Falling into Emptiness

Emptiness. Just the word alone has a ring of auspiciousness to it, does it not? Something inside us panics when we feel the vibrations of this word, and yet we all know what it feels like to move into a space of emptiness. Of not feeling attached to, connected to any one particular thing.

I find myself in this space of being. There are moments my mind tries to wrangle it into submission, wanting to be busy with something. Trying to think of ways to spend my time. In the life my husband and I have created together, I am left with a lot of free time at this stage in my life. Our youngest daughter will leave for college in just a few weeks, although we found our children home less frequently once they began to drive, so not having them in the house isn’t new. At least not entirely. What does feel new is being at this place where there isn’t going to be any need for mothering, and if I’m honest, I feel that part of my life has run its course. I’ll still be a mother and love and nurture these beautiful beings that came to be ‘ours’ in this life, but not on a daily basis. Neither they nor I want that any longer. In our own ways, we all desire to be free to choose the next steps of our lives.

I’ve also let go of my business as it no longer felt fueled by passion. If there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that passion must be present in whatever I commit to–and I’m still in the process of understanding just how that feels. When I sink into the emptiness, the vast spans of time that are now left uncluttered by doing – I find feelings of not being ‘anything.’ We all know these feelings – they come with needing to accomplish, to label, to prove, to DO something. Only – there’s nothing at this time in my life that is clearly calling to be done. What has called is a clearing of what no longer resonates.

emptiness

It’s not a space we feel comfortable in – the emptiness. The lack of scheduling, of accomplishing, of being needed, of having our time encroached upon – thus proving our importance. And yet, even alongside the insecurities that arise in this dark space of nothingness, I find it’s just what I desire. I want more depth, more real, more passion and meaning. I want to know that when I give my time and energy it’s because it uplifts my soul, it stirs my juices and brings into being more of the beauty I am here to be. We all know the language by now, words like authentic, spiritual, healing, awakening. And while these words and energies have served us well, there’s no longer a pulsing frequency in them for me. There’s a new language waiting to be discovered. There’s something that wishes to be birthed, only it’s not yet come into matter. There is no form, only an understanding of its promise and presence. There are remembrances in my being that haven’t quite yet become identifiable – if they ever will.

It’s unnerving to simply witness the old feelings of not being enough arising for me in this space. And yet, as an observer rather than an active participant in those weighted beliefs, we don’t have to become attached to the emotions we’re used to feeling in that space. We can simply watch. Let ourselves feel whatever arises, but not become consumed by it. If there is to be a consummation in my being, I wish it to be one of passion, of feeling alive in every sense of the word. This time to me feels like sloughing off the layers of what no longer carries life.

I have no idea what comes next. And I have days full of free time in which to sink deeper into myself and whatever she might wish to bring forth. In spite of the discomfort that arises, there is a sense of the luxury afforded to me in doing so. For that I radiate gratitude.

Advertisements

‘One Day My Soul Just Opened Up’

It’s the title of a book by Iyanla Vanzant that I’ve had on my bookshelf for years and never read. But something about the title has always spoken to me, and while looking at my website and seeing yesterday’s post title–And Then What Happened?–it was the answer I heard from within.

There isn’t any music or singing. No flashes of lightning or fluttering in my heart. And yet–there IS something different. I’m observing people all around me opening up in ways that previously were kept ‘secret’ or ‘distant.’ They share intimate longings for spiritual connection, talk about being born with a Caul (an indication of deep spiritual knowing and in some cases extraordinary psychic connection). I’m finding myself more and more in awe of what is being said OUT LOUD, of the courage and deep well of honesty required to do so.

But this is what I’ve been asking for isn’t it?! Yes, it certainly is. I want to be authentic and speak my truth out loud. And that is exactly what’s been happening in my life–on a fast track most recently. Our natural response to expansion is to contract. We need it sometimes in order to feel grounded again. We must be gentle with ourselves in this space–well, in any space. Too easily we forget the delicacy of soul language. And that my friends, is why our task is to honor our truth, building stamina in our souls. So that one day, when the call comes to say the unthinkable, to expose the unreasonable–we’ll be ready. We will have done the work that compels us to stand up and answer the call.

There’s no fancy language for what it means. It’s just true. My soul opened up. The beckoning continues. I just needed to get still and hear it. Thank you for your comments, your loving support, your gentle spirits as companions along the way. I treasure each one.

The journey continues….xoxo

A Soul’s Longing


Empty.

Waiting. Wanting.

Ready to be filled up.

Aching for something…someone

Absent of human form

Exceeding my physical reach.

 

Blocks. Desperation.

Struggling, reaching

Unable to grasp, to go beyond

To get within

The castle of my soul.

 

Dark night?

I don’t know.

Tears beg to come, but don’t.

Words begin to form–

Only to fall apart again.

 

Empty, hungry.

Frenzy building beneath the surface.

What is it?

Holding me here….

Blocked, just outside the veil.

 

Why can’t I enter?

I hear the call, and then it’s gone.

How do I get from here to there?

What is the next step to take?

I can’t see it nor feel it.

 

What is here to guide my way?

I’m asking…pleading.

Come to me.

 

Let me feel you in every pore of my being

Taste your sweetness lingering on my lips

Hear you with the ears of my heart

Know you absent of words spoken aloud

See you again behind the lids of my eyes.

 

Let me know it’s you

I long for you.

Be with me.

 

This is the cry of my soul,

The ache in my heart–

The restlessness of my being.

Come to me

As though we are one.

 

I open myself to you….

Ready, willing, surrendering

Into the grace of your presence.

 

Amen.

 


	

Changing Altitude

Change.  Uncertainty.  Lack of clarity.  How do you respond to these?  How do WE respond to these as a people?  I believe there is a shift in our approach.  Not only are we stepping forward into “allowing” ourselves to be–to just simply BE– but also we are allowing ourselves to be ALL.  And in this case, “all” means all that we are.  Divine.  Filled with the desire to love.  Open to connecting with others.  Willing to take down our walls of self-protection and move forward, facing our fears, our anxieties.  And as we do, what we realize is they had so very little power in reality, but so very much in our own minds. 

We are taking charge of the Divine potential–not even potential–the Divine TRUTH of who we are, and what we are capable of creating.  Our greatest purpose here is to love.  And what if we could just tap into that?  What if we made that our daily mantra and responded to the dilemmas, fears, frustrations–with love?

Changing altitude in a spiritual sense is much like changing altitude in a physical sense.  When flying a plane, if there are storms, they raise the altitude at which the plane is moving.  And there’s an altitude at which our human selves can’t handle the purity of air, the lack of gravity, the intensity of light.  But our spirits CAN.  Our spirit can soar far into the Universe.  We can take in all the cosmos has to offer us.  When this world weighs us down, we can defy the gravity of our baggage and raise the altitude of our consciousness.

And this is the journey friends.  THIS is what we are here to do.  Release that which holds us in place, let go of the anxieties and just allow ourselves to step into the power of our spirits.  THIS is the calling of our souls, all of us.  We are unique in how we feel Spirit move through us, and how we connect to the beauty of Life.  But we are all the same in terms of the longing in our soul.  We ache to be true, honest, filled with the integrity of Divine presence–seeking to be filled with love and healing.  And still this is not enough.  Our collective soul desires even more–to share, to channel, to become a vessel of the energy that is GRACE.  To do this, we must, must, MUST allow ourselves to rise above the density of our baggage and our ego–and change the altitude.

All are able to do this.  With attention to our inner life, our intuitive knowing; gaining an understanding of just where the shift is needed, as we tune in listening…to the whispers of our hearts….