Who I Am

It’s a common enough phrase ‘I finally figured out who I am.’ I even heard it in a conversation with myself. You know–the kind we have quietly inside our own thoughts. But even as it subconsciously drifted through my mind, I felt a simultaneous questioning of whether or not that’s really true for me.

You see, it feels like we’ve for so long been focusing our attention on peeling layers to find our true self. And while I do agree with the benefit of processing to release what is no longer valid in our lives, in our selves, I’m not sure I believe that’s led to me finding this mysterious Jackie hidden underneath. What feels more authentic for me is that the commitment I’ve made to living as a whole, empowered human being has led to me accepting Jackie. I’ve been me all along. I’ve just been apologizing for that in the most subtle of ways. It’s absurd don’t you think–to not be ourselves because someone else might not feel ok about it? I have a very beloved friend with whom I can talk on the deepest of soul levels. We just ‘get’ each other in that place. She for so long carried guilt or shame about being a very fit and attractive woman. Family members made comment about ‘how nice it must be to be that small. I can’t ever remember being that little.’ My friend felt sorry that she was making others feel badly about themselves. All for just simply being. It wasn’t by any effort on her part–she just was. Why do we so naturally feel compelled to make ourselves ‘small’ in order to be ok?

And so it’s about fully accepting ourselves for who we already are rather than striving to become something else. The mystical nature of transformation is that it occurs all on its own, regardless of our efforts. When we surrender into the grace of our already-present and beautiful beingness we open to all possibility, we radiate gratitude and exude the true essence of what it is to be joyful. We feel the abundance in our lives, we see that same element of divine presence in others that we are feeling so fully within ourselves. And our world begins to elevate, rising to meet us.

Rather than asking and searching to answer the question ‘who am I?’ try instead breathing into the statement ‘who I am.’ Much love my friends. xo

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

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Whispers in Reflection

I truly had no idea how dark this year has felt for me. Oh, I’ve moved along with each crisis, celebration and life event. And yet–I somehow stepped out of a sacred space, immersed more and more into the physical reality that swirled around me. The details don’t matter because my focus here is really the journey back into myself. My beloved soul companion Joss Burnel articulated it perfectly in saying that we each have times in our lives where our lives demand much of us and we exist in a different space. But when we come back into the quiet, the serenity, we feel before us a newness of ourselves and an opportunity in which to determine what pieces of our former life we will take forward. There is an energy of discovery in this new way of being that Life Herself has ushered us into.

DSC01356The whispers are returning, sweet friends. Those heart whispers that allow me to close my eyes and feel the Grace move through–those whispers that indeed allow each one of us to do that in our own unique ways. It’s not that we’ve been disconnected, only that for a period of time our attention and energy were needed elsewhere. It’s the ebb and Flow of our lives, though, isn’t it? It certainly has been for mine. I’m not sure I can recall a period of time in which so much has occurred in such a short space in my life. And I must admit I did find myself feeling it was absurd for all of this to be in MY life!? How on earth did this come to be? I don’t live this way. All those silly, false truths floated their way to the surface. And in reflection I see that I am human as are you–we each have these times in our lives and we are each given the gifts that reveal themselves as the dark veils begin to lift.

Our Sacred Circle gathering today was centered around the following passage from Circle of Stones. Upon reading it, I could sense the relevance to other times in my life, but it wasn’t until I sat in the beautiful, sacred circle of women I love that I really felt the truth of the darkness in my life so recently. It didn’t the look the way one might expect. I remembered to find consciousness through it. But that’s very different from moving into a deeply sacred, soulfully present space. THAT is the space I so love and find myself longing for. And that, my dear friends is the space we share here together. Thank you for bringing your presence into this extraordinary virtual sanctuary that is ours. We revel in the light of Divine Presence, and isn’t that, in truth, the space from which even the darkness originates?

From today’s event:

“How might your life have been different, if, as a young woman, there had been a place for you, a place where you could go to be among women… a place for you when you had feelings of darkness? And, if there had been another woman, somewhat older, to be with you in your darkness, to be with you until you spoke… spoke out your pain and anger and sorrow.

And, if you had spoken until you had understood the sense of your feelings, how they reflected your own nature, your own deepest nature, crying out of the darkness, struggling to be heard.

And, what if, after that, every time you had feelings of darkness, you knew that the woman would come to be with you? And would sit quietly by as you went into your darkness to listen to your feelings and bring them to birth… So that, over the years, companioned by the woman, you learned to no longer fear your darkness, but to trust it… to trust it as the place where you could meet your own deepest nature and give it voice.

How might your life be different if you could trust your darkness… could trust your own darkness?” ~ Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk 

Finding Her Way Back

I lost her…..

 

Carefree, living with wild abandon

Without a care of what lies beyond in the shadows

She once ran free

Unaware of what it could mean to be ‘liberated’

 

There was no book of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’

No expectations of how to be

She already knew who she was

No need to ‘peel the layers’

 

But little by little she slipped away

…..by ‘don’t do this’ or ‘stop that’

Disapproval in the eyes of others

Sending her fire deep into hiding

 

Bit by bit her body became the enemy

Impulses to move with abandon beat into submission

Heat of her passion drowned out

Covered in shame, guilt, fear

 

She lost herself then

And all too soon she was gone

Replaced by this glorious model of perfection

So pleased to impress the ones who ‘mattered’

 

Ugly words, whispering, accusations

Seeping deep into her cells

Redefining her sense of her self

Quietly draining every last bit of resistance

 

But the story goes on….

 

Georgia O'Keefe, Red Canna
Georgia O’Keefe, Red Canna

She’s breathing again, calling her self back

Remembering the essence of who she is

Drawing Life Force deep into her soul

Beckoning Earth, Fire, Wind and Water

 

To WAKE HER UP, to stir her senses

She is WOMAN

Sensual, voluptuous, Feminine

Strong in her power

 

No longer a young maiden

Cheapened by the opinions of others

She stands with her head high

Body erect, beloved and regal

 

Finding her way back

Reclaiming all of who she is

Ferocious rebel yell

From the fire in her belly

 

The language of love–

She understands now

Takes many forms

Claims many hearts

 

Love finds her own way

Carving a path unique to her quest

Void of approval, yet rich with grace

Asking only that we open to her probing entry

 

She lost herself once

And for far too long

But the signs are all there

Soliciting return, imploring reply

 

And so comes her answer

Steeped in sweet surrender

And a quieting of all she has been told…..

 

‘Yes….yes. Yes I am here, open, willing, answering to LOVE.’

 

 

 

God Imagined It

I began to write a ‘Happy New Year’ post on Facebook, and it formed into a letter as the words poured out. And so I find myself here, with so much I wish to say. The irony of this moment is that I was here just this morning, ‘Add New Post’ screen open and ready for all I held inside to fill the page. But nothing happened…

It’s the quote Oprah has shared several times that got me:

God has so much more for you than you could ever imagine for yourself.

My fingers were dancing across the keyboard, thoughts and images coming in waves. What am I thankful for? What changed? How am I different now from January 2012?

Lauren and Cliff – TWO of our beloved children are now off to college. Lauren recently said this is no longer her home, it’s now her parents’ house. She’s found so much of herself this year, a mirror of her own mother who’s been doing the same. She at 19, as I melted into being 40. Clifford becoming a young man as he steps off into his much desired independence. That’s been his gift to me, his quiet spirit guidance – ‘Mom, let it be.’ Jordan, who wasn’t so sure she would like being an only child for the first time in her life–this beautiful young lady (I want to say ‘girl’) unaware just yet of her impact on this world. I realize sometimes I don’t allow myself to sink into what it is to love, to know and to be mother to these three children of ours. It makes me weepy to sit in it for a moment. They’re amazing, these human beings.

Soul Journey

I feel my inner critic reminding me how sappy this must be. But this is my blog, my space, my heart. This is her voice, here. Now. I couldn’t have imagined this life I have. I wouldn’t have thought to expect or ask for all that 2012 brought my way. It’s been an incredible journey deeper into our lives, into my self, my spirit, the interior of my soul. What I felt on January 2–Breaking Down the Box–became the theme of much of my year. Let go, release, liberate, allow. As Summer faded away and Autumn made her presence, the shift had occurred and was finding her way to the surface. With our family in transition and at ‘rest,’ I felt the call. It wasn’t what you might expect. There wasn’t any bolt of lightning. Steadily I’d felt it growing these last six months. And I couldn’t have imagine it this would be how 2012 ended.

Our children are nearly grown. Our marriage has strengthened – again in that quiet, subtle way – and our love has deepened. My heart is more open, although I would have thought it hard to believe that was possible. And not only my heart, my energy, my whole SELF. There’s a peacefulness I didn’t have a year ago. I’m content. (A little laugh here, remembering that ‘Contentment’ was the topic of my graduation speech, although I struggled to find any at 18.) I’ve created a business of my own, having desired and written about this in my journal for a couple of years. And this business is one that I love, that is of service to so many and creates a space of grace and collaboration–very fulfilling. We live in a new time, my friends. We’re alive at such an incredible time of our history. I am loving life and all She has brought to me in 2012. Every moment of heartache, every tear, kiss, smile and fit of laughter–I wouldn’t change a thing.

I couldn’t have imagined it. Ever. But here’s what I know–God imagined an extraordinary life for Jackie L. Robinson. I’m excited and so open to the moments of 2013–the ‘year of the soul.’ I’m in awe of this energy that has woven its way into my life, and I welcome all it has to offer.

Very deep gratitude to each one of you who is reading this, who’ve been here reading my words from the beginning and those who have recently connected. I’d love for you to leave a note so we can reconnect at the start of a new year. May 2013 bring your dreams to life, stir your heart with love, heal your pains. May you experience what it is to be at peace, to merge with the sacred, to feel abundant joy. May you open to all that awaits you. Believe in the most beautiful of who you are and trust there is a Force greater than you holding the rest. May it all be so. Much love to each of you. Happy 2013, my dear friends.