Passion Underlying Envy

For many years, jealousy and I were best friends. My older sister is radiantly beautiful, as is my younger sister. (As am I, but we’ll come back to that later.) I was painfully jealous of my older sister Lisa, of her ability to socialize with such finesse, of how much all the guys always wanted her, of her quick witted strength and ability to respond without hesitation, of her confidence in who she is. The energy had such a hold on me, I continually tried to ‘get over it’ and even wrote my high school graduation speech on contentment, centering on this childhood jealousy and desperately hoping something would change after this. It did – but only for a short while. Because in reality – we cannot FORCE our way through emotions that run deep in our cells. We must FEEL them fully, sink deep into the space of marinating in the energy so that the drops of love, of wisdom, of truth can find their way to our lips.

Following up on The Beautiful Truth About the Green Eyed Monster, I see even more clearly today into the layers of our envious nature. Because this has been so present for me, I have NEEDED to understand envy at its depths, to transform how it plays into my heart, my soul and to turn off its power over my thoughts. As I began to feel into ENVY today, this is what I felt/experienced:

soul reflectionWhen we are feeling envious of another, we become empty inside. Not the kind of empty that awaits the Beloved filling us with Love, but the kind of empty that depletes our authentic power. We are in essence, trampling who we ARE. Because envy is derived from placing our eyes, our heart on another person, on their gifts, their beauty, wisdom, grace, wealth, love, health – you name it. We are no longer able to SEE ourselves because all we see is THEM. We effectively tell ourselves we are small, others are big and what we feel, carry, witness, know as our truth no longer holds our gaze.

Now, in a moment of fiery envy, of feeling so empty, small, ‘nothing’ – take a moment and breathe. Turn your gaze back to the beauty staring back at you from the mirror. Breathe HER in. See HER. Close your eyes and feel for your inner power. Let your passion begin whispering to you, touching you, arousing you. Let your interior grace pour itself over you, heating every inch of flesh. FEEL WHO YOU ARE.

This, my loves, this is the beckoning that lies beneath your envy. As long as my eyes were on my sister, Lisa would always be a beautiful Goddess and I would be dark and invisible. She remains a beautiful Goddess, as does my younger sister Lydia. In present time, I not only know, but can FEEL the GODDESS I AM. And what matters most to me, what fills me up so completely is allowing myself to own that truth rather than passing it off to someone else to hold for me. I AM A BEAUTIFUL GODDESS, filled with a richness, with a fiery passion that ignites even the blackest of nights. I know who I am. And that is the breath envy needed to be released.

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Deepening the Layers

In conversations with the women of my intimate circles, what seems to be prevalent right now is a continual surge of activating and awakening energy, followed by dark moments and inner turmoil. I no longer believe that we are in an ‘expand and contract’ cycle–meaning that the more we open to the sacred energies stirring from within, the more we connect with ‘light’ energy, we will encounter equal measures of fear and instead of holding our center will become lost in the darkness. Validating this patterning feels like playing into the patriarchal way of seeing ourselves, stuck within a cycle and system of power that is outside ourselves.

Art-fire-wallpaper-women-1050x1680What I sense is that we are being cracked wide open – repeatedly. Especially those of us who have said yes, who have committed ourselves to the Sacred Feminine Ravishing happening across our planet. There are men in these circles to be sure, although for me the connections are mostly women. And women are not fucking around. We are no longer sitting back and allowing the events of our lives to be defined by someone else. We aren’t interested in someone telling us what we need or how we’re supposed to take the next step. We are deepening the layers of our own internal wisdom. We are opening the drapes of the rooms still left untouched within our soul’s castle. We are moving with haste ever more passionately into the Mystery. This is OUR language. We know this dialogue. There is a sacred encoding we carry and with each tear that falls, with each trembling we feel in our bodies, with every choice we make that is only about what WE FEEL is best – we are activating that code.

What I feel is that we are engaging a beautiful dance with ourselves. One that is about being laid bare, surrendering all that we are into the grace of our true power. We ARE the Divine Feminine in human form. We ARE master Creators, Lovers, Artists, Mothers. We are powerful alchemists and seductresses. And we make no apology for that. As we stand up one by one, again and again to own all of what we have for too long suppressed within ourselves, we are revealing each place where we have held tight to the old way of being, doing, expressing. We are deepening the layers. We are penetrating the sacred core of ourselves, moving through the old triggers, letting them go one by one, sometimes hundreds at a time. We are remembering the pure way of being with ourselves, as ourselves. And we are channeling that radiant presence out into our world.

We have said ‘no more.’ And whatever may come – we meant it.

Natural Born Beauty

In my quest for authenticity, I thought it was time to let my hair grow ‘natural’ – as in ‘gray.’ It’s about 50/50 dark/gray under the gorgeous, rich brown color I have loved for so long. In my 30’s I did ‘the blonde thing’ for a few years. At the time, it felt a little wild and I liked that. But luxurious brunette is truly who I am and what most makes me feel beautiful.

Little did I know the journey I was about to embark upon by choosing to ‘let the gray grow.’ The whisper of it was exhilarating – riding on the back of the motorcycle with my love, feeling the breeze, fully connecting to the Presence of All That Is. It was as though we were sitting in conversation, SHE and I. As I contemplated a haircut and the sparkle making its way through my roots, I heard HER: ‘Why do you cover up who you are with that ‘muck’ on your head? You are already beautiful. You will simply be MORE beautiful with your gray hair.’ My whole self smiled with the sensation SHE sent my way as I felt HER words ripple through my bodies; it was the sensation of BEAUTIFUL. And so I decided to let the gray come….to stop coloring and ‘covering up’ who I am….and I was excited about it.

Until. The hairdresser suggested that in order to get rid of the dark color, we highlight blonde to begin lightening my hair in order to match the gray tones growing in. I was definitely not thrilled over this, but felt committed to the process. Oh my friends, let me tell you how dark that experience became. I was horrified in seeing my reflection. For three weeks, I tried to fall in love with the woman I saw in the mirror – and have loved for so long. I have known her from the inside and come to love who I am. But as vain as it may sound, I could not feel that love for my own outer beauty with this foreign, frizzy, blonde, ugly hair. Waves of emotion poured through me, as though I became women from lifetimes before who were forced to have their heads shaved and their beauty stripped from them. As the tears flowed, I went deeper and deeper into how much our own natural beauty as a woman DOES matter. It’s part of our feminine essence. We each attach to it in unique ways, we express who we are through the way we dress, wear our hair, put on makeup or not, paint our lashes, adorn our curves and color our lips.

What I realized, my loves, is that I have been this woman who loves beauty all along, only when I witnessed this passion in other women judged rather than embraced them for it. I convinced myself this is not who I am. That I choose to let my natural way of aging, of changing, of becoming to reveal and blossom. Thus – the gray hair. I understood how my own judgment played into the ancient patriarchal wounding of women…..of myself. My outer beauty matters to me, just as much as my inner beauty does. One is not better or more sacred than the other. Without going through this process, I wouldn’t have understood that in quite the way I do now.

me 3.14What I believe SHE was whispering to me was to let go of believing I have to be ONE WAY in order to be authentic. Rather than trying to be something I am not – in love with gray hair that feels dull to my lively personality and passion – HER desire is for me to find what feels beautiful TO ME, AS ME, FOR ME – and to honor it. I’m thrilled to share that yesterday we ‘washed that blonde right out of my hair’ and the natural born beauty of a brunette that I AM is breathing with life once more. I feel amazing – not only because I am beautiful to my own eye, but because through this experience I released so much for myself and for women everywhere. It’s okay to want to be beautiful on the outside too. Somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that – who we are as beautiful women. Whether we go naturally gray or love the vivacious colors we can play with, wear makeup or feel fresh without it. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we allow our own voice to express in whatever way she wishes. That we are true to HER call for us.

Your personal invitation to AWAKENING WOMAN

 

Beautiful Truth of the Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy. Some of us feel it more than others–I am certainly one of those women. I’ve been thinking about it recently, as I’ve told myself I’m being jealous and looked within to discover why. What I’m recognizing is that jealousy is not about wanting to BE someone else or have what they have, it’s about an old sting of lack in ourselves, and specifically not yet having a clear understanding of who we are. When we know who we are, we fall in love with ourselves. We can’t imagine being someone or something else because we are so enamored with all that we already ARE.

And just to be clear, I’m not talking about admiring someone else. I’m talking about jealousy in the way we’ve experienced it as a ‘bad word’ to define how we feel–especially as women toward one another. You rarely hear of a woman truly being jealous of a man, do you? No, most often this is one of those emotions made ugly by way of the patriarchal influence that is now dissolving itself away through the presence of the authentic Divine Feminine.

green wallz.moon.pkWhat I can truly see now, is that jealousy is not ugly. It’s an aspect of our ability to Love, our DESIRE to Love. To love ourselves, to love others, to be in love with all that falls into our lives. To move deep into the space of the heart and FEEL LOVE. Now let’s look from another angle at that ‘green eyed’ monster…..

GREEN. Green is the color of the heart chakra, the color of healing, of life, renewal, rebirth, of our Mother Earth. Green is the color of LOVE. And so, what if jealousy is really a desire for Love? What if we began to FEEL in ourselves that when a pang of ‘jealousy’ strikes, it is merely the whisper of Love reminding us who She is, of who WE are with HER? What if that instant shot of what we consider to be unhappiness is in her reality a beckoning of Love Herself, calling us, pulling us ever more deeply into ourselves, into our beautiful, radiant selves and the gorgeous stream of Love that lives within?

What if, my friends? What if all we have bought and allowed as truth no longer resonates as our reality? What if we opened ourselves to a whole new dictionary and language of being and all these labels have it wrong? What if? Then I would be one powerhouse of pure, GREEN, radiating, gorgeous, pulsing, pour-all-over-you LOVE! And I daresay, so would you.

Immaculate Embrace of Love

She enters with a desperation, initiating deep longing in the very core of our being. Stirring, churning, awakening. She is a force to be reckoned with, for she doesn’t accept no for an answer. Although relentless, she remains gentle in her approach, ever willing to wait for our consent. All the while, she burns deep into our being, leaving her fiery imprint on our most interior and vulnerable space.

Her desire is for intimacy, passion and heated discomfort enough to create an opening for her entry. She is tender, holding a beautiful frequency of unconditional love. And if we allow her to penetrate, she will fill every crevice with an insatiable ache for her warmth.

AngelGoddess
Original artist of this gorgeous Divine Feminine art was unable to be verified through the internet. I would love to give credit, so please do let me know if you have information. xo

She does not disappoint, for when she does make contact–when she does find her way into the dark chalice of our being, she fills us with an inexhaustible reservoir of grace. She exhumes the shallows of our human understanding of what it is to love, what it is to be the vibration of pure love.

And she is calling. She calls to you. She calls to me, to us–with a ferocity unmatched by any other. Her warm heat flows over, around and between us, creating sacred bonds that cannot be undone. She opens us fully, spreading apart our resistance, dissolving every utterance of fears. She is pure, chaste, immaculate–devoid of shame or guilt. She knows no boundaries, nor needs any. She is All. She is you. She is me. We are One.

 

Whispers in Reflection

I truly had no idea how dark this year has felt for me. Oh, I’ve moved along with each crisis, celebration and life event. And yet–I somehow stepped out of a sacred space, immersed more and more into the physical reality that swirled around me. The details don’t matter because my focus here is really the journey back into myself. My beloved soul companion Joss Burnel articulated it perfectly in saying that we each have times in our lives where our lives demand much of us and we exist in a different space. But when we come back into the quiet, the serenity, we feel before us a newness of ourselves and an opportunity in which to determine what pieces of our former life we will take forward. There is an energy of discovery in this new way of being that Life Herself has ushered us into.

DSC01356The whispers are returning, sweet friends. Those heart whispers that allow me to close my eyes and feel the Grace move through–those whispers that indeed allow each one of us to do that in our own unique ways. It’s not that we’ve been disconnected, only that for a period of time our attention and energy were needed elsewhere. It’s the ebb and Flow of our lives, though, isn’t it? It certainly has been for mine. I’m not sure I can recall a period of time in which so much has occurred in such a short space in my life. And I must admit I did find myself feeling it was absurd for all of this to be in MY life!? How on earth did this come to be? I don’t live this way. All those silly, false truths floated their way to the surface. And in reflection I see that I am human as are you–we each have these times in our lives and we are each given the gifts that reveal themselves as the dark veils begin to lift.

Our Sacred Circle gathering today was centered around the following passage from Circle of Stones. Upon reading it, I could sense the relevance to other times in my life, but it wasn’t until I sat in the beautiful, sacred circle of women I love that I really felt the truth of the darkness in my life so recently. It didn’t the look the way one might expect. I remembered to find consciousness through it. But that’s very different from moving into a deeply sacred, soulfully present space. THAT is the space I so love and find myself longing for. And that, my dear friends is the space we share here together. Thank you for bringing your presence into this extraordinary virtual sanctuary that is ours. We revel in the light of Divine Presence, and isn’t that, in truth, the space from which even the darkness originates?

From today’s event:

“How might your life have been different, if, as a young woman, there had been a place for you, a place where you could go to be among women… a place for you when you had feelings of darkness? And, if there had been another woman, somewhat older, to be with you in your darkness, to be with you until you spoke… spoke out your pain and anger and sorrow.

And, if you had spoken until you had understood the sense of your feelings, how they reflected your own nature, your own deepest nature, crying out of the darkness, struggling to be heard.

And, what if, after that, every time you had feelings of darkness, you knew that the woman would come to be with you? And would sit quietly by as you went into your darkness to listen to your feelings and bring them to birth… So that, over the years, companioned by the woman, you learned to no longer fear your darkness, but to trust it… to trust it as the place where you could meet your own deepest nature and give it voice.

How might your life be different if you could trust your darkness… could trust your own darkness?” ~ Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk