Circle of Remembrance

Expression. My soul craves it. And yet–the words have yet to cooperate. I KNOW I wish to write today. It’s been too long away. I desire too much to move into this channel of grace that is my heart speaking. And so my prayer is this: I’m open. Allow the truth to be shared through me. Servant of truth. Channel of grace. Amen. 

I keep coming back around to the theme of my life in 2012: I AM. It began in 2011 as a proclamation TO myself of the Divine presence that is us All. I stood up, took accountability, willing to be seen, heard and recognized. So many steps outside my comfort zone–and it was exhilarating most of the time. 

But this year has been different. The walls are falling down around me. There is significant change in how I see myself, what I experience from within – and the beliefs I’ve claimed as my own are crumbling. I know this process: refining. My soul understands it. My mind in all her brilliance and desire to protect me, tries to reason through it. And yet, there is nothing the mind can do to ease the process. 

When you pray, you draw to you and invoke Grace. Grace is uncontaminated conscious light. It is divinity. Prayer brings grace and grace calms you. That is the cycle. Grace is the tranquilizer of the soul. With grace comes a knowing that what you are experiencing is necessary. It calms you with a sense of knowing.~Gary Zukav

The No Comfort Zone Challenge. I’ve said before I couldn’t have imagined what it would unlock within myself–and that continues to prove true. While I’m not participating within the guidelines of doing something each week, there is indeed a shift in my reality that is steadily present. It feels as though there is even too much to begin sharing, and I find myself again at a loss for words.

I know this to be true: My soul called out to the Divine, asking, begging for connection. My greatest desire is to heal, to be of service, to live and choose with integrity. I fully knew turning 40 was going to be a significant turning point in my life. As I’m watching my younger sister go through the process of her first pregnancy, my daughter maneuver through her first year of college, my parents buy a new home for the first time in over 25 years: there is a clear transition happening in each one of them. They are leaving behind one stage of life and moving through the tunnel into another. There is discomfort, exhilaration, joy, sadness, grief, excitement–nearly every scale of emotion. So much is changing in our lives–in my life. I’m letting go of layers of who I was, opening myself even more to who I AM. In REAL time. 

Pieces are falling away. Growing pains. We so want to ‘get there’–and yet there are stages we must go through along the way. I’ve been one of the greatest promoters of a positive attitude. That began to change as I read Gary Zukav’s chapter on the optimist in his book ‘The Heart of the Soul.‘ At times our optimism–MY optimism–is a protective barrier from seeing truth, FEELING truth. It’s taken several months for that reality to sink in. And then I read in Joss Burnel’s ‘What I Know About Fibro’ about our inability to really connect to what another might be feeling when they are in pain. Nothing in that chapter jumped out at me, but a subtle realization began. The messages are coming through clearly: somehow, I’m disconnected from the truth of my feelings, and so from the truth of myself. The signs are everywhere–through the Grace of the Universe in assisting me to ‘get it.’  (Incidentally, neither I nor anyone in my family have Fibro. But I found Joss’s wisdom to be pure and filled with guidance on how to love ourselves, acknowledge not only our pain, but our bodies, our whole selves, and begin to heal in places we aren’t even aware require healing.) 

And so–the No Comfort Zone has really become the story of my life this year. All the places I’ve sought comfort: being a good mom, taking care of others, eating delicious food, seeing a ‘good’ figure in the mirror–the list could go on–all of these are falling away. Until there’s only ME left. There is no comfort in those places. They aren’t reflecting back to me what they once did.

And so I turn to something greater: GRACE. ‘Prayer brings grace and grace calms you.’ This is the loving hand of the Universe. Grace. We aren’t on this journey for it to be easy. We are on this journey to understand and more and more choose to BE who we truly are. We are here to let go of our own pretense–whether it came with us into this life or became a necessary part of our survival along the way. Our ever increasing lesson is to recognize when we no longer NEED it…and through prayer and grace….to let it go. THAT is where the comfort begins. With grace–the tranquilizer of the soul. 



Healing with Pain

Sometimes Love asks of us that piece which is the most difficult to surrender. It is in this moment, we must remember to call on the power of Grace to infuse our every cell, channeling to us the stamina we need to honor Her call. And as we do, even while our heart breaks, the golden power of healing is occurring simultaneously. 

It goes against our very beliefs that we can feel pain and yet be healing all at once. Our ‘reasoning’ minds can’t process this Universal truth. And yet, there are times our greatest pathway to healing is to feel the intensity of what pains us most. We must move through it in order to release it.

How does one begin to understand this? Surely, my friends, there is no possible way for the brilliance of our intellect to grasp something that is true in the sacred space of the soul. Often they appear to be in conflict with one another–thoughts challenging the *knowing.

We must instead allow our deepest, most protected wounds to have voice, to become the gentle and compassionate whispers of our soul’s truth. THIS is the very place in which our human experience becomes consumated with the purity and purpose that lives in our soul. What we see on the other side will amaze and mystify–expanding so far beyond what we could possibly imagine. We become transformed, shifted into an evolved version of our spirit-selves. There is an illumination that accompanies such experiences. We have only to ALLOW it to be so.

From ‘Comfort’ to ‘Grace’

I had an aha! moment that began last week and has continued into the present. So many things have contributed to this awareness, I can’t begin to list them all. But I will say thank you to my fellow bloggers for the wisdom and inspiration you share. Often your words are the food that warms my soul.

The realization is that we can move from comfort into chaos and just plain feel uncomfortable–OR we can move from comfort into a state of grace. Grace is a mystical substance, with a high vibration of Divine energy. There is a heat to it when you feel it enter your being, surrounding you, indeed comforting you. I experienced its return to my awareness last week when I felt most turned inside out. The faulty belief–and I shared it here–was that discomfort is necessary in order to grow sometimes. While there may still be some TRUTH to that, it doesn’t have to remain part of my belief system. Do you understand the difference, my friends?

Our belief system holds truths that ARE. They don’t have movement or flexibility. The hold static energy and ARE. This particular bit of truth can be so at times, and other times not. Therefore it doesn’t belong in the core of my being as part of what I hold true. I am Divine. THAT is an always truth. Growth = discomfort doesn’t hold up.

The power of this aha! though, came in the moment when I heard the word GRACE spoken by one of my teachers. It took me back instantly to the classroom of Caroline Myss in 2005, when something Divine and beyond all of us entered our space. The energy of grace, the ability to invoke grace at any time, and the realization of how much we all need its presence and power came to life once again. 

We can move out of our comfort zone. But we don’t have to then flounder around in chaos and discomfort. We can invoke the healing, calming energy of grace. The heat of it will move where we most need it. As I felt this last week, I felt everything in my being begin to surrender to its warmth. The inner turmoil and battle were quieted. And I also realized: it’s ok for me to exude grace. I don’t have to hide that in this lifetime. I can be fully Jackie. However she may look, be perceived or understood by others is ok. I don’t have to quiet her, dim her, tone her down in order to feel comfortable in being me. I can enter a state of grace, channel that grace to others in whatever form it takes and be ‘comfortable’ in me. 

I’m not sure words serve me well in sharing this with you, my friends. But I’m clear on it inside myself. I’ve shared below an excerpt of Caroline’s teaching on grace. Within just moments of listening, the power, the sacredness, the high altitude energy of her words penetrates my soul. 

So I don’t have a specific item or task for this week’s No Comfort Zone Challenge. I do have some places that aren’t comfortable, that are stretching me. I’m surrendering them to grace. They’re too personal to share, but I wanted to share with you the experience around them. And I have a list accumulating of some things I need to address that will fall under this challenge and will be tended to in future weeks. For today, for this round, I ask you to trust that I am honoring our journey into this space and I am honoring the call of my own soul. 

Walking 5 days last week was quite exhilarating. My husband even joined in! I remembered that I hear the voice of spirit so clearly when I walk. The importance of getting out of the house and moving my body goes far beyond the physical benefits. And yet, I do fully believe that as truth. I’ll keep walking….keep listening….and keep sharing. xoxo