If You Let it Become Your Master

You have to work on the personal wounds behind your personal anger to free the fierce compassion energy and the clarity that anger can give you access to, but can dominate and destroy if you let it become your master. ~ Andrew Harvey

I’m listening to an interview from a few years ago with one of my beloved teachers – mystic and Sacred Activist Andrew Harvey. As he makes the statement above, I feel a tingle of understanding in myself. There are moments when what we naturally ‘know’ in our consciousness is put into words, into something clear and tangible – that AHA moment. As I heard Andrew talk about his own challenge with anger, with letting go of his own personal attachments and justifications around his anger, I related this to my own experience with my sexuality – a vital part of who I am, as his anger is a vital part of his work and who Andrew is.

I believe that what we are here for is unique to each of us individually, and on a grander scale is really about raising the vibration of this planet into one that is pure, cosmic love. We each have our own individual ‘brand’ of what that love feels like, breathes and pulses as within our bodies, within our own consciousness. Our life experiences funnel into that connection, often creating the very rupture that will bring us back to ourselves. For me, there is a trail of interactions, programming, upbringing, self beliefs in which my sexuality, my naturally sensual feminine nature and way of being were simply NOT acceptable. And yet, they were in a state of continual arousal – because who we ARE doesn’t simply go away by being told to do so. It’s innately part of our energetic makeup. For me – sensuality, the erotic nature of the Sacred Feminine are a very significant part of who I am. I cannot simply ‘shut it off,’ although for several years I tried. Who we are will always come back to find us.

shadows in the morning sunThere were personal wounds that required attention. Rather than turn away from those parts of myself, what was most needed was for me to sink INTO them. Not into the pain per se, yet it’s absolutely necessary to FEEL the sensations of that heartache and pain. But to sink into what I had set aside as something ‘wrong’ in me, that part of myself I couldn’t understand.

Until I was able to embrace that part of myself, to give her room to breathe, to allow her to come out and explore who she really is and how her sensual nature would engage this world if given the opportunity – she stayed in the shadows, behind my line of sight. And as long as that was true, the ‘fierce compassion and clarity’ of my true nature were shrouded in the darkness too. We MUST release our wounds, including the lies, the ‘propaganda’ we have come to believe about ourselves, in order to unleash our pure essence. Until I did that, the blinded version of my sensual nature served as master. Unconsciously, of course–that’s the whole point. When we keep who we are in the unconscious state of our awareness, we essentially operate from a place of ignorance about ourselves. I had no idea what to do with this part of myself. And yet, it continued to pulse within me and always made an appearance as simply being about SEX – when that’s not the essence of my sacred sensuality at all. In truth, me falling deeper into my self, loving all of who I am rather than cutting some parts out or making them ‘wrong’ has brought me full circle into being my own master. I serve the beauty of who I am, the Sacred Feminine essence and presence that is me; rather than remain held captive to what I have hidden away out of shame or fear. In truth, in our authentic expression, without judgment, without there being a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ – what do we have to fear about being all of who we are? This, my friends, this fear, this judgment, if you hold onto it, will become your master and will prevent you from the rawness of true intimacy with yourself and others with whom you desire it. Time to drop the shame.

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Let’s Talk About Sexy

Sexy. Evokes an array of images doesn’t it? We each have our own perception of what is sexy. It can be anything from a ripe, juicy peach to a wild, erotic experience to a mother who glows while breastfeeding her baby. The general misconception is that sexy is only about a hot body, a sexual position or experience, a scantily clad male or female or something similar.

I’m speaking as a woman who knows she has sex appeal, and I’m going to share what I’ve learned thus far about ‘sexy.’ It isn’t about what you wear or say or do. It isn’t about who your lover is or how good you are in bed. It isn’t about the size of your breasts, the sway or your hips, whether or not you have a six pack that glistens with your shirt off. It isn’t about enticing or seducing others with your ‘ways.’ All of these things can certainly be sexy, but they are not what sexy is. I’ve played with them all and been left disappointed when ‘sexy’ didn’t shine through.

dripping honey

We can’t make ourselves over into sexy. Sexy comes from the inside out, true essence of what it is to be sexy, which is very different from what our culture has come to hold as true. What’s sexy is a woman who loves her own body and isn’t afraid to walk, love and breathe through its senses. What’s sexy is a man who knows how to adore a woman, how to see and hold her sacred as the goddess she is. What’s sexy is a man who can feel his own heart beat, tune in to what he finds there and in his own unique strength and masculinity, let love seduce him. What’s sexy is a woman who understands the nature of her man, becoming his respite from all that he takes on his own world, letting him fall into her whether he knows he needs it or not. And all of this is true between men as lovers together, and women loving women. There are no exclusions to what is love, to what is sacred, to what is sexy.

We’ve limited sex appeal to something that is about flaunting our bodies, our sexuality. In truth it comes through letting our true selves be seen. For some, for me, that is very much present in my body, through my body. For others, it’s in the strength of their hearts, their passion for what they believe in with all of who they are. Sexy doesn’t come when we force it through. It comes when we surrender into what is calling to us, being with what is real, true, pulsing in this very moment. Sexy is a language all its own, a language of heart and soul; and when you feel it being spoken to or through you, there is a beautiful, hot, potent sensation that overcomes your being. A seduction of the senses takes over and guides you into your own wild truth.

As with each of us, sexy comes in all forms, in its own distinct fragrance and presence. Allowing it to consume you as it builds from within – that is sexy. It’s time to sink beyond the outer representations and deeper into the fiery heart space. That’s where our juice lives, where our unraveling begins and continues, revealing more and more of who we truly are. That, my friends, is how we are bringing sexy back – through the sacred, burning heart.

Language of the Body

Censorship perpetuates shame, which in turn fosters ignorance. And ignorance prevents change. So it’s a very dangerous trajectory to shy away from the language of the body.  ~ Dr. William Masters, ‘Masters of Sex’

As a young girl I knew what it was to feel the truth burning in my body, even as from the pulpit our pastor taught it was wrong, even sinful, to trust our feelings – the very FEELINGS that originate and emanate from our bodies. Much like in the movie Footloose I was raised in the belief that the body will always betray you through its lusty desires and abandoned surrender into temptation. And anything that wasn’t deemed pure was considered to be temptation. That is – pure through the eyes of some presupposed ‘law’ that is fully outside oneself rather than originating from our strongest Source – within.

Burning-Man-Day-1 (897 of 1210)-X3
Burning Man, Day 1 by Trey Ratcliff

The language of the body. For me it’s complex, multi-layered with seduction, sensuality, purity, wisdom, grace and ancient intelligence. My body beautifully guides me into the spaces where I feel potent, passionate love – the kind that links both hearts and bodies alike. My body is my greatest authority on what is healthy for me. I have only to check in when eating food to feel whether it will settle well or not. My body knows when I need more rest and when movement and flow are what will most benefit my overall well being. My body is a clear indicator of what is called for in order to sink deeper into the wildness that continually calls to me, the nakedness I – and I believe so many of us if not all, desire to walk through this life wearing.

Censorship perpetuates shame. Feel the truth in that. When we censor what we feel in our bodies to only that which is ‘acceptable,’ we shut down a part of who we truly are. Our truth lives deep in our bodies, in our hearts, our souls, our gut instincts – all of which are housed within our physical bodies in some way. Each is connected to a greater network of mystical knowledge and presence, and yet we individually here on this planet carry that same intelligence and engage in dialogue with it through our own BODIES. This, this is the language of the body. It lives and breathes in every cell, every heart beat, every orgasmic moment, every zenlike experience. It can be wild and raging as a lioness and equally soft and gentle as whisper.

Time to release our shame by dropping the censorship – of who we are, what we feel, how we express ourselves and all that we carry in the beautiful holy sanctuary that is our body. It’s time to step fully into the language of our bodies; to understand there is a living, breathing Entity that we are, and we ALONE contain the highest intelligence of what is needed, of what is ‘right’ and acceptable for our own personal journey on this planet. There is no greater authority to guide us. We are it. We are the Divine, sovereign Voice of what is true, what is authentic, what is beautiful in our lives, in our selves. There is no greater knowledge or higher authority. And it’s time we really sink into that reality and operate from a new place of holding ourselves in such high regard.

Sexuality. This is Your Conscience.

These were the words accompanying this image, linking it to a post apparently no longer visible. The words and image alone stirred something inside myself. Sexuality has a conscience? What does that look like or mean?

What it felt like inside me, this sensual pairing of words and visual imagery, was yet another layer of liberating the censorship and darkening of our sexuality. It felt like setting her free, letting her breathe and dance and become drunk on her own self, lost in the ecstatic bliss of falling into love with being love, making love, becoming love. Too many barriers to doing so. Too much judgment and labeling of what is right and what is wrong. Overload of illusion and lies.

golden shoes

 

It’s changing though, shifting course with rapid and fiery pace. Are you experiencing it? Perhaps it’s especially potent for me, having stuffed, quieted and barely recognized my own sexuality all these years. We came into this life knowing one another very well. As I’ve shared here before, I have always loved the idea of sex, the sensual connection we feel in our bodies when in touch with something erotic. And really – that can be absolutely anything.

What if the ‘conscience’ of sexuality is symbolized in this image? It evokes a luxury of presence, a confidence, richness, deep sense of being. We might imagine a woman that knows who she is, feeling beautifully and radiantly comfortable in her own skin. For me, the image pulls forth a full body response. The rest of her story draws me and her presence is alluring.

This is how I want to walk through this life. Ever on the verge of being penetrated by the mystical, drenching in sacredness all around me. It’s more and more what my entire being is waking up to, re-membering. The conditioning has very little hold anymore. So what I know in this moment, is that if my sexuality has a conscience, it runs crystal clear, always holy and sometimes very, very red hot.

Dancing with the Longing

A beautiful soul friend and I talked recently about the continual presence and cycle of the ‘longing.’ It takes many forms, love, let me assure you of that. It can be a ‘hunger’ for food that delights and satisfies. Often it arrives as an intimate desire of the most heated sexual kind. There are moments it’s simply an ache to FEEL the sensation of being loved, of being seen, known, adored, witnessed, cherished. Any of these can be the language of love and Her counterpart, of longing.

What I feel in myself is the truth of this Sacred Call from deep within our Souls is we are Made to Love. By our very design, we have been formed with receptors continually seeking and feeling their way to that love sensation. They carry the knowing of what it is to feel alive and awake, to become stimulated with the ancient mysteries of life, to dance, become drunk and make love with the most sensual lovers. These lovers are many. They are the desires of our hearts, our souls and YES our bodies. The longing lives in every pore of our existence.

Goddess Life Force

We have been taught ‘spiritually’ that we as human beings are falsely seeking fulfillment for that longing through earthly pleasures – for some, the beauty of being a woman and even a man who loves the aesthetics of this body. Sitting down to savor a most delicious meal. Soaking in the warmth and softness of a hot tub. Being deeply kissed and held by our lovers. Wearing something that makes you feel more fully the beauty of who you are.

I say these are not ‘shallow’ substitutes for that longing. While the deep desire to connect, to feel alive, experiencing the blood pulsing hot with life and desire for MORE is absolutely a beckoning of our souls, there are many ways in which we respond. Listening to music that moves us. Or even music that allows for the tears we long to weep to become free and flowing, dripping into a puddle on our own laps or falling sweetly on the shoulder of one who loves and holds us.

This longing is part of who we are, of who we have come here to be. Your heart and soul know from whence you come and will forever be calling you back to that beautiful, love-filled place that is your own Sacred HOME. We take on the form of a body to remind us of that longing, to allow us to feel the sensation of DESIRE, yes, even of lust, aching, pleasure, hunger…this so that we can then soak in the satiated ecstasy of what it is to fully FEEL all of our selves.

This, loves, this is the longing. This is why and how it ebbs and flows. We feel ourselves become filled, only to empty and await the surge of our lovers, of our selves as our own lover, once again. It is a mystical, holy dance in which we become engaged, and through which we find more and more of the pure, glowing Light that Is HER.

I believe we each experience this through the grace that is our own soul, and am curious how it feels for each of us. For me, so very sensual, and at times, fiery. Others, it’s the the soothe I long to feel.

Falling into Emptiness

Emptiness. Just the word alone has a ring of auspiciousness to it, does it not? Something inside us panics when we feel the vibrations of this word, and yet we all know what it feels like to move into a space of emptiness. Of not feeling attached to, connected to any one particular thing.

I find myself in this space of being. There are moments my mind tries to wrangle it into submission, wanting to be busy with something. Trying to think of ways to spend my time. In the life my husband and I have created together, I am left with a lot of free time at this stage in my life. Our youngest daughter will leave for college in just a few weeks, although we found our children home less frequently once they began to drive, so not having them in the house isn’t new. At least not entirely. What does feel new is being at this place where there isn’t going to be any need for mothering, and if I’m honest, I feel that part of my life has run its course. I’ll still be a mother and love and nurture these beautiful beings that came to be ‘ours’ in this life, but not on a daily basis. Neither they nor I want that any longer. In our own ways, we all desire to be free to choose the next steps of our lives.

I’ve also let go of my business as it no longer felt fueled by passion. If there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that passion must be present in whatever I commit to–and I’m still in the process of understanding just how that feels. When I sink into the emptiness, the vast spans of time that are now left uncluttered by doing – I find feelings of not being ‘anything.’ We all know these feelings – they come with needing to accomplish, to label, to prove, to DO something. Only – there’s nothing at this time in my life that is clearly calling to be done. What has called is a clearing of what no longer resonates.

emptiness

It’s not a space we feel comfortable in – the emptiness. The lack of scheduling, of accomplishing, of being needed, of having our time encroached upon – thus proving our importance. And yet, even alongside the insecurities that arise in this dark space of nothingness, I find it’s just what I desire. I want more depth, more real, more passion and meaning. I want to know that when I give my time and energy it’s because it uplifts my soul, it stirs my juices and brings into being more of the beauty I am here to be. We all know the language by now, words like authentic, spiritual, healing, awakening. And while these words and energies have served us well, there’s no longer a pulsing frequency in them for me. There’s a new language waiting to be discovered. There’s something that wishes to be birthed, only it’s not yet come into matter. There is no form, only an understanding of its promise and presence. There are remembrances in my being that haven’t quite yet become identifiable – if they ever will.

It’s unnerving to simply witness the old feelings of not being enough arising for me in this space. And yet, as an observer rather than an active participant in those weighted beliefs, we don’t have to become attached to the emotions we’re used to feeling in that space. We can simply watch. Let ourselves feel whatever arises, but not become consumed by it. If there is to be a consummation in my being, I wish it to be one of passion, of feeling alive in every sense of the word. This time to me feels like sloughing off the layers of what no longer carries life.

I have no idea what comes next. And I have days full of free time in which to sink deeper into myself and whatever she might wish to bring forth. In spite of the discomfort that arises, there is a sense of the luxury afforded to me in doing so. For that I radiate gratitude.

Sacred Blood, Holy Grail

It’s not what you might expect, this post. It’s not about the Magdalene or our endless fabled search for the Holy Grail. You may recall I wrote recently about our blood as women, both literally and symbolically. (How Do You Bleed?) What I came to realize as the words poured through my fingertips is how little we have valued our ability to bleed as women first of all, but ever more deeply how much our blood truly represents. We are the mothers, the creators. That word – Creators – really stood out to me. Bear with me, we’re going to connect some dots around this now….

What I’m witnessing within myself and around me in my circles of women is that we are currently undergoing an immense flow of release. For some it’s old family beliefs and ways of being, others are shifting their ‘work’ focus and still others are taking inventory of our creative energies. How are we giving our energy to this world, and are we feeling a drain or a sense of being alive and awakened in those experiences? With the shifts in consciousness that are now rapidly occurring, for those who choose to tune in to the subtleties, there is crystal clarity in coming into our truth. We can FEEL it like never before. We are reconnecting with the beauty of what it is to be a woman on EVERY level – physically, emotionally, intuitively, creatively. This includes our love of nurturing, our ancient gifts of knowing, our deep longing to move in step with the fire of our passion and our sacred gift of creating.

Diwali_The_Festival_of_Lights

This is where the ‘Sacred Blood, Holy Grail’ comes in, my loves. The more we are releasing, allowing ourselves to let go, to move from what no longer feeds the purity of our souls (let’s not forget, this requires taking the time and space to reclaim our purity) – the more we are creating an emptiness, a space through which our blood can freely flow throughout our being – on every level. We are taking ownership of our health, our desires, our love, our sweetness, our power, our feminine presence. OUR BLOOD – the Holy Grail, the chalice of our very existence. We are falling more and more deeply into ourselves, in love with ourselves – seeing ourselves as holy. No more excuses for the way we love, apologies because our body might not be socially acceptable or because we are alluring by our very nature. We are creating whatever our hearts whisper to us, without censorship. We are AWAKE, alive and filled with the fire to wholly embrace our intimate truth.

So I offer to you, my dear friends, this cup from which to drink; to hold reverent our own sacred blood of presence, of coming into this life and perhaps many others as women. Holy, blessed, Sacred Feminine Women. This is our legacy.