Unraveling: ‘Spiritual Healing’ Not Required

It’s been quiet here–you may have noticed. Or perhaps not. This year, 2015, has brought with her many challenges and undoings, my health especially. I learned of my thyroid illness just after the birth of my son – nearly 21 years ago now. There were some times of struggle, but they’ve been in the distant past. Until now.

Discovering how jeopardized my health has been with the current condition of my thyroid was actually both shocking and quite devastating. In the midst of a virus type illness, I had a blood test, only to learn the number which should be around 4 was actually 41. In an instant I felt how deeply (and unconsciously) I’d been fooling myself with the belief my fatigue was due to a very busy autumn and holiday season. The path back to feeling well again feels so much longer than I’d like it to be. My health has been part of my vitality. To suddenly not have that feels foreign and to me.

Unraveling

At the same time I’m maneuvering this new way of loving myself, I’ve also dropped a lot of the labels and roles I felt were mine. They no longer seem to fit. Not because of my health, but alongside it.

What I’m discovering is a new way of being me, of loving me, of allowing myself all that is true. Every ugly emotion, every moment of feeling discouraged or alone, every new path that leads only to me. There are very few who will stand beside you and celebrate who you are outside of the spiritual ‘rules’ of healing yourself, being positive and uplifting, staying in love. Rules and expectations that actually closet pieces of our true nature, our raw emotions.

It occurred to me one afternoon as I rested and wrestled within myself that to so many in what I term the ‘spiritual’ community it might appear as though I’m immune to some deeper issue that is making me sick. Something about unblocking my 5th chakra, changing my diet, cleansing my energy field. We have somehow allowed into our spiritual lives this list of rules by which we are supposed to be living if we are in fact on a path of healing and wholeness. That list includes not being a victim and in some cases, not saying how you truly feel without the disclaimer of ‘but I know it’s all with purpose.’ A disclaimer that too often sets aside our pure (and dark) emotions of frustration, anger, discouragement, heartache. We are celebrated in our becoming. Who will stand at our side through the unbecoming?

In truth – it has to be us – ourselves. It’s not about anyone else understanding or celebrating our individual path. That’s the sharp realization I had that day on the couch. In my own inner dialogue I heard other people’s voices seeming to say ‘you’re not doing anything to heal yourself.’ My own voice respond with a truth that I am healing. Even in lying on the couch, feeling down and without any energy, unable to tap into something ‘sacred’ in my body – even in that moment, I knew, I felt my truth.

In simply being me, in allowing the illness to do its work as it is – I am healing. We forget the value of being much too easily. I find myself sinking deeper into its power as I am able to do less of the daily activities that were just a short bit ago a very big part of my life. The truth that continues to come is I am not who I was even a few months ago. Everything is different. I cannot tell you why or what comes next, I can only speak to where I am in this moment. I know who I am – and yet the question dances in my dreams – who am I now?

If You Let it Become Your Master

You have to work on the personal wounds behind your personal anger to free the fierce compassion energy and the clarity that anger can give you access to, but can dominate and destroy if you let it become your master. ~ Andrew Harvey

I’m listening to an interview from a few years ago with one of my beloved teachers – mystic and Sacred Activist Andrew Harvey. As he makes the statement above, I feel a tingle of understanding in myself. There are moments when what we naturally ‘know’ in our consciousness is put into words, into something clear and tangible – that AHA moment. As I heard Andrew talk about his own challenge with anger, with letting go of his own personal attachments and justifications around his anger, I related this to my own experience with my sexuality – a vital part of who I am, as his anger is a vital part of his work and who Andrew is.

I believe that what we are here for is unique to each of us individually, and on a grander scale is really about raising the vibration of this planet into one that is pure, cosmic love. We each have our own individual ‘brand’ of what that love feels like, breathes and pulses as within our bodies, within our own consciousness. Our life experiences funnel into that connection, often creating the very rupture that will bring us back to ourselves. For me, there is a trail of interactions, programming, upbringing, self beliefs in which my sexuality, my naturally sensual feminine nature and way of being were simply NOT acceptable. And yet, they were in a state of continual arousal – because who we ARE doesn’t simply go away by being told to do so. It’s innately part of our energetic makeup. For me – sensuality, the erotic nature of the Sacred Feminine are a very significant part of who I am. I cannot simply ‘shut it off,’ although for several years I tried. Who we are will always come back to find us.

shadows in the morning sunThere were personal wounds that required attention. Rather than turn away from those parts of myself, what was most needed was for me to sink INTO them. Not into the pain per se, yet it’s absolutely necessary to FEEL the sensations of that heartache and pain. But to sink into what I had set aside as something ‘wrong’ in me, that part of myself I couldn’t understand.

Until I was able to embrace that part of myself, to give her room to breathe, to allow her to come out and explore who she really is and how her sensual nature would engage this world if given the opportunity – she stayed in the shadows, behind my line of sight. And as long as that was true, the ‘fierce compassion and clarity’ of my true nature were shrouded in the darkness too. We MUST release our wounds, including the lies, the ‘propaganda’ we have come to believe about ourselves, in order to unleash our pure essence. Until I did that, the blinded version of my sensual nature served as master. Unconsciously, of course–that’s the whole point. When we keep who we are in the unconscious state of our awareness, we essentially operate from a place of ignorance about ourselves. I had no idea what to do with this part of myself. And yet, it continued to pulse within me and always made an appearance as simply being about SEX – when that’s not the essence of my sacred sensuality at all. In truth, me falling deeper into my self, loving all of who I am rather than cutting some parts out or making them ‘wrong’ has brought me full circle into being my own master. I serve the beauty of who I am, the Sacred Feminine essence and presence that is me; rather than remain held captive to what I have hidden away out of shame or fear. In truth, in our authentic expression, without judgment, without there being a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ – what do we have to fear about being all of who we are? This, my friends, this fear, this judgment, if you hold onto it, will become your master and will prevent you from the rawness of true intimacy with yourself and others with whom you desire it. Time to drop the shame.

Traveling Deeper into Authenticity

We are as Dorothy: following the ‘yellow brick road’ only to learn we ‘had the power all the time.’

It feels as though the transformation process is moving at a rapid pace just now. And as I am observing the journey of others, it’s clear this is not true just for me. I believe strongly that we are in a very crucial time of evolution; a space in which our choices carry enormous impact. Making even the smallest decision in our lives seems to release a chain of events that is so much more tangible than ever before.

The deeper we journey into the very soul of our authentic selves, the more our lights shine, the greater the energy we are manifesting. No longer is it just shifting quietly inside us, but the vibrancy of it is animating in a rather wild and miraculous way in our outer lives as well. The two have become intricately intertwined. Where once living a spiritual life meant meditating, burning incense, taking time to be in ‘quiet’–we are now being called to ACT on behalf of our inner truth. The quiet meditation is still part of our practice, but it is no longer enough. CHANGE requires ACTION. And these actions are not merely good deeds.

This energy emanates from the very depths of our souls–the place where our passion lives and breathes, with the brilliance of the perfect diamond. As we encounter enormous acts of inhumanity around the globe, we must turn to something equally as powerful to shift the energy. Prayer is always one of our greatest tools, and I do believe prayer has the power to align us with Universal will. Yet, there must be those of us who are willing to act on the beliefs that fuel our prayers and stand up, speak out and carry the torch on behalf of our planet–OUT LOUD.

As with everything there is a balance, and in no way do I intend to say that everyone must become an activist, taking up a cause and leaving behind our lives in its favor. There are those for whom a quiet inner life is their calling. And I do feel certain they too must live outwardly what they believe as truth in their souls. There are others who stand at the forefront of the movement for change, compassion, ‘Love in Action.’ But what must be true for all of us–however we live our lives–is that we will be asked to stand true in our beliefs, on whatever scale connects to our energies. And when that call comes, we must answer with authentic presence.

For me, the desire to be authentic is reordering so much of how I have lived. OUT LOUD sometimes feels uncomfortable. I can no longer simply keep people happy with quiet resignation of who I am. This is ‘Love in Action.’ And it moves beyond just myself and into a passion to share that love, honoring and allowing others to be their own version of Divine LOVE.

I invite you to travel deeper into your own authenticity and really explore what this all means for you. How do you stand tall in the ‘I AM’ presence that is our sacred being? And what must change in order for you to honor your own personal, inner soul calling? Are you willing to let go of the safety that comes from acquiescing to false truths within yourself? Our time is NOW, my friends. Each one of us is being called. The journey looks different on everyone, but its underlying truth remains the same: I AM a Divine being filled with sacred essence and have been gifted with the grace to live my truth.

Much love.

Changing Altitude

Change.  Uncertainty.  Lack of clarity.  How do you respond to these?  How do WE respond to these as a people?  I believe there is a shift in our approach.  Not only are we stepping forward into “allowing” ourselves to be–to just simply BE– but also we are allowing ourselves to be ALL.  And in this case, “all” means all that we are.  Divine.  Filled with the desire to love.  Open to connecting with others.  Willing to take down our walls of self-protection and move forward, facing our fears, our anxieties.  And as we do, what we realize is they had so very little power in reality, but so very much in our own minds. 

We are taking charge of the Divine potential–not even potential–the Divine TRUTH of who we are, and what we are capable of creating.  Our greatest purpose here is to love.  And what if we could just tap into that?  What if we made that our daily mantra and responded to the dilemmas, fears, frustrations–with love?

Changing altitude in a spiritual sense is much like changing altitude in a physical sense.  When flying a plane, if there are storms, they raise the altitude at which the plane is moving.  And there’s an altitude at which our human selves can’t handle the purity of air, the lack of gravity, the intensity of light.  But our spirits CAN.  Our spirit can soar far into the Universe.  We can take in all the cosmos has to offer us.  When this world weighs us down, we can defy the gravity of our baggage and raise the altitude of our consciousness.

And this is the journey friends.  THIS is what we are here to do.  Release that which holds us in place, let go of the anxieties and just allow ourselves to step into the power of our spirits.  THIS is the calling of our souls, all of us.  We are unique in how we feel Spirit move through us, and how we connect to the beauty of Life.  But we are all the same in terms of the longing in our soul.  We ache to be true, honest, filled with the integrity of Divine presence–seeking to be filled with love and healing.  And still this is not enough.  Our collective soul desires even more–to share, to channel, to become a vessel of the energy that is GRACE.  To do this, we must, must, MUST allow ourselves to rise above the density of our baggage and our ego–and change the altitude.

All are able to do this.  With attention to our inner life, our intuitive knowing; gaining an understanding of just where the shift is needed, as we tune in listening…to the whispers of our hearts….

 

Beautiful Day

It’s not so much that I have something amazing to share, only that it’s an incredibly beautiful day and I’m loving every moment!  The last week has been a journey of ups and downs, to say the least.  Monday evening and into Tuesday brought cause for tears and heartbreak.  But through each of those, an opening was made for the purity of my soul to shine through, for the inspiration of “letting go” to birth creativity–for my truest self to “be.”

The heartbreak subsided, the sun began to shine and miraculously, in tune with my inner barometer, the weather warmed up!  By the middle of the week, the veil was lifting, and I found myself walking with a bounce in my step.  Through an incredibly transformational experience on our community Facebook page, energy was shifting without me fully being conscious of it.  For the last several months, I’ve been on a journey of seeking–we always are, though aren’t we?  In this case, it was a specific journey….seeking “what’s next?”  How do I animate the energy I feel inside, what’s the right direction and why isn’t it working as I’m trying to “push” it through?  Of course, I didn’t fully realize the extent of the “push” at the time, but being on the other side of that, I can feel it.

I’ve heard talk of the “download.”  Of something so creative coming through a channel most unexpected and so, it brings with it the “miracle effect.”  I wasn’t prepared in the least–but then, I was prepared at the same time.  A paradox perhaps?  THAT my friends is where we find the inception of Spirit…in the high consciousness altitude of the Divine paradox.

It came in quickly–and as though in a flash, things shifted.  Monday it was tears and tissues.  Friday it was cartwheels (ok, yes, I refrained…that last attempt reminded me that taking 20 years off from “tumbling” isn’t to be taken lightly, lol)  and excitement that ran so hot and fast through my veins I could barely contain myself!  It’s here–the birth–it’s happening!  Something amazingly magnificent is on its way, I see it, I can feel it, I know it in the very core of my being! 

This is how it happens, though isn’t it?  We engage the heartbreak to open the crevices that lead into our soul.  We surrender to the emotion and that very same emotion becomes the guide to rebirth.  And so again….I’m THANKFUL.  I’m grateful to be on this journey, experiencing EVERY high and EVERY low that leads me deeper into myself, into authenticity, purpose and Divine connection.  I’m elated to take this journey–and every side path along the way–leading me more and more into consciousness. 

I’m listening still…for there’s more to come.  And whether the high remains, however the “expected outcome” waivers from reality….I’ll continue to tune in and listen…..to the whispers that speak to me so clear…..from my heart…..xo

On Being a “Good Girl”

At a quiet moment in my day yesterday, I had one of those AHA! moments.  The kind where something that has always been part of your life changes its meaning and form, a light bulb goes off and you become enlightened to a rich awareness.

We all have the dialogue that goes on in the “back” of our thoughts.  That voice that can be our mother, our judge or another archetypal presence.  In this particular instance, it was that “mother” voice within my own consciousness that came to the stage.  I heard her say “that’s right, good girl” in support of what I was doing.  And in that exact moment….the switch flipped!

I really could feel the energy within myself change.  We’ve all experienced these moments, and really, they’re quite stunning are they not?!  In my younger years, I soaked it up every time my mom said out loud or even hinted at me being a “good girl.”  This meant I was loved, and as many of us do I took on that to be a “good girl” – to be loved – I had to be pleasing in my actions and my words.  A rigorous code of conduct began to weave itself within my subconscious, driving me to always be pleasing to others in order to be liked or loved.

But here’s the AHA! moment, my friends.  The entirety of my being realized in the space of a nano-second – this is not true!  The goodness of my “good girl” is love, kindness, joy.  That was what my mom could feel.  THAT was why she said “good girl” to me, filled with loving sentiment.  I didn’t have to get A’s, make sure my mom was happy, try to hide any perceived flaws or mistakes.  I just was me….and that was enough!  I was a “good girl” and indeed am a “good girl” just because I am Jackie.  Just because I love to love, respect people where they are, offer kindness and caring.  And even in the times when I struggle to find this place in myself, the good does not go away.  I don’t have to earn my goodness….it just is!

What a liberating, exhilarating and incredibly uplifting realization!  This changes the whole order of your existence, an AHA! such as this!

You too are GOOD.  Not because you have to be, but because you are.  I love the first line in Mary Oliver’s poem WILD GEESE:  “you do not have to be good.”  What she conveys is you do not have to try to be good by human standards.  You are good in the eyes of the Universe.  Take a pause, and let that sink in.  You ARE good.

Your heart will tell you so.  When you pause….listen to its whispers and feel the goodness that is you.

We Are the Change

Here we are!  It’s 2011 and we’ve made it!  Our world consciousness is shifting….and we are alive to be an active part of the movement.  How absolutely invigorating!  I urge you to see yourself clearly, with full open eyes.  Understand the importance you bring to this time in history, the value of your gifts and talents, the most perfect hologram of love….this being that is YOU.

I’m a firm believer in our spiritual “charts” (astrological) and “contracts” (archetypal).  We were active participants in designing each, determining what course was most conducive to our soul’s journey in this life.   Together with our Master, Teachers, Guides and Loved Ones, we looked into this time of history and chose to be right here, right now!  We orchestrated who we are, what we’ve brought and how we will navigate our way through seeing, knowing, loving ourselves and the world around us.  Doesn’t that reality send a spine-tingling awakening call to your spirit?!

The challenges and triumphs that move us along the highs and lows of our lives, these were meant to be a part of our Earth School.  What we experience here molds us into a perfectly imperfect spirit-human being who can affect change.  We EACH have a contribution to the consciousness on our planet.  The smallest thoughts of love and kindness, to ourselves or to others can make a difference.  Truly….we know this already, do we not?

I really love Gandhi’s quote:  “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”  Well, loved ones….we are the change.  YOU are the change.  Embrace the privilege to be so.  See this era in our Earth’s timeline for just what it is….a tremendous shift in spiritual and self awareness.  Feel within yourself the power of that, the beauty of being alive RIGHT NOW.  And then, take a moment to yourself and breathe deeply into your heart, feeling GRACE envelop you in her warmth.  She is ever with you, lighting your way as you take each step forward in your soul’s voyage here.

And in the presence of grace…..listen…..for your heart whispers to you words that only you can hear.