It’s a classic line from one of our favorite movies – Forrest Gump. I find myself feeling deeper into my own knowledge and sense of what love is. We use those words easily – ‘I love you’ – at least I do. My heart is elated with the sensation of love, being loved, loving, being in love and connecting through that pure heart space with another.
There are three distinct experiences of my life in which I clearly remember having the feeling of being rejected, of love being withdrawn from me. I’m currently in the midst of another experience which could easily fall into that same category for me. The old feelings are there still, although they may be small by comparison. My mind wants to grab hold of them tightly and show me why once again, it isn’t ok to let myself be seen. In each of the previous experiences, I was simply being myself and allowing my heart to express in the ways she most naturally does. Each time the message I inhaled to my core was that I was wrong, swimming in my own shame and heartache. Those recordings are trying desperately to make it through once again, to be heard, held, cradled as though I have committed great offense and need rebuking from within my own self.
I’m calling bullshit on it all. The beauty within myself is that I have done the work this time around. The ‘work’ of sinking deeper into me and understanding who I am and how my heart beats in this world. The ‘work’ of healing and letting go of old wounds that can stifle our expression and ability to breathe freely. The ‘work’ of having given myself the liberation of being exactly who I am, of trusting my own heart and letting her take the lead. And so this time around, I whisper sweetly to my mind to ‘fuck off.’ I don’t believe that garbage anymore, although it has done its best to settle in and make itself at home today. I expected there would be a time of deep sobbing and release at some point today, the emotion began to feel so thick inside. Instead, just now in the shower, I felt that we are still coming into an understanding of what love is. Here’s why…
IN each of these three previous experiences – it was clearly time for me, for my energy, my heart to move on. I love so deeply, I’m not certain I would have without some prompting. Back then I even offered to change who I was to hold onto one relationship with a very close female friend of mine. I was willing to abandon myself in order to please her. THAT, my friends, is very, very twisted and NOT how we are meant to walk this planet. It would have been toxic for me to stay in any three of those communities/relationships longer than I did. In retrospect, the frequency of being judged and rejected as myself was already there – within me and from those involved. The climax simply brought it all into the light, into the open. It propelled me into deep heartache, but it also moved me into a whole new way of being with myself each time.
So the beauty of this current situation is that I will not question my heart, because I am crystal clear in how she guides me. What I can see from here, with eyes wide open is that what often feels like heartache is the hot beautiful mess that is GRACE. This, my loves, THIS is what LOVE is. Love moves us with such tenderness into a deeper and more purified layer of ourselves. Love opens doors to releasing residues we weren’t even aware were still taking up residence within our mind. Love gives us the experiences we need to free our bodies from sensations that cause us pain. Love is pure. She draws us closer to her every time we choose from a place of our truth. THIS, my loves, THIS is what love is. I’m seeing her even more clearly through the lens of today. I am what Love is. And so are you. Let us not continue to doubt it. We are love. We are loved and we are loveable.