I Fell in Love With My Ovaries Today

We’ve lost the art of loving ourselves through the ages of time and patriarchy. Rather than wholeheartedly embracing and feeling the power, the beauty, the grace, the majesty of our bodies, we began to shut it all down placing our Life Force on hold. We shrank inside ourselves as all ways of the Divine Feminine were silenced in fear and shame.

I’ve been listening to a series entitled Female Sexual Soul Healing offered by Leyolah Antara of Kundalini Dance – and to say it’s transforming would be a huge understatement. The session I listened to today was ‘Ovaries.’

I’m not sure many of us have ever connected with our bodies in this deep way – to feel, sense, love and feel loved by the energetic and physical matter of who we are. It’s not simply about a body part, but all the experiences, energies, exchanges, beliefs, patterns and subsequent reinforcements they carry. When we open into relationship with our body, with our sexual organs specifically, we unlock a power that has for most of us, been hushed and darkened our entire lives.

Sensual Feminine

In a deephearted conversation with one I love last night, I heard myself saying – owning – fervently out loud ‘I MATTER.’ It’s not a statement we’re prone to allowing ourselves to feel in its fullness, nor to dare speak aloud. It carries old vibrations of selfishness and believing we’re better than we really are. Not so in the ovarian palace. In this space of a woman’s body there is a regal worship and honoring of all she is. Her intuitive senses are embraced, cherished and held in the highest regard. Her worth as a woman radiates with crystal clarity. Her presence and grace in this world, her ability to bring love and healing through her very own Life Force breathes a power that is both understood and wholly welcomed and loved here.

This series is changing me, cleansing me of what has been stored in my body, my dna, and the energetic and physical bodies of women for lifetimes. It’s potent, and with each of the 11 sessions moves deeper and deeper into the heart of what it is to embody, to immerse ourselves in the Divine Feminine. I’m only at the halfway point and there is a stirring in my being that is outside anything my mind could begin to conjure up or create. The energy is real, the healing so very gentle with a cosmic expansion of our purest essence and holy presence.

Today I fell in love with my ovaries as though we were meeting for the first time. I saw and felt their love, their beauty, and the pulsing, sacred breath of life they are. I experienced their connection to my heart, my womb (center of the ovarian palace) and my creativity. These sessions are a sinking into who we are as women, not only from the ancient threads of our existence, but through this moment in time where even more of our feminine creativity, love, healing and compassion are present and available to us.

I’ve seen several offerings from Leyolah over these last few years, and even felt a pull to a couple; albeit a pull that never fully drew me in. Upon reading about and feeling into this series, I was immediately compelled to take part. My 21 days will be stretched over time, and sometimes I listen to the sessions out of order – honoring my intuitive senses and the pull of my own body. This – the beauty and art of being a woman, of listening and responding ever so gently and lovingly to the call of our own inner truth – this is the inner alchemy in which I am immersing myself completely.

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Pierced by Love

My first vision of pure, holy love was witnessing mystic Andrew Harvey as he passionately spoke of the Sacred Feminine. I believe that was my introduction to ‘HER’ as well. My whole body felt his fire, the Sacred Heart energy so very new to me – and yet, not. Feeling the passion and ardent love Andrew has for Her awakened something very potent inside my being. That was nearly 10 years ago. Since that time, I’ve carried the sensation and vision of the Sacred Heart in my being, knowing that mystical, burning fire smolders and flames within me, too.

There’s a very distinct difference between what we have for so long *known and are now truly sinking into and FEELING on a whole new level. I wrote about an emptiness over two weeks ago. The energy has amped up since that time, with the last two weeks feeling like a continual state of what I was perceiving as sadness. Last night, a deeper awareness crept into my being, and I understood this is not sadness, but a Sacred Tenderness. A piercing of my heart over and over again.

Bernini's St. Teresa in Ecstasy
Bernini’s St. Teresa in Ecstasy

Perhaps St. Teresa of Avila describes it best with her words in St. Teresa of Avila: The Book of My Life:

I saw an angel in bodily form standing very close to me on my left side…

The angel was not large; he was quite small and very beautiful. His face was so lit up by flame that I thought he must belong to the highest order of angels, who are made entirely of fire. He didn’t tell me his name…

I saw that he held a great golden spear. The end of the iron tip seemed to be on fire. Then the angel plunged the flaming spear through my heart again and again until it penetrated my innermost core. 

When he withdrew it, I felt like he was carrying the deepest part of me away with him. He left me utterly consumed with the love of God. The pain was so intense that it made me moan. The sweetness this anguish carries with it is so bountiful that I could never wish for it to cease. The soul will not be content with anything less than God. 

I’ve known of this, heard of this, read of this. I’m now experiencing this. Tears that come even when there isn’t a circumstance in life to prompt them. Love that expands so huge in my heart I am broken with its sensation. Several of the women in my circles – and a few men, too – are sharing awareness of an expansion that is occurring in present time. Each feels it differently. Some are increasing their psychic abilities, others are sinking deeper into their gift of loving unconditionally. For me, it’s the fire of passion that stirs deep within. The sensation of falling in love – deep, passionate love – over and over again. My greatest gift for myself and others is more and more becoming speaking my heart, openly, without apology and without fear of how I may be perceived. Sacred Love. The Sacred Heart. Tenderness that runs so deep, it’s as Teresa felt it to be – a piercing over and over again that penetrates to the very core.

I’m curious how you may be experiencing this opening in your own energy and frequency. Would love to hear your stories here or over on Facebook – Kissing the Sacred.

Her Invitation

Just a week ago a friend indicated that I was keeping myself a bit in the background with my work through Sacred Circle Retreats. Well, she more than indicated – she flat out said so. I could feel she was right, however replied that I’m not feeling called to lead any particular groups or bring something through that space as a guide myself. And I meant it.

Within about three days time, that all came to a screeching HALT! Very little of what felt like actual effort occurred, although some very powerful, Sacred-Feminine-infused conversations transpired and Viola! – I’m now preparing to lead my first ever ‘event.’ My mind, that old recording we all have, wants to keep butting in: ‘Ahem, shouldn’t you be nervous? Do you really think you have something to say about this? Are you even going to be able to keep your thoughts and your self together? You’re terrified of your own voice. Seriously?!’ Nothing happens. No freak out, no physical response from my body to include heart palpitations, sweating in my armpits – NOTHING. She cannot and does not validate that old story. Because it’s no longer true.

'Spiritually Centered' by Karen Zima
‘Spiritually Centered’ by Karen Zima

What IS true is that I’m very excited about this. As soon as I said yes to Her invitation to step out, to speak up, to let my heart’s whispers take the lead, there was a very clear guiding path laid out before me. I could see and feel Her so clearly, illuminating from the center of my soul.

As part of the Awakening Woman series that has been so much of my vision for several years now, I’ll be joining this gorgeous group of five women (now six) and the stories and gifts they have to share. Not only will my senses be stirred through each one of them, but I will bring that inner stirring to those who are present and taking part. The focus for my session is (uhuh, you guessed it) sensuality. And the deeper I delve into this truth through my own body’s wisdom and ancient knowing, the more I discover this is NOT about sex. For too long, sensuality has become synonymous with ‘dirty’ sexuality. I was shocked and disgusted to find these definitions of sensual on Dictionary.com:

sen·su·al

adjective

1. pertaining to, inclined to, or preoccupied with the gratification of the senses or appetites; carnal;fleshly.
2. lacking in moral restraints; lewd or unchaste.
3. arousing or exciting the senses or appetites.
4. worldly; materialistic; irreligious.

 
The most accurate description here is #3, and even that does the true essence of sensual very little justice. It’s time for us to speak up in favor of what our hearts, our souls, our bodies know to be true. Sensuality is not a dirty word. There is a fire and a beauty intermingling in my being around this conversation, and I’m very much looking forward to radiating on Her behalf in my upcoming session: Invoking HER Sensuality.

All are welcome to join, if you feel so called. I’m elated to be offering this series and my own personal contribution. Our world needs to remember, we need to dissolve the programming we feel from the patriarchal energies–both within and without. It’s our time, Beloveds. It’s our time….

Details on Awakening Woman:
Crossing the Drawbridge article posted today
Awakening Woman Event Page 

A Decluttered Soul

As I listened today to Shelly Wilson and Sera Beak sharing a discussion, there was a very pronounced heart whisper–or perhaps more than a whisper–that came through loud and clear:

DECLUTTER

Yes, we all (mostly) know about the energetic benefits of decluttering our homes, cleaning out closets, drawers and other such spaces on a regular occasion. This is good for our physical and mental well-being, but also signifies making room for something new to come into your life and not holding onto ‘stuff’ no longer needed. Okay, I get that and it seems like it’s a bit of old news by now. We all understand.

This was different though. Sera was talking about making room for the soul to talk to us.

Declutter the Soul

Personally, I’m realizing–or remembering–some pretty significant things about myself, that are very true to my soul, to who I am and what I bring into and receive from this lifetime. As the path continues and I take each step, there are pieces that seem to be naturally ‘shedding’ and just falling away. It’s not even painful – it just IS. And as it’s happening, it’s so obvious there’s no chance of second guessing.

A Decluttered Soul

Thanks to Pinterest's Rebecca Minkoff for her gorgeous note.
Thanks to Pinterest’s Rebecca Minkoff for her gorgeous note.

That’s what I want.

I want to create space for my soul to breathe, to flush and flourish.

I want to give her elation in every ecstatic moment and quiet reverence for every tear shed.

I want to spread before her a gorgeous buffet of passions as she soothes her fiery appetite.

I want to dislodge antiquated beliefs in favor of her residence within the walls of my own glistening castle.

I want to lie beside her as together we make love with the Sacred.

These are the whispers of my heart…..

A Decluttered Soul.

Asking for Help

Who knew asking for help could be such an intricate, loaded action to take? When on the receiving end of the question – having someone you know or care about asking you for help, it seems so much simpler. Most often we are open hearted, willing and happy to provide an infusion of love and support to others. But then when it’s time for us to feel vulnerable enough to say “I need your help” – we struggle so. As I check in with myself to see what comes to the surface with that statement I feel inadequacy, helplessness, lack of strength and ability–perhaps even the sense of DISability, which feels like a negative implication in our society.

And yet, we are created to work together, to need the love and support of others and especially to want to give our love as well. We have an innate desire to be of service, and when balanced with our own personal boundaries, receive immense gratification from doing so. As I’m working with Fay Hart in her Indiegogo campaign, I’m continually processing these feelings of how it will look and feel to ask for help. I would easily tell someone else that it’s ok to ask, that people can decide for themselves what they feel and how they wish to respond. And yet, when it’s me doing the asking, there is a recurrence of fear-based thoughts that wonder how it will look, what people will think of me, if they’ll be offended, if it’s ok with them. When in reality, all I need to do is turn inward and be very clear on my desire and intention.

And so, my dear friends, I’m asking for your help in supporting ME as I work with Fay to make her dream come true. We’re using Indiegogo as a crowdfunding platform, meaning the funding comes from everyday people like you and me who believe in something and are willing to make a contribution in support of reaching a goal–in this case, to create a beautiful Workbook to accompany the Steps program. the Steps program was created by Fay as part of her work to ease suffering in our world. I wholeheartedly believe in Fay, and I’m asking you to believe in me and lend your energy to our efforts. Every little ‘bit’ helps – whether you can contribute $5 or $1000. And if you aren’t able to or prefer not to contribute financially, you can help us to get the word out by sharing in your own networks–your blog, Facebook, Twitter, emails, word of mouth. I believe we can make this happen – I believe anything is possible. And I know I have the strength and trust within to lay it out on the line and allow the magic to unfold, releasing the binding energy of fear. We’re all in this together, dear friends. xoxo

Learn more about Fay’s campaign. ~ Learn more about Fay Hart & the Steps program through Sacred Circle Retreats and followfay.com

The Art of Allowing

Oh my, it feels as though I have so much to say after not writing here for quite some time. I always know it’s time to return–when I’m having conversations with you all in my mind.

I wonder if you feel what I do at just this time–a great shifting in how Life experiences you, and in turn how you experience it–but in the most subtle of ways. Undoubtedly many of us are continuing to move through the spiral of our own journey, unearthing pieces of ourselves, dismantling layers of beliefs and barriers no longer needed. But what has occurred for me over the last couple of months feels quite extraordinary, in the most simple of ways.

Gorgeous Beach Roses, overlooking the marsh at Moody, Maine.
Gorgeous Beach Roses, overlooking the marsh at Moody, Maine.

It’s the first time–EVER–I was on my own for a few weeks this summer, and it was extraordinary. My husband’s father passed away three years ago, and his mother just this January. That leaves my husband as the ‘elder’ in his family, which in itself is quite surreal. There were two properties to be managed – her home to be sorted through, cleaned out and put on the market to sell – and a family cottage on the coast of Maine to be transferred into our ownership and oversight as it’s also a rental property. A friend and I traveled together up to New England and spent a week cleaning, packing, making repairs in the home to be sold. Our time together was filled with laughter, lots of dust and we even managed to get in a few nights out on the town. She then went on to visit family in Canada and I spent the next week by myself at the beach cottage.

I don’t quite have all the words to describe this experience, but I know it changed me in ways I’m not yet aware. When I met my husband nearly 22 years ago, we fell in love and married within less than a year. I moved from my parents’ home to his. So being in this sacred place I love so much and having it all to myself as the energetic shift in ownership occurred was a beautiful gift. I loved every minute. My dear friend Joss unknowingly spoke what’s true in my heart – Moody Beach is a healing space for me. In years past, it has felt very much in my awareness. This year, it was much more as though I was simply allowing myself to love each moment for what it was. There wasn’t anything BIG or earth-shattering that I felt or recognized inwardly. The movement has been subtle, beautiful, gentle. And I feel that is the energy currently settling into our consciousness as the old paradigm of fear and ‘doing the right thing’ march silently out of focus.

There’s so much I could say, but I do tend to write long posts already, so will try to simplify. I have witnessed the delicate grace having a similar impact on several occasions–moving my spirit when I wasn’t even aware it was happening. First, after a week by myself, I was uncertain if I was ready for my family to arrive. We return to Moody Beach each summer – sometimes just my husband and I, other times the kids will go with us; this year everyone journeyed north. They would fly in on Tuesday, but Sunday evening and even a bit on Monday morning I was concerned I might not be so happy to see them. A gentle breeze of grace shifted my feelings as Monday went on – and I felt a bit lonely accompanied by a longing to connect with my family. When they landed on Tuesday, my heart leapt with joy to see these amazing beings who chose me for their wife and mother.  I felt – and still do – quite amazed with how my emotions and heart moved just as was needed in those moments.

On a brilliantly warm and sunny Friday afternoon, I walked to the nearby marsh to find a large flock of geese enjoying the high tide. They reminded me....'you do not have to be good.'
On a brilliantly warm and sunny Friday afternoon, I walked to the nearby marsh to find a large flock of geese enjoying the high tide. They reminded me….’you do not have to be good.’

Similar experiences happened when it was time for the kids to go, for us to come home from the beach and most recently with my work. My husband and I would spend the remaining week together in New England, and although I so looked forward to that, I felt pangs of grief as I watched my children walk towards their gate for the flight home. When we traveled back home to Atlanta over two days’ journey, I wasn’t so sure coming ‘home’ would be welcome. Halfway through day two, I sensed the shift and desire to be in my beautiful Atlanta HOME once again. And with Sacred Circle Retreats – upon leaving closing out our Spring Program in May, I felt burnt out, unsure about continuing this forward. That feeling of uncertainty seemed to increase as my distance from the work and community did. Just a few weeks ago I wondered if I would be canceling the Fall Program because my heart was no longer in it. My friend and mentor Fay Hart is always talking about miracles and how they are everywhere. I’m convinced a miracle occurred because the passion for this work, for our Fall Program and the women with whom I’m so honored to work has only grown immensely over the last few weeks and I’m elated to launch our new series of events this evening.

Two quotes come to me in closing. The first I read just this morning and shared on the Sacred Circle Retreats FB page, which then led me to write this post (finally!):

Nonresistance is the key to the greatest power in the universe. Through it, consciousness (spirit) is freed from its imprisonment in form. ~ Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

The second seems to sum up my summer retreat (because for me it WAS a retreat, they come in many forms, my friends):

You do not have to be good…..
You have only to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. ~ Mary Oliver, Wild Geese poem

Chalice of the Sacred

What does it mean to open my heart? To hear only the rhythm of my own mind, body and spirit in union, not to become absorbed by the voice and false beauty of illusion. To hold receptors of light that shine Divine healing into this world. 

Teach me the grace and beauty of walking my own path. 

Sitting in your chapel today for our last ritual, I felt your spirit so deeply. The sacred heart quickened the pace of my own heart, creating a flutter of birth within–that of the heart opening. I feel your presence so strong, visualizing the rays of the sacred heart spreading as the rays began to grow from my own heart. My legs, too, began to quiver as your sacredness penetrated my being. I was immovable from the energy connecting our souls. Open my heart–I know the rays are to go out from me–how? To whom? 

As I stepped away from our intimate communion, you touched my soul with the light of knowing. You spoke to me softly with the voice of awareness: ‘This child, this is why they are in your life, for the healing you have known they needed and now will bring to them by your light, your words, your knowing. You are their healer–by the grace and light I shine through your spirit.’ 

 

Chartres Chapel of the Black Madonna
Chartres Chapel of the Black Madonna

These are the words I wrote in my journal July 7, 2006 as I sat before the Black Madonna in her chapel of the Chartres Cathedral and later in the garden nearby. I’m not sure I understood what was happening to my soul–indeed my entire life. Upon returning home a depression set in. I believed that while in Chartres I hadn’t seen and felt the miracles of being in the Presence of sacredness, mostly because I was still measuring by comparison. This is just one excerpt from my journal during that week, and all these years later, I’m in awe of how deeply immersed I was in the Sacred. 

Black Madonna of Chartres Cathedral
Black Madonna of Chartres Cathedral

I left Chartres feeling I was to go home and heal my family. They were who the Black Madonna–Mary–referred to as she talked of my work to love my husband and children, to bring them healing. What it took some time to recognize is that first I was to heal my self. I so longed for the intimacy of connection with the Beloved. My turmoil was in believing it was out of my reach. What I can see now is how much shame and self judgment I carried within–for being a female, for my sexuality, for feeling so disconnected from the sacredness of my being. This, loved ones, requires much healing. 

I’m sharing this intimate passage because as my children have grown and two are now off to college, my life has taken a significant shift. These words take on new meaning as I inquired so long ago. The same question has come back around – open my heart, allow the rays to shine from me, but how and to whom? Only this time around, the years of deep inner work have opened a channel of inner knowing. At this time in my life the call is to serve as a chalice of Divine Feminine energy in a way I could never have imagined, but still, it feels familiar. The birth of Sacred Circle Retreats has occurred, and my work now is allowing the rays of light to be shared in a contemporary fashion. 

We’re no longer mystics living within the walls of convents and monasteries. Our work now is to live in the world and allow our lights to shine amongst the people. My passion is to be of service in this way, opening myself as the bridge between those who offer healing and light, and those who like me, are seekers of how to move into the next step of their journey. Through Sacred Circle Retreats, so many facets of my life, my journey, my soul purpose are coming together in a beautiful harmony, and truly, with very little ‘push.’ It’s all flowing into place, and I must tell you my dear friends, how in awe I am. This woman I’ve become was once someone I could only envy. She is strong, confident, courageous, open, vulnerable and willing to stand amongst her peers, to collaborate as equals and not feel threatened for what she might not be. She has learned how to stand in her soul’s truth and sacred ‘power.’ She understands what it is to answer the call. She leaves me breathless…because she has allowed herself to be moved. What over six years ago was such a struggle–the act of surrender, has now become her soul’s desire. 

We can’t know what the Universe has destined for us. As Oprah said – God has so much more for us than we could ever imagine for ourselves. It’s so much bigger than me, so I know it’s not of me, but of the Divine. I’m elated to be doing this work, in this place, in this way, at this time. I’m fully open and continuing to surrender into the arms of the sacred, for I know I am always loved and held with grace. As each step unfolds, it feels more and more miraculous to be following my heart–and for it to be so much more than I ever thought it could be–and so much easier than I ever would have imagined. This, dear loves, this is the beauty of ‘doing the work,’ putting the time in to allow yourself to heal, to open your heart no matter how terrified you are of what you might find there or feel through your own heartache. And this is why I’m called to serve as a channel for the sacred. xo