Rarely do I actually ‘get sick,’ but this last week was a clear exception. I seemed to have caught the virus going around and felt poorly for several days, even spending the entirety of Saturday on the couch. As you know by now, I believe everything has purpose, including illness. Sometimes just to give us space to rest or focus on taking care of ourselves. We–especially women–aren’t always so good at turning our loving and nurturing inward, and yet we would drop everything to be sure we were present for a loved one. Certainly that is part of what was occurring with my illness. There’s been a lot–and I mean a LOT–of tense activity with our three teenage children recently. Accidents & traffic tickets are beginning to pile up. As parents, we’ve been pretty open with them growing up, and now it all shifts to having to deal with something beyond mom and dad–the lessons are endless. So certainly stress and an outpouring of energy and resources to others has played a factor.
But even with that realization, I was unprepared for what I was going to feel on Sunday when I woke up feeling great! It was literally as though I had entered into this bubble of time and space, only to come out renewed and feeling so alive. Never before have I encountered an illness in quite this way. This felt very much like a death and rebirth. Some of my instinctual ‘fix-it-ness’ died while I was in that cocoon of self awareness. I surrendered–without even realizing it actually–some of my drive to take care of everyone else, to make it ok, to be sure they all have what they need. Instead, the lesson my son’s spirit has taught me in this last year–that of trusting the Universe/God is holding us all and can take care of what is needed–expanded into more of my heartspace.
I’ve understood illness can be an impetus to connecting to the Divine, to healing and releasing what no longer serves us. And yet, this was so much more than those words convey. It was so very much like emerging from the tomb, awake and aware of Life once again. There is a deep appreciation of who I am, what my life is. When I look at my husband and children I feel so much love. Being in our home fills me with gratitude and yes, even a desire to honor it by keeping it picked up and cleaned. I feel like I want to eat better. Some people have an intense life changing experience that is filled with the sound of angels singing. This was much more subtle while in process, but feels exhilarating on this side.
Everything–everything in this life is a gift to us, even when it doesn’t feel to be so. Grace comes disguised into our lives at times, and we can only recognize her when we stop to look back at the paths of our journey. Yet, if we are open to seeing her, we find She was there all the time. Reminds me of Footprints….there was only one set ‘because I was carrying you.’ Even when we didn’t know it. xo