Illness is my Lover

I’m a woman who demands her lovers. They’re a necessary part of my life and have been for as long as I can remember. I crave and thrive upon the sensual stirrings, the intimacy, the deep connection to something that is greater than anything else this life has to offer. So imagine my surprise recently when illness began her sultry seduction.

We’re attuned to illness being something to ‘get rid off.’ During the two weeks I laid quietly and gently on the couch, there were some who shared their thoughts of what ‘to take’ or how to ‘get better.’ Only – I wasn’t trying to get better. Just a day or two in to the emptiness I felt in my body, I opted to give myself fully to the fatigue and congestion. Each time my mind wanted to mourn the discomfort or wonder just how long we would have to do this, I returned to a state of surrender to this place of rest, of nothingness, of stillness and separation from all that exists in the ‘real world.’ I gave myself full permission to be ill.

It goes against our grain in some way. We’re used to surrendering to something that feels ‘spiritual’ or ‘good.’ We’re not so accustomed to letting ourselves be sick. It feels like something must be ‘wrong with us.’ And yet, for me my illness served as a mystical doorway. While everything else in my physical world stood still – the doing, the taking care of others, the need to cook or clean or write or speak – intense movement took shape through my interior world. Relationships changed, my ‘work’ focus streamlined and some of what I had felt so passionate about during the last several months began to lose the pulse of Life my soul requires in order to feel alive. Even in my illness, in the tired state of my physical body, I could feel the vitality of my soul.

Mariska Karto Illness

Illness is my lover – was my lover. She has left for now. It came to me as I neared the end of our affair together – I had given myself completely to her. I knew that – I felt that with full clarity in all of my being. And just as clear was the message it was time to let her go. Our heated passion was over. My body called me to come back into myself fully. And with as much fervor I shifted my energy and now gave myself fully to me.

I actually loved the time during which I felt so unwell. It was a mystical journey deep into myself, with only myself. We are gifted so many lovers in this life, and too often we miss the juice they offer to us. I’ve never in my life felt illness in my being as I did these last two weeks. There are layers of what she brought to me, how she impacted me on very deep levels, what I both released and embraced in myself. I’ll be writing more about this in my book.

For now, I leave you with this. Everything and anything that comes to you has the power to become your lover, to engage all of your senses in a mad, torrid affair of love that will pierce your heart and sear your soul. Surrender into it. Let yourself lie with deep pleasure, feeling the fullness of who you are. THIS is the mystic’s journey – making love with the sacred at every turn.

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