The Words

Lots on my heart and little I can share openly about it. I don’t know what to say – how does one find words for events that feel overwhelmingly without hope of ‘positive’ outcome? Oh yes, I could say a lot about our perceptions and the illusions of what is positive and that all is working in our best interest. But not today. Part of me can’t find a care about that today. This is far from my usual approach to life, but I just can’t shake it. Today everything in my being questions all that I have practiced, tuned into and believed as true for the last 8 years. I’ve never been the one to ask why something happened to me, to my family. Today I’m asking. I’m angry that it’s happening. I’m angry at the idea that it might be ‘just what we all need.’ How on earth can that be true? (My spiritual self steps in here to note – it doesn’t have to be true on earth. I’d like to squash that voice today.)

I’m not talking about my feelings out loud in order to have a ranting session. I think we must all come to this place in our lives, we must each have experiences where we just want to scream out at God for bringing us to this place. Listening to Caroline Myss and other teachers all these years talk about ‘those people’ (my emphasis with the quotes, not hers) who ask ‘why this happened to me’–I never got that. I can’t recall another time when I’ve felt quite like this. Having the level of consciousness to believe in the purity of Divine presence and each of us having our own path mingled with the level of devastation I feel today is unnerving. And I can’t seem to shake it.

This blog has been a place for me to express. I’ve shared the most positive of experiences and realizations and a few of the not-so-pretty ones. This is perhaps the ugliest and most uncomfortable thus far. Angry. I’m fuming deep inside myself. The heartbreak remains. I’m becoming more and more understanding of people who feel this way, when previously I just couldn’t grasp why one couldn’t move out of this space. Even while I want to lash out at all the Divine truth that lives within my being, I’m acutely aware of its inner workings as I write about my anger. Already the gift is unfolding–because I have a different perspective of the devastating impact people sometimes feel on their psyche and well being with the events of earth school.

I’m asking how this can possibly be for our benefit. I’m desperately searching for something to hold onto, to get me through just one day at a time. And as much as there is anger churning and popping up when I least expect it, the deeper truths continue to whisper into my heart. All is well. If I can just keep coming back to that…

I received a beautiful message from my dear friend Joss Burnel in the form of her recent post Be Still and Know. She shares a meditation she recorded that I’ve listened to several times over the last day, feeling a comfort and connection each time. It truly is the little things. I have no words of wisdom or guidance to share with you, just my own feelings and thoughts. I’m certain there are others of you who understand this place of being all too well. I now have a deeper sense of awareness for how you feel and what happens when one is in this space. I don’t know what else to do except just be in this moment and all that comes with it. ‘This too shall pass.’ xo

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18 thoughts on “The Words

  1. I hadn’t seen you in a while so went looking and this is what I found. I hope that today finds you more optimistic than the day it was written.
    I believe it important to hold fast to things unseen, anchor ourselves in His Love always. We know that trials and troubles will come, it is how we handle these trials that reveals our beliefs. Hold on Jackie–His love is ever present.

    1. Ah, thank you dear friend. I was just thinking this morning it’s time to write an update. Thursday was a very difficult day, and what you say is so true. It’s not whether or not we struggle, but how we allow ourselves to move through the experience. Have had exceptional support from those in my sacred circles and family as well, and I’m feeling much more balanced and grounded in it all. Surely there will be ups and downs, but I’m a firm believer that we can still find a space of peace within, even amidst the most tumultuous of storms. Allowing the ugly feelings to be expressed is so important – and this is my place to really speak truth – whatever it may be. Thank you for your kindness, for being here. Much love to you, my friend. xoxo

  2. My heart says LOUDLY – sorry i missed this post when you first published it – can You poke me on fb or something –
    Holding on is really letting go J xxx Cerulean blue ……….
    xxx
    I love you xo

    1. It’s ok luv. Thursday felt like an unusually difficult day. This recent challenge in our lives is going to stretch us to really connect to trusting and not letting fear take hold. I’m just allowing the emotions as they came, and it actually felt good to sit down and write here again. Even if you didn’t read it THAT day, I always feel your love with me and there’s never a question about that in my heart. It is really letting go…..you’re so very right. Doing that in new ways this year.

      Thank you for loving me. And I love you too Canada….xoxo

      1. Listen …………………. No fear ……. Just Trust ….. Just create πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ :)”in new ways ” ….i agree – last year was completely different – and letting go means something new everyday πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ xo love you ……………………………………………………………. T R U S T xx

          1. Trust is already inside your heart my sweet ———————— πŸ™‚ Actualizing trust πŸ™‚ ……………………..write me soon πŸ™‚ let me know how everything is πŸ™‚ xo

  3. My Heart Whispers ” I Love You Jackie”. This has been a week of darkness and vileness and fear..a week of such unknowing for what I am coming to understand many of us!
    Know that I am holding space for you , and walking my own darkness as you walk yours…the questions do rise and we do need to feel it all…just today I realized that I have to go through what it is I am going through because it is necessary for me to know it as my own experience in order to help others…I believe the same if happening for you.

      1. Your message is a reminder there is more going on in our world than just what I’m experiencing in my little corner. And I don’t mean that to be a negative statement, but a very positive connection to the spark we all carry, to the energy of being on this planet that joins us to one another. We stand together, my dear friend, with one another. I feel your love and support, and offer mine to you. One day, one step, one moment at a time. Thank you. I love you. xo

  4. The question above this box asks what does YOUR heart whisper? My heart whispers many things to you. Jackie, allow. Be. Feel. Honour. These feelings will not last. There is one truth that is love and that you ARE. You will find your way once more. The heart will whisper good, kind things and when you can’t mine will ❀ All is well, all is well. Be well ❀ I love you.

  5. Sue Doherty

    Hi Jackie..I just listened to the recording you’d suggested, it was beautiful…brought peace for a moment, to calm the heart and soul. I pray whatever that is troubling your spirit, one like you say, is always filled with gladness, allows you to find peace in your heart, as you have in so many times brought joy to others. My Mom passed away 7 years ago this May, there’s one thing I always used to hear her say “let not your heart be troubled”. While reading Your Hearts Whispers at this moment, I could hear that thought in my mind, and I had to share it with you. There are many times, that I’ve enjoyed your messages, and I’ve never let you know, how much I enjoy them, you are such a gifted writer, that whispers to mine, as well as many hearts. I just wanted you to know, you’ve whispered to mine, and may whatever is troubling your heart, will be blessed. ..May God Bless you…xox

    ________________________________

    1. Sue Doherty….’let not your heart be troubled’….moves me to tears. Feeling the depth of that message. Thank you. This is why it’s so necessary to have soul companions on our journeys–we need that infusion of support, comfort, strength to, from and for each other. I so appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and your heart yesterday. Thank you….you warmed my heart. xo

  6. In similar times, I, too, have meditated repeatedly to calm the storm. And I also listen to Peter Sterling’s harp music. It is wonderfully healing and can raise your vibration. A portion of one of my favorites plays in the background on his website:
    http://www.harpmagic.com/
    I found this playlist with some of his older music on YouTube:

    I hope you find peace. Sending some extra love and a hug your way…

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

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