Sacred Transmission

Sacred Transmission? Those aren’t the words I felt when coming here to write, and yet that’s what came through as my fingertips began to type. ‘Transition’ was the word I ‘thought’ – ‘transmission’ is what my consciousness chose.

This is where I find myself, my emotions, my awareness. In deep shift, sometimes subtle, other times quite drastic. So many conversations and connections with others who are experiencing the same, and I wonder if you are? For me, this is a place where there is really nothing that demands my attention, my energy, my action. I’m free to follow whatever I feel – something so many dream of – and the reality of creating this space is that I must now sink in and FEEL. The answers – the direction – isn’t always there clear as day, in fact it feels as though it’s more vague than ever. Leaving me with open time and vast opportunity to be Jackie. We’re so not used to this. We ‘get it’ when it comes to taking action. That’s almost ‘easy.’ But what about when there isn’t any action?

sacred transmission

Yes, transition is true. Even more so is that there is a Sacred Transmission being activated in us all – those of us who have consciously chosen to awaken, to receive it, to hold it, live it, breathe it. It doesn’t come with a language we clearly understand, although if we are still enough in our interior life, we can intuit its presence. We can sense the essence of something that feels foreign and yet so beautifully familiar. There is a RAPID dissolution of what we have believed ourselves to be – labels falling away in a matter of moments, sudden and powerful ‘knowing’ coming into light without warning. We are in the process of recoding our DNA, of learning a brand new way of relating to ourselves and this world and at times, it feels a bit unsettling. In other moments, I feel an elation, an ecstatic joy unlike anything I’ve known previously in my life. And even amidst the waves of sadness and unsettling, I feel peace in it. There is no questioning, worrying, feeling anxious. There is simply a witnessing.

It’s extraordinary to witness in myself and in others. I’m certain there are many of you who understand this ‘transmission’ – this new language and way of being in ourselves and together. If you’re feeling the unsettling, if you’re undergoing a tremendous life change within yourself – be it subtle or raging – you’re in this Flow and upgrade of consciousness. It’s sweeping our planet with a fierce power and rapid pace. Welcome to your beautiful self. Sink in and let Her whisper deep into your heart. Feel it all without worry and doubt. Trust you are being ‘redesigned’ by the Divine. Love to you…xoxo

Percolating Love

Growing up I was certain that once I fell in love and got married my life would change drastically and things would become clear, easy, happy. Imagine my pain in falling off that pedestal of false perception! For years I wondered how I could have been so wrong, how the Universe could orchestrate such depths of love and connection between two souls, only to leave us empty, yearning for what felt so out of reach. 

It’s been twenty years my husband and I have been together now. The dream I carried in my heart as a child has taken a long and winding journey of its own, alongside the path of my life. But what is true is this, my friends: that dream of love being the answer to everything I desired–it’s truth. Love is the answer. It does carry a powerfully healing and empowering energy. Only not in the way we all anticipate. It doesn’t look like Snow White and her Prince Charming. Nor is it the racy, passionate love we expect to be duplicated from what we see on the screen, onto the pages of our every day existence. 

Connecting to love’s presence takes time. We have so many boundaries and barriers to her entrance into the very tender and vulnerable core of our heart. As humans in Earth school, we are adept at holding her prisoner, placing expectations on how she is meant to look and enter our lives. Sometimes so much so that we can’t recognize her even when she arrives in all her beauty and glory. We push back, keep her warmth at bay–believing somehow WE are the ones being wronged in this scenario. 

We aren’t yet trained to see love as she is. Quiet, open, inviting–ever beckoning us to let go. She waits for us as we wrestle with the art of surrender. With patience and grace she holds space while we flounder in the depths of our own wounds and fears. And when we emerge through healing and a desire to be whole, she is there. Arms open, fully ready and willing to hold us in her embrace. 

One of the most beautiful things about Divine love is she does not force herself upon us. Always we have the choice–stay or go. Open or hold on tightly to what feels ‘safe.’ Walk away with our pride intact, or stay in the place where transforming fire burns away the rough edges of our ego. For beyond those walls of protection lives the most exquisite gem of who we are–the capacity to let go, to love completely, to trust that we are always held in the arms of her grace. 

Twenty years. Love has been percolating in my marriage all this time, and I’ve only just realized it over the last few years. Even in the darkest moments–she never left us–she never left me. The true essence of her has been right here all along, waiting to be unleashed, burning through the barriers we’ve so meticulously engineered around our soft spots. And today, my friends, she could even be Prince Charming! Only Prince Charming isn’t the man I thought he was. He’s REAL. He’s authentic, with dreams, hopes, fears and a truth of his own. We are both human–AND spirit. We are meant to be side by side, loving, supporting, honoring one another. And together, through all of life’s curves and turns, we have and are continuing to learn just how to follow her lead. She is our ever present Guide. 

The choice continues to be ours. Follow, open, allow, surrender….or hold tight. For me personally, I find the more I let go and surrender to the Divine, to the power of the Love I so desire, the more it is reflected back to me. What greater gift could I want from the man I love than to speak directly to the very tender and vulnerable core of my heart? I can’t think of anything. It’s been worth the wait, the struggles, the challenges, the heartbreak to come full circle to this place. No doubt, we have more turns to navigate, but we’ll do it together and in the warm rays of Divine Love. 

‘Mirror, Mirror’

Unraveling. That’s the word I would use to define myself just now. Some others might be perplexed, uncertain and even a bit unhinged. It’s no coincidence I’ve entered a bit of inner confusion just as the start of a new year is upon us. My soul was seeking change, and with a hurricane force, I’m experiencing just that on so many levels and in so many areas of life. 

Caroline Myss taught us that confusion is good – for our spirit. It means we enter a space of darkness in which we are then able to let go of pretense, seeking out only our own true reality, universal truths, Divine connection. I *know this to be true. And yet, the confusion and uncertainty are the reality I’m living in. 

That ‘perfection’ word has really got me. No one could have known the impact their supportive comments could have had, and yet I know there is purpose in all of this. I mean: I *know. Again – the knowing doesn’t change the discomfort. 

Marge, Joss, Cat & others: Could we ever have imagined that the ‘no comfort zone’ would bring us into discomfort in so many areas of our lives – and SO quickly? Yes, perhaps. But now we’re living the every day reality of that vision. 

What I find to be the most disconcerting is that the words don’t always ‘work’ anymore. My writing style….my interaction, communication especially through written word has always had a certain ‘flow’ to it. I know what it feels like…and when I’m unable to get there…..well…..

Oh my…the realizations that are coming. ‘The Ugly Truth’ could have been the title of this post. It hurts to say that sometimes when I’m unable to get there authentically….I ‘fake it.’ Ugh. I seek out the warmest thing I can say when I simply don’t know WHAT to say. It’s almost amusing to observe myself even now trying to insert little ‘explanations’ into this post to make it a little less ugly….ALMOST amusing, but not really. 

So what happens now? I have no clue, other than I don’t WANT to fake it. The words aren’t flowing, there’s not a river-like rhythm to what I’m sharing. Instead it feels like a jumbled up mess that I couldn’t possibly ‘edit’ to move more beautifully…..there’s just no way. What would be the point anyway?

Perfection. It’s breaking down inside me so quickly, I can’t even find a way to MAKE it remain on lead. And here’s what’s true, my friends: While somewhere deep inside myself I surely *knew all this was true….in the everyday place of awareness….I had no idea. Thus the ‘sting.’ Perhaps this is not a year of whispers from my heart, but 2×4’s, lol. Or perhaps a heart’s whisper isn’t always gentle, sweet and loving. I’m redefining it for myself, I think….no, I’m REfining it, the heart’s whisper. Because really, I know it’s the message, the yearning, the truth of who we are, from the very depths of our soul. And that truth isn’t always beautiful to the human eye…..only to the view that comes from the purity of our hearts. 

I don’t have anything profound to share today. I don’t have words of wisdom to uplift you. I’m not feeling filled with grace or elegance. But I am sharing what is true. Even though it seems ugly by comparison. My ego isn’t filled with pride at how beautiful all these words are. I’m seeing myself. With a very raw clarity that creates change and brings me to tears. And although there are places in me that feel ugly, empty, without worth…..I know this is positive. I know the sting represented truth I needed to see. Here on day five of this new year. I’m continuing to break down the box….to let the flaps lie as they are. No ‘prettying it up’ or ‘keeping it safe.’ I can’t even find the tools to do that. It just doesn’t work anymore

In the situation with our son that is currently so challenging – I keep hearing him say how ‘tired he is of this.’ This, I can see clearly is him trying to hold on to something that just isn’t possible – to fight for it rather than let life move forward and see who and what he is. I can so relate….but haven’t realized until just now….how very tired I am. Time to stop fighting for perfection. The reward is rapidly growing dim….and losing value. 

To the mirrors in my life…and you know who you are….I thank you for reflecting the truth back to me. xo

Breaking Down the Box

I couldn’t have guessed what the real implication of moving out of my own ‘comfort zone’ would be this early in 2012. Yesterday – January 1 – I had an emotional meltdown. Typically I’m very mindful of how I communicate and interact when my emotions are stretched to the edge – and even that isn’t a regular occurrence. Mindfulness in expression, I’ve worked hard to connect to that space. And I really thought taking part in this ‘no comfort zone’ challenge would expand my ability to live authentically and connect me even more intimately with my purest self.

As I tried to fall asleep after unleashing tears, anger, frustration and all of what I was feeling inside on the people involved, I could hear myself thinking aloud: ‘Welcome to your no comfort zone, Jackie.’ Emotions neatly processed, words carefully chosen, choices weighed with conscious contemplation. I don’t ‘lose it’ very often, in fact I can’t recall the last time I did.

But the walls of safety, my desire for integrity and efforts of mindfulness couldn’t hold me in last night. It wasn’t unkindness that flowed from me, but a deep, deep pain and frustration that sought to move beyond the barriers and ‘right ways’ of expressing and just be heard. I can’t begin to tell you, my friends, how careful I usually am to not say something harmful, to not be the parent who can’t control her emotions when her children upset her, to hold it together and not become the ’emotional mother’ when I feel hurt by teenagers who have no idea what life is really about–because I don’t want to put ‘my stuff’ on them. I want to be a conscious mother who honors her children’s feelings and ability to choose–only perhaps I’ve done too much of that and the scales are out of balance. 

I would normally be checking everything I said this morning to see what damage I might have done. And yet, something deeper inside knows it wasn’t about that, and I wasn’t cruel or unkind. I was human. Feeling, expressing, speaking my truth–out loud. It’s not only our comfortable truth that we are compelled to share, is it friends? We have emotional truth, spiritual truth, mental truth–all are a part of our being. Emotional truth found her way to my lips last night, and she spoke with a passion that couldn’t be quieted. And here’s what’s true: I’m not sorry. Not because I’m pious–but because I can’t find anything to feel ‘sorry’ for. 

My realization in all this in real-life time of what I have known to be true: when we begin listening to our guidance (to walk five days in one week, for example) we step into the unknown and much, much greater things begin moving. The comfortable box I was in, where I could find peace in how I was interacting throughout this 6 month ordeal in our family took new form last night. What was once a nice square ‘cardboard box’ is now a flattened bit of flaps that no longer fit together. Alchemy. Spiritual alchemy. What was–is no longer. 

I don’t know what today will bring. I do know that I’m committed to this journey, however it leads me. And it feels quite clear that 2012 will bring an unveiling of the walls that confine who I am. Beyond those walls lives the mystery, the mystical journey, the magic of BEing. THAT is my destination. I’m so grateful to have found Marge’s post about the ‘no-comfort zone’ challenge. For in taking those steps of committing, listening to the guidance that came, and then following through and WALKING yesterday, already the transformation has made her entrance. And that was DAY ONE. 

 

 

Just as You Are

As part of the fall program Revolution4Evolution, I’ve been taking classes and preparing myself to stand fully behind my beliefs that WE are the change. One of the teachers and the visionary behind the program Malathy Drew assured us that this work would shine a light on the places where we have yet to align our actions–our outer world, with our beliefs–our inner world. I understood it when she said it, and could see how that would be absolutely true.

I now find myself LIVING it. Part of what I’m currently working on is creating a short ‘welcome’ video for my new FB page. Loving words as I do, it seems it would be so simple: just sit down, set aside the nerves and talk from the heart. Oh dear friends, it’s not going ‘according to plan.’ Try as I might, there’s something I struggle to move past in this process and the Universe has her own Divine timing. My mind understands the message: BE AUTHENTIC. YOU ARE PERFECT just as you are. And yet, something deeper within has taken on a very different belief and is now wrestling to maintain its hold.

This space is unexpected and unnerving. There’s a great sense of frustration and again–my MIND understands surrender is necessary. But here’s the odd paradox contained within this inner conflict: there’s also a Divine timing in the act of surrender. Just knowing it, realizing it’s needed–these are not enough. There has to be a very profound shift within the interior of oneself that alchemically begins to RELEASE the toxic beliefs and dialogue contained within the shadows of our being.

Something so simple–proving to be painfully difficult. Even while I realize there is a transforming presence in this space, I continue to feel exhausted, frustrated and at odds with it. So often, we are transformed and connected to the Divine through the simplest of our life’s experiences. What feels so ‘small’ becomes enormous when we are facing the truth of ourselves and letting go of remnants from our past programming.

I’ve attached a photo of another of our beautiful, Divine feline companions. Pete was a rescue and has brought to us the energy of being enough ‘just as you are.’ He has no idea one of his eyes is missing. His life is no less filled with love and serenity. Pete is always willing to purr a sweet whispers of love and has a very peaceful and content presence about him. My heart fills with love….and I am reminded that I am already perfect as I am. Time to let go of expectations for it to ‘look’ a certain way–even those I didn’t realize were deeply rooted in my being.

I thank you for allowing me to share with you, and ask for your love and prayers. Just being in this space of allowing the truth to be stated and feeling the power of these words and this experience is healing. I’m certain my heart is whispering….and for me the work is to see and release the layers blocking my soul from hearing. My spirit is willing…and my intention today is to connect to the inner voice and just allow it to be so. Much love to you all…xoxo

Yin and Yang Dance Together

One of my heart’s greatest desires is to live authentically–as ME.  There’s a beloved purity in allowing oneself to be as we are, without putting stipulations and expectations on ourselves.  Recently, I’ve taken many ‘giant’ steps toward living this truth, and with each one comes a sense of inner freedom.  As I choose to integrate more of who I truly am, my soul is more and more liberated from the shackles of fear, judgment and co-dependency.

I’m feeling this reality as I contemplate the day and weekend ahead.  Coming out of a very busy week, there is much to catch up on and get organized here at home.  My mind says for me to ‘relax, take it easy and just enjoy.’  Yet, I am aware of a checklist of things I truly wish to work on and accomplish.  For me it’s not about being able to check them off, but about honoring the truth inside of myself and giving space to all that my physical and spiritual self not only desire, but need.  And in this moment, the whispers are absolutely clear:  ‘set your priorities and move through them at your own pace.’ 

What’s so very beautiful about this experience is that even THIS is a letting go.  We tell ourselves that when we’re overwhelmed we need to step back, rest, be still and get centered.  And yes, this is all part of the process.  But there are also times we need to then move forward and take action in our world.  This is the beautiful marriage of body and soul.  The soul needs connection, stillness, a very pure and raw intimacy with the Divine in and around us.  The body needs movement, function, animation and involvement with all of Life.  Together they create a fully integrated being.  One who can be still a moment to connect to his/her truth, and then use that inner knowledge to affect change in their world.

How liberating this feels!  So simple, right friends?  And yet, it’s tremendously empowering: to allow these two parts of my being to join together.  The ‘drive’ of my desire to get grounded through accomplishing the things that matter to me coupled with the longing of my heart to honor my spirit.  Together they are a powerful force of love, truth and presence.  It feels much like an AHA! moment for me!  A space in which my Universe, my belief system has shifted to another angle of being. 

Loving ourselves isn’t just taking the action of pampering who we are, shutting out the ‘real world’ and hibernating either in real time or by withdrawing from the world around us.  Instead it’s allowing ALL of who we are, what we feel, our desires, dreams and goals to co-exist in one being!  Taking it one step further, it’s bringing THAT authentic self out into the world, as an agent of change.

Wow.  Thank you for taking this journey with me.  There’s an energy of movement inside myself….I’m feeling excited about accomplishing the things that matter to me today.  My heart is elated to be heard and my mind thrilled to recognize there is a balance, a weaving together of masculine and feminine in this way, the sacred dance of yin and yang.  Beautiful.  And this dear friends, is why I so love tuning in and listening.  For we can’t possibly always know what one might hear…..in the whispers of our hearts…..

Soaking up the Sun

Always there’s activity in Nature outside my office windows, overlooking the back yard. In this moment two birds sit quietly soaking up the sun..one a lovely brown thrasher and the other our ever present companion the robin. Each is in their own space of being, neither seeking to force something into existence. And as I contemplated what was in my heart, they became pure reflections of my own state of being.


Brown Thrasher
Robin

 

 

 

 

 

There’s a lull–a pause, a breath–indeed a heartbeat of time in which it appears as though nothing really is happening.  Reminds me of Socrates in the movie ‘Peaceful Warrior’ teaching Dan:  “There’s never nothing going on.”  And so even while it appears time stands still in this place of my own journey, there is a tremendous amount of inner transformation taking shape.  

I’m merely…’soaking up the sun.’  This is a space in which I am allowing the light to penetrate my spirit and the call of my soul to be felt.  The words aren’t yet clear, but the feeling, the *knowing is certain.  There’s a stirring….of something beyond my own comprehension.  And so it is entirely in the hands of Divine wisdom to guide its unfolding.  For there is very little human action I can find to assist its manifestation.  

Soaking up the sun, allowing its warmth, its love and the grace of its brilliance to envelop my entire being.  Pausing, taking breath and choosing to be still long enough to let it penetrate, rather than flail around in vain attempts to force it into a vessel of being–not its own.  There’s a calm in this place, surrender.  There’s an opening taking shape, creating the way for the presence of Divine being to enter.  And this is exactly where I choose to be…soaking up the sun, welcoming All That Is to use me at will.  The soul needs service.  And I’m going to be still long enough to answer the call.  

The beauty of this place is that even though there is not an earthly direction in which to travel, there is always the deeper connection to my spirit that brings a sense of peace.  So when the heat reaches a temperature that feels unbearable, and when the stillness becomes so silent it feels no longer tolerable…I have only to be still yet another moment and listen….for it is then I feel the all-encompassing embrace of love….in the whispers of my heart…..