Chaotic Holy Love

Ecstasy. Rich, full-bodied. I’m in it.

I sat on our bed talking with my husband about this book – THIS BOOK in which I am a contributing author. Omnipresent: The Sacred Feminine Balance. I’ve dreamed of this for many years, and it’s quite a sensation to realize there is a portal here. A portal of such deep and holy self awareness and appreciation. The majesty of which is an expanded view of all life in such a way and a powerful connection to its reverent pulse.

We talked about the book – about him wanting to read my words in it – and then he left the room for a few moments. I flipped through its pages and it very naturally rested on page 58, where I found these words:

Book - Sacred Heart crop

Emotion stirred in me – because I am this. Within my lovely feminine chest lies the Sacred Heart. These words reflect my truth. These words – are my words. The book itself had brought me to them, here – in print. My breath paused a moment, I’m certain of it – because I could have been reading another woman’s dialogue considering the impact it left on me. There’s a humbling alongside an internal celebration of oneself when we see our reflection so beautifully clear. Magic enfolded and cradled me yet again.

Every day is meant to leave us in awe in some way. It’s there for us, always. If we just say yes, we’ll have some glimpse of it. There are days that mystery will lift us in its arms and fly us high into the heavens of bliss. And there are days we’ll recognize its chaotic work and remember we still are intertwined. These are my days. And this, my loves, this is my book, shared with these incredible female authors. These are our truths, our loves, our stories and grace shared in our own words.

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If you’d like to order a copy of Omnipresent in either Kindle or print version, I’ve provided this link for you to do so here.

 

 

Captivating Beauty

It seems for women especially the mere mention of ‘beauty’ carries so many triggers. We move through times of believing it doesn’t or shouldn’t matter at all. In other moments it feels to be what matters the most. Upon seeing our reflection in the mirror we sometimes believe the physical beauty of ourselves is the total sum of our value. And there are occasions when we catch a glimpse of our reflection and sink deep into the essence of our true beauty, understanding and seeing at once how it glimmers through our skin to reveal the most intimate and sacred parts of who we are.

‘Beauty’ and the desire for it, the nurturing of it has for many women become a dirty word. I wonder how this relates for our male counterparts? How does beauty compute in the interior of the man’s sensual nature?

I myself shunned my own physical beauty in its entirety for several years. There were very real and painful life circumstances that led me to such total feminine abandonment of myself, and yet I believed it to be the most kind thing I could do. Interestingly, even as I share this conversation with you now I can hear some of the old rumblings that lead women to feeling guilt and shame over the ways we love and adorn ourselves.

Beauty quote

There’s a natural desire to feel our full feminine sensuality. We do so through the feel of the clothes we choose to place against our skin. Through the fragrances we allow to seep into and through our pores. We each carry our own natural, very sweet scent for those who are close enough to breathe us in deeply. Our hair is for many of us an expression and carrier of our soul’s magic. The colors and styles we wear serve as indicators of our inner truth, our present mood and as a statement of how we engage this world.

With all the rage against the very overstated beauty industry, we have perhaps forgotten the nuance of what our true beauty is. It’s not merely on the inside as so many would have us to believe. When we pause and truly take in the essence of a woman, allowing that in fact her appearance–the ways in which she presents and holds herself–is an exterior, visual statement of her inner essence, we gain a pure sense of her true beauty. For beauty flows through her pores, spilling over into the outer layer of her human body. Beauty, dear loves, is not merely ‘spiritual,’ but very, very physical as well.

It’s in our natural programming to become drawn to beauty in all her forms. Yes, we each have our own unique taste and desire when it comes to our attractions, but it remains true we all carry and respond to the allure of beauty herself.

It took a few years for me to feel her nudging once again, to welcome beauty into my life beyond the esoteric and yes, very ‘safe’ manifestation of her presence. The more I saw and felt my true self, the more I remembered who I am and invited the sensation of all the beauty that is me. We do great harm to our being when we lock beauty into one way of walking in this world. It would do us well to become unraveled in her presence, to expand and petition Beauty herself to penetrate our senses, announcing her arrival and desire to be seen, felt and heard on every level of all we are. I sense she has much to arouse in us yet.

 

Speaking Sexuality Out Loud

Dissolving the shame around our sexuality isn’t exclusive to women – or to men. Nor is it simply about those who are in heterosexual male/female relationships. We’re entering a space where the delicate balance of masculine and feminine are coming together – finding center. There are women who relate more to the masculine way of being, and men whose natural tendencies and desires are in the feminine realm.

We’re expanding the conversation now – and it’s going to get hot. Hot in the ways we desire, yes – increased arousal, fires burning in all the right places; but also hot in the ways that make us uncomfortable, fidgety in our seats, ready to lash out and defend what feels true in ourselves.

There’s been an imbalance in our world through the reign of patriarchy. We’ve all played into it – men and women alike. And for some time now there have been women’s groups and organizations, books, websites, conferences and Red Tent gatherings centered around the empowerment, the healing, the opening and release of the wounds we have carried for generations and lifetimes. So many of us know stories of our aunts, mothers and grandmothers having experienced sexual abuse at the hands of men. And in truth – that certainly still happens.

Intimate couples by Evelina Pentcheva
Intimate couples by Evelina Pentcheva

We’ve put much energy, heart and time into healing these wounds, empowering ourselves, finding our voices and releasing the demons that plague our past. Women are experiencing liberation, dissolving shame and opening to the intimate, hidden places in our sexual libraries. We love to be sexual. We desire to be wanted, adored. We carry a passion so deep it can ignite inside us in a heartbeat. These are our truths.

It’s time now to give our men the same leeway in expressing their sexual truths. Let us allow them to speak of the sexual intensity present in their own bodies, give them room to unleash the raw desire and lust that lives within their masculine way of walking this earth. Our men, this generation of men along with this generation of women, deserve no less than to be able to speak boldly and openly of their sexual desires. It’s the hiding away, the shaming, the blame and the judgment of what is wrong  and not acceptable that has driven us to acting out our sexuality in secret, in dark places where it has little room to flourish, to burn, to breathe as the truth of what it is.

It may feel uncomfortable in us at times. And ladies, let’s be fair – there are certainly moments our open expression has felt the same to our male counterparts. Let us now come together as equals, processing and releasing the shackles of our history, the wounding, the heartache, the blame. Let us honor each other as who we are in our sexuality, in our hunger and ravenous desire to explore the depths of our bodies, our passion, our fires together. We have certainly come far enough to engage the conversation, to speak boldly and honestly our truths to one another and find in the process an acceptance and even celebration of what is real and true in ourselves and each other.

Voice and Channel of the Sacred Feminine

I am a woman in whose dreams
She is the chalice for all that is Divine
In whose waking moments
She is the voice and channel
For the very essence of the Sacred Feminine
Woman on Fire ~ 

As I wrote this poem, I felt the essence of all that is holy moving through my heart, soul and body. There are moments in my writing when what is sacred and pure flows through me as though I am not the author, but the scribe. This poem, Woman on Fire, and all that it holds and conveys was born from one of those euphoric experiences.

I’m sharing it here with you now in a whole new way, with an understanding of who I am, of the beauty and grace that have been given to me in this lifetime. Deep in my being I understand that all I feel and experience leads to this ultimate truth: I am ‘the voice and channel for the very essence of the Sacred Feminine.‘ And for me, part of that reality is the use of my own voice as part of expressing and becoming Her.

This hasn’t always been easy, using my voice, speaking aloud. As a child, I feared the sound of myself, steered clear of using ‘big words’ because it felt like too much for me; ‘big words’ could simply have been my third grade vocabulary words for the week.

So you see, my loves, this is a huge gift to myself, to the Sacred Feminine, to every woman–indeed every BEING–who listens and feels the vibration of what it is to see ourselves as beautiful, holy, filled with and walking as grace. This is my voice, liberated, claiming what is my truth, our truth. And it’s imperative I let her speak, I give her a platform from which to be felt, seen and heard.

Thank you to my beautiful love Cat Forsley for her golden touch on this video. She saw the vision together with me and is a constant reminder of who I am. The reflection she shines my way is filled with purity and radiant light. An angel being walking this earth is what this woman is to me. She has so lovingly created this video out of my words, my voice, my photos. I’m ecstatic, filled with loving gratitude and humbled at the way I hold the Divine Feminine frequency on this planet. Cat creates art from a place outside of any we know here in this plane. There is an ethereal and mystical glow to all that flows from her. I’m delighted to have her as my collaborator on this project. I love you, Cat. Thank you. xxx

You can visit here for more of Cat’s gorgeous and unique art.

And thank you, each of you, for taking the time to sink into this, my gift to you, to me, to us. The more we embrace our own beauty, our own nakedness and gifts, the higher we raise the vibration of beauty, of love, of grace on this planet and far, far beyond.

HER Temple is my Body

Six women, including me. Six women gathered in my home here in Atlanta two weekends ago. Only two of us – my sister and I – had ever met. The other four women I have loved for nearly five years in the virtual realm of life, although they are women I feel have known me and I them for lifetimes. We shared an amazing sacred retreat together. We laughed, we cried, we came together in quiet contemplation and healing. We opened and gave ourselves to every beautiful moment that offered itself to us. One of these ladies is Joceline Burnel, Crowing Crone Woman of Wisdom and author of If God Was a Woman. She shared a bit about our time together in her post Women Loving Women, if you’d like to feel more deeply into who we are. It was absolutely extraordinary and each of us knows our lives will never again be the same.

On Sunday, with just four of us still gathered, we made our way to my bedroom, my own intimate sanctuary of very holy love. You see, these women have seen and loved me in a way I had yet to experience myself. Our intention was to take photos of me, potentially to be used on my sites and perhaps on the cover of my upcoming book. I love who I am, and yet like so many women still, there are criticisms I’ve held about my body – and certainly that sinks deeper into the core of how I see and feel myself. I feel like a woman who has released so much of that. But this journey to self awareness, to walking this planet with a heart wide open – this journey demands that we give it ALL. That we release and dissolve the places where we allow ourselves to be held back. And in this space of loving me, these women were instrumental in the dissolution of old programming.

Pic 8

It’s been years since I’ve had an intimate photo shoot. I must have been just 19 when I did my one and only boudoir session, mostly because I knew the photographer and he wanted to do it for me. (Well, of course he did!) It wasn’t for me. I was insecure, shy and so very much NOT in my own body. This time was very different. As we began, my beautiful love Cat began to work her golden magic, ‘styling’ me as she called it. What it felt like to me was being adorned with radiant love. My whole body responded and opened as a rose might under the heated glow of sunlight. I’m certain my skin glistened with her love shining over me. She called in our anam cara soul love Anna to assist. I’ve felt Anna loving me for years, and there’s quite honestly nothing like being loved by this woman. She is unconditional and wholehearted in her seeing of me, beyond the body and into my soul’s beauty. And she’s gifted in showing me how that spirals outward into my physical presence.

We began and the energy I felt as I knelt on my bed, my back bared and heart open, was the essence of holy prayer. I’m not one to use that word often – prayer – because it wreaks of church men uttering words filled with pious intent. And yet. My whole body was in reverent communion with all that is sacred. I’ve many times written about becoming an offering of love, baring all that I am to the Sacred Feminine, to the Beloved. Kneeling there, exposed in all my beauty and vulnerable nakedness, all I could feel was deep, deep merging with the divine woman I am.

As Joceline took photos of me, my eyes were closed and I felt myself moved from merely being in that room. I felt the love of those women all around me. Love that stops time and evokes serenity and grace. Love that melts every doubt and uncertainty about who you are and why you might not be good enough. Only beauty remained.

There was a moment, Joceline whispered to me with tears in her eyes ‘you are so fucking beautiful.’ A gorgeous, intimate moment in which she was overcome by the Divine Feminine fully palpable in our temple space. I felt the moist tears welling up in my own eyes, understanding I was the image of each woman in that room; the image of the Goddess shining full in all She is. No hiding or quieting. No judging beauty or imperfection. Every moment, every element, every woman in that room and beyond – filled with beauty and grace.

Temple

I’ve had this note on my desk for nearly a year now: ‘HER Temple is my Body.’ I’ve believed it. I’ve felt all that it conveys and stirs in my being. Being in that space of my bedroom with these women surrounding me, loving me, seeing me with the eyes of their hearts – I felt in every cell of my body what it means to become HER Temple. I saw myself as perfect, without flaw. I fully felt IN MY BODY. And I knew I was beautiful to behold. In every way possible. Sacred Feminine essence – raw, vulnerable, laid bare. I gave myself completely.

That experience was so very holy for me. As I gaze upon the images captured that day, I see reflections of each woman present. I see and feel their love poured over me, through them, through me and radiated out from each of us. I feel different in my body now. No more ‘hiding’ what I think isn’t quite right. I walk with a knowing of who I am, of what it is to feel my beauty from the inside out. I feel the holiness of what it is to be woman; this woman. Me. I hold myself with deep honor and divine love. Everything is different now. This is how we love. Women loving women. And I love these women madly. My life, forever changed by the way they have loved me into beautiful, elegant fullness. HER Temple…IS my body.

Dripping in Pandora’s Box

My fingertips paused in that last post–Woman on Fire–as the words came pouring through me, from a Source that has its own movement and energy and pushes through in the moments I least expect it. Sacred Prostitute??? Really? Are we going to say that OUT LOUD, right here, where it’s connected to me, to my name, my ‘work’ – all of it? I paused. I deleted the letters on the screen, only to be assured from within they were the ‘right’ words to let my fingers type, to share, to expose in the light of day.

As if there wasn’t already plenty of energy moving through my being, wave after wave of release and opening, THIS felt and feels like having been catapulted into a void of darkness and deep emotion where I’m just not sure what’s up or down. Old patterns resurfacing. (I DID say this Sacred Feminine sensual energy is NOT simply about sex, didn’t I? So why does it feel, once again, like it SO is??) What I sense is that simply allowing these words to be claimed by me was a virtual opening of Pandora’s Box. Every dark experience, painful judgment, twisted misconception and assumption of a Sacred Prostitute and her energy feels like it’s ruminating in my being, running through and wreaking havoc with a heat that is near unbearable. I’m questioning my own Sacred Feminine energy and what is real or what is not. The old voice of my inner self critic has found momentum in the uncertainty, the questioning, the stirring of residues that are both mine and not mine. Residues of heartache, of misunderstanding ourselves, of frustration coupled with an inability to get clear just yet.

Godfrey Yarek -  French painter - Tutt-Art@ (2)

If I hadn’t done the amount of sinking into my self, to my heart, to my truth I’ve done over these last several years, I would for sure be drowning in my own process. I opened Sera Beak’s book Red, Hot & Holy: A Heretic’s Love Story for inspiration and came across this bit, which seems to relate huge in all that my being is sorting out just now:

Every one has an f.f. (false feminine), but she’s difficult to define because she’s slippery and chameleonlike; she transforms and adapts according to the woman and the situation. Although the f.f works differently in each of us, her main attribute is misusing the feminine to attain power. She has no life force of her own, so she survives and gets her needs met by using other people (like batteries) and then allowing them to do the same to her. She needs constant attention–physically and energetically–and she has found manipulative ways to get these needs met.’ 

And then this:

‘The f.f. also holds the shadow of the sacred prostitute–that is, just ‘the prostitute.’ As you know, prostituting yourself isn’t just about selling sex; it’s about selling your soul.

There’s a big difference between service and servitude. Someone who has a healthy inner sacred prostitute is not in service to a man or to ‘The Man’; rather she serves the greater good. Servitude is putting myself down, allowing myself to be dominated by others or a system of belief. Service is filling my own well with Her and acting from this inner divine authority. Truth is, we can’t be of authentic service on this planet if we are sucked dry or unconsciously leeching off other people energetically or covertly trying to ‘get something’ that we aren’t giving ourselves (Attention? Safety? Admiration? Love?).

So what I can sense in all of this for me, is that a deeper awareness of my own Sacred Prostitute energy is bubbling up into consciousness, gaining power along the way, although the opposite feels true. Understanding our own ‘f.f’ – or false feminine – tendencies and patterns is absolutely imperative to embodying our own inner divine authority and power. We must know who we are, how we operate both in the places where we have claimed the fullness of ourselves and also with an openness to those corners still shrouded in darkness, in our unconscious. I’m wide open to whatever is here, as unnerving and chaotic as it feels inside my being. I trust in all that is unfolding….and will continue to give myself to it fully.

Woman on Fire

I am a woman
A sacred, sensual Divine woman
Who aches to be loved for the goddess she is

I am a woman
Whose longing has been the same
For every moment of her life

To be touched
Kissed
Held
Caressed
Fondled
Cradled
Rocked
Beheld
Adored
Loved
For the Goddess she is

Henry-Asencio-3I am the incarnation of the Sacred Feminine
The Sacred Prostitute
Whose body, heart and soul
Served only the highest Presence
And state of being

I am a woman whose skin begs
To be set on fire with the breath
Of her holy Lover

I am a woman whose entire being
Has waited for this moment to come again
Into her life, her consciousness, her Temple body

I am a woman in whose dreams
She is the chalice for all that is Divine
In whose waking moments
She is the voice and channel
For the very essence of the Sacred Feminine

I am a woman whose heart
Cracks open
Bleeding with her desires
Beating with fiery passion

I am this woman
Into whose soul
The Life Force of the Goddess
Is aged with beauty and grace

Remembering Her place
Breathing Her ancient wisdom
Emanating Her sensual, holy fragrance

I am a woman on fire with the taste of HER.