The Words

Lots on my heart and little I can share openly about it. I don’t know what to say – how does one find words for events that feel overwhelmingly without hope of ‘positive’ outcome? Oh yes, I could say a lot about our perceptions and the illusions of what is positive and that all is working in our best interest. But not today. Part of me can’t find a care about that today. This is far from my usual approach to life, but I just can’t shake it. Today everything in my being questions all that I have practiced, tuned into and believed as true for the last 8 years. I’ve never been the one to ask why something happened to me, to my family. Today I’m asking. I’m angry that it’s happening. I’m angry at the idea that it might be ‘just what we all need.’ How on earth can that be true? (My spiritual self steps in here to note – it doesn’t have to be true on earth. I’d like to squash that voice today.)

I’m not talking about my feelings out loud in order to have a ranting session. I think we must all come to this place in our lives, we must each have experiences where we just want to scream out at God for bringing us to this place. Listening to Caroline Myss and other teachers all these years talk about ‘those people’ (my emphasis with the quotes, not hers) who ask ‘why this happened to me’–I never got that. I can’t recall another time when I’ve felt quite like this. Having the level of consciousness to believe in the purity of Divine presence and each of us having our own path mingled with the level of devastation I feel today is unnerving. And I can’t seem to shake it.

This blog has been a place for me to express. I’ve shared the most positive of experiences and realizations and a few of the not-so-pretty ones. This is perhaps the ugliest and most uncomfortable thus far. Angry. I’m fuming deep inside myself. The heartbreak remains. I’m becoming more and more understanding of people who feel this way, when previously I just couldn’t grasp why one couldn’t move out of this space. Even while I want to lash out at all the Divine truth that lives within my being, I’m acutely aware of its inner workings as I write about my anger. Already the gift is unfolding–because I have a different perspective of the devastating impact people sometimes feel on their psyche and well being with the events of earth school.

I’m asking how this can possibly be for our benefit. I’m desperately searching for something to hold onto, to get me through just one day at a time. And as much as there is anger churning and popping up when I least expect it, the deeper truths continue to whisper into my heart. All is well. If I can just keep coming back to that…

I received a beautiful message from my dear friend Joss Burnel in the form of her recent post Be Still and Know. She shares a meditation she recorded that I’ve listened to several times over the last day, feeling a comfort and connection each time. It truly is the little things. I have no words of wisdom or guidance to share with you, just my own feelings and thoughts. I’m certain there are others of you who understand this place of being all too well. I now have a deeper sense of awareness for how you feel and what happens when one is in this space. I don’t know what else to do except just be in this moment and all that comes with it. ‘This too shall pass.’ xo