, breathe, release. Although I sometimes feel as though I am moving “one step forward, three steps back”, I know that movement can only be forward and that this is not about achieving, it is about releasing all that binds me.
    walk in beauty, dear one, walk in beauty.

  5. MY HEART WHISPERS THAT WHATEVER IS POPPING UP IS ALL OK ………….
    IT’S ALL OKAY RIGHT NOW – JUST THE WAY IT IS …..
    I KNOW THAT DARK NIGHT ———–
    I FEEL I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL …

    JUST KEEP GOING WITH IT …..,.
    WHATEVER IT IS

    NO BOXES
    NO LABELS
    NOTHING LIKE THAT

    FREEDOM TO EXPLORE YOUR OWN SOUL+ HEART JACKIE …….
    REMEMBER – YOU ARE SO LOVED …..
    WHO WROTE YOU THAT 🙂
    YOU KNOW XO
    IT’S THE DIVINE VOICE WITHIN EACH OF US
    HOLDING ONTO ONE ANOTHER
    BECAUSE AS HUMAN BEINGS – WE KNOW HOW IT IS …..

    BUT – BECAUSE THE HEART KNOWS MORE THAN THE BRAIN …I FEEL 🙂 XX

    JUST GO WITH IT …..
    SEE WHERE IT TAKES YOU
    AND REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU NEED IN LIFE IS RIGHT INSIDE OF YOUR HEART .
    IT’S JUST WAITING 🙂
    XXX
    LOVE YOU MUCHLY MUCHLY MUCHLY
    PLS SAY HI TO “NETWORKS OF GRACE ” FOR ME 🙂
    ALL OF THEM …..

    …….. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL THE FAITH IN MY HEART XO
    CAT

  6. Your glorious LIght continues to shine in the Darkness….My dear friend.

    My dear friend
    never lose hope
    when the Beloved
    sends you away.

    If you’re abandoned
    if you’re left hopeless
    tomorrow for sure
    you’ll be called again.

    If the door is shut
    right in your face
    keep waiting with patience
    don’t leave right away.

    Seeing your patience
    your love will soon
    summon you with grace
    raise you like a champion.
    ~Rumi

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s