Unraveling: ‘Spiritual Healing’ Not Required

It’s been quiet here–you may have noticed. Or perhaps not. This year, 2015, has brought with her many challenges and undoings, my health especially. I learned of my thyroid illness just after the birth of my son – nearly 21 years ago now. There were some times of struggle, but they’ve been in the distant past. Until now.

Discovering how jeopardized my health has been with the current condition of my thyroid was actually both shocking and quite devastating. In the midst of a virus type illness, I had a blood test, only to learn the number which should be around 4 was actually 41. In an instant I felt how deeply (and unconsciously) I’d been fooling myself with the belief my fatigue was due to a very busy autumn and holiday season. The path back to feeling well again feels so much longer than I’d like it to be. My health has been part of my vitality. To suddenly not have that feels foreign and to me.

Unraveling

At the same time I’m maneuvering this new way of loving myself, I’ve also dropped a lot of the labels and roles I felt were mine. They no longer seem to fit. Not because of my health, but alongside it.

What I’m discovering is a new way of being me, of loving me, of allowing myself all that is true. Every ugly emotion, every moment of feeling discouraged or alone, every new path that leads only to me. There are very few who will stand beside you and celebrate who you are outside of the spiritual ‘rules’ of healing yourself, being positive and uplifting, staying in love. Rules and expectations that actually closet pieces of our true nature, our raw emotions.

It occurred to me one afternoon as I rested and wrestled within myself that to so many in what I term the ‘spiritual’ community it might appear as though I’m immune to some deeper issue that is making me sick. Something about unblocking my 5th chakra, changing my diet, cleansing my energy field. We have somehow allowed into our spiritual lives this list of rules by which we are supposed to be living if we are in fact on a path of healing and wholeness. That list includes not being a victim and in some cases, not saying how you truly feel without the disclaimer of ‘but I know it’s all with purpose.’ A disclaimer that too often sets aside our pure (and dark) emotions of frustration, anger, discouragement, heartache. We are celebrated in our becoming. Who will stand at our side through the unbecoming?

In truth – it has to be us – ourselves. It’s not about anyone else understanding or celebrating our individual path. That’s the sharp realization I had that day on the couch. In my own inner dialogue I heard other people’s voices seeming to say ‘you’re not doing anything to heal yourself.’ My own voice respond with a truth that I am healing. Even in lying on the couch, feeling down and without any energy, unable to tap into something ‘sacred’ in my body – even in that moment, I knew, I felt my truth.

In simply being me, in allowing the illness to do its work as it is – I am healing. We forget the value of being much too easily. I find myself sinking deeper into its power as I am able to do less of the daily activities that were just a short bit ago a very big part of my life. The truth that continues to come is I am not who I was even a few months ago. Everything is different. I cannot tell you why or what comes next, I can only speak to where I am in this moment. I know who I am – and yet the question dances in my dreams – who am I now?

Dancing with the Longing

A beautiful soul friend and I talked recently about the continual presence and cycle of the ‘longing.’ It takes many forms, love, let me assure you of that. It can be a ‘hunger’ for food that delights and satisfies. Often it arrives as an intimate desire of the most heated sexual kind. There are moments it’s simply an ache to FEEL the sensation of being loved, of being seen, known, adored, witnessed, cherished. Any of these can be the language of love and Her counterpart, of longing.

What I feel in myself is the truth of this Sacred Call from deep within our Souls is we are Made to Love. By our very design, we have been formed with receptors continually seeking and feeling their way to that love sensation. They carry the knowing of what it is to feel alive and awake, to become stimulated with the ancient mysteries of life, to dance, become drunk and make love with the most sensual lovers. These lovers are many. They are the desires of our hearts, our souls and YES our bodies. The longing lives in every pore of our existence.

Goddess Life Force

We have been taught ‘spiritually’ that we as human beings are falsely seeking fulfillment for that longing through earthly pleasures – for some, the beauty of being a woman and even a man who loves the aesthetics of this body. Sitting down to savor a most delicious meal. Soaking in the warmth and softness of a hot tub. Being deeply kissed and held by our lovers. Wearing something that makes you feel more fully the beauty of who you are.

I say these are not ‘shallow’ substitutes for that longing. While the deep desire to connect, to feel alive, experiencing the blood pulsing hot with life and desire for MORE is absolutely a beckoning of our souls, there are many ways in which we respond. Listening to music that moves us. Or even music that allows for the tears we long to weep to become free and flowing, dripping into a puddle on our own laps or falling sweetly on the shoulder of one who loves and holds us.

This longing is part of who we are, of who we have come here to be. Your heart and soul know from whence you come and will forever be calling you back to that beautiful, love-filled place that is your own Sacred HOME. We take on the form of a body to remind us of that longing, to allow us to feel the sensation of DESIRE, yes, even of lust, aching, pleasure, hunger…this so that we can then soak in the satiated ecstasy of what it is to fully FEEL all of our selves.

This, loves, this is the longing. This is why and how it ebbs and flows. We feel ourselves become filled, only to empty and await the surge of our lovers, of our selves as our own lover, once again. It is a mystical, holy dance in which we become engaged, and through which we find more and more of the pure, glowing Light that Is HER.

I believe we each experience this through the grace that is our own soul, and am curious how it feels for each of us. For me, so very sensual, and at times, fiery. Others, it’s the the soothe I long to feel.

Sacred Transmission

Sacred Transmission? Those aren’t the words I felt when coming here to write, and yet that’s what came through as my fingertips began to type. ‘Transition’ was the word I ‘thought’ – ‘transmission’ is what my consciousness chose.

This is where I find myself, my emotions, my awareness. In deep shift, sometimes subtle, other times quite drastic. So many conversations and connections with others who are experiencing the same, and I wonder if you are? For me, this is a place where there is really nothing that demands my attention, my energy, my action. I’m free to follow whatever I feel – something so many dream of – and the reality of creating this space is that I must now sink in and FEEL. The answers – the direction – isn’t always there clear as day, in fact it feels as though it’s more vague than ever. Leaving me with open time and vast opportunity to be Jackie. We’re so not used to this. We ‘get it’ when it comes to taking action. That’s almost ‘easy.’ But what about when there isn’t any action?

sacred transmission

Yes, transition is true. Even more so is that there is a Sacred Transmission being activated in us all – those of us who have consciously chosen to awaken, to receive it, to hold it, live it, breathe it. It doesn’t come with a language we clearly understand, although if we are still enough in our interior life, we can intuit its presence. We can sense the essence of something that feels foreign and yet so beautifully familiar. There is a RAPID dissolution of what we have believed ourselves to be – labels falling away in a matter of moments, sudden and powerful ‘knowing’ coming into light without warning. We are in the process of recoding our DNA, of learning a brand new way of relating to ourselves and this world and at times, it feels a bit unsettling. In other moments, I feel an elation, an ecstatic joy unlike anything I’ve known previously in my life. And even amidst the waves of sadness and unsettling, I feel peace in it. There is no questioning, worrying, feeling anxious. There is simply a witnessing.

It’s extraordinary to witness in myself and in others. I’m certain there are many of you who understand this ‘transmission’ – this new language and way of being in ourselves and together. If you’re feeling the unsettling, if you’re undergoing a tremendous life change within yourself – be it subtle or raging – you’re in this Flow and upgrade of consciousness. It’s sweeping our planet with a fierce power and rapid pace. Welcome to your beautiful self. Sink in and let Her whisper deep into your heart. Feel it all without worry and doubt. Trust you are being ‘redesigned’ by the Divine. Love to you…xoxo

Entering the Castle

I had no idea in 2005 that a course I signed up for called “From Intuition to Mysticism” would transform my life. Not only did I shift entirely in who I was and how I encountered the world, but the course itself changed direction. There would be three weekend classes, and during that first one in March, our teacher Caroline Myss would undergo a total reordering of what she would teach us. St. Teresa of Avila came to be by her side and served as the guide for the remaining course. Rather than teach us about a variety of mystics in history, we instead began to move through the castle of our souls based on Teresa’s book ‘The Interior Castle.’ What resulted from that class is Caroline’s book ‘Entering the Castle.’ I haven’t read it for quite some time, but picking it up this evening, there is so much that calls to me. Although I’ve not been working directly the introspection contained within, I find that all I’ve encountered over the last seven years mirrors much of what speaks to my soul from within each chapter and page. 

We can all pray. We can all move into the space of our interior self, and even more deeply into the castle of our own soul. From within that place, we carry an energy of humility, openness and clarity if we choose to allow its penetration. What called me back into the pages of Entering the Castle is the Entry Prayer that follows–a prayer Caroline shares for us to come to a place of stillness and begin to ‘cross the bridge’ to the castle of our souls. It speaks to me deeply, and I believe there are many of you who will feel its mystical power too. 

‘I cross the bridge into the silent bliss of my Castle. I close the drawbridge and forbid all outside influences from entry into this holy place that is my soul. Here in my Castle, I am alone with God. Under God’s light and companionship I discover the depth and beauty of my soul. I embrace the power of prayer. I open myself to divine guidance. I surrender myself to become a channel of grace, healing, and service as God directs my life.’ 

This is my prayer. Much love. xo 

Seeing Through Grace

It’s not an easy thing to let go of what seems obvious, especially when it stirs those emotions deep within us. I was given an opportunity to do so last night and this morning following a very unpleasant experience. Our son is home from college, and while visiting with family at our home after dinner last night, proceeded to answer my brother’s question “how are things going with your friend and his dog?’ ‘Oh, well, he went away and locked the dog in the bathroom for the entire weekend, she destroyed it, ripped up tile and chewed on stuff (the dog is a puppy), so he took her out in the woods and left her.’ Ugh. Ouch. Oh, my dear friends, I still feel my heart break as I type this. There was an audible gasp in the room by all who were present, and then an onslaught of disbelief, anger, heartache all directed toward our son. He’d been quite flat in telling us, as though it was of little consequence. Our older daughter is one who will become very passionate and at times quite aggressive in advocating for something she believes in. The heat quickly rose and all that warm family-all-together energy dissipated into heaviness. My brother walked out. He was too angry and hurt to say anything. I finally stepped in and told the two older kids that was enough. There’s no point arguing about it and pointing fingers at one another. 

It was quiet as I struggled to maintain composure while cleaning up the kitchen. I couldn’t do my usual dance of trying to smooth it over without being confrontational. Generally, I can honor both sides and allow them to speak whatever they have and not be too swayed. Not this time. Too close to my heart, and I’ve moved too far away from the ‘usual dance.’ Instead I came upstairs and let the tears come. I could feel my own anger at our son for not having more compassion, not doing something, not at least feeling as heartbroken as I was. Surely from the outside, it looked to everyone in that room that he was cold and didn’t care at all. It definitely felt that way to me. 

When I woke this morning and began writing about it, it became crystal clear. It’s not at all that he’s cold. He’s still the same boy who was terribly disturbed over his friend’s parents happily watching a chipmunk drown in a barrel of water because it had torn up their yard. The difference is that he lives out in the real world now, and has yet to find his own center. He has no idea just how to stand firm in what his heart tells him. Not only is he young, but he’s a male and that makes it ever so harder when it comes to expectations for how to be. We are coming out of a time when men were forbidden to have hearts. My husband’s father told him to stop crying at baseball – there was nothing to cry about. It wasn’t ok. It still isn’t in some environments. At college, away from home and security, trying to just survive, it isn’t ok to have a heart and speak up for an animal who is being mistreated–at least in his perspective at the time. Whether my son knew it or not, that was the defense. He was protecting his own need to survive, to be accepted and be ok. 

It would have been so easy to let my emotions decide how to be with our son, to be angry with him because my spirit was so pained. That would only have served to become a power struggle. My way, my truth pitted against his. Instead, it felt right to share with him how it made me feel and to ease into letting him know I understand how difficult it must be for him to make it at college. He’s been quite homesick over the last several weeks. His whole reality has shifted in a way we sometimes forget occurs when our children leave home. To the world, it may look like an exciting time to get out on your own and have new experiences. But to some of our children, it’s empty, frightening and uncertain. It’s a natural thing to seek the best way to survive and get through it, and I know that’s what he’s been doing. To have responded with harsh judgment would only have created friction between us and deepened the inner turmoil I know is there beneath the self protection. Letting him know I understand what he was feeling and I still love him seemed to allow him to put down his internal weapons and consider some alternate scenarios. 

GRACE is what allowed me to shift my vision. She whispered through my pen, letting me ‘see’ the truth of what his energy was saying. GRACE. A mystical substance with the power to alter our reality. And, I believe, with the power to heal. So I’ll continue to heal my own cracks and wounds, while channeling grace to all animals who are in the way of harm, and to all beings who seek to become whole. This is my prayer. xo 

Seven Extraordinary Days of Grace ~ Caroline Myss Online Salon

What follows is a complimentary issue of Caroline Myss’s online Salon Newsletter. She writes once to the community of members, on the many realms of healing, mysticism, prayer and living a contemplative life in today’s modern times. I was so moved by the presence of Seven Extraordinary Days of Grace, I want to pass it along to you. Although the read is lengthy, it’s well worth your time. Caroline always provides such rich food for the soul….enjoy, my friends. xo 

Grace comes in many expressions. It intervenes in raging arguments, calming your anger so that you do not say what you can never take back. Grace whispers thoughts of hope in desperate times, giving you the stamina to hold on through the storms of life. And grace delivers inspiration, awakening creative resources deep within your being. The power of grace is endless, silent, and powerful.

A rare and rich but much too brief discussion of the activity of grace given in a graduate school lecture was brought to mind the other day while I was watching a program about the devotion the great opera star, Rene Fleming, has for assisting up-and-coming opera singers. It’s so amazing, really, how and when these flashbacks arise. You have no idea they remain hidden in the vast archive of memories that you are carrying around in your brain, like the words of all the songs from the 60’s that just pop into your head the moment you hear the melody.

First, I’ll share the long ago memory of this graduate class. I was in a class on mystical theology and while we were discussing something or other, the professor noted that one mystical phenomenon is that each person is given the gift of seven extraordinary days of grace each year. The grace given on these days is of the quality that it organizes the events of that day to transform your life – that is, redirect your life – in a most significant way. The rest of the class, as you can well imagine, was immediately devoted to the details of identifying that grace and the content of these extraordinary days. (I’ll get to that later – don’t worry.)

Anyway, I could not turn off this program about Rene Fleming, which actually intrigued me as I am not really an opera fan, but I have seen Fleming perform in person, thanks to my dear opera fan friend, Andrew Harvey. And she is beyond magnificent. During the program, you saw Fleming giving hands-on instruction to four lucky opera students, instructing them on how to advance their voices. She offered them the most interesting techniques that would assist them in perfecting a single note, a precise tone. Their devotion to the art of opera and to the art of their voice was stunning.

Later, Fleming was casually walking through the opera house with her four students when she said, “Remember, you have seven extraordinary days a year. You can’t waste them. You must be on alert for them.” As soon as I heard her say that, the memory of that day in graduate school flooded into my mind. How in the world did she know that? Why did she say that? Did she mean the same thing as my professor? And why don’t I have Rene Fleming’s phone number???

Immediately I dusted off my memory. What were the details of that lecture? I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, leaned back on the couch, and drifted back through the decades of my life to graduate school. I waited,waited,ah, yes. I remember,.

Your Seven Extraordinary Days of Grace

Let’s start with the obvious first question: Why seven? Perhaps it’s because there are seven days of the week, or seven days of creation, or seven chakras, or the scale of life is numbered at seven. Seven is a mystical number that notes a resonance to your soul. Let us, therefore, assume – though we have no proof as such – that this might be the reason and leave it at that. When it comes to mystical theology, we operate on observation, subjective experience, and the nature of law and order as revealed in the order of nature itself. A scale of “seven” is a repeated scale throughout mystical systems of order; therefore, it may well be that this scale functions within this phenomenon. (That was your first lesson in mystical theology.)

Next, in order to understand the nature and content of these seven extraordinary days of grace, you have to be very clear about what they are not. So, grace is not – repeat – it is not an obvious force. Grace is a silent breeze that enters into your essence, often to protect you from doing harm to yourself. Grace does not protect you from the consequences of your negative or foolish choices; rather, it seeks to prevent you from making those choices in the first place.

Now, let’s think about an ordinary year of life, beginning from January to December. During that year, you will plan or attend a handful of special occasions or trips that rate as extraordinary. Among these are: weddings, vacations, parties, dates with someone special, surprise events, holiday gatherings, birthday parties, spa trips, etc. What these have in common are the following:

· You know about them ahead of time;

· You will have expectations of how the event will play out;

· You will either exaggerate the good time you intend to have or the bad;

· In either case, your expectations will be disappointed;

· The event will not go as expected in some way.

· For all the above reasons, these days do not qualify as one of your Seven Days of Extraordinary Grace because you are fully convinced you are in charge of the event or you are directly influencing the psychic field with your attitude. In other words, you are exerting too much control toward wanting a certain outcome.

· Finally, days burdened with expectations translate to you having to get what you want, the way you want it. From another perspective, these are days that reveal a sense of loss of control and personal insecurities.

The Nature and Character of Extraordinary Grace

Yet another mystical theological teaching is discernment: to look through the eyes of your soul into a situation in order to see and understand the significance of what is unfolding in front of your eyes. Discernment is unlike judging a situation, which tends to be an immediate and reactive response. A discerning response is one that requires reflective thought. With this teaching in mind, we now proceed into the deeper waters of discerning the nature of extraordinary days of grace.

You have no authority over your seven days of extraordinary grace; that is, you cannot decide when these shall be given to you. They come as they come. They are considered “gifts of the spirit,” bestowed upon you at a particularly advantageous time in your life – the operative word being advantageous. Now, how would you define advantageous? If I had you in a classroom at this moment, I would stop the lecture and ask all participants to answer that question in their notebook as I have little doubt that none of you has ever asked yourself this question. What do you consider a spiritually advantageous moment? Are you even prepared to give an answer to that question? Or should I begin with this question: Do you even understand the significance of that question?

This is the type of question that is introduced in a class on mystical theology. Inevitably the discussion that it opens up is intriguing, to say the least. A spiritually advantageous moment is one in which the “agents of change” in your life come together in such a way that only one spark is required to set them off. You may have several change agents at work in your life, none of which has the potency to motivate you to a next step. One more is required. Perhaps all that is needed is one more conversation, or a delayed flight that would allow you to make one more phone call to exactly the right person, or running into an old friend who happens to be the link to exactly the person you need to meet. You are not able to calculate when you have amassed a sufficient number of change agents in your psyche. You are able to discern, however, that an event or opportunity carrying an extraordinary potential of power has just been introduced into your life. As a result of making that phone call or running into that old friend, something new was provided to you. Maybe it was a suggestion, maybe it was positive feedback, or maybe it was a new contact. But you are left feeling renewed, as if you’ve just been rebooted in your own skin. One spark of grace lighted at the perfect advantageous moment is all it takes and life feels good again. Your life feels good again.

Let us examine the characteristics of a day of extraordinary grace:

· An opportunity that requires a spontaneous response comes along. The ingredient of spontaneity is required, lest you begin to project fear and failure into the opportunity, thereby self-sabotaging the potential to redirect your life. While other opportunities come and go, one surrounded with extraordinary grace fills your solar plexus and not just your mind, making your “head swim” with greed and ambition. Grace goes to your gut, right into your sense of who you are and what you should do. It symbolically “grabs” hold of your identity.

· Another expression of an extraordinary day of grace can come through finding out that plans you had set in motion months or even years ago, which you had given up as failed, have been resurrected. The time wasn’t right and all of a sudden, the time is right. A day of grace is the day everything “fell into place.”

· Yet another expression of a day of grace occurs when you encounter a past love – only now both of you are available to be together. A day of grace is the day when life begins again.

· A day of grace delivers an unexpected path of healing, which could be in the form of a renewed inner resilience or hope, or meeting a person who knows exactly how to understand and treat your condition. A day of grace is day when the tide turns in your favor.

· Another expression of grace is endless delays, confusion, and chaos shattering all of your plans. You can only give up and survive the day, bit-by-bit, going wherever the road leads you. A day of grace is when all the wrong things deliver you to exactly the right place.

· Yet another expression of grace is the day you discover that somehow a great mistake was righted through something else that you did. Perhaps it was something conscious or maybe not, but on a day of extraordinary grace, the forces work in your favor and a mistake is made right. A day of grace is when the rules are somehow bent in your favor, just once.

· Another day of grace is when your life is saved, perhaps from a car accident or something exploding in your face or a random street incident. A day of grace is when your life is shielded from physical harm, knowingly or unknowingly.

As you can tell, you cannot coordinate these days. You cannot make them happen. They happen because of other circumstances you have set into motion. In other words, your extraordinary days of grace come into your life because of choices that you have made that have created gaps and needs – open spaces – that require filling.

Your challenge is to realize that you are experiencing a day of extraordinary grace and to appreciate the meaning, power, and significance of that day. Further, it is vitally important to act on opportunities offered to you on that day. Suggestions for your new business venture, for example, that came from a synchronistic meeting between you and another person should be followed up on. Merely telling friends about this incredible synchronistic conversation you had with someone is a waste of an extraordinary day of grace, to be direct. It’s up to you to follow through, to take action, to make things happen for yourself.

Remember, grace does not do work for you. It will not “heal” you if you are not doing your part in your own healing. Grace will not interfere with the law of cause and effect; that is, for every choice we make, there is an effect or a consequence. If we make a foolish or stupid choice, we pay a price by having to deal with the consequence of our choices. Grace does not compensate or erase our stupid or foolish choices, any more than prayer does. In order to appreciate the nature and power of grace, and the gift of an extraordinary day of grace, you have to grasp how the power of grace manifests in your life and how it does not. Grace is not a “fix-it” force. It is an inspirational, mystical power that awakens you from within.

As I thought about this subject, I queried a few friends on this question: Would you want to be in charge of determining when you received your seven days of extraordinary grace each year? We had such a fun discussion. One friend said, “I’m very frugal. I would hold on to them.”

Another friend determined that she would be very nervous about having that type of “wealth in a safe in her own home.” What a great analogy, I thought, yes? She was exactly right, as seven days of grace is exactly like having gold in a safe at home and you left to determine when and how to spend it. A third person said he would absolutely use all seven days in one month. He would “go for the gold” in one blast.

I asked each person, “Would you be more inclined to use a day of grace in the midst of a crisis or when you are calm and undistracted?” Would you see your days of grace as financial crisis solvers or a day of soulful renewal? Which is of more value to you?

Those questions ended up leading into one more fascinating area of discussion after another. It seemed like this subject opened a vast discussion. For that reason, I am carrying it over to the June Salon, which will be Part II on this topic. In the June Salon, I will explore those questions along with:

· A discussion of grace and prayer.

· What would most people do: take charge of their seven days or let heaven determine when they receive the gift of a day of grace?

· Merging the Seven Days of Grace with Your Seven Chakras, just for discussion

· Could each day contain this grace?

Let me encourage you to think about the days of this year – just this year – that have been game changers for you. They have contained certain ingredients that have motivated you to move ahead, to make positive changes, to do something you’ve been postponing, but on that day, you acted. See if you can identify the presence of grace in your life that day:

· What was it about that day that made it different?

· Do you remember how you felt that day?

· What types of choices did you make that day that you would call “out of character?”

· What results have occurred in your life as a result of those choices, and would you consider these results as special or surprising?

· Have there been any changes in your life that qualify as “beyond your expectations” as a result of acting on a grace that you identified?

I’ll close this Salon by asking you to reflect on whether you would want to be in charge of when to receive your Seven Extraordinary Days of Grace, or whether you would leave the wisdom of that decision to the heavens. We’ll continue with this discussion in the June Salon.

Meanwhile, Happy Summer,

Love,
Caroline

Our CMED Healing prayer for one and all:

Hold on to what is good
Even if it is a handful of earth
Hold on to what you believe
Even if it is a tree that stands by itself
Hold on to what you must do
Even if it is a long way from here
Hold on to life
Even if it is easier to let go
Hold on to my hand
Even if I have gone away from you,.

– Pueblo blessing
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Cocoon of Illness

Rarely do I actually ‘get sick,’ but this last week was a clear exception. I seemed to have caught the virus going around and felt poorly for several days, even spending the entirety of Saturday on the couch. As you know by now, I believe everything has purpose, including illness. Sometimes just to give us space to rest or focus on taking care of ourselves. We–especially women–aren’t always so good at turning our loving and nurturing inward, and yet we would drop everything to be sure we were present for a loved one. Certainly that is part of what was occurring with my illness. There’s been a lot–and I mean a LOT–of tense activity with our three teenage children recently. Accidents & traffic tickets are beginning to pile up. As parents, we’ve been pretty open with them growing up, and now it all shifts to having to deal with something beyond mom and dad–the lessons are endless. So certainly stress and an outpouring of energy and resources to others has played a factor. 

But even with that realization, I was unprepared for what I was going to feel on Sunday when I woke up feeling great! It was literally as though I had entered into this bubble of time and space, only to come out renewed and feeling so alive. Never before have I encountered an illness in quite this way. This felt very much like a death and rebirth. Some of my instinctual ‘fix-it-ness’ died while I was in that cocoon of self awareness. I surrendered–without even realizing it actually–some of my drive to take care of everyone else, to make it ok, to be sure they all have what they need. Instead, the lesson my son’s spirit has taught me in this last year–that of trusting the Universe/God is holding us all and can take care of what is needed–expanded into more of my heartspace. 

I’ve understood illness can be an impetus to connecting to the Divine, to healing and releasing what no longer serves us. And yet, this was so much more than those words convey. It was so very much like emerging from the tomb, awake and aware of Life once again. There is a deep appreciation of who I am, what my life is. When I look at my husband and children I feel so much love. Being in our home fills me with gratitude and yes, even a desire to honor it by keeping it picked up and cleaned. I feel like I want to eat better. Some people have an intense life changing experience that is filled with the sound of angels singing. This was much more subtle while in process, but feels exhilarating on this side. 

Everything–everything in this life is a gift to us, even when it doesn’t feel to be so. Grace comes disguised into our lives at times, and we can only recognize her when we stop to look back at the paths of our journey. Yet, if we are open to seeing her, we find She was there all the time. Reminds me of Footprints….there was only one set ‘because I was carrying you.’ Even when we didn’t know it. xo