Illness is my Lover

I’m a woman who demands her lovers. They’re a necessary part of my life and have been for as long as I can remember. I crave and thrive upon the sensual stirrings, the intimacy, the deep connection to something that is greater than anything else this life has to offer. So imagine my surprise recently when illness began her sultry seduction.

We’re attuned to illness being something to ‘get rid off.’ During the two weeks I laid quietly and gently on the couch, there were some who shared their thoughts of what ‘to take’ or how to ‘get better.’ Only – I wasn’t trying to get better. Just a day or two in to the emptiness I felt in my body, I opted to give myself fully to the fatigue and congestion. Each time my mind wanted to mourn the discomfort or wonder just how long we would have to do this, I returned to a state of surrender to this place of rest, of nothingness, of stillness and separation from all that exists in the ‘real world.’ I gave myself full permission to be ill.

It goes against our grain in some way. We’re used to surrendering to something that feels ‘spiritual’ or ‘good.’ We’re not so accustomed to letting ourselves be sick. It feels like something must be ‘wrong with us.’ And yet, for me my illness served as a mystical doorway. While everything else in my physical world stood still – the doing, the taking care of others, the need to cook or clean or write or speak – intense movement took shape through my interior world. Relationships changed, my ‘work’ focus streamlined and some of what I had felt so passionate about during the last several months began to lose the pulse of Life my soul requires in order to feel alive. Even in my illness, in the tired state of my physical body, I could feel the vitality of my soul.

Mariska Karto Illness

Illness is my lover – was my lover. She has left for now. It came to me as I neared the end of our affair together – I had given myself completely to her. I knew that – I felt that with full clarity in all of my being. And just as clear was the message it was time to let her go. Our heated passion was over. My body called me to come back into myself fully. And with as much fervor I shifted my energy and now gave myself fully to me.

I actually loved the time during which I felt so unwell. It was a mystical journey deep into myself, with only myself. We are gifted so many lovers in this life, and too often we miss the juice they offer to us. I’ve never in my life felt illness in my being as I did these last two weeks. There are layers of what she brought to me, how she impacted me on very deep levels, what I both released and embraced in myself. I’ll be writing more about this in my book.

For now, I leave you with this. Everything and anything that comes to you has the power to become your lover, to engage all of your senses in a mad, torrid affair of love that will pierce your heart and sear your soul. Surrender into it. Let yourself lie with deep pleasure, feeling the fullness of who you are. THIS is the mystic’s journey – making love with the sacred at every turn.

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Don’t Fuck with Feminine Intuition

Strong language, I know. It’s necessary though, for what I’m about to share with you.

I became aware of it last year, witnessing myself and other women in my circles. And if there was anything this last year of my life was very much about – it was women in my circles. I can sense the shift for 2015, but that’s another post for another time.

What I started seeing was a pattern in us as women. When our intuitive voice begins speaking, when the ancient wisdom that we are more and more stepping up and claiming as real and true and alive and raw starts to activate – we have a response that for many, I feel, we are not fully aware is present.

What I noticed in myself was a sensation of what appeared to be jealousy, and was even perceived as jealousy by one of the most intimate female relationships I had at the time. I began to question my own self – WAS I jealous?

Feminine wisdom

Jealousy is a word, an emotion, an energetic frequency that has ‘plagued’ my consciousness since I can remember. We’ve talked about that here and especially through my wildly popular post Beautiful Truth of the Green Eyed Monster. I don’t believe it’s as simple as ‘ being jealous.’ And when writing that particular post, I felt the pulse of something alive and naked in stating I don’t believe it’s jealousy at all. It’s a quest for love.

What I feel even more so now, is that’s true. AND, it’s our feminine intuition at play. I’ve witnessed women on multiple occasions move into a space of negative self talk and judgment about being insecure, unempowered, jealous, etc. when what was really going on is that they were sensing something that was beyond the physical line of sight. These women’s intuitive senses, the kind that are housed in the feminine womb, the center of our power especially when united to the heart, these senses have been turned on in these women – women who very much understand who they are. These are women who are tapping deep into the ancient ways of knowing, the ways of sensing and intuiting and connecting what is true in the Mysteries. And when they were being triggered that something in THEM was ‘off,’ needy, wrong, out of balance – what was really happening is that they were sensing intuitively something that may have felt uncomfortable and in many cases, required some realignment of their lives, belief systems or actions.

We’ve become so accustomed over lifetimes and experiences to ignoring what we feel. We’ve been told it’s wrong and we’re wrong for feeling it. So with time and repeated patterning, we’ve come to equate our intuitive senses with a hole that exists inside of us. I’m calling bullshit. It’s not real and it’s not true.

This is not to say we don’t have places in ourselves where we don’t feel whole or perhaps even act from a sense of who we are. I’m not speaking of that directly. I’m speaking of myself and of women who are in their bodies, in their hearts, and are waking up their senses in ways we haven’t known for centuries. It’s foreign to us, so we chalk it up to something that’s wrong with us inside for even having such an inkling.

And it’s not conscious. We aren’t aware it’s even happening at first. For me, it occurred on three separate occasions, offering a clear validation of what I began ‘seeing’ from a gentler perspective. The intuition, the knowing, was crystal clear. And initially it was only in looking back at a situation that the clarity revealed itself.

So I offer this to you, one woman to another. The next time you hear the self talk telling you you’re jealous, you’re insecure, you just want attention – take a step back, sink into yourself and ask if there is something deeper presenting itself to you. Ask yourself what it is that you ‘know’ that might feel foreign or uncomfortable in your body, in your psyche. Allow room for the possibility that it’s not your ‘ego’ but your beautiful feminine wisdom that is on lead. Trust her and give her room to lead you where she will.

I feel there is so much more here to discover, to unveil. We are so programmed to quiet our voice – both within and without. The ways in which it speaks to us are both miraculous and immense. No more quieting or hiding it away.

Claiming our Feminine Sexuality

We have forgotten we are holy. In the throes of patriarchal rule, we left behind our ability to serve as channels of the sacred. There was a time in the history of women when we were the means through which men (and likely other women) found their way to divine awakening–through the act of being sexually intimate with a woman. We – as women – have forgotten we are holy.

Our sexuality is our own. It belongs solely to us. And yet, we leave it sitting on the shelf until it’s called for by someone else who wants it. We have forgotten how to live and breathe as the sensual beings we are, the holy deities of the Goddess we are. We no longer remember what it is to exude and express that essence beyond the call of our lover to be sexual.

We wait to be desired and wanted as validation of our worth. Rather than understand the purity of being Woman, we set her aside until another confirms through their desire that we are something to be valued, loved, adored, cherished. The question I pose to you today is how do we reconnect to that essence? How do we reclaim our own sexuality in its fullness, in its beauty and hallowed grace?

aphrodite
‘Venus’ by Diego Velazquez, 1599-1660

There are very nice phrases we’ve come to use, such as ‘love yourself first.’ Yes, I believe we’re very much remembering how to do that. And I don’t sense this is about loving ourselves. This is about a fundamental disconnect from our sexuality, from the power of what it is for us as women to own our sexuality and perhaps even more so from an acceptance by ourselves of who we are as sexual beings. We’ve become so ‘pure’ in accordance with societal, religious and cultural expectations–we’ve forgotten who we are.

It’s time to WAKE UP and fully remember who we are as sexual women, as channels and vessels of all that is the Sacred Feminine. We are the very gateways through which our lovers access the divine potency of true ecstasy. And we have forgotten. We must first give ourselves permission to be sexual, to feel sexual, to engage and initiate our sexuality in ways that are new and outside ordinary boundaries and acceptable ways of being. We must press beyond what we have known and felt is safe in our expression, in our remembrance, in our utterance and crying out for what our feminine essence longs to bare. This is our time now. No longer need we fear the repercussion of speaking out, acting out, stepping out on behalf of the heart-womb-body connection. The stirrings that come from within have too long been silenced in fear, punishment and self hatred. Enough. It’s time to claim our sexual power in its fullness, to unleash the volcano of passion of the Sacred Feminine in all her glory and fire.

‘The Teaching My Blood Whispers to Me’

I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me. ~Herman Hesse

Sensations awoke and began to move through my body when I read this quote today, especially the phrase ‘the teaching my blood whispers to me.’

It’s 2015. January. This is the month I have known my book would finally come into form. The vision has been with me for some time–not just a dream of writing a book, an actual vision of the process, the writing, the text. There is a gentle flow that moves us to the place where we breathe life into the dream. And then….we give it form; a way to move through this world, to touch people on a human level, to connect to the very places in us that seek to be caressed, awakened, aroused.

Photograph by Miyako Ishiuchi
Photograph by Miyako Ishiuchi

This is where I find myself now. The book journal is never far from where I am. The pages are filling with the inspirations and passions of what is meant to be written by me, as me, through me. I know when I hit the mark because my self begins to tingle and the cells dance the macarena. Everything is lit up and all signs are go.

Today, as I sat at my desk and the words move through me, I felt it. And I felt too what this quote served to validate for me–what is meant to to be told comes through the blood that is mine, the experiences and truths and knowings, the magic and creativity and DNA, the very Life Force of all that is beautifully and uniquely me. This is the story I am to tell – mine. I’ve always known that, only now I know it’s not just a story of my life. It’s a story of the Sacred Feminine coming full into Herself. It’s a story of so many women who came before me, and perhaps some who will follow. Only, the telling of the story will shift its course. The vulnerable, raw and pure sharing of who we are as women is what unleashes our power. THIS is our story, our offering, our blessing….this is our blood. My blood. ‘The teaching my blood whispers to me. ‘ Yes.

Seducing the Goddess

Seduction is the art of surrendering deep into our senses. Perhaps its greatest power comes when we are seduced from the inside out. What we feel in the core of our being, when revered, becomes intoxicating: every sense on fire and awaiting ignition.

The ache on our skin and layers beneath, of longing to be held, felt, touched–each body in her own way. Sultry, pure and sensual movement and opening offered by our body in response. Resistance crumbling in heaps upon the earth, melting with contact.

We begin to breathe in the fragrances that will awaken each caress, every kiss–splayed and hungry to taste more of what our passion demands. There is a beauty beyond what the eyes can take in. Mystical visions of union, love, ecstasy quiet the mind and arouse the wild voice no longer contained.

Sleeping Venus by Italian Renaissance Master Giorgione

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This, my loves, this inner seduction of ourselves, by ourselves–this is the Seduction of the Goddess–both upon Her and emanating from Her. This is our activation of all we are. It comes to us through our senses, through the Holy Seduction of all that is God in every form. This is what it is to merge, to become one, to make love with the Divine, the Sacred, with Goddess and God all at once.

Allow yourself to become seduced. However you are being beckoned, just say yes.

More about Sleeping Venus by Giorgione: Left unfinished at the time of his death, it is generally agreed that the landscape and sky in Sleeping Venus were completed by the Renaissance painter Titian. The choice of a single nude woman marked a revolution in art, as it was an unprecedented element, especially the semi-erotic positioning of the arms, one of which is raised, the other being placed near the groin. A further innovation in this painting is Giorgione’s use of a landscape to frame the sleeping goddess, as he was the first painter to widely paint landscapes with figures. The painting is now held in the Old Masters Picture Gallery in Dresden, Germany. ~ Wikipedia 

Channeling Ecstasy

So we have this energy, this sensual, fiery, lusty, longing, aching, hungry, passionate, pulsing energy that moves and stirs and awakens inside us. Anything can prompt its arousal. And then we are left with what to do with that energy. At least I am.

The next pondering I have within myself is how to channel this ecstasy, this fire. The usual suspects – sex, food, shopping, exercising, laughing, loving. Yes. I get that. But the deeper question I’m asking from the depths of my self is how am I meant to harness and channel this pressing sensation of all of my body, heart and soul coming to life and seeking to express?

I’m certain I am designed this way with purpose. I’m certain there are blocks – conditioning, heartaches, fears – to realizing, to opening, to connecting fully with what is here, offering itself to me. How do I dissolve those and get into the heart of it?

Lady Rose by Carmen Velcic
Lady Rose by Carmen Velcic

What is calling me next? No longer can I sit to write and type out something that is merely skimming the surface. My fingertips move with fire across the keyboard when I am sharing from my own abyssal truth and hunger. I know what that feels like. I long to more and more step into that space, to let IT move ME, to become the voice, the expression, the heartbeat, the pulse of my own Life Force; to no longer fear or keep it at bay.

These are the contemplations that circle in my consciousness today. How do I sink into my own ecstatic presence, energy, expression? How do I honor what is moving through me with purity, with integrity and elegance, with the potent and beautiful voice that is my own? I no longer fear my voice…..and with every day, with every word, every portal of expression and dissolution….I have come to revere and trust its sacred movement in my body.

That’s so much a part of this – ‘in my body.’ We MUST – we MUST get IN our bodies, loves. We hear it said so often it’s become a cliche. So take a bit of time and consider what that means to you – for you – to get IN your body. To feel from there, to give yourself permission to allow everything that comes through in waves as your own intimate truth. Let it all come to you, let it take the lead and drive you to what is surely your destiny, your purpose, your own unique soul signature. This is my prayer today…..guide me deeper into my own signature. Let me be clear in sensing when the kiss of sacredness is touching me, stirring me, arousing me. And let me answer with full openness and without fearing risk of exposure. This is my prayer. xo

Primal Desire

Penetration. We hunger for it. Our bodies naturally long to merge with another as part of the satisfaction to our longing. Our hearts ever seeking out a way to expand, weaving into the thread of Life in the most beautiful and intimate way. Our souls seeking over and over again the balm that soothes our cavernous aching – to be touched and kissed into a deeper awakening of who we are.

We go through these glorious and sometimes gut-wrenching ebbs and flows of life, through portals of seemingly continual opening and closing, only to find ourselves laid bare, naked and exposed in some new way. It’s the hunger that keeps us alive, the hunger that stokes the fires burning us from the inside out. It’s the full on penetration of the Sacred we long to feel.

Our sense is that we need to feed the body – food, sex, pleasure – and we do. And yet, a much more intense part of our ‘feeding’ is the full presence of ourselves with open hearts and bared souls. We truly become aroused with our own nakedness, our innately raw vulnerability. Ironically, it’s the very thing we have been taught to fear. Primal desire. ‘Painstaking’ hunger.

triple candleI’m here to say it doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be painful or tear us apart from one end of ourselves to another. The key lies in the allowing, in the complete and utter surrender into whatever it is that may be calling us. I’ve written a lot about the number of things that can be, and it feels the deeper I go into my own life ‘work’ the more intimately I am being drawn into the sacredness of our sexuality.

I don’t quite know all of what this is stirring in me. There’s a more direct conversation happening in myself. As much as I feel I’ve been ‘risky’ in my recent posts and sharing, I have a sense that is NOTHING compared to what’s coming in 2015. More and more there are responses to posts on my Facebook page around sexuality as a sacred portal into our wholeness, into our healing and expansion as both Sacred Feminine and Sacred Masculine – as male and female alike. There IS something in the act of sex – with ourselves, for ourselves, with others and for others – that is more potent than we yet fully realize.

And it’s time to wake up. My friends would know me to say it’s time to ‘wake the fuck up!’ It is. I feel it. Years ago I felt perplexed around the word ‘juicy’ as it related to me. I feel today as though I’m in a crash course on opening into that fully and I’ve barely scraped the surface. So the next bit of advice I’ll give you is this – buckle the fuck up. Because it’s coming and I have zero intention of stopping this flow. I am wide open. I am hungry for all that is wanting to come through me in every possible way and I will continue to say yes again and again and again.

I am certain of this – I am a channel of the Sacred Feminine in all Her purity, in all Her beauty, sensuality, sexuality and grace. I am filled with the juices of Her expansion, Her climax, Her release and expulsion on all of life. And my work here is to allow Her expression and voice, without censor. I say yes. And I am ready for whatever that means. Are you?