I Could Weep….

I found her book quite by accident – Sera Beak’s ‘Red Hot & Holy: A Heretics Love Story.‘ It’s just one of so many pieces falling into place at this time in my life, and frankly, I’m not sure I was ready before now.

There’s so much I want to say around this, so please bear with me as it begins pouring out. Feels like I’ve mentioned to you here before that years ago I asked one of my spiritual teachers why it was that every time I felt the fullness of the Divine, it left me heated, hungry, filled with a fire that it seemed was only about sex and all those ‘ugly’ labels we’ve put on Her. We were in the midst of an intense workshop – The Sacred Marriage of Mysticism and Yoga. I had been rocked to my core by a profound union with the Sacred during that time, after which I asked this question: ‘What is it about this energy that leaves me feeling so attracted to men, to what feels lustful in myself?’ It wasn’t the first time I was aware of this energy within – I have loved boys especially since being a little girl. I’ve loved kissing them, being with them, writing love letters to them, being intimate in every way possible–on and on I could go. What I know now, is this isn’t just about ‘boys’ or ‘sex.’ It isn’t any of those lies that have been forced upon it, upon US: slut, cheap whore, promiscuous, impure, acting inappropriately, being too much in our feelings, too beautiful, clothes too tight, hips sway too much, too flirtatious, too much laughter, too seductive, too revealing, too much of this or that. All lies. How could we possibly be too much of anything that flows so naturally from within?

These lies were pounded into us over and over again – and so we began to believe them, adjusting who we are, ‘taming down’ our inner fires because it made others uncomfortable. And I’m not talking about just ‘sex’ here. I’m talking about a heat that begins in the depths of our soul, that sets our hearts on fire with mad love. I’m talking about being so full of Divine Feminine Force we must find an outlet for Her, she must breathe and express through us in the ways that are most organic to our passionate natures. No more lies, my friends. We live our truth. NOW.

I’m no longer a ‘good little church girl’ or a child living under the fear of my parents’ experience and programming (and it was the same for them, so no blame here). I’m a grown woman who is coming into a place of understanding what this is about. And the answer is not ‘sex.’ Nor is it about insecurities that lead to needing sex and male attention to be ok. It’s not about my father leaving when I was five. I have done the work and healed those places in myself – and yet this flame of passion and desire remains. It’s about longing to feel Sacred Love so fully and completely we experience it in every way possible. For me, for my contract in this life, for the energies I carry in this time and place, that’s connected to a hunger to connect with Her so intimately, so passionately, so completely that She is whispering to me of that which stirs my senses. And I must answer Her NOW.

heart-on-fire

The day I asked my teacher that question, with an open innocence and more than a little confusion, the only reply was something like ‘my dear, it would take me hours to explain that to you.’ This being who exhibited such a fiery passion, perhaps the first real mystic I’d ever met and known in my life, who left me feeling the heated flames in every cell of my body – had no answer for me. It left me bewildered. I realize now, I had to find the answer myself. I had to come to this place where I was healed enough, mature enough–OPEN enough to receive the truth. And I don’t mind telling you that although I’m sharing my heart here, there remains a small thread of trepidation in doing so around this subject and in such a personal way. And because of that, I sense there is still a shred of ‘safe’ in this telling as well–for now.

When many mystics felt the Divine, they literally felt turned on, erotically speaking. ~ Sera Beak

So with great anticipation I’m going to read this book, because it calls to me, it makes me weep sometimes with the recognition of myself in this ‘Heretic’s Love Story.’ For there are reflections of my own inner truth glaring back at me. There is a beautiful release and inner knowing that accompanies my desire to be free of the old programming. One by one, I feel the lies unraveling inside of me….

I don’t believe for a moment there aren’t some of you feel your own pang of knowing as you read this. I know there are so many of us who have been quieted, who have turned our feelings down, stifled our passion away in a safe, neat box. But although She whispers still, there is a beautiful, awakening ROAR that lurks in the shadows. It is there, beloveds, that we find our purest selves, liberated by our truth, our fires, our willingness to be alive in it, expressing Her in whatever way She desires. I’d love to hear your stories…..

If you wish, I invite you to consider joining a free Sacred Circle Retreats call later today Your Succulent Chakras. This is a bold step for me in my work, but with the confidence and passion of my collaborator Lynn Jaussi, I feel a whole new space opening up. You can also listen to the replay at any time using the same link. 

I’m also very passionate about my ‘baby,’ the AWAKENING WOMAN series about to begin. This has been part of my vision, and although perhaps a bit more tame, it will still ignite the fires that burn in the depths of your being. 

 

 

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An Unexpected Call

It was an odd day yesterday. As I shared with my intimate circle of women, there was a restless energy creeping up all around me, actually from inside. My resident ‘screaming woman’ began to make her presence known, signaling something was for sure out of balance from the depths of my being.

My dear, beloved soul friend Joss suggested a bit of music and a practice of moving my body–DANCE. The resistance was immediate, my inner Wild Woman beckoned me, but that old familiar quicksand holding me in place. I’m blessed to have had a beautiful space in which to voice all that I was feeling, to process it, to allow it and to move through it. She had her way with me, this Wild Woman Divine Feminine, and together we lit candles and prepared to dance.

This type of being with myself hasn’t been part of my life in quite this way, so as you might imagine, felt a bit uncomfortable in places. The music, my mind began to focus on finding the right music. Something sensual that inspired a release and letting go, that allowed my body to take over and my thinking self to sink into the background. Ray Lamontagne–my sister loves his style, ‘soulful’ she calls it–ok for a moment, but no, the energy just wasn’t moving, my thoughts remained at the forefront. I tried several other options that seemed as though they should have done the ‘trick’–whirling dervish music, my favorite Jimmy Buffet and a couple other styles. Nothing. Frustration began to set in, and of course that intellect was pleased with the outcome. ‘Told you so.’

dancePausing, I stopped to check in with what I’ve always loved. What used to inspire me to get up and move? What were the songs I would love to sing out loud and just had to feel the rhythm of their energy? Madonna. Always a love of mine. It seemed silly, but ok, I gave it a try. The Madonnna-ish radio station on my tablet began with a Gloria Estafan song and my body knew just what to do. She moved in ways I didn’t expect–not a sultry, sensual unleashing, but a Wild Woman-feel-every-beat-and-just-let-go response. I was quite taken aback and just let myself go with it, tensions melting away.

The AHA! moment that came was this: it wasn’t about allowing my body–giving her permission–to be sexy. It was about dissolving restrictions to just simply moving to the rhythm because of her fear she might be perceived as ‘too sexy,’ too much of all those ugly words we’ve heard said about a beautiful, alluring woman. It wasn’t about whether I was that or not, but about transcending those old patterns and just FEELING into it. It was quite welcomed to just move, to just be, to allow and to not have a care of how it looked or might be perceived.

For too long we’ve held these fears tight to our heartspace, suffocating our spirits, clogging up the intuitive channels of our body’s language and wisdom. It was such a beautiful experience, very different from what I would have ‘written’ for myself. Some of my learned yoga poses (there is much to this occurring, too much to share here) even came into play and felt magnificently empowering in every cell.

This is the spirit, the energy, the call of the Wild Woman. To be and honor who we are. We’ve restricted ourselves and then written a story about who we are that we can’t possibly live up to, mostly because it’s not our authentic truth. My commitment to 2014 is to release the untruths about myself–from within–and to integrate the authentic pieces of who I am even more.

I’d love to hear your Wild Woman stories – whether you are male or female, because this goes beyond gender specifications. Whether from your own experience or something you’ve witnessed. And I’d love for you to consider how you might honor the Wild Spirit you carry within the entirety of your being. She presents differently on each one of us, and yet at the core, She is the very same Presence we are each tuning in to.

I’m reminded of my own commitment to Dance Out of Control….

“living eulogy.
she danced.
she sang. she took.
she gave.
she loved.
she created.
she dissented. she enlivened.
she saw. she grew. she sweated.
she changed.
she learned. she laughed.
she shed her skin.
she bled on the pages of her days,
she walked through walls,
she lived with intention.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher

Woman’s Wildest Sexuality

“In the sacred, the obscene, the sexual, there is always a wild laugh waiting, a short passage of silent laughter, or crone-nasty laughter, or the wheeze that is a laugh, or the laugh that is wild and animal, or the trill that is like a run on the musical scale. Laughter is a hidden side of women’s sexuality; it is physical, elemental, passionate, vitalizing, and therefore arousing. It is a kind of sexuality that does not have a goal, as does genital arousal. It is a sexuality of joy, just for the moment, a true sensual love that flies free and lives and dies and lives again on its own energy. It is sacred because it is so healing. It is sensual for it awakens the body and the emotions. It is sexual because it is exiting and causes waves of pleasure. It is not one-dimensional, for laughter is something one shares with oneself as well as with many others. It is a woman’s wildest sexuality.” — Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

 Marilyn laughing

I love this quote because we don’t always consider our laughter a part of our sensual energies, something that is wild and sexy about us. And yet, the expression of our most raw emotions including laughter is the beautiful fluid presence of the Divine Feminine. I’m curious, when you read the post above, what reaction you feel within yourself–are you open and feeling the radiant glow of your inner fires? Let us welcome in the true sensual love and sacredness of joy and laughter in our lives as we move into 2014. May we each expand into the beauty, grace and sensuality of who we are and savor every moment of our lives in a whole new way. Much love to you…xoxo

Sacred Sensuality

Sensual feminineSensuality. Ecstasy. Pleasure. Sexuality. Voluptuous. Alluring. Mesmerizing. Passionate. 

I’m curious what each of these words makes you feel. Uncomfortable–even subtly for a moment? Perhaps only in that we are speaking them openly. For in truth, some part of each one of us relates to and is drawn to these words and to all they represent. It’s the nature of who we are. Yes–as human beings, but also as these spiritual beings come here to experience all this life has to offer us. Somewhere along the way, we’ve taken on that our sexuality is meant to be expressed only in private. We aren’t supposed to be sexy or flirty. Pursuing our pleasures has been portrayed as sinful, against what is true and pure. We’ve come to believe that if in fact we want to become enlightened, to really connect with our own perception of ‘god’ then we must curb our appetites, else we are searching for something that is ‘missing’ in our lives. If we love food too much, love sex too much, love being filled with our most carnal passions–then we have strayed from the rigid laws of what it is to be Christian or even spiritual.

This topic has long plagued me personally. I’ve come here on many occasions to write about it, only to abandon mid-post because I just couldn’t get myself comfortable enough to crack the window and begin the conversation. And yet – I feel I have so much to share, so much to say about it. I feel we each do. We have experiences that have molded our beliefs, our behaviors, but we also have a deep, deep desire to talk openly about who we are and what we love about this life, about each other, in a way that is so open and vulnerable it feels contrary to our ‘safe’ zone.

What I can see from here is that I have been terrified of being seen, of saying I am a woman and I have a deep, deep longing to connect. I am sexual in every bone of my body and I no longer want to pretend I am not, or keep that quiet and hidden. I love to feel the heightened state of being that comes with feeling sexy about myself–just because I do, not because it’s in the ‘right’ place of the marriage bedroom. I want to let every impulse flow freely, to feel every ounce of my feminine energy, intuiting it’s part of being spiritual rather than a weight of my humanity. No more.

This is the tip of the iceberg, my friends. So much I want to talk with you about: sacred sexuality, healthy perception of oneself, feminine beauty and grace, divine sensuality. These are not mere ‘human’ feelings or cravings, but are driven by something much deeper. We LONG to connect with the sacred, to merge with the Divine. We are aching to feel that fire in the most intimate physical space of our bodies. And if we turn off the feelings and desires of our physical bodies, that impacts the energetic and emotional bodies as well. They are one, there is no separation between each layer of who we are. We are given physical pleasures as part of the Divine human/soul/spirit journey. The separation is only illusion. And it’s time to start talking about it, to start feeling into it, allowing the allure of who we are to penetrate every cell of our knowing, our feeling, our connecting and intuiting. This is the sacred marriage: masculine/feminine, human/spirit, body/soul. We are here to experience it in its fullness. No more censoring.

This, my friends, is just the start of a very long conversation….and I invite you to share your thoughts.

When a woman is in touch with her unbounded ecstasy, her infinite capacity for love and her clairvoyant potential, she will be ripe and ready to give birth to a world where life overflows with joy, dance, song, love and beauty. I see such a world on the horizon. It will happen as soon as a critical mass of women wake up to the power of the divine feminine. ~ Tantra and the Divine Feminine by Mahasatvaa Ananda Sarita

 

Finding Her Way Back

I lost her…..

 

Carefree, living with wild abandon

Without a care of what lies beyond in the shadows

She once ran free

Unaware of what it could mean to be ‘liberated’

 

There was no book of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’

No expectations of how to be

She already knew who she was

No need to ‘peel the layers’

 

But little by little she slipped away

…..by ‘don’t do this’ or ‘stop that’

Disapproval in the eyes of others

Sending her fire deep into hiding

 

Bit by bit her body became the enemy

Impulses to move with abandon beat into submission

Heat of her passion drowned out

Covered in shame, guilt, fear

 

She lost herself then

And all too soon she was gone

Replaced by this glorious model of perfection

So pleased to impress the ones who ‘mattered’

 

Ugly words, whispering, accusations

Seeping deep into her cells

Redefining her sense of her self

Quietly draining every last bit of resistance

 

But the story goes on….

 

Georgia O'Keefe, Red Canna
Georgia O’Keefe, Red Canna

She’s breathing again, calling her self back

Remembering the essence of who she is

Drawing Life Force deep into her soul

Beckoning Earth, Fire, Wind and Water

 

To WAKE HER UP, to stir her senses

She is WOMAN

Sensual, voluptuous, Feminine

Strong in her power

 

No longer a young maiden

Cheapened by the opinions of others

She stands with her head high

Body erect, beloved and regal

 

Finding her way back

Reclaiming all of who she is

Ferocious rebel yell

From the fire in her belly

 

The language of love–

She understands now

Takes many forms

Claims many hearts

 

Love finds her own way

Carving a path unique to her quest

Void of approval, yet rich with grace

Asking only that we open to her probing entry

 

She lost herself once

And for far too long

But the signs are all there

Soliciting return, imploring reply

 

And so comes her answer

Steeped in sweet surrender

And a quieting of all she has been told…..

 

‘Yes….yes. Yes I am here, open, willing, answering to LOVE.’

 

 

 

Call of the Divine Feminine

This is an edited version of my original poem ‘Essence of a Woman.’ It still moves me, and indeed is still moving within me. I find myself – and those around me – opening more and more to allow who we truly are. We are embracing the sacredness of our sensuality, the fire of what it is to be a woman in this time. We are reflections of the Goddess, and ours is to invoke healing on behalf of ourselves, all who came before us and will walk this planet after us. Much love, my friends. xo

Every woman is beautiful.

She is the embodiment of the Divine Feminine. A Goddess in human form.

A warmth emanates from deep within her being, seeking out those who need most the heat of Compassion, Nurturing, Love.

Champion of one who cries out, opening herself fully as Mother; arms outstretched to enfold and soothe even the subtlest of discomforts.

A call comes to her from the Cosmos, to remember who She is; to honor the sacredness of her spirit.

*

A woman is one who moves with effortless grace. One step can move the hearts of many, beckoning us to want more, to seek the Source of our deepest desires.

When she is confident in the fullness of her being, she glows with a fire that cannot be dowsed, igniting the spark in all who surround her.

She exudes a sensuality, breathing heavy beneath the surface of  normal routine. 

Moving through her day, honoring the tasks  before her, she gives herself fully to the world around her.

And yet, there is a longing, a deeper truth that defines who she is.

*

A woman treasures her own integrity above all else. When she speaks, each word holds her own truth.

She sees the light in others, understanding it is but a reflection of that which she carries within herself.

Because she understands we are ALL Divine, she honors all Life.

A woman lives in the power of I AM, allowing her inner sacred power to guide her way.

She whispers words of wisdom, received through connection with Spirit and self awareness.

Beauty to behold, her very presence calls forth the awakening of every sense.

With the marriage of softness and ferocity she is Lioness of her realm and pride.

Quiet subtlety moves her onward, lending to her the instinct of how to move next.

These are her qualities. This is her inherited place on Earth.

*

One cannot overlook the splendor of her form, for it is the gift bestowed upon her from the Heavens.

Vast oceans filled with promise can be seen in her eyes.

Kisses of the sacred flow from her lips.

Hair falls over her breasts  as though it is the arms of love reaching out and drawing us inward.

A beckoning comes through the swing of her hips, calling to us to open ourselves fully to the ecstasy that awaits.

Gentleness of her touch, felt as the heat of Divine Feminine energy.

*

She is unto herself, yet deeply connected to the ancient sacred energies of this Earth and the cosmos.

She stands strong throughout the course of time, even as history sought to bring her down.

She is strong, courageous, willing to stand firm in the beliefs of her heart.

She will fight to the death for those she loves and what she treasures most.

*

The essence of a woman is to serve as the chalice, the doorway and opening into a world unseen–yet longing to be felt to the core of one’s being.

Sexually, sensually, intimately she is the siren of Divine connection–medium uniting human and soul.

Object of our desires, the radiant being of our dreams.

SHE is the Goddess. The Feminine.

Voice of our soul, the relentless beckoning to go deeper, open ourselves fully and let the walls come down so that we may enter a space of sacred ecstasy and Divine Presence.

*

I AM Woman.

She is ME. She is YOU.

She surrounds you, calls to you, aches for you.

Will you answer my friends? Can you become THAT vulnerable?

Are you willing to stand naked with only your soul to bare?

This is the call of the Divine Feminine. These are the whispers of the sacred.

Mystic Without a Monastery

Yesterday’s post left me wanting….to say more, to share more, to open those spaces that live so deep inside ourselves we live in too much fear of what might happen when we open them up. Time was short, I felt I had much to say, and while in the middle of writing I realized I was touching upon bits and pieces that truly were an entire sharing of their own. It’s one of those times when it felt as though many threads were lined up waiting for their turn to be woven into the written story, only to find themselves all jumbled up into one great ball of ‘stuff.’

I’m not sure just where to go from there, how to unwind it all, approaching each piece as its own even while maintaining some semblance of Flow. So that’s it, isn’t it? Flow. Let go of trying to make sense of it all and allow IT to move ME. Become as the reed that moves with the wind or downstream with the river’s currents, and allow myself to become One with the Flow.

It was an odd thing to share some of the intimacy of my own sacred connection. And yet, what you cannot realize is how much the discomfort has loosened since it began to really push its way into my expression earlier this year. I believe we fear it somehow–the intensity of communing with the Divine. To me it feels like it would be okay if I were a nun in a convent somewhere, safe–normal, part of everyone else who felt the way I did. It would be natural there, then wouldn’t it? Acceptable, expected. But out here in this world, to love so deeply, to desire so profoundly to be merged with a Presence that calms every cell in our being–well, that just feels a little bit strange to be sharing ‘out loud.’ But what I’m sensing is that more and more of us are experiencing this aching sensation. We are answering the call to listen to the longing that comes from within.

From the very first time I heard of St. Teresa of Avila I was drawn to her. Something about her deep love of her Beloved, her ecstatic experiences of becoming one in ways we don’t speak of in our world resonated. It happened years before when watching Agnes of God. Agnes wasn’t afraid or embarrassed to say how much she loved God, even as she was inexplicably pregnant with His child. Her energy, the vulnerability with which she expressed her deep desire to be one with the Divine spoke to me even though I would have been just 14 years old. What does one do with such devotion?

I find myself again feeling many posts on this topic and perhaps a little jumbled as the words rush forward all at once, and to me it feels as though I’ve opened a dialogue that has been anxiously waiting to begin. What happens to us when we carry such deep, deep longing for intimate connection with the Beloved? How do we come to reconcile that in our lives, and what are the substitutes that fill the void? This very question has framed so much of my own journey, without my even being aware of it even while it happened.

I believe many of us carry the ache in our souls, but not everyone feels it in the same way. Different energies accompany us on our way, determining just how we play out our purpose on this planet. There’s much I’d like to explore on this topic, and I hope you’ll take the journey with me and share your own experience. For those of us who feel the profound longing, we are in today’s world ‘mystics without monasteries’ in the words of Caroline Myss. We are living in a time when the energy of the mystic is needed in the everyday places of our world, in our families, with our friends, our workplaces, around the globe and in our own homes. It’s time to let the voices be heard, to live it out loud. THIS is our time. Time to allow the Beloved to be seen, felt and heard through us, as us, ONE with us. The merging has begun. And I pray for clarity and eloquence as we continue the dialogue together.