‘Just Jump’

While studying with Caroline Myss several years ago, there was a phrase that came out of our ‘classroom’ conversation: ‘Just Jump.’ The premise being there is no ‘good time’ to honor the voice of your spirit, to build a soul with stamina and follow your guidance. NOW is when you are most ready–if you choose to animate the Divine presence of who you are. For me, there has always been something very powerful and unavoidable in the understanding of what my guidance is–and making a choice whether or not to follow it. Once that language is felt, recognized, taken in and fully realized, to not honor my own inner voice mingled with that of the sacred feels to carry significant impact in my life. And really–there is only once choice in that space. 

This is coming to reality in so many more ways ‘around’ the various relationships and experiences in my day-to-day interactions. There is an expansion of the sphere in which I am being asked to step up and ‘just jump.’ Not coincidentally, this falls in line with the commitment I’ve made for 2012 to step more and more into my ‘no comfort zone’ and open myself to let go of what isn’t needed. And on a side note, this seems to go along with a yearning to keep ‘cleaning out’ our home, too. 

Yesterday’s jump allowed me to see the full extent of what we do to ourselves in the midst of receiving and sometimes filtering our guidance. After being at the vet’s office for an hour with one of our rescue cats, I just didn’t feel comfortable going ahead with the run of blood tests and potential treatment they were prescribing for what I was seeing. I couldn’t get to a peace about it. Generally, I would recognize I was a little hesitant, listen to what they said, step into the ‘oh no’s’ and ‘what if’s’ that we often hear when it comes to medical health–and then just go ahead and do it. In this case especially it would have seemingly been much ‘easier’ to just let them run the tests. Our vet had been at a conference over the weekend and specifically attended classes to learn about this because of our situation. They weren’t charging me an office visit fee. Although $238 is a lot, we could make it work if it was something we really needed. And perhaps the loudest (although in a very smooth and subtle way) reason to ‘just do it:’ how on earth would it look for me to say no after all that? Don’t I care about my cat? Aren’t I concerned what could happen if we ‘miss’ something–if we don’t treat him? What about all the time they’d set aside for me, the vet, the assistant explaining everything over the course of the hour I was there? And then I would just walk out and do nothing? How does THAT look? What kind of pet owner am I anyway?

Ah, the brilliant voice of our mind…feeling my inner chaos and stepping in to help me feel better. I remember this voice now from my teenage years even: ‘just do it and then worry about the rest later.’ But I couldn’t. I felt tearful, letting the struggle within myself become overwhelming as I tried to sort it through with a vet tech who really couldn’t comprehend what I was feeling and working out internally, although bless her heart for trying. She left the room to allow me some time to get clarity, to decide what to do. That was when my spirit’s voice came through loud and clear: when you are unsure what to do, walk away. Don’t do anything. If the choice isn’t clear, let it rest and come back to it when YOU are clear. 

I picked up the cat carrier, opened the door and walked to the front desk. While I fully believed in my choice and felt strong in what I was doing, that tiniest little sliver of ‘you look like a fool’ still tried to make its presence felt. We were going to do nothing. Not today. It didn’t feel right, and I wasn’t willing to compromise what I was feeling so clearly within myself. I don’t know how they felt about it, and truthfully, very little of me cares. Even with regard to the cost, although that wasn’t the deciding factor, I heard a new language whispering to me: Is this really a good use of our money? Money is energy after all–and to just spend it because we can make it work without the strength of my belief behind it is irresponsible use of the energy and abundance that flows into my life. 

I *know in my being our boy is ok. He doesn’t have any of those medical conditions the blood tests would have revealed. I just had to give myself the opportunity to hear that clearly, away from the chaos and yes, my friends, fear of humiliation. THAT is what I’ve been talking about. I love my cats unconditionally, enough to trust what I feel about their well-being over what someone who is ‘qualified’ might recommend and believe. But fear would have played the greater role in the past. Yesterday, I walked out of that office with strength in my spirit, increased stamina in my soul. 

It was interesting to note, that when I got in the car I could feel the energy overload of the whole situation. I called a close friend and soul companion just to talk it through–in truth, just to allow myself to say out loud and validate the process and choice. A headache had begun to throb, my body felt a little jittery…until the words began to flow and the peace of being ME, honoring my guidance settled in. 

Uncomfortable, yes. Humiliating–actually, no. I chopped away at some of those old beliefs when I wrote honestly earlier this week, and then the Universe graciously gave me a situation in which to practice my deeper truth: following guidance does not equal humiliation. I’m humbled and grateful. 


Liberating Love

The Divine conspires with us to nurture, heal, and expand our heart. ~ Crowing Crone Joss, She Who Walks in Beauty 

How does it come to be that we measure the ways in which we love? By this I mean, we carefully keep in check how much we let it show that we love someone, something, ourselves. There seem to be social boundaries around how and when to let your love show. 

I remember being a teenager and writing love letters. Sitting in the corner of my bedroom where the heat register was, curled up and in my pj’s, I would sit for easily an hour and write the whispers of my heart. There was something so liberating in being able to say to someone what I was feeling – about anything, about everything. 

Georgia O'Keefe, Red Canna

As I think back to that time and then continue on through the years, I can see that I’ve always had someone in my life with whom I can be completely open and honest. Sometimes a narrative issued directly from the heart can later feel to be so ‘silly’ or ‘out there.’ And yet, it reveals the purest of who we are.

How is it that we have fear wrapped around this exercise, this opening and willingness to let ourselves be felt and heard? I’m asking myself this question, as I can see that there are places where I have such love, but keep it so carefully guarded. Subconsciously, there are ways in which I protect the depth of how much I can and do love. There are filters on when, how and with whom it flows. 

I recognize that some of this is part of our social structure. We aren’t ‘supposed’ to put it all out there on display for everyone to see. The best reason I can find for this isn’t the one that we might expect – the vulnerability of others taking advantage. Instead it’s one that we create ourselves – the fear of humiliation. How does it look to let such depth of love be seen, felt, heard? 

Humiliation. Takes me again to my teacher, Caroline Myss. In the same series on mysticism in which we connected to the fire of grace, we talked of humiliation vs. humility. It takes humility to let our love shine so brilliantly. And I don’t mean the kind of shining that means we have to tell everyone about it. Sometimes it’s just letting our truth be present, however it will. Because we are Divine beings, we are also beings filled with Divine love, and meant to let that love touch and seep into the world around us.  

I loved watching Oprah interview Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler on her new program, ‘Oprah’s Next Chapter.‘ He let his ability to love so deeply, so openly, so erotically be heard and seen for what it is. He didn’t apologize, filter or make it sound acceptable. As they shared in the serenity of his home on Lake Sunapee, NH, Steven confidently and comfortably held true to his beliefs and who he is. 

And I’m holding true to mine. I’m choosing to love as I feel it in my heart. I’m honoring the liberation of letting her whispers be my guide. And I know in doing so, I’m opening myself to seeing and moving through every boundary that keeps my deep and boundless love in check. I’m grateful to have had–and continue to have–experiences and people in my life that allow me to love without limits. And I’m feeling overwhelmed with the sudden awareness: THIS is my purpose. xo