Whispers in Reflection

I truly had no idea how dark this year has felt for me. Oh, I’ve moved along with each crisis, celebration and life event. And yet–I somehow stepped out of a sacred space, immersed more and more into the physical reality that swirled around me. The details don’t matter because my focus here is really the journey back into myself. My beloved soul companion Joss Burnel articulated it perfectly in saying that we each have times in our lives where our lives demand much of us and we exist in a different space. But when we come back into the quiet, the serenity, we feel before us a newness of ourselves and an opportunity in which to determine what pieces of our former life we will take forward. There is an energy of discovery in this new way of being that Life Herself has ushered us into.

DSC01356The whispers are returning, sweet friends. Those heart whispers that allow me to close my eyes and feel the Grace move through–those whispers that indeed allow each one of us to do that in our own unique ways. It’s not that we’ve been disconnected, only that for a period of time our attention and energy were needed elsewhere. It’s the ebb and Flow of our lives, though, isn’t it? It certainly has been for mine. I’m not sure I can recall a period of time in which so much has occurred in such a short space in my life. And I must admit I did find myself feeling it was absurd for all of this to be in MY life!? How on earth did this come to be? I don’t live this way. All those silly, false truths floated their way to the surface. And in reflection I see that I am human as are you–we each have these times in our lives and we are each given the gifts that reveal themselves as the dark veils begin to lift.

Our Sacred Circle gathering today was centered around the following passage from Circle of Stones. Upon reading it, I could sense the relevance to other times in my life, but it wasn’t until I sat in the beautiful, sacred circle of women I love that I really felt the truth of the darkness in my life so recently. It didn’t the look the way one might expect. I remembered to find consciousness through it. But that’s very different from moving into a deeply sacred, soulfully present space. THAT is the space I so love and find myself longing for. And that, my dear friends is the space we share here together. Thank you for bringing your presence into this extraordinary virtual sanctuary that is ours. We revel in the light of Divine Presence, and isn’t that, in truth, the space from which even the darkness originates?

From today’s event:

“How might your life have been different, if, as a young woman, there had been a place for you, a place where you could go to be among women… a place for you when you had feelings of darkness? And, if there had been another woman, somewhat older, to be with you in your darkness, to be with you until you spoke… spoke out your pain and anger and sorrow.

And, if you had spoken until you had understood the sense of your feelings, how they reflected your own nature, your own deepest nature, crying out of the darkness, struggling to be heard.

And, what if, after that, every time you had feelings of darkness, you knew that the woman would come to be with you? And would sit quietly by as you went into your darkness to listen to your feelings and bring them to birth… So that, over the years, companioned by the woman, you learned to no longer fear your darkness, but to trust it… to trust it as the place where you could meet your own deepest nature and give it voice.

How might your life be different if you could trust your darkness… could trust your own darkness?” ~ Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk 

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Without Words

Or perhaps it’s ‘without eloquence.’ Something inside myself feels lacking the ability to connect with the elegance of writing, sharing. Instead I’m feeling overly emotional, unsure of myself, unable to go about the ‘usual’ notes of the day. I’ve had the screaming woman in my head at times, but she’s become instead a heap of tears just waiting for something to trigger their silent march over my cheeks.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt quite this way–and perhaps I never have in ‘quite this way.’ That longing, the hunger for something more, something deeper, something ELSE is what drives my every moment. There’s no escape, nor do I even feel the energy to try finding one. I’m full IN it.

There aren’t words for whatever this is, other than to say I know there is purpose. It’s the Divine who understands what that could possibly be. And for now–I’m not meant to know; only to trust, to allow, to surrender to its presence.

I can’t help but wonder how it relates to turning 40 this year. There aren’t negative emotions around this age for me, only a sense of stepping wholly into a new space in my life, my self, my soul. There’s a sacredness that transcends the human world and yet paradoxically is infused into every thought, emotion, sensation I experience. As I write that sentence, I realize: while I haven’t been aware and even just said there aren’t negative emotions, perhaps there are negative feelings that trigger emotions. I’ve never been one to worry about my health, my body, being fit and eating right. Yet, the call comes and if I’m honest, I’m not happy about it at all. And in the most intimate place of my being there is the realization that some part of me continues to fight it. Ugh.

I feel so much wrapped up in this time of my life…and the truths are coming even as I type. This is a space in which we once again must go deep within and heal places in ourselves that have remained silent, waiting for us to be at the ready. The physical is one thing, but the whispers remind me there is emotional shifting as well. Surrender. Honor. Letting go. Allowing. These are the short words that are my truth. Women cannot play at being young girls, for we are not. Nor do I truly want to be. Time to bring some of those places within myself to present time, to let the authentic bits of me become even more apparent and out into the open.

Funny isn’t it? I’ve watched our daughter move through the space of honoring who she is as a young gay woman and haven’t felt a kinship to what that must be like in today’s climate. And yet, we each have parts of ourselves that we would rather for a time keep ‘in the closet.’ The warm beauty of Lauren being true to herself is that she continually talks of the liberated sense of being that envelops her on a daily basis. ‘I can just be who I am mom.’ I heard her voice echo in my heart. She is more my teacher than my child in this moment. And I am feeling blessed.

There is a richness in this place, even when I can’t feel it to be so, I know it from the depths of my heart to be what is true. And in the darkest moments, I know too that I am always held in the arms of the Divine–always. So that is where I’ll leave you my friends…..in the presence of Divine love….each one of us wrapped in grace. xoxo