I Could Weep….

I found her book quite by accident – Sera Beak’s ‘Red Hot & Holy: A Heretics Love Story.‘ It’s just one of so many pieces falling into place at this time in my life, and frankly, I’m not sure I was ready before now.

There’s so much I want to say around this, so please bear with me as it begins pouring out. Feels like I’ve mentioned to you here before that years ago I asked one of my spiritual teachers why it was that every time I felt the fullness of the Divine, it left me heated, hungry, filled with a fire that it seemed was only about sex and all those ‘ugly’ labels we’ve put on Her. We were in the midst of an intense workshop – The Sacred Marriage of Mysticism and Yoga. I had been rocked to my core by a profound union with the Sacred during that time, after which I asked this question: ‘What is it about this energy that leaves me feeling so attracted to men, to what feels lustful in myself?’ It wasn’t the first time I was aware of this energy within – I have loved boys especially since being a little girl. I’ve loved kissing them, being with them, writing love letters to them, being intimate in every way possible–on and on I could go. What I know now, is this isn’t just about ‘boys’ or ‘sex.’ It isn’t any of those lies that have been forced upon it, upon US: slut, cheap whore, promiscuous, impure, acting inappropriately, being too much in our feelings, too beautiful, clothes too tight, hips sway too much, too flirtatious, too much laughter, too seductive, too revealing, too much of this or that. All lies. How could we possibly be too much of anything that flows so naturally from within?

These lies were pounded into us over and over again – and so we began to believe them, adjusting who we are, ‘taming down’ our inner fires because it made others uncomfortable. And I’m not talking about just ‘sex’ here. I’m talking about a heat that begins in the depths of our soul, that sets our hearts on fire with mad love. I’m talking about being so full of Divine Feminine Force we must find an outlet for Her, she must breathe and express through us in the ways that are most organic to our passionate natures. No more lies, my friends. We live our truth. NOW.

I’m no longer a ‘good little church girl’ or a child living under the fear of my parents’ experience and programming (and it was the same for them, so no blame here). I’m a grown woman who is coming into a place of understanding what this is about. And the answer is not ‘sex.’ Nor is it about insecurities that lead to needing sex and male attention to be ok. It’s not about my father leaving when I was five. I have done the work and healed those places in myself – and yet this flame of passion and desire remains. It’s about longing to feel Sacred Love so fully and completely we experience it in every way possible. For me, for my contract in this life, for the energies I carry in this time and place, that’s connected to a hunger to connect with Her so intimately, so passionately, so completely that She is whispering to me of that which stirs my senses. And I must answer Her NOW.

heart-on-fire

The day I asked my teacher that question, with an open innocence and more than a little confusion, the only reply was something like ‘my dear, it would take me hours to explain that to you.’ This being who exhibited such a fiery passion, perhaps the first real mystic I’d ever met and known in my life, who left me feeling the heated flames in every cell of my body – had no answer for me. It left me bewildered. I realize now, I had to find the answer myself. I had to come to this place where I was healed enough, mature enough–OPEN enough to receive the truth. And I don’t mind telling you that although I’m sharing my heart here, there remains a small thread of trepidation in doing so around this subject and in such a personal way. And because of that, I sense there is still a shred of ‘safe’ in this telling as well–for now.

When many mystics felt the Divine, they literally felt turned on, erotically speaking. ~ Sera Beak

So with great anticipation I’m going to read this book, because it calls to me, it makes me weep sometimes with the recognition of myself in this ‘Heretic’s Love Story.’ For there are reflections of my own inner truth glaring back at me. There is a beautiful release and inner knowing that accompanies my desire to be free of the old programming. One by one, I feel the lies unraveling inside of me….

I don’t believe for a moment there aren’t some of you feel your own pang of knowing as you read this. I know there are so many of us who have been quieted, who have turned our feelings down, stifled our passion away in a safe, neat box. But although She whispers still, there is a beautiful, awakening ROAR that lurks in the shadows. It is there, beloveds, that we find our purest selves, liberated by our truth, our fires, our willingness to be alive in it, expressing Her in whatever way She desires. I’d love to hear your stories…..

If you wish, I invite you to consider joining a free Sacred Circle Retreats call later today Your Succulent Chakras. This is a bold step for me in my work, but with the confidence and passion of my collaborator Lynn Jaussi, I feel a whole new space opening up. You can also listen to the replay at any time using the same link. 

I’m also very passionate about my ‘baby,’ the AWAKENING WOMAN series about to begin. This has been part of my vision, and although perhaps a bit more tame, it will still ignite the fires that burn in the depths of your being. 

 

 

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