What IS ‘me?’

Every time I come back here to write, I tell myself the words will all sound the same. And yet, there seems to be an unending cycle at work in my life: seeing that which is no longer ‘me’ and letting it go. It begs the question: What IS me??

I had an interesting experience today–wholly with myself. I’m taking part in an upcoming project of  ‘adopting’ LGBTQ children who are feeling unaccepted and unloved this holiday season. Our daughter is part of this community, and fortunately well loved and received within our family and her community. Many are not so blessed. Upon hearing about the project, I knew instantly I wanted to take part and so have been working on my written and spoken words. Writing has not been a challenge for me–it comes easily. There is a rhythmic flow to the words, they carry their own vibrations of love and grace. But when it came time to read out loud the words I’d written–it didn’t feel so comfortable. For one, the rhythmic flow of my writing seems painfully absent when I’m speaking. All the self-conscious triggers flow in. I was relieved to feel much more at ease reading out loud today than I did the first time I had to speak over a microphone via the web. 

What I found troubling, though, is that my beautifully written heartfelt words felt empty as I voiced them. The magic was gone. I wasn’t flustered or upset, but the Observer within took notice. What resulted was a repeated edit and re-read of my letter, taking out what felt empty–surprisingly some of the sentences that talked about love most prominently. I’ve always been able to write about the deepest feelings of love in my heart, they’re REAL. But when I try to speak them, they fall out misshapen and without emotion behind them. FEAR perhaps? ‘Fluffy’ expression? I’m not certain yet. Thus far, I’m only the Observer in this game of seeing ME.

So I wonder, if you all feel this way at times too. Sometimes I’m frustrated that I don’t just GET there–living fully authentic, feeling at ease in my skin, able to be ME. Ugh. I can feel the angst within myself. And I also know that holding on to that angst and all the feelings that go with it only gives it power to grow. So I’m looking at it. We’re standing here together, my discomfort and me. What I realize now, at this point in writing this post–is that BOTH are part of me. Seeing my discomfort, recognizing and acknowledging the angst rather than railing against it–these bring it into the light. Otherwise it remains tucked away in my shadowy places. 

This is my desire: to allow my voice to speak my truth. Not in a playground bully sort of way. I want to speak my truth with confidence, from a place of authentic expression, infused with benevolent grace and honoring myself and the Life Force present in us all. THAT’s what I want. 

 

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‘Vida Loca’

I’m delighted to be sharing a ‘first’ here on A Heart’s Whispers: Fay Hart has written a guest blog–by request. It’s an honor to have her share in this personal and intimate space, especially as ‘processing’ with Fay has brought about an instrumental shift in my life over the last several months. I love how she so openly shares her own truth, and we become student & teacher to and for one another. There is no pretense of knowing or being more than the client–only that of being a guide to our inner beauty and truth. I’ve learned to respect, listen to and honor my body as a companion and spiritual director of what is true for me…and to release more and more of the subconscious desire to control out of fear.

I invite each of you to take a moment and visit Fay’s uniquely designed website, and to consider sharing an Archangel Reading with her. The changes feel as though they are subtle as you open to the energy of the Divine in working with Fay, and yet the shifts that occur are profound and immediate.  

There is so much I could say to introduce you to this angel who appeared in my life. She is a gifted Poet and Self Awareness Coach, and I’m honored to share with you a glimpse into her own journey. Without further adieu, I give you Fay Hart and a bit of ‘crazy.’ 

VIDA LOCA

“Are you crazy?” was a question I got asked more than once on a recent trip home to Florida, when I told people I live in Mexico. I peered into that thought. ‘Am I crazy?’ I wondered. I looked all the way back through my adventurous life. ‘You must be crazy!’ yelled my brother when he found out I’d hitchhiked to Tuscaloosa to see the Rolling Stones. ‘Are you nuts?’ asked my neighbor when I headed off to London with three hundred bucks and a vague possibility of a boyfriend. ‘You must be mad!’ said my sad college professor when I announced I was declining a teaching position at the uber cool Goldsmith’s College in favour of becoming a postwoman. ‘Maybe I am crazy,’ I concluded. But I remember R.D. Laing, writing about schizophrenic women, suggesting perhaps they weren’t insane but ‘struggling to make sense of a senseless situation’. And a lot of what was so-called normal or sane for women I looked up to sure looked senseless to me. So I followed my heart instead of my head, often winding up in precarious situations, living off my wits, scraping by, fearful and worried but alive and vital and somehow free.

My last great fit of madness, packing up my London life of thirty years to allow something new to happen, brought the same reaction. My gorgeous lover shook his head in disbelief. ‘But it’s insane,’ he said. ‘There’s nowhere to live but London. You can’t live in America, it’s not a country – it’s a whole bloody continent!’ I’ll admit there were nights I cried myself to sleep wishing I could just take it all back – the whole damn thing and just have worked at the phone company for thirty years and be looking forward to a grandmotherly retirement of brownie baking and bingo. But there was no turning back from my vida loca. Throwing myself into the abyss, whole new worlds opened up and I wound up buying a house in Mexico – at a yard sale no less! And now I am on the wildest ride of my life. Living quietly among the gentle Mexican people. Moving ever more deeply into the truth of who I am, who I have always been. And I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy. All the heartache, self-doubt, second thoughts and cold feet that I’ve elbowed my way through as I’ve mustered the courage to act crazy, have revealed themselves to be beautiful gifts, guiding me to my life’s purpose. Along with a traditional university degree, I have a PhD in anxiety, which serves me as I help people face their fears and release limiting belief patterns that prevent them from being peaceful. And I echo the words of Hafiz…

You don’t have to act crazy anymore –

We all know you were good at that

Now retire, my dear,

From all that hard work you do

Of bringing pain to your sweet eyes and heart.

Look in a clear mountain mirror –

See the Beautiful Ancient Warrior

And the Divine elements

You always carry inside…

I would love to hear your thoughts. And please do take a moment to connect with Fay:

Twitter ~ @fayhart101

Facebook ~ FAY

Website ~ followfay.com

Animating ‘Living in the Moment’

It’s so easy to say, to use as a mantra, to teach others.  ‘Stay present in THIS moment.’  Eckhart Tolle has devoted an entire book to it, as have many other spiritual teachers.  We’ve talked about it here in the Spirit Journal.  In order to connect to our greatest potential as humans and spirit beings, it’s essential to remain present, to allow ourselves to be open to all that exists in THIS moment.

This basic, but potent spiritual practice has more and more found a rhythm in my life.  I’ve shared with many of you in various ways the message one of our ministers taught one Sunday nearly 20 years ago: ‘wait to worry.’  Ok, so something is weighing on you, it could be a disaster, painful, expensive, unnerving, etc.  Set aside a time on your calendar in the future just for the worry.  Chances are, the anxiety you’re feeling now will be gone by then.  And it’s the anxiety, stress and worry that remove us from our purest selves…and the potential each moment offers to us to live authentically.

As my ‘work’ has been in transformation of late, remembering to be patient, nurture an open heart and allow whatever the Universe sends my way have all been engaged in a sacred dance within my being.  So many of us feel vulnerable to ‘put ourselves out there,’ to let down the walls and be fully seen for all of who we are. 

In collaborating with scholar, mystic and author of the The Hope Andrew Harvey and the Whispering Energy community, we are focused on heart-centered networking.  This means connecting through the heart, the whispers, the purity of your very presence.  It also means choosing to be open, seen, heard.  Malathy Drew teaches that as you move forward in this work, you will naturally confront your fears and anxieties.  It’s what we choose to do with them that counts.

I’ve seen mine, and have chosen to ‘wait to worry’ about what could potentially be uncomfortable.  In doing so, I sat down last week with Tina van Leuven of Inner Delight to talk about my work, intentions and writing.  Had I put too much thought into it, it would have certainly created an unraveling in my soul, a haunting in my spirit and an absolute panic over my entire being.  Instead, what transpired was a lovely, pure and heartfelt conversation flowing directly from the truth of my soul.  I chose to ‘live in the moment’–to be at one with all that was present in that space for me, for Tina and for all who view the message and connect to their own heart whispers and inner potential.

And so my friends, from someone who has the propensity to be very self-critical and whose journey has been all about allowing her voice to be heard–out loud–I promise you it was so much easier than my mind could have anticipated.  We are our own worst enemy.  And our monkey mind creates turmoil that would else be nonexistent.  I see so very clearly how much personal power was claimed for my spirit through this process.  A tremendous shift has occurred, and I feel more deeply connected to the Divine AND to my Divine self.  This then becomes a ripple effect, extending outward into the world, in ways of which we can’t even be aware. 

This video shares a bit about heart whispers and how we connect to their presence and gifts.  It also signifies an opening….letting ourselves be seen and heard…..connecting authentically to our divinity and sacred presence…..all through listening….to the whispers of our hearts….

Much love.

 

Missing You…Missing Me

These words are from The Wild Pomegranate, a beautifully and poignantly written blog by a friend of mine: 

I find that I’ve been missing my morning writing time.  I’ve missed being in that quiet space in the morning, that creative womb of silence, where inspiration naturally blooms to the sound of a waking world and the clicking of fingernails on a keyboard.

My new moon intention is about finding my creative voice again, which has taken a back seat in recent months.  And, because it’s all about me, it’s all for perfectly selfish reasons, of course.  *laughing*  But in all sincerity, I miss the community I once enjoyed in Blogland – the daily (or almost so) interaction with like minded people who bring so much joy, inspiration, companionship and “I get you!” into my life.   Ah, there we have it – the “real” issue, I guess:  I miss being around people that “Get” me.

I’ve missed you!  You who find that what I have to say has value and import, who understand that I am a multidimensional human spirit who will not be squeezed into a box or a label or a “position”, and who cheer me on through good times and bad.

And I’ve missed sharing what’s on my heart and in my mind.  I’ve missed the words themselves.”

As I read these final notes of today’s post, I could relate completely in many ways.  First, the inner joy of writing words.  If ever I were to have a love affair it would be with words.  Writing them, typing them, watching them appear on the paper or the screen in front of me.  It’s mesmerizing almost…with a sense of magic happening before my very eyes.  At times I’m in disbelief that I was blessed to create something so eloquent and dare I say, elegant.  In truth, there occasions where I’m in awe of the words that flow so easily.  It’s a gift..I’m fully aware of this…and equally as in love with it.  

What also struck me in Gracie’s sentiment was a reflection of how I’ve been feeling while away from my writing these last several days.  A longing, a desire to connect here, to share with this community that exists in my heart and soul, if not in my everyday “real” life.  Your presence and willingness to be here in this place with me has become a part of my inner self.  We are Universally connected, in a way that sometimes “real” life can’t offer us.  Some of you live across the ocean.  It’s unimaginable that we can so naturally, so authentically come together as One in this place.  And again, I find myself in awe.  Of you, of us, of this Divine thread weaving itself into our lives and our souls. 

So thank you.  For allowing me to be myself, to share with you so purely and as Gracie so beautifully stated–for “getting me.”  You warm my heart, you speak to my soul.  And today my loved ones….your loving presence is the whisper I feel from within….xoxo

Being Present to the Life You Have

I’ve read it before, but yesterday it jumped out at me:  “Having the life you want by being present to the life you have.” This caption is printed across the bottom of the cover to The Book of Awakening, an offering of daily meditations for awareness.  “Having the life you want by being present to the life you have.”  It has played over and over in my mind.  I’m a firm believer that signs and messages come to us in the most ordinary of ways, every day of our life–and here was a very clear one.

As if that wasn’t enough, I sat down this morning to read some of the “O” magazine that arrived yesterday.  Two more messages came, offering further contemplation and perhaps a sense of peace nestled within.  The first, a woman who shares “Five Things I Know for Sure About Aging.”  Number one–the more we try to look young, the older we feel.  It’s the same message isn’t it?  Be who you are.  Learn to love where you are in life.  From here we naturally want to add: See the good in your life.  But message number three makes clear it’s not all about joy and sunshine:  Embrace the beast within. We are each made up of both beauty and beast.

Bringing these three messages together naturally leads to the spiritual journey (doesn’t everything though?).  One of our greatest challenges here in Earth school is to live empowered, seeking out our own authenticity and living fully in who we are.  As long as we focus on someone else’s life, youth, beauty–then we miss the experience of ourselves.  THIS is the journey my friends.

Being present in the life you have doesn’t mean it’s all peaches and cream.  What it does offer is an honest perspective of who you are, how you feel, what you desire and the deepest, most intimate truths of yourself.  Trying to “look young” or even “stay young” equates to trying to always “be good.”  So unrealistic for a human being–and what IS “being good” anyway?  Aren’t we really here to be the best of ourselves?  Perfectly imperfect?  As for the “beast within”–that’s true for all of us.  Understanding and accepting this removes the necessity of “being good,” does it not?

What I would love for each of us today is to embrace ourselves as living the life we are meant to live, having the challenges meant to strengthen us, aging and maturing with grace and elegance, and being who we truly are–all without apology or regret.  We are Divinely engineered loved ones, by the greatest Architect there is.  The truth of it lives within, waiting for us to awaken to its presence and power.  Listen, for you will hear its voice…..deep within the whispers of your heart……

The Question is the Call

Every question carries the energy of connection, authenticity and personal power–some much more than others.  And yet, all too often we fear the reaction we believe inevitable if we answer from our inner truth.

The Universe uses our world to guide us.  The people with whom we interact and share love, programs we might watch or books we read, experiences we have over the course of a day–all of these can be used to speak to our innermost spirit; and if we allow, can bring a shift in perspective into our awareness.  Even the simplest question such as–what am I going to do today?–carries the power to connect us more deeply to our heart’s whisper.

What if the world is more than we imagine?  What if the question is the soul calling we’ve been waiting to receive?  What if our natural instinct to defend ourselves keeps us from answering?

Consider it this way, the simplest question:  “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  It seems inconsequential does it not?  Our instinct sometimes is not to put ourselves out there, in case our partner, friend or loved one wishes something different than we do.  Out of self-preservation, protection, defense of what we believe to be true, we may not answer in a way that reflects our very real desire.  We wait to see what they want first.  Is this the belief that what they wish matters more than what we would like?  Is it a need to maintain their love and approval?  Or are we simply uncomfortable with saying what we really want?  Any of these in action keeps us from BEING who we really are.  And something so simple–where to eat dinner–has now captured and held hostage our personal power to choose, to be, to ANSWER the call.

The call doesn’t come in a theatrical, dramatic and overwhelming experience most often–and certainly not initially for most of us.  Consider this concept through the chakras:    1st chakra – how you relate to your tribe and what you do to ground yourself; in the 2nd chakra – how you manage and manipulate your personal power; the 3rd – what you do or need to feel self-esteem; the 4th – how you love and feel love in the world around you; the 5th – do you choose to use your will in a way that honors who you are and what you desire–is it the voice of your spirit?  And so on.  It’s not just about the “third eye” (6th chakra) or how we process and think things through (7th chakra).  The 8th chakra is where our life contract lives and it isn’t until we get to the 9th chakra that we are fully in the realm of the soul, and the power of GRACE.  Here’s what’s true:  God/Spirit is present from 1 – 9, and calls to us in each.

And the call comes in a variety of ways.  If we spend our time waiting for it to happen, to jolt us out of the everyday life we live, we’re missing it.  It begins with the quietest of whispers.  “Jackie, you are out of balance, how will you find yourself again today?”  And then I must go within, first moving into an awareness of my natural resistance and perhaps fear of acknowledging that I am indeed out of balance and understanding why.  This is part of the call–connecting to my truth and letting old beliefs no longer hold me in place.  As I allow myself to do this, I can then move forward into the exercise of creating balance, and in so doing reconnecting to me and the Divine that IS me, lives in me.

The call comes every day.  We have only to listen to the questions that enter our awareness, and choose to answer them honestly and without defensive posture.  If you wonder what the questions are, in this very moment…..take a deep breath in and out….and ask to hear it……then LISTEN….for it whispers to you from your heart……