Dancing with the Longing

A beautiful soul friend and I talked recently about the continual presence and cycle of the ‘longing.’ It takes many forms, love, let me assure you of that. It can be a ‘hunger’ for food that delights and satisfies. Often it arrives as an intimate desire of the most heated sexual kind. There are moments it’s simply an ache to FEEL the sensation of being loved, of being seen, known, adored, witnessed, cherished. Any of these can be the language of love and Her counterpart, of longing.

What I feel in myself is the truth of this Sacred Call from deep within our Souls is we are Made to Love. By our very design, we have been formed with receptors continually seeking and feeling their way to that love sensation. They carry the knowing of what it is to feel alive and awake, to become stimulated with the ancient mysteries of life, to dance, become drunk and make love with the most sensual lovers. These lovers are many. They are the desires of our hearts, our souls and YES our bodies. The longing lives in every pore of our existence.

Goddess Life Force

We have been taught ‘spiritually’ that we as human beings are falsely seeking fulfillment for that longing through earthly pleasures – for some, the beauty of being a woman and even a man who loves the aesthetics of this body. Sitting down to savor a most delicious meal. Soaking in the warmth and softness of a hot tub. Being deeply kissed and held by our lovers. Wearing something that makes you feel more fully the beauty of who you are.

I say these are not ‘shallow’ substitutes for that longing. While the deep desire to connect, to feel alive, experiencing the blood pulsing hot with life and desire for MORE is absolutely a beckoning of our souls, there are many ways in which we respond. Listening to music that moves us. Or even music that allows for the tears we long to weep to become free and flowing, dripping into a puddle on our own laps or falling sweetly on the shoulder of one who loves and holds us.

This longing is part of who we are, of who we have come here to be. Your heart and soul know from whence you come and will forever be calling you back to that beautiful, love-filled place that is your own Sacred HOME. We take on the form of a body to remind us of that longing, to allow us to feel the sensation of DESIRE, yes, even of lust, aching, pleasure, hunger…this so that we can then soak in the satiated ecstasy of what it is to fully FEEL all of our selves.

This, loves, this is the longing. This is why and how it ebbs and flows. We feel ourselves become filled, only to empty and await the surge of our lovers, of our selves as our own lover, once again. It is a mystical, holy dance in which we become engaged, and through which we find more and more of the pure, glowing Light that Is HER.

I believe we each experience this through the grace that is our own soul, and am curious how it feels for each of us. For me, so very sensual, and at times, fiery. Others, it’s the the soothe I long to feel.

Falling into Emptiness

Emptiness. Just the word alone has a ring of auspiciousness to it, does it not? Something inside us panics when we feel the vibrations of this word, and yet we all know what it feels like to move into a space of emptiness. Of not feeling attached to, connected to any one particular thing.

I find myself in this space of being. There are moments my mind tries to wrangle it into submission, wanting to be busy with something. Trying to think of ways to spend my time. In the life my husband and I have created together, I am left with a lot of free time at this stage in my life. Our youngest daughter will leave for college in just a few weeks, although we found our children home less frequently once they began to drive, so not having them in the house isn’t new. At least not entirely. What does feel new is being at this place where there isn’t going to be any need for mothering, and if I’m honest, I feel that part of my life has run its course. I’ll still be a mother and love and nurture these beautiful beings that came to be ‘ours’ in this life, but not on a daily basis. Neither they nor I want that any longer. In our own ways, we all desire to be free to choose the next steps of our lives.

I’ve also let go of my business as it no longer felt fueled by passion. If there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that passion must be present in whatever I commit to–and I’m still in the process of understanding just how that feels. When I sink into the emptiness, the vast spans of time that are now left uncluttered by doing – I find feelings of not being ‘anything.’ We all know these feelings – they come with needing to accomplish, to label, to prove, to DO something. Only – there’s nothing at this time in my life that is clearly calling to be done. What has called is a clearing of what no longer resonates.

emptiness

It’s not a space we feel comfortable in – the emptiness. The lack of scheduling, of accomplishing, of being needed, of having our time encroached upon – thus proving our importance. And yet, even alongside the insecurities that arise in this dark space of nothingness, I find it’s just what I desire. I want more depth, more real, more passion and meaning. I want to know that when I give my time and energy it’s because it uplifts my soul, it stirs my juices and brings into being more of the beauty I am here to be. We all know the language by now, words like authentic, spiritual, healing, awakening. And while these words and energies have served us well, there’s no longer a pulsing frequency in them for me. There’s a new language waiting to be discovered. There’s something that wishes to be birthed, only it’s not yet come into matter. There is no form, only an understanding of its promise and presence. There are remembrances in my being that haven’t quite yet become identifiable – if they ever will.

It’s unnerving to simply witness the old feelings of not being enough arising for me in this space. And yet, as an observer rather than an active participant in those weighted beliefs, we don’t have to become attached to the emotions we’re used to feeling in that space. We can simply watch. Let ourselves feel whatever arises, but not become consumed by it. If there is to be a consummation in my being, I wish it to be one of passion, of feeling alive in every sense of the word. This time to me feels like sloughing off the layers of what no longer carries life.

I have no idea what comes next. And I have days full of free time in which to sink deeper into myself and whatever she might wish to bring forth. In spite of the discomfort that arises, there is a sense of the luxury afforded to me in doing so. For that I radiate gratitude.

Whispers in Reflection

I truly had no idea how dark this year has felt for me. Oh, I’ve moved along with each crisis, celebration and life event. And yet–I somehow stepped out of a sacred space, immersed more and more into the physical reality that swirled around me. The details don’t matter because my focus here is really the journey back into myself. My beloved soul companion Joss Burnel articulated it perfectly in saying that we each have times in our lives where our lives demand much of us and we exist in a different space. But when we come back into the quiet, the serenity, we feel before us a newness of ourselves and an opportunity in which to determine what pieces of our former life we will take forward. There is an energy of discovery in this new way of being that Life Herself has ushered us into.

DSC01356The whispers are returning, sweet friends. Those heart whispers that allow me to close my eyes and feel the Grace move through–those whispers that indeed allow each one of us to do that in our own unique ways. It’s not that we’ve been disconnected, only that for a period of time our attention and energy were needed elsewhere. It’s the ebb and Flow of our lives, though, isn’t it? It certainly has been for mine. I’m not sure I can recall a period of time in which so much has occurred in such a short space in my life. And I must admit I did find myself feeling it was absurd for all of this to be in MY life!? How on earth did this come to be? I don’t live this way. All those silly, false truths floated their way to the surface. And in reflection I see that I am human as are you–we each have these times in our lives and we are each given the gifts that reveal themselves as the dark veils begin to lift.

Our Sacred Circle gathering today was centered around the following passage from Circle of Stones. Upon reading it, I could sense the relevance to other times in my life, but it wasn’t until I sat in the beautiful, sacred circle of women I love that I really felt the truth of the darkness in my life so recently. It didn’t the look the way one might expect. I remembered to find consciousness through it. But that’s very different from moving into a deeply sacred, soulfully present space. THAT is the space I so love and find myself longing for. And that, my dear friends is the space we share here together. Thank you for bringing your presence into this extraordinary virtual sanctuary that is ours. We revel in the light of Divine Presence, and isn’t that, in truth, the space from which even the darkness originates?

From today’s event:

“How might your life have been different, if, as a young woman, there had been a place for you, a place where you could go to be among women… a place for you when you had feelings of darkness? And, if there had been another woman, somewhat older, to be with you in your darkness, to be with you until you spoke… spoke out your pain and anger and sorrow.

And, if you had spoken until you had understood the sense of your feelings, how they reflected your own nature, your own deepest nature, crying out of the darkness, struggling to be heard.

And, what if, after that, every time you had feelings of darkness, you knew that the woman would come to be with you? And would sit quietly by as you went into your darkness to listen to your feelings and bring them to birth… So that, over the years, companioned by the woman, you learned to no longer fear your darkness, but to trust it… to trust it as the place where you could meet your own deepest nature and give it voice.

How might your life be different if you could trust your darkness… could trust your own darkness?” ~ Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk 

Holding Space With the Sacred

It’s a funny thing, this world of ‘blogging.’ Doesn’t even sound right: blogging. So often when I’m walking or driving I find myself dictating posts in my mind, sharing with you so many things that amaze and inspire me. There are AHA! moments and wonders of this beautiful planet we inhabit; thoughts about what is and perhaps what might be. And yet, I sit to write and all those thoughts drift away leaving me to turn inward and seek the words waiting to be whispered. 

Today let me begin with THANK YOU. Thank you for taking the time to read my writing, to share your thoughts, to engage on the conscious level required to live authentically. Thank you for walking by my side as I explore the ‘good, the bad and the ugly.’ Thank you for your willingness to take this journey through the waves of emotion and uncertainty that accompany living our truth. Thank you. Whether you move silently with me or stop to post a comment and let your own voice be heard–we have a community of connection here in this space, for which I am deeply grateful. 

‘Inner Self’ by Elena Ray

It’s like prayer, I realize. We don’t have to get down on our knees and fold our hands, we don’t have to sit in yoga poses. We simply have to be, to allow, to ask, to receive. It’s quiet, subtle. The movement at times is like the crescendo of a symphony, and others sleek as the moon shining into the darkness. It’s always happening, though. Whether we are aware of it or not. The energy, the power, pulsating beneath what we see with our human eyes or ‘know’ in the recesses of our human mind. There is, however  a much deeper intelligence that senses it, craving its Presence, waiting for the very radiance of its Light to break through even our darkest moments. 

Finally (!) it feels as though the darkness has eased and broken for me. I can’t say I know when such a state has come upon me in the last several years. Surely we all go into this space? Unknowing, clear in our thoughts yet so muddled in our emotions. Unable to grasp anything that bonds us to the Divine even while we desperately ache to make the connection. And in truth, my friends, the stark reality is there’s not really a damn thing we can do to change it. Our tools are prayer, awareness and perhaps most of all a spirit of allowing. We cannot make sense of it through accessing the mind and all the training and knowledge we’ve accumulated thus far. The option that lies before us is to ask for help, to surrender into the gentle Flow and allow IT to move US. In some way, we are powerless. 

But that’s not true on the level of our souls, either. While we are powerless to control the emotional disconnect of it all, we are always able to choose how we will respond to whatever it is we may encounter. Seems we’ve been raised to believe that if something doesn’t feel right–well, you just do this or that and it will be better. Oh, no loved ones–this is not the dialogue of our souls. Our power there lies in trust, faith, openness. Always, always there is purpose. Always, always we are held in the arms of the Divine. Even when we cannot feel it, we are given the choice to trust. Trust we are loved. Trust the Divine is there, even when we feel separate. 

Words struggle to convey this truth. It seems so simple, and yet while in the midst of it, there is great angst soothed only by the comfort of prayer and faith. How strange for ME to lean on these two, for after the tumultuous experience with religion in my teens, I cast off all connotations to my childhood faith. They hold a different energy for me today than they did then, and yet I can see the delight my soul took in being One with the sacred even then. Ah, but that’s a story for another day. 

For today, remember this sacred truth: there is purpose in every moment. Every word is our prayer. And we are always held in the arms of Grace. It feels like a trinity of truths…holding space with the sacred…..if we choose. 

 

Feeling Through the Layers

It’s happening again. I hear the screaming woman in my head which means something is about to break wide open. There’s a struggle within myself: heart or mind? Knowing or feeling? Truth or status? ‘Good’ or real? 

I didn’t trust it for a moment
but I drank it anyway,
the wine of my own poetry.

It gave me the daring to take hold
of the darkness and tear it down
and cut it into little pieces.

~Lalla

And so 2012’s theme for my life persists. It was January 2 that I wrote Breaking Down the Box, followed by this comment back to a fellow blogger: ‘That’s where I’m heading in 2012…into the space where the mind becomes the observer and the deeper part of myself is the author.’ Little did I realize how prophetic that statement truly was. The dismantling of my ‘self’ has continued. What has felt safe and ‘good’ for so long no longer holds appeal. Unknown wounds appear out of nowhere. An emptiness endures which cannot be fed. The challenge is on–let go, surrender or satisfy the self with proving my point, being right, being ‘good.’ It’s ugly to even see in print. 

‘Dark Night’ by Fosforix

The beauty, however, is that amidst the darkest night of our souls there is always light. While this year has brought tremendous angst, inner turmoil and struggle–it’s also been one of connecting so deeply and intimately with truth and sacred presence that those experiences almost seem to intensify the dark moments. To have merged with the Divine in oneself so deeply in a very pure and real way is a gift. One that we expect and hope will last or reoccur upon awaking each day. I daresay there is a depression that sets in when we cannot repeat the connection. It’s a rare thing to glimpse the face of God, to be in the presence of such radiant sacredness. It’s where the soul longs to be in every moment of every day. And yet….we ARE human, too.

So comes the balance, the harmony of allowing oneself to be fully present in THIS world. It feels very much like a death, this unraveling combined with a perceived absence of the Divine. I *know intellectually what appears to be taking place. Yet there is no way to make the heart step over what lies in her path. The only way ‘out’ is through. The only answer I know is to be IN it–to let the truth of it be my voice. And believe me, my friends–it’s very uncomfortable. Being so transparent, sharing such deep intimate feelings is a vulnerable place to be. Still, I feel to be in good company. For I’ve talked with, read and watched many of you go through your own unraveling in the midst of a dark night.

Vulnerability and openness connect us. We see ourselves in the face of another. It raises our ability to serve as compassionate human beings, to be honest with ourselves and each other. And to drop the facade that ‘everything is ok.’ Because even though I trust fully in the Divine purpose and order of our lives, there are times as a spirit living in a human body that everything is absolutely NOT ok. That’s my truth dear ones: everything is not ok. But somewhere beneath the layers of ego, fear and pain is the truth that I am Divine and I am always fully held in the arms of the Divine. It’s just going to take some time to release the barriers to FEELING that truth. 

~ * ~

I came across these related posts while searching for a photo and wanted to share with you.  

Dark Night of the Soul by Jacque Keil

The Dark Night of the Soul by Chris Duel

A Soul’s Longing


Empty.

Waiting. Wanting.

Ready to be filled up.

Aching for something…someone

Absent of human form

Exceeding my physical reach.

 

Blocks. Desperation.

Struggling, reaching

Unable to grasp, to go beyond

To get within

The castle of my soul.

 

Dark night?

I don’t know.

Tears beg to come, but don’t.

Words begin to form–

Only to fall apart again.

 

Empty, hungry.

Frenzy building beneath the surface.

What is it?

Holding me here….

Blocked, just outside the veil.

 

Why can’t I enter?

I hear the call, and then it’s gone.

How do I get from here to there?

What is the next step to take?

I can’t see it nor feel it.

 

What is here to guide my way?

I’m asking…pleading.

Come to me.

 

Let me feel you in every pore of my being

Taste your sweetness lingering on my lips

Hear you with the ears of my heart

Know you absent of words spoken aloud

See you again behind the lids of my eyes.

 

Let me know it’s you

I long for you.

Be with me.

 

This is the cry of my soul,

The ache in my heart–

The restlessness of my being.

Come to me

As though we are one.

 

I open myself to you….

Ready, willing, surrendering

Into the grace of your presence.

 

Amen.

 


	

Space of the Sacred

A spiritual journey is what we are all here for–whether we are consciously traveling its roads or not.  Karma weaves itself into the events of our lives as we play out the sacred contract we have come here to fulfill in being who we are.  There are many words to describe this process–transformation, enlightenment, spiritual alchemy, awakening. And we will encounter our truest self through the mirror of our relationships, whether we are aware of it or not.  What we do with this reflection is one of the key elements in connecting to the intensity and depth of the soul.

Chartres Cathedral--Chartres, France

As we become more and more aware of the dialogue shared with the most interior sanctuary of ourselves, we learn to feel its language.  A deep longing to find connection to the greatness of the Universe calls out to us, seducing us into its embrace.  We begin to recognize our emotions as pathways into Spirit.  At times, we even feel the beckoning to let go of yet another layer.  Although it may be painful or uncomfortable, it brings us to a depth of intimacy with the Sacred that we desperately desire.  And once we move through the discomfort, as we open our eyes to the exquisite nature of the Divine, we understand the alchemical nature of the experience.

I believe we can sense it at times–a knowing inside ourselves that it’s time to peel another layer.  Time to let go of something our soul no longer needs on this journey, “something” that stands between us and Divine ecstasy.  The impulse will be to turn away and avoid what we fear might accompany the release of human “stuff,” but what we must realize is the Universe holds space for us.  Lovingly supporting us through even the darkest moments, and emerging with us in Light–or ENLIGHTENED–on the other side.

Honor the voice of your soul.  Allow yourself to hear its call…..step into it…..ever awakening your consciousness….drawing closer to your innermost sacredness…….through the whispers of your heart……