What IS ‘me?’

Every time I come back here to write, I tell myself the words will all sound the same. And yet, there seems to be an unending cycle at work in my life: seeing that which is no longer ‘me’ and letting it go. It begs the question: What IS me??

I had an interesting experience today–wholly with myself. I’m taking part in an upcoming project of  ‘adopting’ LGBTQ children who are feeling unaccepted and unloved this holiday season. Our daughter is part of this community, and fortunately well loved and received within our family and her community. Many are not so blessed. Upon hearing about the project, I knew instantly I wanted to take part and so have been working on my written and spoken words. Writing has not been a challenge for me–it comes easily. There is a rhythmic flow to the words, they carry their own vibrations of love and grace. But when it came time to read out loud the words I’d written–it didn’t feel so comfortable. For one, the rhythmic flow of my writing seems painfully absent when I’m speaking. All the self-conscious triggers flow in. I was relieved to feel much more at ease reading out loud today than I did the first time I had to speak over a microphone via the web. 

What I found troubling, though, is that my beautifully written heartfelt words felt empty as I voiced them. The magic was gone. I wasn’t flustered or upset, but the Observer within took notice. What resulted was a repeated edit and re-read of my letter, taking out what felt empty–surprisingly some of the sentences that talked about love most prominently. I’ve always been able to write about the deepest feelings of love in my heart, they’re REAL. But when I try to speak them, they fall out misshapen and without emotion behind them. FEAR perhaps? ‘Fluffy’ expression? I’m not certain yet. Thus far, I’m only the Observer in this game of seeing ME.

So I wonder, if you all feel this way at times too. Sometimes I’m frustrated that I don’t just GET there–living fully authentic, feeling at ease in my skin, able to be ME. Ugh. I can feel the angst within myself. And I also know that holding on to that angst and all the feelings that go with it only gives it power to grow. So I’m looking at it. We’re standing here together, my discomfort and me. What I realize now, at this point in writing this post–is that BOTH are part of me. Seeing my discomfort, recognizing and acknowledging the angst rather than railing against it–these bring it into the light. Otherwise it remains tucked away in my shadowy places. 

This is my desire: to allow my voice to speak my truth. Not in a playground bully sort of way. I want to speak my truth with confidence, from a place of authentic expression, infused with benevolent grace and honoring myself and the Life Force present in us all. THAT’s what I want. 

 

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Published by

Jacqueline

Inspiring fiery passion through soul connection. Lover, Seducer, Awakener, Firestarter, Visionary. #kissingthesacred

15 thoughts on “What IS ‘me?’”

  1. Sorry Jackie, I couldn’t see the words I was typing. By tape recording my speeches I was able to finally change how the audience would hear my words spoken that I had spent so much time carefully planning out. Thus in the end I was able to gain my confidence back – not 100% , but enough that I was able to connect with the audience in a very different way. Yo uhave a great post here – one thing, my nerves never left me.

  2. I understand and recognized what I went through time and again when speaking in front of audiences whether large or small. Someone suggested once an exercise that I found so helpful that it became a part of a routine for me before giving speaches. And that was to take record my speach so I could hear the words and gage how the words sounded when read out loud.

    1. It’s a great practice, Mary. I wouldn’t have realized it until doing this project. I could also feel it deep within my heart – what ‘felt’ true and what didn’t. I think that surprised me most, but gave me the space to edit and get more and more authentic in what I’m sharing. Thanks for the tip and sharing your own experience. xoxo

    1. Oh yes, my friend. A much wiser teacher. And that is the language, isn’t it? ‘The angst in my gut, is welcome here.’ I hear the angelic voice saying it now. How fortunate we are to share this journey. I’m glad to have you in my corner. xoxoxo

        1. LOL…although admittedly it doesn’t always feel as lovely as that sounds. I’ve been amazed actually, Joss, at how much self-doubt has arisen over the last few weeks. It’s as though suddenly the lights of truth, empowerment and that inner knowing flash off. Although, as I type this, I know what’s true is that the divine connection is always there, just somehow the energy configures in a way that shields me from it. Always more work to do, isn’t there? xo

        2. And then I read this in Lucia’s newsletter of today: Find someone to teach you processing, someone who models self-love, and someone who models courage. Sit with them repeatedly in order to allow your awareness field to map to theirs. These role models are not better than you. They’ve just figured out something that you haven’t. We learn through exposure. We learn through repetition. You need to make your emotional processing technique, self-love, and courage a habit.

          COURAGE. Just saying it makes me feel the mystical strength gather within. Isn’t that something? How blessed we are not only to have such a teacher, but to be sharing in her classroom together.

          Always what we need is within our reach. Thanks for letting me talk this all ‘out loud.’ That’s part of the transition, isn’t it? Saying things out loud that I wouldn’t have dared let be seen previously. xo

  3. When this has happened to me, I am not only observing myself speak, but I am also observing the reaction to my speaking. That automatically shuts down my emotions and my being fully present with my words. So, apparently I am not fully myself until/unless I feel “safe.” Yeah, not the way I want to be either. 😦

    1. Feels like ‘uck’ doesn’t it? And yet, we have to SEE it to allow it to change from the inside out. It’s frustrating for me sometimes to not just be able to ‘make it so.’ We live in a world where we are rarely powerless to make something happen, but when it comes to matter of the heart and soul, the power lies in surrender. And so I am. Thanks for sharing your truth with me, too. We’re all in this together, I trust. xoxo

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

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