Falling into Emptiness

Emptiness. Just the word alone has a ring of auspiciousness to it, does it not? Something inside us panics when we feel the vibrations of this word, and yet we all know what it feels like to move into a space of emptiness. Of not feeling attached to, connected to any one particular thing.

I find myself in this space of being. There are moments my mind tries to wrangle it into submission, wanting to be busy with something. Trying to think of ways to spend my time. In the life my husband and I have created together, I am left with a lot of free time at this stage in my life. Our youngest daughter will leave for college in just a few weeks, although we found our children home less frequently once they began to drive, so not having them in the house isn’t new. At least not entirely. What does feel new is being at this place where there isn’t going to be any need for mothering, and if I’m honest, I feel that part of my life has run its course. I’ll still be a mother and love and nurture these beautiful beings that came to be ‘ours’ in this life, but not on a daily basis. Neither they nor I want that any longer. In our own ways, we all desire to be free to choose the next steps of our lives.

I’ve also let go of my business as it no longer felt fueled by passion. If there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that passion must be present in whatever I commit to–and I’m still in the process of understanding just how that feels. When I sink into the emptiness, the vast spans of time that are now left uncluttered by doing – I find feelings of not being ‘anything.’ We all know these feelings – they come with needing to accomplish, to label, to prove, to DO something. Only – there’s nothing at this time in my life that is clearly calling to be done. What has called is a clearing of what no longer resonates.

emptiness

It’s not a space we feel comfortable in – the emptiness. The lack of scheduling, of accomplishing, of being needed, of having our time encroached upon – thus proving our importance. And yet, even alongside the insecurities that arise in this dark space of nothingness, I find it’s just what I desire. I want more depth, more real, more passion and meaning. I want to know that when I give my time and energy it’s because it uplifts my soul, it stirs my juices and brings into being more of the beauty I am here to be. We all know the language by now, words like authentic, spiritual, healing, awakening. And while these words and energies have served us well, there’s no longer a pulsing frequency in them for me. There’s a new language waiting to be discovered. There’s something that wishes to be birthed, only it’s not yet come into matter. There is no form, only an understanding of its promise and presence. There are remembrances in my being that haven’t quite yet become identifiable – if they ever will.

It’s unnerving to simply witness the old feelings of not being enough arising for me in this space. And yet, as an observer rather than an active participant in those weighted beliefs, we don’t have to become attached to the emotions we’re used to feeling in that space. We can simply watch. Let ourselves feel whatever arises, but not become consumed by it. If there is to be a consummation in my being, I wish it to be one of passion, of feeling alive in every sense of the word. This time to me feels like sloughing off the layers of what no longer carries life.

I have no idea what comes next. And I have days full of free time in which to sink deeper into myself and whatever she might wish to bring forth. In spite of the discomfort that arises, there is a sense of the luxury afforded to me in doing so. For that I radiate gratitude.

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12 thoughts on “Falling into Emptiness

  1. Pingback: Falling into Emptiness |

  2. Pingback: Pierced by Love | A Heart's Whispers

  3. oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh more than delicious….this expression of calm, whee we birth both….all the duality we see, be, hear and know……..from our own cradle deep within…..thank you for you for cherishing her….thank you for cherishing her

  4. *sigh* TIME. You have loads of free TIME. Girl, what a treasure that is! I’ve often wondered who I would be…what I would do…what I would look like, even…if I just had more free time to myself. I just keep holding on for retirement – my 5 year plan. LOL

    It’s not surprising, this emptiness that you find yourself in. I’ve found in my own life it has been true that after a long season of Creation…of Giving and Making and Doing…I enter a place of needing to just BE. Call it a cleansing. Call it a restoration. Call it a debrief. That emptiness is a place ripe with it’s own possibilities.

    Enjoy your discovery there…

    1. I can feel that, my sweet friend. Even amidst the emptiness and uncertainty of ‘what to do?’ – I can sense the ripeness – and the cleansing. You are so right on. It’s intriguing to me that although it looks very different there is a similar energy at play in our lives. Isn’t this how it goes? Women, open with ourselves, sharing out stories – realizing we are so deeply connected. Thank you for your love here…..and for the warmth I feel from you always. XOXO

  5. “Quiet the mind, and the soul will speak.” Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati I can so relate to your words as I have been moving in and out of this space for several years. It’s a beautiful, mesmerizing and at times terrifying place, but always rich with transformative power. We stand on the cusp of something tremendous that we likely will never now completely. It seems its a part of something larger than ourselves – extremely personal and yet impersonal. I stand beside you in gratitude and awe. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    1. All so very true, dear Dorothy. I feel it too. We are so much a part of the enormous and very powerful shift occurring in our universe, our consciousness. It’s reordering our lives, our awareness and presence from the inside out. I believe we are witnessing its impact – and from your energy and words here, I’m certain you are in your life, in your circles. So much moving – with amazing pace. I feel your presence beside me, and know I am in beautiful sacred circle with you, too. It’s quite amazing to feel women coming together in this way – our hearts drawing us ever closer to those who are feeling the same inner cleansing. Thank you for your love here and for sharing this post on your blog. Much, much love back to you, my friend. xoxo

  6. You are here with so much beauty and I welcome anything you do to be more connected to the truth and fully feeling your beauty. It is no surprise that you want more passion and depth in yourself because you do not shy away from the areas of growth that are needed.

    I love that you have time to focus on you. I love that you are going to get to know yourself more intimately and I am glad to be a witness on that journey because I SEE you, I KNOW you. All that you are. This is the time of you. You know where SHE resides and you know that no matter where this takes you, you have the love and support behind you.

    The emptiness provides space for you to explore, fill, BE and no matter what, once you’ve entered the journey, it will become as sacred and as significant as the rest of your life has been.

    Inner Temple work. It is time for your self worship. Join me ❤

    1. I am here. In this Inner Temple space you have known and seen in me for so long. Thank you for your words and always for your love. My anam cara. I love you so much. xoxo

I always love to hear your thoughts....xx

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