The Words

Lots on my heart and little I can share openly about it. I don’t know what to say – how does one find words for events that feel overwhelmingly without hope of ‘positive’ outcome? Oh yes, I could say a lot about our perceptions and the illusions of what is positive and that all is working in our best interest. But not today. Part of me can’t find a care about that today. This is far from my usual approach to life, but I just can’t shake it. Today everything in my being questions all that I have practiced, tuned into and believed as true for the last 8 years. I’ve never been the one to ask why something happened to me, to my family. Today I’m asking. I’m angry that it’s happening. I’m angry at the idea that it might be ‘just what we all need.’ How on earth can that be true? (My spiritual self steps in here to note – it doesn’t have to be true on earth. I’d like to squash that voice today.)

I’m not talking about my feelings out loud in order to have a ranting session. I think we must all come to this place in our lives, we must each have experiences where we just want to scream out at God for bringing us to this place. Listening to Caroline Myss and other teachers all these years talk about ‘those people’ (my emphasis with the quotes, not hers) who ask ‘why this happened to me’–I never got that. I can’t recall another time when I’ve felt quite like this. Having the level of consciousness to believe in the purity of Divine presence and each of us having our own path mingled with the level of devastation I feel today is unnerving. And I can’t seem to shake it.

This blog has been a place for me to express. I’ve shared the most positive of experiences and realizations and a few of the not-so-pretty ones. This is perhaps the ugliest and most uncomfortable thus far. Angry. I’m fuming deep inside myself. The heartbreak remains. I’m becoming more and more understanding of people who feel this way, when previously I just couldn’t grasp why one couldn’t move out of this space. Even while I want to lash out at all the Divine truth that lives within my being, I’m acutely aware of its inner workings as I write about my anger. Already the gift is unfolding–because I have a different perspective of the devastating impact people sometimes feel on their psyche and well being with the events of earth school.

I’m asking how this can possibly be for our benefit. I’m desperately searching for something to hold onto, to get me through just one day at a time. And as much as there is anger churning and popping up when I least expect it, the deeper truths continue to whisper into my heart. All is well. If I can just keep coming back to that…

I received a beautiful message from my dear friend Joss Burnel in the form of her recent post Be Still and Know. She shares a meditation she recorded that I’ve listened to several times over the last day, feeling a comfort and connection each time. It truly is the little things. I have no words of wisdom or guidance to share with you, just my own feelings and thoughts. I’m certain there are others of you who understand this place of being all too well. I now have a deeper sense of awareness for how you feel and what happens when one is in this space. I don’t know what else to do except just be in this moment and all that comes with it. ‘This too shall pass.’ xo

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Circle of Remembrance

Expression. My soul craves it. And yet–the words have yet to cooperate. I KNOW I wish to write today. It’s been too long away. I desire too much to move into this channel of grace that is my heart speaking. And so my prayer is this: I’m open. Allow the truth to be shared through me. Servant of truth. Channel of grace. Amen. 

I keep coming back around to the theme of my life in 2012: I AM. It began in 2011 as a proclamation TO myself of the Divine presence that is us All. I stood up, took accountability, willing to be seen, heard and recognized. So many steps outside my comfort zone–and it was exhilarating most of the time. 

But this year has been different. The walls are falling down around me. There is significant change in how I see myself, what I experience from within – and the beliefs I’ve claimed as my own are crumbling. I know this process: refining. My soul understands it. My mind in all her brilliance and desire to protect me, tries to reason through it. And yet, there is nothing the mind can do to ease the process. 

When you pray, you draw to you and invoke Grace. Grace is uncontaminated conscious light. It is divinity. Prayer brings grace and grace calms you. That is the cycle. Grace is the tranquilizer of the soul. With grace comes a knowing that what you are experiencing is necessary. It calms you with a sense of knowing.~Gary Zukav

The No Comfort Zone Challenge. I’ve said before I couldn’t have imagined what it would unlock within myself–and that continues to prove true. While I’m not participating within the guidelines of doing something each week, there is indeed a shift in my reality that is steadily present. It feels as though there is even too much to begin sharing, and I find myself again at a loss for words.

I know this to be true: My soul called out to the Divine, asking, begging for connection. My greatest desire is to heal, to be of service, to live and choose with integrity. I fully knew turning 40 was going to be a significant turning point in my life. As I’m watching my younger sister go through the process of her first pregnancy, my daughter maneuver through her first year of college, my parents buy a new home for the first time in over 25 years: there is a clear transition happening in each one of them. They are leaving behind one stage of life and moving through the tunnel into another. There is discomfort, exhilaration, joy, sadness, grief, excitement–nearly every scale of emotion. So much is changing in our lives–in my life. I’m letting go of layers of who I was, opening myself even more to who I AM. In REAL time. 

Pieces are falling away. Growing pains. We so want to ‘get there’–and yet there are stages we must go through along the way. I’ve been one of the greatest promoters of a positive attitude. That began to change as I read Gary Zukav’s chapter on the optimist in his book ‘The Heart of the Soul.‘ At times our optimism–MY optimism–is a protective barrier from seeing truth, FEELING truth. It’s taken several months for that reality to sink in. And then I read in Joss Burnel’s ‘What I Know About Fibro’ about our inability to really connect to what another might be feeling when they are in pain. Nothing in that chapter jumped out at me, but a subtle realization began. The messages are coming through clearly: somehow, I’m disconnected from the truth of my feelings, and so from the truth of myself. The signs are everywhere–through the Grace of the Universe in assisting me to ‘get it.’  (Incidentally, neither I nor anyone in my family have Fibro. But I found Joss’s wisdom to be pure and filled with guidance on how to love ourselves, acknowledge not only our pain, but our bodies, our whole selves, and begin to heal in places we aren’t even aware require healing.) 

And so–the No Comfort Zone has really become the story of my life this year. All the places I’ve sought comfort: being a good mom, taking care of others, eating delicious food, seeing a ‘good’ figure in the mirror–the list could go on–all of these are falling away. Until there’s only ME left. There is no comfort in those places. They aren’t reflecting back to me what they once did.

And so I turn to something greater: GRACE. ‘Prayer brings grace and grace calms you.’ This is the loving hand of the Universe. Grace. We aren’t on this journey for it to be easy. We are on this journey to understand and more and more choose to BE who we truly are. We are here to let go of our own pretense–whether it came with us into this life or became a necessary part of our survival along the way. Our ever increasing lesson is to recognize when we no longer NEED it…and through prayer and grace….to let it go. THAT is where the comfort begins. With grace–the tranquilizer of the soul.