It’s been quiet here–you may have noticed. Or perhaps not. This year, 2015, has brought with her many challenges and undoings, my health especially. I learned of my thyroid illness just after the birth of my son – nearly 21 years ago now. There were some times of struggle, but they’ve been in the distant past. Until now.
Discovering how jeopardized my health has been with the current condition of my thyroid was actually both shocking and quite devastating. In the midst of a virus type illness, I had a blood test, only to learn the number which should be around 4 was actually 41. In an instant I felt how deeply (and unconsciously) I’d been fooling myself with the belief my fatigue was due to a very busy autumn and holiday season. The path back to feeling well again feels so much longer than I’d like it to be. My health has been part of my vitality. To suddenly not have that feels foreign and to me.
At the same time I’m maneuvering this new way of loving myself, I’ve also dropped a lot of the labels and roles I felt were mine. They no longer seem to fit. Not because of my health, but alongside it.
What I’m discovering is a new way of being me, of loving me, of allowing myself all that is true. Every ugly emotion, every moment of feeling discouraged or alone, every new path that leads only to me. There are very few who will stand beside you and celebrate who you are outside of the spiritual ‘rules’ of healing yourself, being positive and uplifting, staying in love. Rules and expectations that actually closet pieces of our true nature, our raw emotions.
It occurred to me one afternoon as I rested and wrestled within myself that to so many in what I term the ‘spiritual’ community it might appear as though I’m immune to some deeper issue that is making me sick. Something about unblocking my 5th chakra, changing my diet, cleansing my energy field. We have somehow allowed into our spiritual lives this list of rules by which we are supposed to be living if we are in fact on a path of healing and wholeness. That list includes not being a victim and in some cases, not saying how you truly feel without the disclaimer of ‘but I know it’s all with purpose.’ A disclaimer that too often sets aside our pure (and dark) emotions of frustration, anger, discouragement, heartache. We are celebrated in our becoming. Who will stand at our side through the unbecoming?
In truth – it has to be us – ourselves. It’s not about anyone else understanding or celebrating our individual path. That’s the sharp realization I had that day on the couch. In my own inner dialogue I heard other people’s voices seeming to say ‘you’re not doing anything to heal yourself.’ My own voice respond with a truth that I am healing. Even in lying on the couch, feeling down and without any energy, unable to tap into something ‘sacred’ in my body – even in that moment, I knew, I felt my truth.
In simply being me, in allowing the illness to do its work as it is – I am healing. We forget the value of being much too easily. I find myself sinking deeper into its power as I am able to do less of the daily activities that were just a short bit ago a very big part of my life. The truth that continues to come is I am not who I was even a few months ago. Everything is different. I cannot tell you why or what comes next, I can only speak to where I am in this moment. I know who I am – and yet the question dances in my dreams – who am I now?