For many years, jealousy and I were best friends. My older sister is radiantly beautiful, as is my younger sister. (As am I, but we’ll come back to that later.) I was painfully jealous of my older sister Lisa, of her ability to socialize with such finesse, of how much all the guys always wanted her, of her quick witted strength and ability to respond without hesitation, of her confidence in who she is. The energy had such a hold on me, I continually tried to ‘get over it’ and even wrote my high school graduation speech on contentment, centering on this childhood jealousy and desperately hoping something would change after this. It did – but only for a short while. Because in reality – we cannot FORCE our way through emotions that run deep in our cells. We must FEEL them fully, sink deep into the space of marinating in the energy so that the drops of love, of wisdom, of truth can find their way to our lips.
Following up on The Beautiful Truth About the Green Eyed Monster, I see even more clearly today into the layers of our envious nature. Because this has been so present for me, I have NEEDED to understand envy at its depths, to transform how it plays into my heart, my soul and to turn off its power over my thoughts. As I began to feel into ENVY today, this is what I felt/experienced:
When we are feeling envious of another, we become empty inside. Not the kind of empty that awaits the Beloved filling us with Love, but the kind of empty that depletes our authentic power. We are in essence, trampling who we ARE. Because envy is derived from placing our eyes, our heart on another person, on their gifts, their beauty, wisdom, grace, wealth, love, health – you name it. We are no longer able to SEE ourselves because all we see is THEM. We effectively tell ourselves we are small, others are big and what we feel, carry, witness, know as our truth no longer holds our gaze.
Now, in a moment of fiery envy, of feeling so empty, small, ‘nothing’ – take a moment and breathe. Turn your gaze back to the beauty staring back at you from the mirror. Breathe HER in. See HER. Close your eyes and feel for your inner power. Let your passion begin whispering to you, touching you, arousing you. Let your interior grace pour itself over you, heating every inch of flesh. FEEL WHO YOU ARE.
This, my loves, this is the beckoning that lies beneath your envy. As long as my eyes were on my sister, Lisa would always be a beautiful Goddess and I would be dark and invisible. She remains a beautiful Goddess, as does my younger sister Lydia. In present time, I not only know, but can FEEL the GODDESS I AM. And what matters most to me, what fills me up so completely is allowing myself to own that truth rather than passing it off to someone else to hold for me. I AM A BEAUTIFUL GODDESS, filled with a richness, with a fiery passion that ignites even the blackest of nights. I know who I am. And that is the breath envy needed to be released.