I’m working on the choice to love. It sounds so cliche’ doesn’t it? The ‘l’ word is thrown around all too easily in our ‘evolving consciousness’ culture. But it’s true, my friends, I am. Sometimes it’s a real challenge, too. And I’m not taking this commitment on lightly.
Recently, in the midst of some angst around and within myself, I’ve had an AHA! moment that comes repeatedly, but not the kind of AHA! I’m used to. There’s no light bulb going off that awakens me to some deeper realization. And yet – the depth and reality are there. It’s as though I’ve suddenly woken up to find myself in some alternate reality where what was once true within my psyche no longer is.
What is occurring is that my ‘survivor self’ is taking less and less control of my responses and natural reactions to situations. The AHA! comes when a voice inside recognizes that surprisingly – I’m not feeling jealous, frustrated, angry, resentful over experiences that at one time would have certainly ruffled my feathers. It’s almost like I’m shocked to check in and not find the old emotions there, lingering, waiting to be felt. And a couple of times I really did go on a search for them, checking every room, every crevice, every cell of my being–‘are you sure? Really? There’s no electric charge to get us fired up over this? How can that be?’ Each time the reconnaissance team comes back empty handed.
Our survival team, through years of professional experience, has learned how to rescue us from something unpleasant. Sort of like that ‘fight or flight’ response, only different. This team’s job is to seek out any alternate route to FEELING out of sorts, even if that means defensive posture and feeling angry, resentful, etc. But the key, my dear friends, to releasing those emotions is moving THROUGH them. We cannot sidestep what is true, or what we are believing as truth, while in the heat of it. The survival team has such skill, that we don’t even recognize what they’re up to until we’re deep in the heat of defending ourselves, or sometimes not at all.
I choose to meet this team head on, to assist in creating a new strategy for the work they are here to do. ‘Please alert me when the temperature’s rising in there. Let me know when you are feeling you need to arm yourselves and prepare for battle–be it loud and boisterous or silent, but deadly.’ Most of all, I’m asking them to step aside sometimes and allow my heart to respond instead.
The results are miraculous. It’s been an absolute delight to take a quick scan and find ‘nope, nothing here. We’re all ok!’ How strange is it that I’m shocked to, at times, find things at rest within my being! By no means am I saying I’ve arrived, it’s complete. There’s still work to do. Choosing to love instead of survive means releasing the need to understand; letting go of the need to hold someone accountable, to point fingers, to divert the energy elsewhere. It doesn’t mean I take it all on as my own, nor that I ignore everything and am immune to being present and feeling emotion. What it means, my dear friends, is that I have chosen to step out of the fear of the what if, howcome, who, when questions, to put aside my desire for answers, for responsibility to lie SOMEwhere–and to instead tune into my own truth.
Amazingly, it’s not as though this has been a hard and arduous step of my journey. What it is is a breaking down of old patterns. Opening to a new paradigm and way of reading my inner truth and the world around me. My survival team has an important job–alert me when the troops are moving toward the weapons room. Far too many of these battles haven’t needed to be fought. I think often of Gandhi and his peaceful means of achieving change. The survival team can assist me in that intention. We can work together rather than me being enslaved to their whims.
And I must tell you, my sweet friends, the shift is a refreshing change of pace! I’m absolutely in awe as a neutral witness to myself. I choose love. And with that I release the need to know why, to secure accountability and retribution. I choose love. She has plenty of beautiful, Divine power to effect the changes I desire from within. ~ xo