Primal Desire

Penetration. We hunger for it. Our bodies naturally long to merge with another as part of the satisfaction to our longing. Our hearts ever seeking out a way to expand, weaving into the thread of Life in the most beautiful and intimate way. Our souls seeking over and over again the balm that soothes our cavernous aching – to be touched and kissed into a deeper awakening of who we are.

We go through these glorious and sometimes gut-wrenching ebbs and flows of life, through portals of seemingly continual opening and closing, only to find ourselves laid bare, naked and exposed in some new way. It’s the hunger that keeps us alive, the hunger that stokes the fires burning us from the inside out. It’s the full on penetration of the Sacred we long to feel.

Our sense is that we need to feed the body – food, sex, pleasure – and we do. And yet, a much more intense part of our ‘feeding’ is the full presence of ourselves with open hearts and bared souls. We truly become aroused with our own nakedness, our innately raw vulnerability. Ironically, it’s the very thing we have been taught to fear. Primal desire. ‘Painstaking’ hunger.

triple candleI’m here to say it doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be painful or tear us apart from one end of ourselves to another. The key lies in the allowing, in the complete and utter surrender into whatever it is that may be calling us. I’ve written a lot about the number of things that can be, and it feels the deeper I go into my own life ‘work’ the more intimately I am being drawn into the sacredness of our sexuality.

I don’t quite know all of what this is stirring in me. There’s a more direct conversation happening in myself. As much as I feel I’ve been ‘risky’ in my recent posts and sharing, I have a sense that is NOTHING compared to what’s coming in 2015. More and more there are responses to posts on my Facebook page around sexuality as a sacred portal into our wholeness, into our healing and expansion as both Sacred Feminine and Sacred Masculine – as male and female alike. There IS something in the act of sex – with ourselves, for ourselves, with others and for others – that is more potent than we yet fully realize.

And it’s time to wake up. My friends would know me to say it’s time to ‘wake the fuck up!’ It is. I feel it. Years ago I felt perplexed around the word ‘juicy’ as it related to me. I feel today as though I’m in a crash course on opening into that fully and I’ve barely scraped the surface. So the next bit of advice I’ll give you is this – buckle the fuck up. Because it’s coming and I have zero intention of stopping this flow. I am wide open. I am hungry for all that is wanting to come through me in every possible way and I will continue to say yes again and again and again.

I am certain of this – I am a channel of the Sacred Feminine in all Her purity, in all Her beauty, sensuality, sexuality and grace. I am filled with the juices of Her expansion, Her climax, Her release and expulsion on all of life. And my work here is to allow Her expression and voice, without censor. I say yes. And I am ready for whatever that means. Are you?

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If You Let it Become Your Master

You have to work on the personal wounds behind your personal anger to free the fierce compassion energy and the clarity that anger can give you access to, but can dominate and destroy if you let it become your master. ~ Andrew Harvey

I’m listening to an interview from a few years ago with one of my beloved teachers – mystic and Sacred Activist Andrew Harvey. As he makes the statement above, I feel a tingle of understanding in myself. There are moments when what we naturally ‘know’ in our consciousness is put into words, into something clear and tangible – that AHA moment. As I heard Andrew talk about his own challenge with anger, with letting go of his own personal attachments and justifications around his anger, I related this to my own experience with my sexuality – a vital part of who I am, as his anger is a vital part of his work and who Andrew is.

I believe that what we are here for is unique to each of us individually, and on a grander scale is really about raising the vibration of this planet into one that is pure, cosmic love. We each have our own individual ‘brand’ of what that love feels like, breathes and pulses as within our bodies, within our own consciousness. Our life experiences funnel into that connection, often creating the very rupture that will bring us back to ourselves. For me, there is a trail of interactions, programming, upbringing, self beliefs in which my sexuality, my naturally sensual feminine nature and way of being were simply NOT acceptable. And yet, they were in a state of continual arousal – because who we ARE doesn’t simply go away by being told to do so. It’s innately part of our energetic makeup. For me – sensuality, the erotic nature of the Sacred Feminine are a very significant part of who I am. I cannot simply ‘shut it off,’ although for several years I tried. Who we are will always come back to find us.

shadows in the morning sunThere were personal wounds that required attention. Rather than turn away from those parts of myself, what was most needed was for me to sink INTO them. Not into the pain per se, yet it’s absolutely necessary to FEEL the sensations of that heartache and pain. But to sink into what I had set aside as something ‘wrong’ in me, that part of myself I couldn’t understand.

Until I was able to embrace that part of myself, to give her room to breathe, to allow her to come out and explore who she really is and how her sensual nature would engage this world if given the opportunity – she stayed in the shadows, behind my line of sight. And as long as that was true, the ‘fierce compassion and clarity’ of my true nature were shrouded in the darkness too. We MUST release our wounds, including the lies, the ‘propaganda’ we have come to believe about ourselves, in order to unleash our pure essence. Until I did that, the blinded version of my sensual nature served as master. Unconsciously, of course–that’s the whole point. When we keep who we are in the unconscious state of our awareness, we essentially operate from a place of ignorance about ourselves. I had no idea what to do with this part of myself. And yet, it continued to pulse within me and always made an appearance as simply being about SEX – when that’s not the essence of my sacred sensuality at all. In truth, me falling deeper into my self, loving all of who I am rather than cutting some parts out or making them ‘wrong’ has brought me full circle into being my own master. I serve the beauty of who I am, the Sacred Feminine essence and presence that is me; rather than remain held captive to what I have hidden away out of shame or fear. In truth, in our authentic expression, without judgment, without there being a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ – what do we have to fear about being all of who we are? This, my friends, this fear, this judgment, if you hold onto it, will become your master and will prevent you from the rawness of true intimacy with yourself and others with whom you desire it. Time to drop the shame.

Sexuality. This is Your Conscience.

These were the words accompanying this image, linking it to a post apparently no longer visible. The words and image alone stirred something inside myself. Sexuality has a conscience? What does that look like or mean?

What it felt like inside me, this sensual pairing of words and visual imagery, was yet another layer of liberating the censorship and darkening of our sexuality. It felt like setting her free, letting her breathe and dance and become drunk on her own self, lost in the ecstatic bliss of falling into love with being love, making love, becoming love. Too many barriers to doing so. Too much judgment and labeling of what is right and what is wrong. Overload of illusion and lies.

golden shoes

 

It’s changing though, shifting course with rapid and fiery pace. Are you experiencing it? Perhaps it’s especially potent for me, having stuffed, quieted and barely recognized my own sexuality all these years. We came into this life knowing one another very well. As I’ve shared here before, I have always loved the idea of sex, the sensual connection we feel in our bodies when in touch with something erotic. And really – that can be absolutely anything.

What if the ‘conscience’ of sexuality is symbolized in this image? It evokes a luxury of presence, a confidence, richness, deep sense of being. We might imagine a woman that knows who she is, feeling beautifully and radiantly comfortable in her own skin. For me, the image pulls forth a full body response. The rest of her story draws me and her presence is alluring.

This is how I want to walk through this life. Ever on the verge of being penetrated by the mystical, drenching in sacredness all around me. It’s more and more what my entire being is waking up to, re-membering. The conditioning has very little hold anymore. So what I know in this moment, is that if my sexuality has a conscience, it runs crystal clear, always holy and sometimes very, very red hot.

Natural Born Beauty

In my quest for authenticity, I thought it was time to let my hair grow ‘natural’ – as in ‘gray.’ It’s about 50/50 dark/gray under the gorgeous, rich brown color I have loved for so long. In my 30’s I did ‘the blonde thing’ for a few years. At the time, it felt a little wild and I liked that. But luxurious brunette is truly who I am and what most makes me feel beautiful.

Little did I know the journey I was about to embark upon by choosing to ‘let the gray grow.’ The whisper of it was exhilarating – riding on the back of the motorcycle with my love, feeling the breeze, fully connecting to the Presence of All That Is. It was as though we were sitting in conversation, SHE and I. As I contemplated a haircut and the sparkle making its way through my roots, I heard HER: ‘Why do you cover up who you are with that ‘muck’ on your head? You are already beautiful. You will simply be MORE beautiful with your gray hair.’ My whole self smiled with the sensation SHE sent my way as I felt HER words ripple through my bodies; it was the sensation of BEAUTIFUL. And so I decided to let the gray come….to stop coloring and ‘covering up’ who I am….and I was excited about it.

Until. The hairdresser suggested that in order to get rid of the dark color, we highlight blonde to begin lightening my hair in order to match the gray tones growing in. I was definitely not thrilled over this, but felt committed to the process. Oh my friends, let me tell you how dark that experience became. I was horrified in seeing my reflection. For three weeks, I tried to fall in love with the woman I saw in the mirror – and have loved for so long. I have known her from the inside and come to love who I am. But as vain as it may sound, I could not feel that love for my own outer beauty with this foreign, frizzy, blonde, ugly hair. Waves of emotion poured through me, as though I became women from lifetimes before who were forced to have their heads shaved and their beauty stripped from them. As the tears flowed, I went deeper and deeper into how much our own natural beauty as a woman DOES matter. It’s part of our feminine essence. We each attach to it in unique ways, we express who we are through the way we dress, wear our hair, put on makeup or not, paint our lashes, adorn our curves and color our lips.

What I realized, my loves, is that I have been this woman who loves beauty all along, only when I witnessed this passion in other women judged rather than embraced them for it. I convinced myself this is not who I am. That I choose to let my natural way of aging, of changing, of becoming to reveal and blossom. Thus – the gray hair. I understood how my own judgment played into the ancient patriarchal wounding of women…..of myself. My outer beauty matters to me, just as much as my inner beauty does. One is not better or more sacred than the other. Without going through this process, I wouldn’t have understood that in quite the way I do now.

me 3.14What I believe SHE was whispering to me was to let go of believing I have to be ONE WAY in order to be authentic. Rather than trying to be something I am not – in love with gray hair that feels dull to my lively personality and passion – HER desire is for me to find what feels beautiful TO ME, AS ME, FOR ME – and to honor it. I’m thrilled to share that yesterday we ‘washed that blonde right out of my hair’ and the natural born beauty of a brunette that I AM is breathing with life once more. I feel amazing – not only because I am beautiful to my own eye, but because through this experience I released so much for myself and for women everywhere. It’s okay to want to be beautiful on the outside too. Somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that – who we are as beautiful women. Whether we go naturally gray or love the vivacious colors we can play with, wear makeup or feel fresh without it. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we allow our own voice to express in whatever way she wishes. That we are true to HER call for us.

Your personal invitation to AWAKENING WOMAN

 

All I Have to Bare

Let me feel You in my pores
Sweet essence of Love
Washing out all over me

I want to feel Love as though She were an ocean
Her rhythm riding me as a gentle storm
To close my eyes and merge into You

And when I close my eyes
I feel your Love as a Wave that crashes over me
Pulling me, dragging me under
Without breath
Or thought
Or care

Sweet abandon
Release
My own undoing
Release

Stripping away every last shred of resistance
My dignity left lying on Your floor

All I have to bare is me
Beautiful breasts await Your Breath
The heat of sweet lips open to meet Your Tender Kisses 
Arms wide in surrender, giving all of my self to You

I want to feel Your gaze upon my sex
Drinking her in
Tasting her
Losing yourself in Her dark cavernous Light of Beckoning

sensuality

I want to know how it feels for you to be inside of me
Pressing
Opening

‘Just a little bit more my darling’
You whisper with each new entry into my Feminine folds
My lips are wet with the taste of You

Leaving me longing for more
Hungry for Your Touch
Desirous of our Bodies to connect once again

Pausing only to see into the spirit of each other
Becoming both the Seer and the Seen
Burning in the fiery gaze of a soul’s lust
For HER within and from each other
Our intimacy formed perfectly
Fit together as though designed

I love to feel You
From the inside out
To know Your presence 
Even before You come

My soul longs to feel Your penetration 
Ever more deeply, sweetly, fiercely 

I am laid bare
Spread wide apart
Open, waiting, calling You to me
Hungry for all that only You can bring

I am yours oh Beloved One
I am yours

Beautiful Truth of the Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy. Some of us feel it more than others–I am certainly one of those women. I’ve been thinking about it recently, as I’ve told myself I’m being jealous and looked within to discover why. What I’m recognizing is that jealousy is not about wanting to BE someone else or have what they have, it’s about an old sting of lack in ourselves, and specifically not yet having a clear understanding of who we are. When we know who we are, we fall in love with ourselves. We can’t imagine being someone or something else because we are so enamored with all that we already ARE.

And just to be clear, I’m not talking about admiring someone else. I’m talking about jealousy in the way we’ve experienced it as a ‘bad word’ to define how we feel–especially as women toward one another. You rarely hear of a woman truly being jealous of a man, do you? No, most often this is one of those emotions made ugly by way of the patriarchal influence that is now dissolving itself away through the presence of the authentic Divine Feminine.

green wallz.moon.pkWhat I can truly see now, is that jealousy is not ugly. It’s an aspect of our ability to Love, our DESIRE to Love. To love ourselves, to love others, to be in love with all that falls into our lives. To move deep into the space of the heart and FEEL LOVE. Now let’s look from another angle at that ‘green eyed’ monster…..

GREEN. Green is the color of the heart chakra, the color of healing, of life, renewal, rebirth, of our Mother Earth. Green is the color of LOVE. And so, what if jealousy is really a desire for Love? What if we began to FEEL in ourselves that when a pang of ‘jealousy’ strikes, it is merely the whisper of Love reminding us who She is, of who WE are with HER? What if that instant shot of what we consider to be unhappiness is in her reality a beckoning of Love Herself, calling us, pulling us ever more deeply into ourselves, into our beautiful, radiant selves and the gorgeous stream of Love that lives within?

What if, my friends? What if all we have bought and allowed as truth no longer resonates as our reality? What if we opened ourselves to a whole new dictionary and language of being and all these labels have it wrong? What if? Then I would be one powerhouse of pure, GREEN, radiating, gorgeous, pulsing, pour-all-over-you LOVE! And I daresay, so would you.