Unraveling: ‘Spiritual Healing’ Not Required

It’s been quiet here–you may have noticed. Or perhaps not. This year, 2015, has brought with her many challenges and undoings, my health especially. I learned of my thyroid illness just after the birth of my son – nearly 21 years ago now. There were some times of struggle, but they’ve been in the distant past. Until now.

Discovering how jeopardized my health has been with the current condition of my thyroid was actually both shocking and quite devastating. In the midst of a virus type illness, I had a blood test, only to learn the number which should be around 4 was actually 41. In an instant I felt how deeply (and unconsciously) I’d been fooling myself with the belief my fatigue was due to a very busy autumn and holiday season. The path back to feeling well again feels so much longer than I’d like it to be. My health has been part of my vitality. To suddenly not have that feels foreign and to me.

Unraveling

At the same time I’m maneuvering this new way of loving myself, I’ve also dropped a lot of the labels and roles I felt were mine. They no longer seem to fit. Not because of my health, but alongside it.

What I’m discovering is a new way of being me, of loving me, of allowing myself all that is true. Every ugly emotion, every moment of feeling discouraged or alone, every new path that leads only to me. There are very few who will stand beside you and celebrate who you are outside of the spiritual ‘rules’ of healing yourself, being positive and uplifting, staying in love. Rules and expectations that actually closet pieces of our true nature, our raw emotions.

It occurred to me one afternoon as I rested and wrestled within myself that to so many in what I term the ‘spiritual’ community it might appear as though I’m immune to some deeper issue that is making me sick. Something about unblocking my 5th chakra, changing my diet, cleansing my energy field. We have somehow allowed into our spiritual lives this list of rules by which we are supposed to be living if we are in fact on a path of healing and wholeness. That list includes not being a victim and in some cases, not saying how you truly feel without the disclaimer of ‘but I know it’s all with purpose.’ A disclaimer that too often sets aside our pure (and dark) emotions of frustration, anger, discouragement, heartache. We are celebrated in our becoming. Who will stand at our side through the unbecoming?

In truth – it has to be us – ourselves. It’s not about anyone else understanding or celebrating our individual path. That’s the sharp realization I had that day on the couch. In my own inner dialogue I heard other people’s voices seeming to say ‘you’re not doing anything to heal yourself.’ My own voice respond with a truth that I am healing. Even in lying on the couch, feeling down and without any energy, unable to tap into something ‘sacred’ in my body – even in that moment, I knew, I felt my truth.

In simply being me, in allowing the illness to do its work as it is – I am healing. We forget the value of being much too easily. I find myself sinking deeper into its power as I am able to do less of the daily activities that were just a short bit ago a very big part of my life. The truth that continues to come is I am not who I was even a few months ago. Everything is different. I cannot tell you why or what comes next, I can only speak to where I am in this moment. I know who I am – and yet the question dances in my dreams – who am I now?

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If You Let it Become Your Master

You have to work on the personal wounds behind your personal anger to free the fierce compassion energy and the clarity that anger can give you access to, but can dominate and destroy if you let it become your master. ~ Andrew Harvey

I’m listening to an interview from a few years ago with one of my beloved teachers – mystic and Sacred Activist Andrew Harvey. As he makes the statement above, I feel a tingle of understanding in myself. There are moments when what we naturally ‘know’ in our consciousness is put into words, into something clear and tangible – that AHA moment. As I heard Andrew talk about his own challenge with anger, with letting go of his own personal attachments and justifications around his anger, I related this to my own experience with my sexuality – a vital part of who I am, as his anger is a vital part of his work and who Andrew is.

I believe that what we are here for is unique to each of us individually, and on a grander scale is really about raising the vibration of this planet into one that is pure, cosmic love. We each have our own individual ‘brand’ of what that love feels like, breathes and pulses as within our bodies, within our own consciousness. Our life experiences funnel into that connection, often creating the very rupture that will bring us back to ourselves. For me, there is a trail of interactions, programming, upbringing, self beliefs in which my sexuality, my naturally sensual feminine nature and way of being were simply NOT acceptable. And yet, they were in a state of continual arousal – because who we ARE doesn’t simply go away by being told to do so. It’s innately part of our energetic makeup. For me – sensuality, the erotic nature of the Sacred Feminine are a very significant part of who I am. I cannot simply ‘shut it off,’ although for several years I tried. Who we are will always come back to find us.

shadows in the morning sunThere were personal wounds that required attention. Rather than turn away from those parts of myself, what was most needed was for me to sink INTO them. Not into the pain per se, yet it’s absolutely necessary to FEEL the sensations of that heartache and pain. But to sink into what I had set aside as something ‘wrong’ in me, that part of myself I couldn’t understand.

Until I was able to embrace that part of myself, to give her room to breathe, to allow her to come out and explore who she really is and how her sensual nature would engage this world if given the opportunity – she stayed in the shadows, behind my line of sight. And as long as that was true, the ‘fierce compassion and clarity’ of my true nature were shrouded in the darkness too. We MUST release our wounds, including the lies, the ‘propaganda’ we have come to believe about ourselves, in order to unleash our pure essence. Until I did that, the blinded version of my sensual nature served as master. Unconsciously, of course–that’s the whole point. When we keep who we are in the unconscious state of our awareness, we essentially operate from a place of ignorance about ourselves. I had no idea what to do with this part of myself. And yet, it continued to pulse within me and always made an appearance as simply being about SEX – when that’s not the essence of my sacred sensuality at all. In truth, me falling deeper into my self, loving all of who I am rather than cutting some parts out or making them ‘wrong’ has brought me full circle into being my own master. I serve the beauty of who I am, the Sacred Feminine essence and presence that is me; rather than remain held captive to what I have hidden away out of shame or fear. In truth, in our authentic expression, without judgment, without there being a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ – what do we have to fear about being all of who we are? This, my friends, this fear, this judgment, if you hold onto it, will become your master and will prevent you from the rawness of true intimacy with yourself and others with whom you desire it. Time to drop the shame.

Let’s Talk About Sexy

Sexy. Evokes an array of images doesn’t it? We each have our own perception of what is sexy. It can be anything from a ripe, juicy peach to a wild, erotic experience to a mother who glows while breastfeeding her baby. The general misconception is that sexy is only about a hot body, a sexual position or experience, a scantily clad male or female or something similar.

I’m speaking as a woman who knows she has sex appeal, and I’m going to share what I’ve learned thus far about ‘sexy.’ It isn’t about what you wear or say or do. It isn’t about who your lover is or how good you are in bed. It isn’t about the size of your breasts, the sway or your hips, whether or not you have a six pack that glistens with your shirt off. It isn’t about enticing or seducing others with your ‘ways.’ All of these things can certainly be sexy, but they are not what sexy is. I’ve played with them all and been left disappointed when ‘sexy’ didn’t shine through.

dripping honey

We can’t make ourselves over into sexy. Sexy comes from the inside out, true essence of what it is to be sexy, which is very different from what our culture has come to hold as true. What’s sexy is a woman who loves her own body and isn’t afraid to walk, love and breathe through its senses. What’s sexy is a man who knows how to adore a woman, how to see and hold her sacred as the goddess she is. What’s sexy is a man who can feel his own heart beat, tune in to what he finds there and in his own unique strength and masculinity, let love seduce him. What’s sexy is a woman who understands the nature of her man, becoming his respite from all that he takes on his own world, letting him fall into her whether he knows he needs it or not. And all of this is true between men as lovers together, and women loving women. There are no exclusions to what is love, to what is sacred, to what is sexy.

We’ve limited sex appeal to something that is about flaunting our bodies, our sexuality. In truth it comes through letting our true selves be seen. For some, for me, that is very much present in my body, through my body. For others, it’s in the strength of their hearts, their passion for what they believe in with all of who they are. Sexy doesn’t come when we force it through. It comes when we surrender into what is calling to us, being with what is real, true, pulsing in this very moment. Sexy is a language all its own, a language of heart and soul; and when you feel it being spoken to or through you, there is a beautiful, hot, potent sensation that overcomes your being. A seduction of the senses takes over and guides you into your own wild truth.

As with each of us, sexy comes in all forms, in its own distinct fragrance and presence. Allowing it to consume you as it builds from within – that is sexy. It’s time to sink beyond the outer representations and deeper into the fiery heart space. That’s where our juice lives, where our unraveling begins and continues, revealing more and more of who we truly are. That, my friends, is how we are bringing sexy back – through the sacred, burning heart.

Who I Am

It’s a common enough phrase ‘I finally figured out who I am.’ I even heard it in a conversation with myself. You know–the kind we have quietly inside our own thoughts. But even as it subconsciously drifted through my mind, I felt a simultaneous questioning of whether or not that’s really true for me.

You see, it feels like we’ve for so long been focusing our attention on peeling layers to find our true self. And while I do agree with the benefit of processing to release what is no longer valid in our lives, in our selves, I’m not sure I believe that’s led to me finding this mysterious Jackie hidden underneath. What feels more authentic for me is that the commitment I’ve made to living as a whole, empowered human being has led to me accepting Jackie. I’ve been me all along. I’ve just been apologizing for that in the most subtle of ways. It’s absurd don’t you think–to not be ourselves because someone else might not feel ok about it? I have a very beloved friend with whom I can talk on the deepest of soul levels. We just ‘get’ each other in that place. She for so long carried guilt or shame about being a very fit and attractive woman. Family members made comment about ‘how nice it must be to be that small. I can’t ever remember being that little.’ My friend felt sorry that she was making others feel badly about themselves. All for just simply being. It wasn’t by any effort on her part–she just was. Why do we so naturally feel compelled to make ourselves ‘small’ in order to be ok?

And so it’s about fully accepting ourselves for who we already are rather than striving to become something else. The mystical nature of transformation is that it occurs all on its own, regardless of our efforts. When we surrender into the grace of our already-present and beautiful beingness we open to all possibility, we radiate gratitude and exude the true essence of what it is to be joyful. We feel the abundance in our lives, we see that same element of divine presence in others that we are feeling so fully within ourselves. And our world begins to elevate, rising to meet us.

Rather than asking and searching to answer the question ‘who am I?’ try instead breathing into the statement ‘who I am.’ Much love my friends. xo

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

Authentic: With Emotions on the Floor

Being authentic. Deep in the core of my being, I’m desperate to live in that space. And yet, as I continue to move through my own journey and look inward at the truth of my whole self, the power of the mind becomes increasingly clear. It occurred to me suddenly that in my desire to be authentic, my cleverness has found a way to define what that should look like. (Feeling like I want to say something like ‘AHA–caught you!’ here.)

Authenticity doesn’t have an image. She carries no labels. You won’t find in her purse or wallet a list of rules to remember to live by. There wasn’t any formal training on the proper etiquette, being politically correct, attaining success, dressing in designer clothing or even being a good parent. Authenticity just IS.

One of the best words I found in the thesaurus for authentic is ‘genuine.’ GENUINE. Not ‘pretty, attractive, proper, kind, conscious, organized, generous’ or any of those other words we get ourselves caught up in. GENUINE. To be genuine is to be true to who you are, what you feel; to honor the moment for what it is rather than what someone else or your this-is-how-it-should-look-or-feel mind pulls it together. 

Captured this beautiful image while walking on the greenway nearby. Feels like love shining through.

I found myself in an authentic moment recently, and not the kind that makes one feel a swell of pride in who you are. In a moment of overwhelm–physical and emotional overload, my mouth spoke before my mind caught up with the words. They were out and there was not a thing I could do to bring them back. It wasn’t the words themselves, but the scorn with which they were laced. It was ugly–at least to me. And I felt horrible about it for a while. That voice inside myself went into overdrive trying to bring it all back into order. I apologized, I talked with my life coach about it, I was open with those close to me in my family. Guilt, angst, horror at the way I lost control of myself…all set in. 

But here’s what’s true my friends: being authentic is just that. I was fully authentic in that moment. If you’re reading this, then you’re likely someone who practices your beliefs, who takes seriously this spiritual journey, who craves connection to the sacred. We value consciousness. We strive to live with respect for all Life, to tap into BEing all of who we are. And we sometimes lose focus of what is true. We are all emotional beings. We will experience times in our lives when we feel turned upside down, when we don’t have the level of awareness we might have in another moment, when we simply CANNOT pull ourselves together. We forget: this is part of our authenticity too. It’s not just the ‘nice’ parts. 

I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry the strings wrapped so beautifully around my desire to live more consciously loosened enough to let Jackie’s feeling spill onto the floor in front of everyone. And like you–I’m not always ‘ok.’ I don’t have to be. But what is always true, is that beneath all that – is a space to which I can return where everything IS Divinely beautiful, sacred and at peace. I would love to say I live there, and I can say I am able more and more to get balanced and be in that space. Yet, I continue to be a human being whose job it is to live on this planet and experience the fullness of what She offers. As I allow myself to do so, I invite the sacred to enter more deeply into my being. I awaken my soul to the healing needed, I meet those whom I love on the plane that is this earth. 

This planet is our earth school. In school there are things to learn, ways to grow, relationships to navigate. Each one offers to us a mirror through which to see our full selves. We can either look deeply into the reflection, or we can close our eyes and see ourselves as we wish to see. 

I’m walking forward with eyes wide open. And when I walk into walls anyway, I’ll simply get up and take another step. Love to each of you. xo 

*I would also like to share with you a newly created space: Sacred Circle Retreats. Our first virtual retreat/soul workshop ‘Through the Looking Glass’ will be Sunday, September 23. We invite you to visit us on Facebook and through our website

Staying True

We can’t possibly know what Life will bring to us each day…nor even begin to understand what our response to each moment might be. One note of guidance I would offer: ‘stay true to you.’ 

It’s all too easy to get caught up in what might be best for someone else, how we can make them feel good or better–to see how they need to be more at peace, joy, rest within themselves and attempt to alter our choices in order to assist them in accomplishing that state of being. Yet, no matter what we do for someone else–these are gifts we are unable to give as they truly come from deep within

© Alicepopkorn/Flickr Creative Commons License

Perhaps this is one of Life’s greatest lessons to learn–Honor the beauty and grace that is YOU. I’ve mentioned before that years ago my family said to me to choose what was best for me, and trust that as the mother of my children it would be what is best for them too. The ‘best’ in this case is that which whispers to us from the purity of our own hearts. When we are in tune with that frequency, we position ourselves to follow the Divine guidance being sent to us in each moment. 

We cannot gift well being to others. But what we CAN do is to honor the voice we each carry from within, and through that journey, we will certainly enhance the lives of those around us–whether we are able to see the impact or not. As we allow our own light to shine, we increase the light that shines from those whom we touch. This is truth, my friends. As we choose to heal, we also increase the healing present in those we love. When we are open to the abundance of the Universe, somehow that impacts the abundance flowing into the lives with whom we connect. 

I choose Life, Love, Joy. I choose to honor each emotion that creeps into my awareness without judgment. I choose ‘staying true’ to the fullness of who I am. And I claim the consciousness that my choices do indeed affect the WHOLE. For it is truth that we are indeed ONE. As I stay true to me, I honor the truth that is you. 

May we each allow the Light of who we are to shine brightly. Namaste’, dear ones: I see the light in you. 

Much love. 

Ever Present Reminders

We do in fact connect to our inner truth, our soul’s guidance through the whispers of our hearts. And they do keep coming, even if we ‘miss one’ along the way. But I’d like to focus today on another way that we are always being reminded of who we are and our ability to choose to live authentically.

People and situations will enter our lives on a daily basis, bringing to us the opportunity to reassess what we believe to be true–both from the perspective of our ingrained, tribal beliefs as well as from the reality of our life as it is today. What we have grown up believing as true may not be ‘true’ from this perspective as grown, conscious adults. Too often we continue living in our childhood realities, allowing what was ‘true’ then to color our present.

For example: when we were children, many of us felt ‘bad’ if we upset our parents or other authority figures in our lives. As adults, this can translate into being very cautious about letting ourselves speak out loud, be seen in the fullness of who we are–for fear of upsetting someone we care about or with whom we feel a connection. We revert back to that childhood feeling that we’ve made a mistake and must not upset them. When in reality, we are grown adults with the ability to assess what is true for us today, to tap in to our own inner voice and choose from that space. And that space, my friends, is only about us and our relationship to the Divine.

Our choices as mature, conscious human beings are meant to be guided by our own intuitive knowing and guidance, our personal standard of ethics and the compass of our integrity. This is how we step fully into our power. As long as it’s about someone else’s opinion of our choices, we are always giving our power away, robbing ourselves of our true, beautiful identity as Divine beings.

We have them every day: ‘ever present reminders’ of who we are. They are in the whispers of our hearts and the most ‘ordinary’ moments of our lives.

Love to all..xoxo

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