If You Let it Become Your Master

You have to work on the personal wounds behind your personal anger to free the fierce compassion energy and the clarity that anger can give you access to, but can dominate and destroy if you let it become your master. ~ Andrew Harvey

I’m listening to an interview from a few years ago with one of my beloved teachers – mystic and Sacred Activist Andrew Harvey. As he makes the statement above, I feel a tingle of understanding in myself. There are moments when what we naturally ‘know’ in our consciousness is put into words, into something clear and tangible – that AHA moment. As I heard Andrew talk about his own challenge with anger, with letting go of his own personal attachments and justifications around his anger, I related this to my own experience with my sexuality – a vital part of who I am, as his anger is a vital part of his work and who Andrew is.

I believe that what we are here for is unique to each of us individually, and on a grander scale is really about raising the vibration of this planet into one that is pure, cosmic love. We each have our own individual ‘brand’ of what that love feels like, breathes and pulses as within our bodies, within our own consciousness. Our life experiences funnel into that connection, often creating the very rupture that will bring us back to ourselves. For me, there is a trail of interactions, programming, upbringing, self beliefs in which my sexuality, my naturally sensual feminine nature and way of being were simply NOT acceptable. And yet, they were in a state of continual arousal – because who we ARE doesn’t simply go away by being told to do so. It’s innately part of our energetic makeup. For me – sensuality, the erotic nature of the Sacred Feminine are a very significant part of who I am. I cannot simply ‘shut it off,’ although for several years I tried. Who we are will always come back to find us.

shadows in the morning sunThere were personal wounds that required attention. Rather than turn away from those parts of myself, what was most needed was for me to sink INTO them. Not into the pain per se, yet it’s absolutely necessary to FEEL the sensations of that heartache and pain. But to sink into what I had set aside as something ‘wrong’ in me, that part of myself I couldn’t understand.

Until I was able to embrace that part of myself, to give her room to breathe, to allow her to come out and explore who she really is and how her sensual nature would engage this world if given the opportunity – she stayed in the shadows, behind my line of sight. And as long as that was true, the ‘fierce compassion and clarity’ of my true nature were shrouded in the darkness too. We MUST release our wounds, including the lies, the ‘propaganda’ we have come to believe about ourselves, in order to unleash our pure essence. Until I did that, the blinded version of my sensual nature served as master. Unconsciously, of course–that’s the whole point. When we keep who we are in the unconscious state of our awareness, we essentially operate from a place of ignorance about ourselves. I had no idea what to do with this part of myself. And yet, it continued to pulse within me and always made an appearance as simply being about SEX – when that’s not the essence of my sacred sensuality at all. In truth, me falling deeper into my self, loving all of who I am rather than cutting some parts out or making them ‘wrong’ has brought me full circle into being my own master. I serve the beauty of who I am, the Sacred Feminine essence and presence that is me; rather than remain held captive to what I have hidden away out of shame or fear. In truth, in our authentic expression, without judgment, without there being a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ – what do we have to fear about being all of who we are? This, my friends, this fear, this judgment, if you hold onto it, will become your master and will prevent you from the rawness of true intimacy with yourself and others with whom you desire it. Time to drop the shame.


Cocoon of Illness

Rarely do I actually ‘get sick,’ but this last week was a clear exception. I seemed to have caught the virus going around and felt poorly for several days, even spending the entirety of Saturday on the couch. As you know by now, I believe everything has purpose, including illness. Sometimes just to give us space to rest or focus on taking care of ourselves. We–especially women–aren’t always so good at turning our loving and nurturing inward, and yet we would drop everything to be sure we were present for a loved one. Certainly that is part of what was occurring with my illness. There’s been a lot–and I mean a LOT–of tense activity with our three teenage children recently. Accidents & traffic tickets are beginning to pile up. As parents, we’ve been pretty open with them growing up, and now it all shifts to having to deal with something beyond mom and dad–the lessons are endless. So certainly stress and an outpouring of energy and resources to others has played a factor. 

But even with that realization, I was unprepared for what I was going to feel on Sunday when I woke up feeling great! It was literally as though I had entered into this bubble of time and space, only to come out renewed and feeling so alive. Never before have I encountered an illness in quite this way. This felt very much like a death and rebirth. Some of my instinctual ‘fix-it-ness’ died while I was in that cocoon of self awareness. I surrendered–without even realizing it actually–some of my drive to take care of everyone else, to make it ok, to be sure they all have what they need. Instead, the lesson my son’s spirit has taught me in this last year–that of trusting the Universe/God is holding us all and can take care of what is needed–expanded into more of my heartspace. 

I’ve understood illness can be an impetus to connecting to the Divine, to healing and releasing what no longer serves us. And yet, this was so much more than those words convey. It was so very much like emerging from the tomb, awake and aware of Life once again. There is a deep appreciation of who I am, what my life is. When I look at my husband and children I feel so much love. Being in our home fills me with gratitude and yes, even a desire to honor it by keeping it picked up and cleaned. I feel like I want to eat better. Some people have an intense life changing experience that is filled with the sound of angels singing. This was much more subtle while in process, but feels exhilarating on this side. 

Everything–everything in this life is a gift to us, even when it doesn’t feel to be so. Grace comes disguised into our lives at times, and we can only recognize her when we stop to look back at the paths of our journey. Yet, if we are open to seeing her, we find She was there all the time. Reminds me of Footprints….there was only one set ‘because I was carrying you.’ Even when we didn’t know it. xo 



‘Awakening to Beauty’

Spending time in Nature, attempting to ‘capture’ her beauty through my lens, I can’t help but feel that we are as the flowers, the leaves and all that is awakening just now with the advent of Spring. Each year these bits of Life begin to form, from seed to bud to full blossom. The flowers will open to the brilliance of sunlight glowingly radiating down upon them, leaves will unfurl with the gentleness of a warm breeze. Each will serve its time….until once again they fall away with the advent of autumn’s coolness. 

Is that not our journey, my friends? Fully opening ourselves to the uplifting warmth of sunshine, allowing every pore to be energized with the heat of Divine presence….eventually coming back around to the release and harvest of our efforts, preparing for hibernation and healing yet again. 

I love Irish poet John O’Donohue’s work, especially the cd series he recorded called Beauty, The Invisible Embrace. I was delighted to come across the following excerpt he wrote for the Kosmos Journal back in 2004, which seems to describe perfectly the beauty of Spring’s blossoms as well as the journey of our souls: Awakening & Surrender. That’s it, my friends…..the focus of our work on this planet and the purpose of our presence. Awaken & surrender. Enjoy. xo

Awakening to Beauty 

We live between the act of awakening and the act of surrender. Each morning we awaken to the light and the invitation to a new day in the world of time; each night we surrender to the dark to be taken to play in the world of dreams where time is no more. At birth we were awakened and emerged to become visible in the world. At death we will surrender again to the dark to become invisible. Awakening and surrender: They frame each day and each life; between them is the journey where anything can happen, the beauty and the frailty.

The human soul is hungry for beauty; we seek it everywhere — in landscape, music, art, clothes, furniture, gardening, companionship, love, religion, and in ourselves. No one would desire not to be beautiful. When we experience the Beautiful, there is a sense of homecoming. We feel most alive in the presence of the Beautiful, for it meets the needs of our soul. For a while the strain of struggle and endurance are relieved and our frailty becomes illuminated by a different light in which we come to glimpse behind the shutter of appearances the sure form of things. In the experience of beauty we awaken and surrender in the same act. We find that we slip into the Beautiful with the same ease as we slip into the seamless embrace of water; something ancient within us already trusts that this embrace will hold us.   ~ Beloved John O’Donohue, 1956-2008 

(Excerpt found on UTNE Reader)

Traveling Deeper into Authenticity

We are as Dorothy: following the ‘yellow brick road’ only to learn we ‘had the power all the time.’

It feels as though the transformation process is moving at a rapid pace just now. And as I am observing the journey of others, it’s clear this is not true just for me. I believe strongly that we are in a very crucial time of evolution; a space in which our choices carry enormous impact. Making even the smallest decision in our lives seems to release a chain of events that is so much more tangible than ever before.

The deeper we journey into the very soul of our authentic selves, the more our lights shine, the greater the energy we are manifesting. No longer is it just shifting quietly inside us, but the vibrancy of it is animating in a rather wild and miraculous way in our outer lives as well. The two have become intricately intertwined. Where once living a spiritual life meant meditating, burning incense, taking time to be in ‘quiet’–we are now being called to ACT on behalf of our inner truth. The quiet meditation is still part of our practice, but it is no longer enough. CHANGE requires ACTION. And these actions are not merely good deeds.

This energy emanates from the very depths of our souls–the place where our passion lives and breathes, with the brilliance of the perfect diamond. As we encounter enormous acts of inhumanity around the globe, we must turn to something equally as powerful to shift the energy. Prayer is always one of our greatest tools, and I do believe prayer has the power to align us with Universal will. Yet, there must be those of us who are willing to act on the beliefs that fuel our prayers and stand up, speak out and carry the torch on behalf of our planet–OUT LOUD.

As with everything there is a balance, and in no way do I intend to say that everyone must become an activist, taking up a cause and leaving behind our lives in its favor. There are those for whom a quiet inner life is their calling. And I do feel certain they too must live outwardly what they believe as truth in their souls. There are others who stand at the forefront of the movement for change, compassion, ‘Love in Action.’ But what must be true for all of us–however we live our lives–is that we will be asked to stand true in our beliefs, on whatever scale connects to our energies. And when that call comes, we must answer with authentic presence.

For me, the desire to be authentic is reordering so much of how I have lived. OUT LOUD sometimes feels uncomfortable. I can no longer simply keep people happy with quiet resignation of who I am. This is ‘Love in Action.’ And it moves beyond just myself and into a passion to share that love, honoring and allowing others to be their own version of Divine LOVE.

I invite you to travel deeper into your own authenticity and really explore what this all means for you. How do you stand tall in the ‘I AM’ presence that is our sacred being? And what must change in order for you to honor your own personal, inner soul calling? Are you willing to let go of the safety that comes from acquiescing to false truths within yourself? Our time is NOW, my friends. Each one of us is being called. The journey looks different on everyone, but its underlying truth remains the same: I AM a Divine being filled with sacred essence and have been gifted with the grace to live my truth.

Much love.

From Out of a Deep Sleep

It feels as though my emotions are turned a bit upside down just now–and I know that’s a positive thing in my personal journey.  While I consider myself to be one who is acutely aware of her feelings and what lives beneath them, these have crept up on me and so bring a heightened state of awareness with them.

A few years ago I was blessed enough to be part of an intimate women’s group of six.  We were very real about our feelings, our emotional wounds and allowed the most raw space of ourselves to be expressed as we healed through it all together.  For me personally, my pain and frustration came at first in groans without words to even articulate what the feelings were.  Eventually there were screams and deep guttural crying left where the deepest hurt had been living for too long.  This time in my life was immensely powerful and healing, although I must say there were many moments of uncertainty, defensive posturing and outright fear at what might come from this place within myself.

Since that time, my journey has found its own balance–my emotions less intense and the pain has healed.  Yet, this last week, I’m aware of another level of transformation that is taking hold of my consciousness.  This time, pain is not as profound, nor is it perhaps the underlying source.  Instead, it feels like emotions that have been quieted as they allowed my spiritual growth to advance.  Perhaps it is an agreement deep within ourselves, when to approach which part of our enlightenment.  This place feels less like healing old wounds and more as though it’s time to just “wake up” a bit more. 

Time to “wake up” to places in my life where I might be living a bit asleep and not fully present in my self.  So many wonderful things have occurred for me, it’s easy to feel “full” in that space and follow its course.  But now, Spirit is shifting the path.  There is a transformation taking shape through the lifting of the veil to see myself even more clearly.  Although there are uncomfortable and sometimes even sad or hurtful places along the way, they’re accompanied by a sense of knowing–“this is good.”  This is exactly where I’m supposed to be.  For as much as intuition, joy, wisdom and sharing are me–sadness, feeling lost and turning inward are me too.  ALL of this is me.  And I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I share this with you friends as a reminder to us all.  EVERY step of our journey is part of who we are, and is meant to be.  As awake as we are at any time in the process of walking this human path, there is always a place in us still to be awakened.  Enlightenment is not a one time occurrence.  It happens continually, in a cycle throughout the course of our lives.  Our choice is to allow it to move us, indeed to move through us. 

In her class on Mysticism, Caroline Myss taught that confusion is a “good” thing.  Having our world turned upside down and feeling uncertain which way to turn, how to move forward and just what we need to take that next step–all of these force us to stop and take inventory of ourselves, where we are, what we truly desire.  And in these most vulnerable places, we turn to the Divine for comfort, support and guidance.  Out of confusion comes transformation.  Transformation shifts the course we are on, allowing our soul to move us forward, tuning us in more and more to the Divine whispers……that come from within the space of the heart…..

In the Shadows

When traveling along the spiritual journey, one of the spaces we encounter within ourselves is the “shadow.”  Just what does this mean?  For most of us, the immediate sense is of something dreadful, arousing the fears that live in our unconscious and driving them out into the light–or our consciousness.  And this is the process of unveiling our “shadows.”

We have great fear of what might live there, in the unlit corners of our hearts, our spirits, our minds.  The natural reaction is to hold on tight to what we are certain will be taken away–our security.  Let’s take a different approach to understanding our shadows, one that will perhaps enlighten you and prompt you to hang the welcome sign for the places within yourself you do not yet see.  Imagine yourself entering a room that is dimly lit.  Stepping across the threshold, the corners are hidden in darkness and the walls are barely visible by the hue of light.  You’ve brought with you into this room a flashlight, and now through the door, you turn it on.  Moving into the room, you shine the light on one corner at a time–unaware of what you might find there.

Without the shining light, these corners are in total darkness–the UNKNOWN.  Whether there are cobwebs, stools, shelves, books, a lovely chair in that space–you have no way of knowing.  And indeed, you may choose the path of mystery and exploration, entering the space without even the flashlight’s glow.  What feelings and thoughts arise within yourself as you imagine this encounter?  There may be images that come to mind of just what will be discovered in those shadows.

The dramatic presentation of this scenario might offer goblins and ghosts living in the dark corner, rats or something equally undesirable.  There could be stacks of “stuff” accumulated and left to collect dust over a lengthy period of time.  But there could also be something beautiful, a mural painted on a wall,  kept hidden only out by the absence of light.

What we find in the shadows of ourselves can be uncomfortable or exhilarating.  Either way, it is a part of who we are and we can only know what lives there when we choose to enter and examine the space.  Regardless of what “material” we might find, we can discover another piece of ourselves, allowing us to step more wholly into authenticity.  And most often–the greatest fear in looking into our shadowy corners is the one we have brought into the room with us–that of the unknown.

Once the light is introduced into the space, the potential is without limits.  Even the most unpleasant sight can be transformed into something desirable, tantalizing, stimulating and loved.  This is true of our inner space, too.  No matter what you find in your darkest places, there is something beautiful just beneath the exterior of what is visible.  Lift the veil, look beyond the surface and allow yourself to transition into the truth that is you.

We are designed to carry the inner beacon of intuitive knowing that directs us where we need to go on this journey.  Choose to collect another piece of yourself by stepping into the shadows.  Ask your inner voice to guide you…..and you will know its call by tuning in and listening….to the whispers of your heart……

Creating Balance

I’m struck by the similarity in beliefs about God and Mother Nature as I observe reaction to the tragedies on our planet.  Growing up, we knew a God who ruled as Avenger and Judge.  It was made clear to us that should we not follow the rules of “God” as laid out by the church leaders, there was going to be punishment.  This “God” would not tolerate disobedience or sin.  This belief went so far as to pray from the pulpit for “God’s judgment” on figures in the community who were “sinning.”  Although there were many names on the list, the doctors who were supporting and performing abortions are the ones I remember best.

What the leaders of our church believed was that this “God” was going to punish those who were in the wrong–and anything “negative” that occurred was the result of someone’s sin and thus deserved.  The God I grew up with was easy to anger and meant to be feared.  Of course, this carried over into the homes of the families, creating fear as a basis for making choices.  “God” was always watching and would be sure your sin “found you out” and you were dealt with appropriately.  The idea of following one’s intuition, connecting to a higher Source to understand who you are and what’s best for you on an individual basis would have been the equivalent to some form of witchcraft.

Some of what I’m hearing and reading now about Mother Nature and her “wrath” feels very much the same.  We’ve “misbehaved” here on this Earth and she’s “angry.”  While I agree completely that we have been neglectful and irreverent with the resources and energy of our home planet, I’m not so sure there is an anger and a need for justice that drives the dynamic of the events we are now experiencing.

Perhaps instead there is a cosmic force that naturally exists in the Flow, and when that Flow is interrupted, balance is compromised.  Yet the Flow remains in place, and in order to continue moving in that cycle, that energy field, the balance must be restored.  Relate this to yourself for a moment.  On any number of levels–emotions, health, finance, love, spiritual awareness–we experience flux in our ability to maintain balance.  Balance is neutral, each “side” being equivalent.  And so when we have overspent, for example, and blown our budget, we must then tighten up our spending and perhaps even struggle to get through for a period of time in order to come back to neutral once again.  In doing so, we presumably remember to respect our income, to honor its presence and put more energy and reverence into how we use it to support our well-being.

Our relationship to Mother Earth is much the same way.  As our personal life choices impact our relationship to well-being and create the desire for balance and co-creation, so too do the events we experience on Earth.  One very clear positive result of these recent tragedies is the increase in compassion, love, understanding, connectedness that is occurring around the globe.  We live in a time when we can so easily BE THERE with people who are experiencing pain or loss.  Another part of our heart, our consciousness, our ability to send powerful healing energy AWAKENS.  This is far removed from the anger and justice prevalent in our patriarchal society for hundreds of years, and much more in alignment with the feminine energies of love and compassion for our race.  The pendulum swings, sometimes in extreme, but always in the effort to create balance.

The heart is the doorway into healing–in our lives, in our communities and around the planet.  While we are seeing pain and sadness happening to our fellow beings, we are experiencing an opening that takes us deeper into the sacredness of our soul, expanding our field of grace.  You and I–together, here–we are connecting to that space through listening….to the whispers of our hearts…..

Love to each of you.  xoxo