What does it mean to open my heart? To hear only the rhythm of my own mind, body and spirit in union, not to become absorbed by the voice and false beauty of illusion. To hold receptors of light that shine Divine healing into this world.
Teach me the grace and beauty of walking my own path.
Sitting in your chapel today for our last ritual, I felt your spirit so deeply. The sacred heart quickened the pace of my own heart, creating a flutter of birth within–that of the heart opening. I feel your presence so strong, visualizing the rays of the sacred heart spreading as the rays began to grow from my own heart. My legs, too, began to quiver as your sacredness penetrated my being. I was immovable from the energy connecting our souls. Open my heart–I know the rays are to go out from me–how? To whom?
As I stepped away from our intimate communion, you touched my soul with the light of knowing. You spoke to me softly with the voice of awareness: ‘This child, this is why they are in your life, for the healing you have known they needed and now will bring to them by your light, your words, your knowing. You are their healer–by the grace and light I shine through your spirit.’
These are the words I wrote in my journal July 7, 2006 as I sat before the Black Madonna in her chapel of the Chartres Cathedral and later in the garden nearby. I’m not sure I understood what was happening to my soul–indeed my entire life. Upon returning home a depression set in. I believed that while in Chartres I hadn’t seen and felt the miracles of being in the Presence of sacredness, mostly because I was still measuring by comparison. This is just one excerpt from my journal during that week, and all these years later, I’m in awe of how deeply immersed I was in the Sacred.
I left Chartres feeling I was to go home and heal my family. They were who the Black Madonna–Mary–referred to as she talked of my work to love my husband and children, to bring them healing. What it took some time to recognize is that first I was to heal my self. I so longed for the intimacy of connection with the Beloved. My turmoil was in believing it was out of my reach. What I can see now is how much shame and self judgment I carried within–for being a female, for my sexuality, for feeling so disconnected from the sacredness of my being. This, loved ones, requires much healing.
I’m sharing this intimate passage because as my children have grown and two are now off to college, my life has taken a significant shift. These words take on new meaning as I inquired so long ago. The same question has come back around – open my heart, allow the rays to shine from me, but how and to whom? Only this time around, the years of deep inner work have opened a channel of inner knowing. At this time in my life the call is to serve as a chalice of Divine Feminine energy in a way I could never have imagined, but still, it feels familiar. The birth of Sacred Circle Retreats has occurred, and my work now is allowing the rays of light to be shared in a contemporary fashion.
We’re no longer mystics living within the walls of convents and monasteries. Our work now is to live in the world and allow our lights to shine amongst the people. My passion is to be of service in this way, opening myself as the bridge between those who offer healing and light, and those who like me, are seekers of how to move into the next step of their journey. Through Sacred Circle Retreats, so many facets of my life, my journey, my soul purpose are coming together in a beautiful harmony, and truly, with very little ‘push.’ It’s all flowing into place, and I must tell you my dear friends, how in awe I am. This woman I’ve become was once someone I could only envy. She is strong, confident, courageous, open, vulnerable and willing to stand amongst her peers, to collaborate as equals and not feel threatened for what she might not be. She has learned how to stand in her soul’s truth and sacred ‘power.’ She understands what it is to answer the call. She leaves me breathless…because she has allowed herself to be moved. What over six years ago was such a struggle–the act of surrender, has now become her soul’s desire.
We can’t know what the Universe has destined for us. As Oprah said – God has so much more for us than we could ever imagine for ourselves. It’s so much bigger than me, so I know it’s not of me, but of the Divine. I’m elated to be doing this work, in this place, in this way, at this time. I’m fully open and continuing to surrender into the arms of the sacred, for I know I am always loved and held with grace. As each step unfolds, it feels more and more miraculous to be following my heart–and for it to be so much more than I ever thought it could be–and so much easier than I ever would have imagined. This, dear loves, this is the beauty of ‘doing the work,’ putting the time in to allow yourself to heal, to open your heart no matter how terrified you are of what you might find there or feel through your own heartache. And this is why I’m called to serve as a channel for the sacred. xo