And Then He Kissed Me

It’s our usual morning routine before my love leaves for work – a kiss, sometimes accompanied by embrace. Usual. Normal. Routine.

Today it felt different. As my husband leaned in to kiss me, I felt him. I felt in that one short moment an overwhelming wave of all the love we share and are together, I felt my heart melt with the touch of his lips, I felt all the adoration he has for me–for us. The kiss was ‘small,’ short–the impact was deep, tunneling its way into the crevices of my being that most needed to feel such tenderness. Instantly tears filled my eyes without warning.

Much of 2015 has been this way for me–routine moments resulting in an eruption of my heart. Sometimes it comes as heartache, others as beauty and immense appreciation of what is real and true in my world. At times, it feels unnerving; the mind wanting to define it all, perhaps as depressed or disconnected. It’s how we’ve come to ‘diagnose’ and subsequently do our best to ‘fix’ what’s ‘wrong’ with us–simply because we feel too deeply.

kiss umbrellaEmotions are highly intimate and possess the power of Sacred Feminine wisdom. Have we forgotten this truth? Our ability to feel so profoundly serves as a gateway to expansion of the heart, awareness of beauty, inspiration for our creativity, honoring of ourselves, opening to more love. As I sat with myself following the kiss of my husband this morning, I felt an enormous surge of love welling up inside me. It reached to my toes, fingertips and deep inside my body with a tingling, soothing, calming, tender sensation. I felt the years and perhaps lifetimes of our love, through all its ups and downs, infused into our kiss, the meeting of our lips together. And the love I feel for him became even more immense.

It’s not easy to feel continually vulnerable, to weep with the simplicity of a morning kiss or a heartfelt text from a friend you have loved intimately. Our natural response is to resist it, talk ourselves out of it. The magic happens when we become the vulnerability, giving ourselves to it completely, trusting on some cosmic level in its companioned presence. This has been my practice of late; quietly, gently allowing myself to be drawn into the beauty and sometimes the sadness of my emotions.

It’s a challenge at times, my friends, I can tell you that. So many barriers we have against it–even something as simple as wearing contacts. Because contacts are ruined if you cry in them. So rather than ruining them, repeatedly putting in a new pair, costing extra dollars–just don’t cry too much, unless you’re prepared. How does one ‘prepare’ to feel deeply, to surrender into the love swelling in your tear ducts and spilling over your cheekbones? We can’t possibly. I can’t.

So I’m feeling. Fully. Deeply. And with that allowance comes not only the beautiful, uplifting, warm and comfortable moments, but the unseen and unknown heartaches held within too. The truth is, it’s all beautiful. We’re just unaccustomed to feeling and honoring it as so. Heartache, at its core, IS love. Our heartache arises out of our love for something or someone. There is a continual movement and ebb/flow to our lives as highly emotional human beings. The emotions are a vital part of our soul’s evolution. So feel. Feel the depth of love that you are, that you need, that you give into this world and that our world needs desperately for you to be. Cry and weep your way through all that comes to and through you, trusting and knowing all the while you are the very embodiment of pure, pulsating and heart breaking love, understanding that you are being drawn in by a very holy and sacred kiss. xx

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Unraveling: ‘Spiritual Healing’ Not Required

It’s been quiet here–you may have noticed. Or perhaps not. This year, 2015, has brought with her many challenges and undoings, my health especially. I learned of my thyroid illness just after the birth of my son – nearly 21 years ago now. There were some times of struggle, but they’ve been in the distant past. Until now.

Discovering how jeopardized my health has been with the current condition of my thyroid was actually both shocking and quite devastating. In the midst of a virus type illness, I had a blood test, only to learn the number which should be around 4 was actually 41. In an instant I felt how deeply (and unconsciously) I’d been fooling myself with the belief my fatigue was due to a very busy autumn and holiday season. The path back to feeling well again feels so much longer than I’d like it to be. My health has been part of my vitality. To suddenly not have that feels foreign and to me.

Unraveling

At the same time I’m maneuvering this new way of loving myself, I’ve also dropped a lot of the labels and roles I felt were mine. They no longer seem to fit. Not because of my health, but alongside it.

What I’m discovering is a new way of being me, of loving me, of allowing myself all that is true. Every ugly emotion, every moment of feeling discouraged or alone, every new path that leads only to me. There are very few who will stand beside you and celebrate who you are outside of the spiritual ‘rules’ of healing yourself, being positive and uplifting, staying in love. Rules and expectations that actually closet pieces of our true nature, our raw emotions.

It occurred to me one afternoon as I rested and wrestled within myself that to so many in what I term the ‘spiritual’ community it might appear as though I’m immune to some deeper issue that is making me sick. Something about unblocking my 5th chakra, changing my diet, cleansing my energy field. We have somehow allowed into our spiritual lives this list of rules by which we are supposed to be living if we are in fact on a path of healing and wholeness. That list includes not being a victim and in some cases, not saying how you truly feel without the disclaimer of ‘but I know it’s all with purpose.’ A disclaimer that too often sets aside our pure (and dark) emotions of frustration, anger, discouragement, heartache. We are celebrated in our becoming. Who will stand at our side through the unbecoming?

In truth – it has to be us – ourselves. It’s not about anyone else understanding or celebrating our individual path. That’s the sharp realization I had that day on the couch. In my own inner dialogue I heard other people’s voices seeming to say ‘you’re not doing anything to heal yourself.’ My own voice respond with a truth that I am healing. Even in lying on the couch, feeling down and without any energy, unable to tap into something ‘sacred’ in my body – even in that moment, I knew, I felt my truth.

In simply being me, in allowing the illness to do its work as it is – I am healing. We forget the value of being much too easily. I find myself sinking deeper into its power as I am able to do less of the daily activities that were just a short bit ago a very big part of my life. The truth that continues to come is I am not who I was even a few months ago. Everything is different. I cannot tell you why or what comes next, I can only speak to where I am in this moment. I know who I am – and yet the question dances in my dreams – who am I now?

Channeling Ecstasy

So we have this energy, this sensual, fiery, lusty, longing, aching, hungry, passionate, pulsing energy that moves and stirs and awakens inside us. Anything can prompt its arousal. And then we are left with what to do with that energy. At least I am.

The next pondering I have within myself is how to channel this ecstasy, this fire. The usual suspects – sex, food, shopping, exercising, laughing, loving. Yes. I get that. But the deeper question I’m asking from the depths of my self is how am I meant to harness and channel this pressing sensation of all of my body, heart and soul coming to life and seeking to express?

I’m certain I am designed this way with purpose. I’m certain there are blocks – conditioning, heartaches, fears – to realizing, to opening, to connecting fully with what is here, offering itself to me. How do I dissolve those and get into the heart of it?

Lady Rose by Carmen Velcic
Lady Rose by Carmen Velcic

What is calling me next? No longer can I sit to write and type out something that is merely skimming the surface. My fingertips move with fire across the keyboard when I am sharing from my own abyssal truth and hunger. I know what that feels like. I long to more and more step into that space, to let IT move ME, to become the voice, the expression, the heartbeat, the pulse of my own Life Force; to no longer fear or keep it at bay.

These are the contemplations that circle in my consciousness today. How do I sink into my own ecstatic presence, energy, expression? How do I honor what is moving through me with purity, with integrity and elegance, with the potent and beautiful voice that is my own? I no longer fear my voice…..and with every day, with every word, every portal of expression and dissolution….I have come to revere and trust its sacred movement in my body.

That’s so much a part of this – ‘in my body.’ We MUST – we MUST get IN our bodies, loves. We hear it said so often it’s become a cliche. So take a bit of time and consider what that means to you – for you – to get IN your body. To feel from there, to give yourself permission to allow everything that comes through in waves as your own intimate truth. Let it all come to you, let it take the lead and drive you to what is surely your destiny, your purpose, your own unique soul signature. This is my prayer today…..guide me deeper into my own signature. Let me be clear in sensing when the kiss of sacredness is touching me, stirring me, arousing me. And let me answer with full openness and without fearing risk of exposure. This is my prayer. xo

Language of the Body

Censorship perpetuates shame, which in turn fosters ignorance. And ignorance prevents change. So it’s a very dangerous trajectory to shy away from the language of the body.  ~ Dr. William Masters, ‘Masters of Sex’

As a young girl I knew what it was to feel the truth burning in my body, even as from the pulpit our pastor taught it was wrong, even sinful, to trust our feelings – the very FEELINGS that originate and emanate from our bodies. Much like in the movie Footloose I was raised in the belief that the body will always betray you through its lusty desires and abandoned surrender into temptation. And anything that wasn’t deemed pure was considered to be temptation. That is – pure through the eyes of some presupposed ‘law’ that is fully outside oneself rather than originating from our strongest Source – within.

Burning-Man-Day-1 (897 of 1210)-X3
Burning Man, Day 1 by Trey Ratcliff

The language of the body. For me it’s complex, multi-layered with seduction, sensuality, purity, wisdom, grace and ancient intelligence. My body beautifully guides me into the spaces where I feel potent, passionate love – the kind that links both hearts and bodies alike. My body is my greatest authority on what is healthy for me. I have only to check in when eating food to feel whether it will settle well or not. My body knows when I need more rest and when movement and flow are what will most benefit my overall well being. My body is a clear indicator of what is called for in order to sink deeper into the wildness that continually calls to me, the nakedness I – and I believe so many of us if not all, desire to walk through this life wearing.

Censorship perpetuates shame. Feel the truth in that. When we censor what we feel in our bodies to only that which is ‘acceptable,’ we shut down a part of who we truly are. Our truth lives deep in our bodies, in our hearts, our souls, our gut instincts – all of which are housed within our physical bodies in some way. Each is connected to a greater network of mystical knowledge and presence, and yet we individually here on this planet carry that same intelligence and engage in dialogue with it through our own BODIES. This, this is the language of the body. It lives and breathes in every cell, every heart beat, every orgasmic moment, every zenlike experience. It can be wild and raging as a lioness and equally soft and gentle as whisper.

Time to release our shame by dropping the censorship – of who we are, what we feel, how we express ourselves and all that we carry in the beautiful holy sanctuary that is our body. It’s time to step fully into the language of our bodies; to understand there is a living, breathing Entity that we are, and we ALONE contain the highest intelligence of what is needed, of what is ‘right’ and acceptable for our own personal journey on this planet. There is no greater authority to guide us. We are it. We are the Divine, sovereign Voice of what is true, what is authentic, what is beautiful in our lives, in our selves. There is no greater knowledge or higher authority. And it’s time we really sink into that reality and operate from a new place of holding ourselves in such high regard.

An Unexpected Call

It was an odd day yesterday. As I shared with my intimate circle of women, there was a restless energy creeping up all around me, actually from inside. My resident ‘screaming woman’ began to make her presence known, signaling something was for sure out of balance from the depths of my being.

My dear, beloved soul friend Joss suggested a bit of music and a practice of moving my body–DANCE. The resistance was immediate, my inner Wild Woman beckoned me, but that old familiar quicksand holding me in place. I’m blessed to have had a beautiful space in which to voice all that I was feeling, to process it, to allow it and to move through it. She had her way with me, this Wild Woman Divine Feminine, and together we lit candles and prepared to dance.

This type of being with myself hasn’t been part of my life in quite this way, so as you might imagine, felt a bit uncomfortable in places. The music, my mind began to focus on finding the right music. Something sensual that inspired a release and letting go, that allowed my body to take over and my thinking self to sink into the background. Ray Lamontagne–my sister loves his style, ‘soulful’ she calls it–ok for a moment, but no, the energy just wasn’t moving, my thoughts remained at the forefront. I tried several other options that seemed as though they should have done the ‘trick’–whirling dervish music, my favorite Jimmy Buffet and a couple other styles. Nothing. Frustration began to set in, and of course that intellect was pleased with the outcome. ‘Told you so.’

dancePausing, I stopped to check in with what I’ve always loved. What used to inspire me to get up and move? What were the songs I would love to sing out loud and just had to feel the rhythm of their energy? Madonna. Always a love of mine. It seemed silly, but ok, I gave it a try. The Madonnna-ish radio station on my tablet began with a Gloria Estafan song and my body knew just what to do. She moved in ways I didn’t expect–not a sultry, sensual unleashing, but a Wild Woman-feel-every-beat-and-just-let-go response. I was quite taken aback and just let myself go with it, tensions melting away.

The AHA! moment that came was this: it wasn’t about allowing my body–giving her permission–to be sexy. It was about dissolving restrictions to just simply moving to the rhythm because of her fear she might be perceived as ‘too sexy,’ too much of all those ugly words we’ve heard said about a beautiful, alluring woman. It wasn’t about whether I was that or not, but about transcending those old patterns and just FEELING into it. It was quite welcomed to just move, to just be, to allow and to not have a care of how it looked or might be perceived.

For too long we’ve held these fears tight to our heartspace, suffocating our spirits, clogging up the intuitive channels of our body’s language and wisdom. It was such a beautiful experience, very different from what I would have ‘written’ for myself. Some of my learned yoga poses (there is much to this occurring, too much to share here) even came into play and felt magnificently empowering in every cell.

This is the spirit, the energy, the call of the Wild Woman. To be and honor who we are. We’ve restricted ourselves and then written a story about who we are that we can’t possibly live up to, mostly because it’s not our authentic truth. My commitment to 2014 is to release the untruths about myself–from within–and to integrate the authentic pieces of who I am even more.

I’d love to hear your Wild Woman stories – whether you are male or female, because this goes beyond gender specifications. Whether from your own experience or something you’ve witnessed. And I’d love for you to consider how you might honor the Wild Spirit you carry within the entirety of your being. She presents differently on each one of us, and yet at the core, She is the very same Presence we are each tuning in to.

I’m reminded of my own commitment to Dance Out of Control….

“living eulogy.
she danced.
she sang. she took.
she gave.
she loved.
she created.
she dissented. she enlivened.
she saw. she grew. she sweated.
she changed.
she learned. she laughed.
she shed her skin.
she bled on the pages of her days,
she walked through walls,
she lived with intention.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher

Gentle Reminders

You can grow as fast as you want to. ~ Caroline Myss

The truth in this statement is that ‘want to’ isn’t merely a matter of our wills choosing and forcing our growth to occur. Rather, it takes a full embrace of the growth process within all of our being. There is an alignment needed in order for change to enter our lives, and while taking that bit of space to CHOOSE it is important and perhaps a very big first step, it isn’t the only piece of the puzzle.

Transformation can move at a rapid pace, and sometimes with its own focused gentle rhythm. And while we CAN grow as fast as we want to, the ‘want to’ must be felt on so many levels. We can ‘want to’ for years and fully believe we are ready, wondering why it’s not happening, what we must be missing, and all the while the Divine is lovingly assisting us in shifting the interior of our beliefs on the most mundane and the most intimate and sacred of layers. Often, we aren’t even aware of the places where change is most required, for we aren’t used to looking that deeply.

This has been true of my own experience as well. It seems for years I’ve been focused on finding that place within myself that guides me from the energy of love, passion, pure connection through the heart of my soul to those people, things, activities and experiences that honor my being, light up my energy and speak the language of my soul. I’ve known for so long that I must CHOOSE change, which I did and I have, and yet it has still taken years to really come to this place where I feel that focus manifesting. While it appears from this vantage point that the transformation is moving at a rapid pace–and indeed it does feel so too–the reality is this space of my life in which the changes are happening with lightning speed is merely a step far down the road in the process of CHOOSING, in the focus of ‘I want to.’

I realized just how quickly it’s all been moving when I took time to be still as I worked with two beautiful women recently. The first was Shelly Wilson, a Reiki master from whom I received long distance healing last week. Very little was required of me–to just lie down and relax. Rather than lie in silence, which I love, I chose to have random music playing softly in the background. The Universe certainly had a hand in the entire experience in a way I’ve not felt before with long distance healing or focused intention. Without any knowledge of what Shelly was doing on her end, I felt the energy move through each one of my chakras, stirring emotions, cleansing residues, radiantly shining as it moved through me. I was acutely aware of its path, and learned only later that as I was experiencing this, Shelly was working to cleanse and activate each chakra. The dialogue she sent to me of what was occurring on her end during the session was remarkably similar to what I was feeling. I’m amazed still at the miraculous connection of it. And I was equally amazed how wonderful it felt to just even lie down and take a space of time out of this fast-moving space I’ve been in for several months. A gentle reminder from my being that rest is needed. Growth is desired, but rest is an integral part of the process. Ah, I’d forgotten how to rest in this way, and the work with Shelly was step one in remembering, honoring.

The second came through a very lovingly guided live session with Fay Hart. I’m still learning about her work, but just the bit of time we spent together created an enormous shift in how I communicate with my body. This work is desperately needed in our culture today, for we’ve disassociated with the wisdom and pure truth present in our bodies. And even more so, what we do experience as pain or discomfort, we’ve learned to respond with the desire to ‘fix’ or ‘get rid of’ it. The mind had to be quieted in order to allow the body her turn to speak. Tears welled up as I heard Fay say ‘your body is learning to trust you.’ Yes, she is. Thank you. It was a true AHA! moment.

This process with Fay also felt very much like the next step of the shadow work we’ve all had to do in order to become our whole selves. Now we are embracing the ‘darkness’ of our physical discomfort, welcoming it–and in doing so shining the love and healing of Light into its place.

Time with each of these women felt like a gift of awareness, an opening into something deeper within myself. These gentle reminders of who I am and what my WHOLE being needs from this ‘new’ perspective brought an awareness and richness of being I’d not felt before. We are body, mind, soul–and it’s time to embrace, honor and welcome the full aspects of all. It’s time to integrate ALL of who we are on so many levels. For as we allow ourselves to become ONE, we lovingly send that energy into the world, realizing ALL is ONE. Love to you my friends…xoxo