Chaotic Holy Love

Ecstasy. Rich, full-bodied. I’m in it.

I sat on our bed talking with my husband about this book – THIS BOOK in which I am a contributing author. Omnipresent: The Sacred Feminine Balance. I’ve dreamed of this for many years, and it’s quite a sensation to realize there is a portal here. A portal of such deep and holy self awareness and appreciation. The majesty of which is an expanded view of all life in such a way and a powerful connection to its reverent pulse.

We talked about the book – about him wanting to read my words in it – and then he left the room for a few moments. I flipped through its pages and it very naturally rested on page 58, where I found these words:

Book - Sacred Heart crop

Emotion stirred in me – because I am this. Within my lovely feminine chest lies the Sacred Heart. These words reflect my truth. These words – are my words. The book itself had brought me to them, here – in print. My breath paused a moment, I’m certain of it – because I could have been reading another woman’s dialogue considering the impact it left on me. There’s a humbling alongside an internal celebration of oneself when we see our reflection so beautifully clear. Magic enfolded and cradled me yet again.

Every day is meant to leave us in awe in some way. It’s there for us, always. If we just say yes, we’ll have some glimpse of it. There are days that mystery will lift us in its arms and fly us high into the heavens of bliss. And there are days we’ll recognize its chaotic work and remember we still are intertwined. These are my days. And this, my loves, this is my book, shared with these incredible female authors. These are our truths, our loves, our stories and grace shared in our own words.

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If you’d like to order a copy of Omnipresent in either Kindle or print version, I’ve provided this link for you to do so here.

 

 

I Fell in Love With My Ovaries Today

We’ve lost the art of loving ourselves through the ages of time and patriarchy. Rather than wholeheartedly embracing and feeling the power, the beauty, the grace, the majesty of our bodies, we began to shut it all down placing our Life Force on hold. We shrank inside ourselves as all ways of the Divine Feminine were silenced in fear and shame.

I’ve been listening to a series entitled Female Sexual Soul Healing offered by Leyolah Antara of Kundalini Dance – and to say it’s transforming would be a huge understatement. The session I listened to today was ‘Ovaries.’

I’m not sure many of us have ever connected with our bodies in this deep way – to feel, sense, love and feel loved by the energetic and physical matter of who we are. It’s not simply about a body part, but all the experiences, energies, exchanges, beliefs, patterns and subsequent reinforcements they carry. When we open into relationship with our body, with our sexual organs specifically, we unlock a power that has for most of us, been hushed and darkened our entire lives.

Sensual Feminine

In a deephearted conversation with one I love last night, I heard myself saying – owning – fervently out loud ‘I MATTER.’ It’s not a statement we’re prone to allowing ourselves to feel in its fullness, nor to dare speak aloud. It carries old vibrations of selfishness and believing we’re better than we really are. Not so in the ovarian palace. In this space of a woman’s body there is a regal worship and honoring of all she is. Her intuitive senses are embraced, cherished and held in the highest regard. Her worth as a woman radiates with crystal clarity. Her presence and grace in this world, her ability to bring love and healing through her very own Life Force breathes a power that is both understood and wholly welcomed and loved here.

This series is changing me, cleansing me of what has been stored in my body, my dna, and the energetic and physical bodies of women for lifetimes. It’s potent, and with each of the 11 sessions moves deeper and deeper into the heart of what it is to embody, to immerse ourselves in the Divine Feminine. I’m only at the halfway point and there is a stirring in my being that is outside anything my mind could begin to conjure up or create. The energy is real, the healing so very gentle with a cosmic expansion of our purest essence and holy presence.

Today I fell in love with my ovaries as though we were meeting for the first time. I saw and felt their love, their beauty, and the pulsing, sacred breath of life they are. I experienced their connection to my heart, my womb (center of the ovarian palace) and my creativity. These sessions are a sinking into who we are as women, not only from the ancient threads of our existence, but through this moment in time where even more of our feminine creativity, love, healing and compassion are present and available to us.

I’ve seen several offerings from Leyolah over these last few years, and even felt a pull to a couple; albeit a pull that never fully drew me in. Upon reading about and feeling into this series, I was immediately compelled to take part. My 21 days will be stretched over time, and sometimes I listen to the sessions out of order – honoring my intuitive senses and the pull of my own body. This – the beauty and art of being a woman, of listening and responding ever so gently and lovingly to the call of our own inner truth – this is the inner alchemy in which I am immersing myself completely.

Love is Seduction

‘More and more people are realizing to love their mate intimately and honestly is their spiritual practice; the two are not separate.’ ~ Aphrodite’s Daughters

I read an article yesterday titled ‘Danger: How to Know If You’re Having an Emotional Affair‘, and although I understand a bit of the intention, parts of it really fired me up. The overall message in the article felt focused on keeping our hearts ‘in check’ and maintaining a marriage the way it ‘should’ be done.

It’s challenging for me to find the ‘shoulds’ in my marriage, in my love for my husband, my lover. For me, the commitment I feel for him and for what we share and create together comes directly FROM my heart. If we place rules and limitations on what the heart is allowed to feel, to express, to honor, how then can we possibly be in an open, honest relationship with ourselves or our partners?

A Mermaid in the Sunset - Love is Seduction by Marco Busoni
A Mermaid in the Sunset – Love is Seduction by Marco Busoni

I’m not advocating for affairs, for blind followings of lust or heartthrob. I’m saying there is a beauty to the raw wildness of our hearts, and if we can trust its whisperings, whatever action we take will ultimately and certainly lead us deeper into a knowing of ourselves and subsequently all those with whom we share intimacy. This is true not only of our lovers and partners in a physical sense, but of those we love on the deepest levels, with whom we can be naked in some way.

To imply that intimacy comes from adhering to a set of rules and how it should be feels in opposition to the very beauty that IS intimacy. Intimacy for me is a purity of self, an allowing of what is rather than a stamping out of what ‘should not’ be. There’s a beautiful unveiling that takes place when we follow the seduction of our hearts. How does one determine, with what measure can anyone possibly say the heart is wrong?

Perhaps there is an attraction, a genuine heart-centered connection occurring. I believe we must first be honest with ourselves regarding what we feel. We must take the temperature of our own beliefs and values, honoring our integrity and intuitive knowing. Walking this way in our world leaves little room for ‘right and wrong’ when it comes to the language of the heart.

My spiritual practice is very much centered around intimacy, as well as the ecstatic movement through what is mine to experience. There is no authority outside of my being that could begin to understand, much less dictate what is right for me personally, or how I ‘should’ engage my marriage, lover, partner. When we dare to cross that line on behalf of another person, to speak THEIR truth as though it were ours to do so, we unravel the integrity of their individual and soul power. What to one may appear and/or feel to be ‘wrong’ may very well be healing and liberating for another.

We must begin to understand the power of the heart, of her voice. We must honor the knowing in another and drop the need to dictate who or what they ‘should’ be. The ‘danger’ is in our fear of what might come, of how we might find beauty in the midst of what this world considers chaos. Our emotions, the calling of our hearts is one of the most potent doorways to the center of all we are. When we shush even the tiniest part of that voice, we create ripples that will hold us still in time. We must give full berth to the love unfolding within, in its purest authentic expression. This, loves, this is our way to intimacy, to holiness and the deepest level of commitment to ourselves, our marriages, our lovers. Love, in her purest, most radiant form – is seduction.

A Wanted Woman

While walking through our neighborhood a few evenings ago, my love paused for a moment to wrap his arms around me, even sensually cupping my behind. I felt my whole self light up with his touch, with the energy of his wanting, and his ‘small’ gesture stirred a sense of truth within: I highly value being a wanted woman. 

Perhaps I’ve known that’s true for a very long time, only I’m not sure I’ve always had an acceptance or carried the beauty of understanding it within myself. There are innuendos attached to such a statement. Judgments around our (lack of) self esteem, our wounds, our need to be recognized, seen, loved. Residues of those notions still plague me a bit, but the ferocity and deep power of the feeling in that statement stayed with me, leaving me to ponder more intimately just what it meant.

A wanted woman. As I feel into that phrase, connect to the essence of who she is, I can sense this goes beyond simply being desired. The energy of what I feel is of being a woman who is cherished, honored, loved for who she is. She is worthy of being so loved and esteemed simply because she breathes. We’ve lost touch with allowing ourselves to feel this so fully, suppressing our desire to be honored in this way, especially when it relates to physical presence.

sensual flowers

There was a time in our history when women were so honored for our beauty, our love, our wisdom and holiness. For many women, that love was felt through the worship of our bodies. I believe that time is present once again and part of its power is for us to claim it in ourselves. For me, allowing this statement to remain in my awareness is part of how I do that. One of my initial responses when the moment had passed was to feel old stories creeping in, to hear the voices of others who may not understand or honor this sensation of what it is to be woman–to be me as a woman. Giving the notion of valuing myself as a wanted woman room to remain in my contemplation as well as sharing it with you here are both part of my own internal release of what is no longer true – for myself and for all woman who relate.

I don’t believe this hunger is exclusive to just women. Our men, lovers, children bask in the glow of our honored loving. We crave the sensation of being held in the highest regard on every level. There is a vulnerability required to let ourselves feel the aching, to give ourselves space to express our need to be loved and seen fully. Perhaps it’s the vulnerability that keeps us from feeling it to its depths – both the desire to be so cherished as well as our ability to love another in this way.

I’m curious if you feel its truth within your being. As you read the statement ‘I highly value being a wanted woman’ what is the response it evokes in your being? Can you connect to the beauty of who you are, to the desire you have within to be loved and held sacred by those you hold close in your heart?

This is part of the suffering we impart upon ourselves – denial of our inner truth. Such seemingly small statements can turn our world inside out, drawing us deeper into the raw and intimate places of what we have kept safely hidden. The tide has turned and we are no longer in the shadows of our truth, our expression, our hunger and desire. The fear to let it breathe remains, and we alone hold the power to bare its naked presence and feel from within the dissolution of what is old. As we do this more and more, the old breaks away and we find ourselves in a new and powerful relation to ourselves.

I am a wanted woman. Loved, cherished, held sacred. The more I understand and allow this to be present in myself, the more I can receive and experience it with others. It’s been easy to give the love and honoring to others. A raw allowing is required to feel it within and for ourselves. I choose that. xx

 

Feminine Power of Penetration: No More Playing Small

I love the sensation of being penetrated. There’s nothing like the presence of my lover buried deep inside me with a fire of passion that calls us together, blazing in the heat of sweet surrender. What I’ve come to understand recently is that even as I am being penetrated physically and energetically by my love, there is a simultaneous penetration of my own taking place.

In the act of making love, the penis enters the vagina. Repeatedly. We’ve understood this for years to be the way of sex. We’ve also experienced and attached to it the idea that men have the power and women surrender ourselves to that power. There can be a beautiful truth in this reality, but it requires that we let go of the histories with which we have become so familiar. We must relinquish our role as ‘victim’ in the feminine sense, and understand the power of choice in the act of surrender to our love. Surrender isn’t solely about ‘giving in’ – it’s very much about allowing, inviting, welcoming.

Marilyn

Because here’s what’s true, my loves. It’s not only men who penetrate when it comes to making love. We as women carry our own exquisite art of penetration. As we passionately contract our vaginal walls around our man’s presence in our bodies, there is a feminine penetration taking place. He may be buried deep inside us, but our energy and fire surround him fully, penetrating the very essence of his being.

We carry the power to satiate, to ignite, to soothe or spark. Moving in harmony with all his body communicates to us, we have the ability to receive all he offers, simultaneously injecting our adoration, tenderness, healing fires into his being.  This is the energy of the feminine. She is the giver of life, healer, seductress. She is the balm that cures whatever ails her lover. When we as women really begin to sense, allow and embrace this truth, it transforms us, our lovers, our entire sexual experience.

The desire for penetration is real – male or female, masculine or feminine. The power to do so exists in each one of us. This is our time to stand up and claim our power, to step out of our smallness, proclaiming who we are as loud and strong as we need. Women who honor the fullness of who we are become graced with the gift of cleansing and awakening penetration. We tap into something still lurking in the shadows of our time. We change the story and shift the scales. There is no more separation of the masculine and feminine through the energy of victim/perpetrator. We become lovers of one another, exchanging the gift of entrance and invitation with each other. This is where our power lies. And it’s time we owned it all.

Speaking Sexuality Out Loud

Dissolving the shame around our sexuality isn’t exclusive to women – or to men. Nor is it simply about those who are in heterosexual male/female relationships. We’re entering a space where the delicate balance of masculine and feminine are coming together – finding center. There are women who relate more to the masculine way of being, and men whose natural tendencies and desires are in the feminine realm.

We’re expanding the conversation now – and it’s going to get hot. Hot in the ways we desire, yes – increased arousal, fires burning in all the right places; but also hot in the ways that make us uncomfortable, fidgety in our seats, ready to lash out and defend what feels true in ourselves.

There’s been an imbalance in our world through the reign of patriarchy. We’ve all played into it – men and women alike. And for some time now there have been women’s groups and organizations, books, websites, conferences and Red Tent gatherings centered around the empowerment, the healing, the opening and release of the wounds we have carried for generations and lifetimes. So many of us know stories of our aunts, mothers and grandmothers having experienced sexual abuse at the hands of men. And in truth – that certainly still happens.

Intimate couples by Evelina Pentcheva
Intimate couples by Evelina Pentcheva

We’ve put much energy, heart and time into healing these wounds, empowering ourselves, finding our voices and releasing the demons that plague our past. Women are experiencing liberation, dissolving shame and opening to the intimate, hidden places in our sexual libraries. We love to be sexual. We desire to be wanted, adored. We carry a passion so deep it can ignite inside us in a heartbeat. These are our truths.

It’s time now to give our men the same leeway in expressing their sexual truths. Let us allow them to speak of the sexual intensity present in their own bodies, give them room to unleash the raw desire and lust that lives within their masculine way of walking this earth. Our men, this generation of men along with this generation of women, deserve no less than to be able to speak boldly and openly of their sexual desires. It’s the hiding away, the shaming, the blame and the judgment of what is wrong  and not acceptable that has driven us to acting out our sexuality in secret, in dark places where it has little room to flourish, to burn, to breathe as the truth of what it is.

It may feel uncomfortable in us at times. And ladies, let’s be fair – there are certainly moments our open expression has felt the same to our male counterparts. Let us now come together as equals, processing and releasing the shackles of our history, the wounding, the heartache, the blame. Let us honor each other as who we are in our sexuality, in our hunger and ravenous desire to explore the depths of our bodies, our passion, our fires together. We have certainly come far enough to engage the conversation, to speak boldly and honestly our truths to one another and find in the process an acceptance and even celebration of what is real and true in ourselves and each other.

Unraveling: ‘Spiritual Healing’ Not Required

It’s been quiet here–you may have noticed. Or perhaps not. This year, 2015, has brought with her many challenges and undoings, my health especially. I learned of my thyroid illness just after the birth of my son – nearly 21 years ago now. There were some times of struggle, but they’ve been in the distant past. Until now.

Discovering how jeopardized my health has been with the current condition of my thyroid was actually both shocking and quite devastating. In the midst of a virus type illness, I had a blood test, only to learn the number which should be around 4 was actually 41. In an instant I felt how deeply (and unconsciously) I’d been fooling myself with the belief my fatigue was due to a very busy autumn and holiday season. The path back to feeling well again feels so much longer than I’d like it to be. My health has been part of my vitality. To suddenly not have that feels foreign and to me.

Unraveling

At the same time I’m maneuvering this new way of loving myself, I’ve also dropped a lot of the labels and roles I felt were mine. They no longer seem to fit. Not because of my health, but alongside it.

What I’m discovering is a new way of being me, of loving me, of allowing myself all that is true. Every ugly emotion, every moment of feeling discouraged or alone, every new path that leads only to me. There are very few who will stand beside you and celebrate who you are outside of the spiritual ‘rules’ of healing yourself, being positive and uplifting, staying in love. Rules and expectations that actually closet pieces of our true nature, our raw emotions.

It occurred to me one afternoon as I rested and wrestled within myself that to so many in what I term the ‘spiritual’ community it might appear as though I’m immune to some deeper issue that is making me sick. Something about unblocking my 5th chakra, changing my diet, cleansing my energy field. We have somehow allowed into our spiritual lives this list of rules by which we are supposed to be living if we are in fact on a path of healing and wholeness. That list includes not being a victim and in some cases, not saying how you truly feel without the disclaimer of ‘but I know it’s all with purpose.’ A disclaimer that too often sets aside our pure (and dark) emotions of frustration, anger, discouragement, heartache. We are celebrated in our becoming. Who will stand at our side through the unbecoming?

In truth – it has to be us – ourselves. It’s not about anyone else understanding or celebrating our individual path. That’s the sharp realization I had that day on the couch. In my own inner dialogue I heard other people’s voices seeming to say ‘you’re not doing anything to heal yourself.’ My own voice respond with a truth that I am healing. Even in lying on the couch, feeling down and without any energy, unable to tap into something ‘sacred’ in my body – even in that moment, I knew, I felt my truth.

In simply being me, in allowing the illness to do its work as it is – I am healing. We forget the value of being much too easily. I find myself sinking deeper into its power as I am able to do less of the daily activities that were just a short bit ago a very big part of my life. The truth that continues to come is I am not who I was even a few months ago. Everything is different. I cannot tell you why or what comes next, I can only speak to where I am in this moment. I know who I am – and yet the question dances in my dreams – who am I now?