In my quest for authenticity, I thought it was time to let my hair grow ‘natural’ – as in ‘gray.’ It’s about 50/50 dark/gray under the gorgeous, rich brown color I have loved for so long. In my 30’s I did ‘the blonde thing’ for a few years. At the time, it felt a little wild and I liked that. But luxurious brunette is truly who I am and what most makes me feel beautiful.
Little did I know the journey I was about to embark upon by choosing to ‘let the gray grow.’ The whisper of it was exhilarating – riding on the back of the motorcycle with my love, feeling the breeze, fully connecting to the Presence of All That Is. It was as though we were sitting in conversation, SHE and I. As I contemplated a haircut and the sparkle making its way through my roots, I heard HER: ‘Why do you cover up who you are with that ‘muck’ on your head? You are already beautiful. You will simply be MORE beautiful with your gray hair.’ My whole self smiled with the sensation SHE sent my way as I felt HER words ripple through my bodies; it was the sensation of BEAUTIFUL. And so I decided to let the gray come….to stop coloring and ‘covering up’ who I am….and I was excited about it.
Until. The hairdresser suggested that in order to get rid of the dark color, we highlight blonde to begin lightening my hair in order to match the gray tones growing in. I was definitely not thrilled over this, but felt committed to the process. Oh my friends, let me tell you how dark that experience became. I was horrified in seeing my reflection. For three weeks, I tried to fall in love with the woman I saw in the mirror – and have loved for so long. I have known her from the inside and come to love who I am. But as vain as it may sound, I could not feel that love for my own outer beauty with this foreign, frizzy, blonde, ugly hair. Waves of emotion poured through me, as though I became women from lifetimes before who were forced to have their heads shaved and their beauty stripped from them. As the tears flowed, I went deeper and deeper into how much our own natural beauty as a woman DOES matter. It’s part of our feminine essence. We each attach to it in unique ways, we express who we are through the way we dress, wear our hair, put on makeup or not, paint our lashes, adorn our curves and color our lips.
What I realized, my loves, is that I have been this woman who loves beauty all along, only when I witnessed this passion in other women judged rather than embraced them for it. I convinced myself this is not who I am. That I choose to let my natural way of aging, of changing, of becoming to reveal and blossom. Thus – the gray hair. I understood how my own judgment played into the ancient patriarchal wounding of women…..of myself. My outer beauty matters to me, just as much as my inner beauty does. One is not better or more sacred than the other. Without going through this process, I wouldn’t have understood that in quite the way I do now.
What I believe SHE was whispering to me was to let go of believing I have to be ONE WAY in order to be authentic. Rather than trying to be something I am not – in love with gray hair that feels dull to my lively personality and passion – HER desire is for me to find what feels beautiful TO ME, AS ME, FOR ME – and to honor it. I’m thrilled to share that yesterday we ‘washed that blonde right out of my hair’ and the natural born beauty of a brunette that I AM is breathing with life once more. I feel amazing – not only because I am beautiful to my own eye, but because through this experience I released so much for myself and for women everywhere. It’s okay to want to be beautiful on the outside too. Somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that – who we are as beautiful women. Whether we go naturally gray or love the vivacious colors we can play with, wear makeup or feel fresh without it. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we allow our own voice to express in whatever way she wishes. That we are true to HER call for us.
Your personal invitation to AWAKENING WOMAN.